This Week in Nelson, volume 4, numbers 15-20

Damn it! Another long, long absence without a TWiN. You have my sincerest apologies. Let’s try not to waste time and just go about righting the ship with TWiNny goodness. Here goes:

Birthday shout-out to my uncle Ned, Ethan, Jake, Brad, Trish, Emily and my cats (3 years old!), all belatedly. Also, a happy wedding anniversary shout-out to my parents, and a happy Mother’s Day shout-out to all you moms out there, also belatedly. And, for my one timely shout-out, happy birthday this coming weekend to Margaret! Happy everything to everybody! Whoooooo! To anyone I missed, I apologize. And if I ever miss one of you in my shout-outs, please do let me know. I’m operating off a list I have of birthdays which is likely incomplete, and cannot be fixed without your help. To quote the immortal Sgt. Slaughter, “We all go home or nobody goes home.” Yo Joe!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross (Holy shit! Finally!)
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (still haven’t really started, but it’ll be any day now and I’m really looking forward to it!)

I really like David Cross. I think he’s a funny motherfucker. I liked his book of essays, and some of them I really liked especially well, but I feel like it’s not the same caliber as his stand up and sketch writing. It also follows a consistently similar kind of a pissed off tone and formula, which is: what about this thing? This thing is fucked up. Fuck this thing. So, I felt like I could only read so much at a time without getting a little depressed or angry, despite all the jokes. So, anyway, that’s my take on the David Cross book. I recommend it if you like David Cross, but I warn that it may take a while to get through. Though, probably not as long as it took me.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It was just a glass of pee. Don’t worry. I was probably going to spill it on myself anyway.”
--“She’s the one who made a move on me.”
“You coulda stopped me.”
“Naw. You the one who kept on kept on.”
--“It’s not a vagina-themed restaurant. If it was, there’d be vaginas all over the walls. Yep. That smells like a taco explosion.”
--“You ladies know that now. You don’t go out with that type. Soldier-types with cute hair.”
--“I don’t like any of the puppet things that have been happening recently.”
--“YES! The wind is coming out of the northwest today!”
--“My uncle was struck by lightning. You’d think it would give you superpowers, but now he just masturbates in theaters.”
--“I don’t care if you’re Michael Jackson or Jesus Christ himself, you do NOT molest children.”
--“I don’t taste the beer at all, and I sprayed that puppy DOWN!”
--“When you go skinny-dipping with a girl and she takes her panties off and leaves her bra on, she’s hiding something.”
--“There’s nothing good about the ham game. There’s nothing funny about the ham game. There’s nothing responsible about the ham game.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I think it’s dangerous to refer to people as pinheads. Did Hellraiser teach us nothing? What about Hellbound: Hellraiser 2? Or Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth? Or Hellraiser: Bloodline? Or Hellraiser: Inferno? Or Hellraiser: Resurrection? Or Hellraiser: Hellseeker? Or Hellraiser: Deader? Or Hellraiser: Hellworld? Or Hellraiser: Prophecy?
My point is, Pinheads are meant to be feared and respected, not mocked. Your constant invocation of the mighty Cenobite Pinhead will undoubtedly only expand his power until he can open a new doorway to hell and unleash an army of his brother pain demons, and who’s anus do you think they will choose to be the first to be repeatedly violated by sharp metal instruments? Yours? No, you will be second. First they will come for me! They’re demons! They’ll come for your best friend first and make you watch the torture I endure at their cruel hands, the whole time blaming you for my torment before they turn their malevolent devices on you.
I treasure my anus, Bill. I want it to be left unmolested by the ferocity of pain demons. Please, for me, for my anus, find a less dangerous word to use when putting the uninformed and ill-intentioned in their place. My anus will thank you! And, as you’re already well aware, my anus can be a valuable ally, or, if need be, a ruthless enemy. Don’t push it!
Sincerely,
Roboman
11 May 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A group of female students organized ‘Boobquake Day,’ in which women wore revealing outfits to mock an Iranian cleric’s claim that earthquakes were a divine punishment for immodest dress. A 6.5 magnitude earthquake struck Taiwan on the day of the protest.”

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-No questions. Which I suppose isn’t surprising, considering my sporadic record with answering lately. Anyone have any questions? I’ll try not to take a month to answer them. Probably.

Nelson recommends:
-Iron Man 2. I dug it. I feel like the criticisms I’ve seen that it lost some of the attitude and humanity of the first one in exchange for more explosions and robots is a valid one, but I still feel like it’s a good, fun movie and well better than plenty of other superhero movies. I’m also interested in this movement in the Marvel comics movies toward a unified world is a cool move. I just wonder if the X-Men and Spider-man will get to play, too. It seems like the X-Men franchise was run into the ground and the Spider-man one took a stumble, so maybe it would be good to find a complete balance, but I don’t know. Anyway, it’s cool. Check it out.
-Lost. Loving the last season so much. I’m really gonna hate to see it go, but I doubt I would be loving it so much if it wasn’t rolling like a freight train into the endgame.
-True Crime with Aphrodite Jones. Saira and I love the crime shows. We watch them a lot. And this one is fucking ridiculous. There’s this heavy-handed voiceover that seems to see Aphrodite Jones as the Jesus Christ of crime literature and reporting, and her interviews have more concerned nodding than any hackneyed morning show person could dream of. There was a point where the camera kept cutting back and forth between Jones and her interviewee as they nodded knowingly at each other about a particular fact of a case. One, then the other, then back, then forth, then back. No words. Just nodding. It’s like a comedy sketch. Hilarious.

I realize I’ve been gone a month again, but I’m not going to go on and on about what I’ve been up to. I want to get this in the books and start from scratch next time. Again.

I’ll close, though, with some notices/reminders:
-The Victor Continental Show! We’ve begun writing and production meetings. It’s coming. Prepare yourselves. It’ll be July 23rd and 24th (Friday and Saturday). And again this year we’ll have a final dress open to friends and family on Thursday, July 22nd. If you can’t make it to the actual show, let me know if you can make the Thursday and we can figure something out. Tickets go on sale in late June. Get ready.
-My birthday. I turn 31 on June 1st. It’s a Tuesday. I’ll probably do something that night, which I’ll figure out later, but Tuesdays aren’t really optimal for partying. So, I’ll be doing something on Saturday night, June 5th. Save the date. Details to come later.

That’s it. See you next week!

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 11, 12, 13 & 14

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Late again. Sorry. There was a lot going on. But, I’ll try to make this one extra-sized to make up for it. Let’s do it!

Birthday shout-out to Mick and my uncle Steve! Happy birthday! If I missed you over the last few weeks, sorry, and happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (still haven’t really started)
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross (almost done!)
-Finished rereading 100 Bullets by, Brian Azzarello

100 Bullets is good. It’s a fun story with a lot of cool parts and characters, and it holds together well reading it all at once. However, I do feel a little like the end gets slightly rushed, and maybe even the slightest bit muddled. The ending is still solid, it just feels like it doesn’t quite reach the crescendo that it ought to have. I don’t know. I’d still recommend it, because it’s still a great read, but I don’t think it’s one of the greats.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Okay, everybody! It’s time to say goodbye to our magic ball friends!”
--“Hey.”
“What?”
“Nothing. I was being the demon’s testicle. Hey girl.”
--“Ewwwwwww! It’s my dad! And he’s throwing free throws!”
--“You know, if you were CBS, I might just rape you.”
--“How does that feel?”
“Not good. And, who will sire your children now?”
“I’ll just have to do it myself.”
“But you can’t produce semen.”
“You can’t produce semen! Cause I blew your dick off! With a grenade! Don’t try to turn these tables! (Makes record scratching sounds) I’m Nelson. I’m a shitty DJ. Goddamn it, Louisville!”
--“My motto is: As I live and learn, dig and be dug, in return.”
--“She’s all like, ‘He’s just eating pancakes. He’s just eating pancakes.’ She’s just, like, you know, uh, a whore. That’s whore talk, Jerry.”
--“When you’re tied to a bungee cord, Larry, timing is everything.”
--“Just remember, if your not riding the edge of a cliff, your not living as life begins @ 120 mph, right?” (sic)
--“I’m neck deep in love and my eyes are popping out!”
--“Why go to school? Why? When I be droppin’ it down low like I can, bitch. Right here.”
--“Uh oh! Someone fudged the bucket bed! And the only way you can help is to bring me the Vaseline. Now! Now! Achtung!”
--“You know what love is Christina? A Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Can we get one?”
“Not on your life, John Michael! You’ll eat tempe and you’ll like it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
You know, with everyone arguing about health care, there’s a question that keeps gnawing at me:
If a stripper falls off a pole while she’s working, does she deserve worker’s comp?
I mean, there’s a lot of factors, right? Is the pole made of solid material and properly installed? Is it sufficiently lubricated but not overly slippery? Has the stripper had too much cocaine? Or not enough? Was their audience interference? Is there a crocodile pit beneath the pole? What specific breed of crocodile? Is there a good buffet at the strip club?
So many questions!
HELP!
Sincerely,
Roboman
25 March 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Eh. Nothing particularly interesting. Sorry.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-I got no questions. At least not that I could remember or find.

Nelson recommends:
-Not getting behind on TWiN. Cause it becomes more daunting to catch up, which just makes it later and later. Everyone else out there writing TWiNs, heed me!
-www.jandrewedits.com. It’s a bunch of crazy re-edited Star Trek: The Next Generation scenes that Emily and Gaus sent me the link to. I haven’t watched all of it yet, but it’s funny stuff, especially if you like the Star Trek.

Yes, yes. I dropped a few of the standard things from the TWiN lineup. It just seemed easier to me to have a few less required spaces to fill. I don’t think overall content will suffer, there’ll just be more of a jumble toward the back end of things. Which is what she said. So, what’s been up the last several weeks?

–> The weather! Aside from that freak spring break snowstorm, the weather has been fucking gorgeous. 50's-low 80's. Perfect, perfect weather. The cats have been hanging out on our balcony, loving the fresh air. Good stuff!
–> St. Patrick’s Day. Good times! Went downtown and got drunk, then we had a bunch of people over for a feast that Saira prepared. There was Guinness stew, mustard mashed potatoes, colcannon, baked mac and cheese, soda bread, mock mincemeat pie, caramel cranberry almond tart, and apple shortbread pie. So good!
–> Fantasy baseball started. Had my draft about a week and a half ago, which I was woefully unprepared for, but which seemed to go all right. And Saira made a fantastic chicken pot pie with sweet potato crust and a blueberry pie which I brought with me, both of which were phenomenal and devoured with reckless abandon.
–> The worst spring break ever! March 20 will forever be a dark day for us. In the morning Saira’s sweet little cockatiel Clytemnestra died from a rare neuromuscular disorder and in the afternoon KU lost in the second round of the NCAA tournament with one of the best teams I’ve ever seen them have. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Clytemnestra was only a couple years old (cockatiels live into their 20's, generally), and she was so friendly and playful, and adorably clumsy. She always ran right to the door of her cage when you came in the room wanting to hang out, and she was always liked meeting new people. We’re going to miss her forever. And then, on that Monday morning, Saira’s childhood dog, Lenny had to be put down. He’d been having problems earlier in the week, but it had looked like he’d make a recovery. Then, by the end of the weekend he was gone, too, and he was such a cute, fluffy, sweet little guy. That whole weekend was just one big kick in the junk from the world. Awful. Just awful. Honestly, I’m still not over any of it, and I encourage all of you to pour some liquor for our three loved ones who were taken too soon. Man, now I’m depressed. Got to try to get positive here before the end.
–> There’s less of me! Living with Saira and having her fix me so much delicious food, a lot of which is actually really healthy, was making me lose weight. And, over the last month or so, I’ve been using an iphone app to track my eating and exercise to lose even more weight. The result is, from my birthday last year (which is the last time I’d weighed myself before a month or so ago, I’ve lost about 46 pounds. Huzzah! Also, finally got a haircut and trimmed my beard a little (don’t worry. It’s still plenty long and luxurious, just a bit more kempt).
–> Saira also made the greatest curry I’ve ever had a week or so again. It was fierce delicious. And an orange cream and strawberry tart, which was also mighty. And in there somewhere she made a strawberry rhubarb pie and a strawberry & blueberry pie, both of which were fantastic. So much delicious food! So much pie! Seriously, eat less meat, eat more pie. It’s my new diet plan.
–> Watched an insane Syfy movie called Dinoshark. So epic in its badness and ridiculousness. If you like terrible movies, check it out. It will blow your mind with shittiness!
–> Banjo Kazooie! With our internetz finally sorted, I was able to get the Xbox Live running and downloaded one of my favorite games (Banjo Kazooie), which I’ve been playing ever since (when there’s time). Love me that bear bird action. On a side note, we’ve got functioning Xbox Live for at least a couple more weeks (had a month-long free trial. Probably won’t pay for it when that runs out, at least for a while), and could possibly be available at some point to play online with other peoples. Let me know if you’re interested.
–> Easter (or Zombie Jesus Day). I played a bunch of boccee ball at my parent’s house, and then I hid eggs around the apartment for Saira filled with various things she needed or markers to redeem for things that didn’t fit in eggs. It was a lot of fun, and something I plan to make a tradition.
–> The most majestic fucking thing ever! Saira and I had headed down to Burcham (sp?) Park by the river on her lunch break a few days back, and a bald eagle swooped down out of nowhere and snatched a fish out of the river, then he perched in a nearby tree and ate his lunch. It was epic as all hell. Seriously, bald eagles are the pimps of the sky.
–> Donovan McNabb going to the Redskins? I’ll take it, sure. Works for me.
–> This one has less to do with me, but Saira took part in a week long poetry reading and is now in the Guinness Book of World Records. Unfortunately it was on Easter and I had to miss it, so honestly my only involvement is jealousy and pride, but still, it’s pretty cool.

I’m sure I’m leaving a lot out (especially a lot of the delicious food Saira made me and the other awesome things she does that don’t even involve food), but that’s all I remember and it feels like enough for now.

R.I.P. Clytemnestra, Lenny and KU Basketball ‘09-‘10.

See you next week.

–> N.

PS- Just FYI, my birthday is just down the road a piece (June 1st) and Saira and I are starting to plan a little party the following Saturday. So, keep Saturday, June 5th open. Details to come in further TWiNs.

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 9 & 10

Huzzah! Only two weeks since the last TWiN! The dream is still alive! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Birthday shout-out to Ashley!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Started rereading 100 Bullets by, Brian Azzarello

Been wanting to reread 100 Bullets since it wrapped up awhile back. I always liked it, but I felt pretty lost reading it episodically, cause it’s crazy. But reading it all at once it holds together pretty damn well, and it’s a lot of fun. If you like fucked up noirish crime conspiracy stories with lots of gunplay, check it out.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“If he hits half a rock here he may squeeze one out.”
--“I’m going to have to wear pants if I’m going to see the bird.”
--“I’m sorry I didn’t know that your bad child had died while your good child was growing. I want you to move in with us.”
--“Is the rag and bone man here, yet?”
--“No! Over the course of a regular day I do stuff. Stuff that would make pencils fall out of beards.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I recently came across this ad on craigslist:
“Untraditional Relationship - w4mm - 30
I am going to be honest what I am looking for is sort of a weird request. I am looking for 2 or more men that are looking for a woman that loves to cook and clean...and enjoys being with different men...I have a problem with being faithful, I do not try to stray it just seems to happen! So what I am looking for is a group of men that would like to share me. I am a 30 yr old white female that has children....that would love to be in a committed relationship with these men. I know it seems hipocritical that I want these men to be committed when I want multiple men, but if you think about it...you are getting the best of both worlds...I cook your food, make your lunches, clean your house....and care for your needs sexually.....but you don't have to deal with me everyday..b/c I am busy doing the same thing for the others...
I would love to try this with roomates...best friends...people that would be comfortable with the other men using their girlfriend....(yea I know it sounds weird coming from a girl). Also I am a country girl born and raised..so if you are country...please please hit me up...Pictures get 1st responses... If you are interested please put "The best of times" in the subject line.
I am a bigger girl...but I can please my man to the fullest extent of the word.”
So, should we get in on this action, or what?
Sincerely,
Roboman
11 March 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The Virginia House of Delegates voted to make it illegal to implant microchips in people without their permission. Republican Delegate Mark L. Cole said chips might be someday used as the ‘mark of the beast’ described in the Book of Revelation. The Georgia Senate recently passed a similar ban.” (Damn, Virginia. I’m proud to be from you, but sometimes you don’t make it easy)
-“68 percent of New York City residents in a recent survey said they’d overheard a neighbor having sex. ‘It’s like a train wreck— you have to stop what you’re doing and listen, even if it’s awful,’ said Melissa Buck, 29, of Manhattan.”
-“In moderation, beer can be a health-food drink that builds strong bones. University of California researchers have found that beer is a rich source of silicon, which increases bone mineral density and helps prevent osteoporosis. The food scientists tested 100 commercial beers for silicon content, and found that beers containing high levels of malted barley and hops are richest in silicon. Pale ales had the highest levels, while light lagers and wheat beers had the lowest.”
-“Typos are earning Google $497 million a year. About 68 million people a day mistype the names of highly trafficked websites, landing on bogus sites (called ‘typosquatters’) to which Google supplies ads, thereby hauling in a fortune.”
-“German luger David Moeller broke his tooth when photographers asked him to take a bite of his silver medal.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I’m sick. I’ve been coughing stuff up the last few days. It sucks.
-AT&T. I had to deal with them for a month now, on the phone for hours, getting disconnected and not called back, getting tossed between departments, being told things that aren’t true, not told other important information, having people not show up, having accounts lost, getting very few apologies and no real help. Those people are a nightmare.
-Pet dander. Saira’s allergies have been going crazy lately. It sucks, too. Rarrgh. That’s the sound of my sadness and latent lycanthropy.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! She’s perfect. I’m looking forward to next week when she’s on spring break. We’ll have time for all kinds of stuff. Like seeing a movie. And robbing a bank. Which the movie will be a nice little alibi for.
-KU Basketball. She’s coming on, boys. She’s coming on strong.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Watched a couple Lady Gaga videos the other night. That chick is batshit insane.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Thank you for addressing my Beard Phone question. I've done some poking around, and I think with appropriate beard growth ratios and beard returns they were most interested. I think with appropriate beard dividends you can start beard production any beard week now. Katie Holmes seemed most anxious. Anyways, i've another question of a personal nature: Do Scrubbing Bubbles have souls? I was watching a very short documentary (only 30seconds!) on them, and while I watch them fall down the drain, looking at the camera with their big doe eyes, I worried about their inevitable death. It does look like they have mouths, and i think they eat soap scum and grime but they can't live for ever. Is my drain littered with the decaying corpses of millions of these poor bastards? Is my shower drain haunted? Should I call in TAPS? (The Atlantic Paranormal Society)
Or worse yet: Do they not die, and I've got a huge scrubbing bubble population growing under my feet? Or what if they become something in between, horrifically changing by the unnatural combination of my Old Spice body wash and hydrating conditioner needed to keep my chest hairs fluffy? Scrubbing Bubble Zombies? Is this how Dawn of the Dead started?
Obviously you can understand my fears, or both a spiritual nature and a physical one. I've stuffed hand towels down my drain for the time being, but I am unfortunately starting to smell a little... off. Your advise would be much appreciated:
--Scared Stinkin in Lawrence
-Katie Holmes, huh? You should probably keep my name out of any dealings with her until the check is cashed. There’s a prior legal situation there which is still not entirely settled (civil suit still pending). To answer your other questions, yes, Scrubbing Bubbles have souls. No, they are extremely biodegradable. No, Scrubbing Bubbles lack the strength of will to remain within the mortal coil postmortem. No, they die. A Scrubbing Bubble, once exposed to air, will consume grime, then take a nap, then watch you take a shower and masturbate, and then die. There is no credible scientific evidence drawing a correlation between Old Spice body wash and zombieism, though in all fairness, only a handful of studies have been performed as of now. Just pour a little cheap whiskey down the drain after showering for antiseptic purposes. You should be fine.

Nelson recommends:
-I Not Stupid. It’s a TV show from Singapore. It’s crazy. Check it out.
-100 Bullets. Like I said in the book section. It’s the goods.

So, I’ve been thinking lately, and I’ve realized something that I believe in very firmly and devoutly. It’s not something I think about on a daily basis, but it’s there, every time I feel lost, or scared, or unsure of myself. It makes me feel that everything’s all right, and that I can handle anything that the world might throw at me. I believe that when Pat Morita died, only his mortal shell was lost. I believe that at that time only Mr. Miyagi remained, and that now he walks the Earth, healing the lame and teaching them karate. Will I ever see him? Perhaps. Perhaps if my need is great enough, and my spirit pure. But I have hope. I have hope, and I want you all to have hope too. That’s why I share this belief with you. Let it be a comfort in dark times.

And with that, I leave you. See you next week, brothers and sisters in Miyagi. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 5, 6, 7 & 8

Yeah, yeah. Late again. I am shamed. I’ve been busy, though. Working for a living. Taking what they’re giving. Taking what they’re giving cause I’m working for a living. Whoa-oh. Yeah. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway, let’s try this doing things more regularly again, but this time without fucking it up.

Birthday shout-out to Saira’s mom, grandpa, and cousin! And to Becca and Gus! And to Gaus! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Finished rereading The Two Towers by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread Return of the King by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread The Silmarillion by, J.R.R. Tolkien

Tolkien, Tolkien, Tolkien, yeah!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Immigrants! That’s how they do, you know. Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.”
--“A solitary bean on a fake marble counter top is so sad.”
--“I had knee surgery.”
“Oh! I better not touch it.”
“No, it’s fine. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
“No! If I touch it, I might have to have knee surgery too!”
--“I can’t keep holding you if you won’t stop screaming.”
--“I need to tell her what time it is. You know. That I’m gay.”
--“It’s great doing this. I remember releasing, and then I remember getting, just, SLAMMED in the face by one of those balls. That was a nice shot, Lace. You’re a stud.”
--“We need to go back to those pissant vulcanologists.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Are you friends with Steve Wilkos? Cause, you both have TV shows, and you’re both big and strong, and you both help people. And you were both former bodyguards on Springer.
So, do you guys hang out a lot? Do you go fishing? Can I come? I’ll even bait the hooks and clean the fish. And whichever one of you catches more fish, I’ll totally reward them (you) with a kiss! I’ll also bring the beer and pretzel chips! And, of course, the STRING CHEESE! (Wink!) LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!
Smell you later, bro!
Sincerely,
Roboman
17 February 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Damn, fucked up the news again. Sorry. Next time?

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Commercials. Most of them. Tired of them. Ugh.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! She makes the most delicious foods. She’s been experimenting with making pizzas from scratch and taking them in interesting directions, like Thai Curry pizza with peanut sauce instead of tomato. So good!
-Lost. Feels like she’s finishing strong. It’s really the only show I still absolutely care about and can’t wait to see.
-KU Basketball. Rolling through the Big 12. And, I got to go see both the Iowa State and Colorado games at the Fieldhouse with Saira and her family, which was crazy awesome. I’d never seen a men’s game at the Fieldhouse before, so it was extra sweet. However, this Oklahoma State game is really pissing me off.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The opening ceremony for the Olympics, and men’s figure skating.
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lztwjgD10Yw

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So I had a sudden flash of inspiration while driving home: Beard phone!
The idea is essentially you shove a specially contoured phone into your beard, which has a microphone by the mouth and earpiece close to the ear all cleverly concealed in your beard! It’s simplicity at its best, and you could even construct faux beards for the beard-impaired so they can enjoy it as well.
So the real question of this is: Why haven’t you patented and marketed this? I can’t help but assume you’ve already thought of this and worked it through. What’s holding back this phone/beard revolution?”
-I’m just waiting on some investment capital to build the prototypes. You got a few grand laying around you want to invest in beard phones? Anybody?

Nelson recommends:
-Morningstar Farms Bacon. It’s fake bacon, but it’s the goods.

Saw Wolfman. Not really a good movie, per se, but it looks beautiful, there’s wolfmans going on killing sprees, and it’s balls out insane. So, I enjoyed it.
Been watching a shitload of Olympics. Curling, that’s a good game. Saira and I want to take up curling. For reals.

Okay, I gotta watch the end of this shitstorm of a basketball game and go pick up Saira from work, so I’m out.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3 number 51 & 52 and vol. 4 number 1, 2, 3 & 4

Why, hello there. It’s been a long time. A long, long time. I was busy. What with the moving, Christmas, life, blah, blah, blah thing. Many of you have written and phoned, wondering what the fuck was going on. Wondering if this was the end of TWiN as we know it. As we love it. As we need it. I assure you this is not so. Are we back? Yes. Are we better than ever? Not really. Will we be meeting regularly again after this? Yes, we will. Though, I’ll be totally honest. This Week in Nelson may well start being more These Weeks in Nelson, coming every two weeks instead of every week, but I’ll do my best to keep to my every week mission statement. And I’ll do my absolute best not to let it go longer than two weeks again. There you have it. Our oaths are renewed. You’ve waited long enough, so here we go. This week we’ve got a lot of catching up to do!

Birthday shout-out to my mom, Jesus, Jen, Sam, Chris Shaw, Gary, Stange, Aaron, my dad and Hilary! Most of them belated, but better late than never! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut (finally!)
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (To be honest, I never really began.)
-Finished reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Reread The Hobbit by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread The Fellowship of the Ring by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Started rereading The Two Towers by, J.R.R. Tolkien

Saira had the idea to reread The Lord of the Rings over winter break, which I thought was a good idea, too (though I also decided to start with The Hobbit). So, that’s what I’ve been doing, reading-wise, for the most part. I hadn’t read them in, I’m guessing, 17-18 years. Love those books. Don’t know why it’s taken me so long to come back to them. They’re fucking great.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m taking this dress off. It’s covered in blood and urine.”
--“That robot handyman is having a good time.”
--“You wouldn’t expect there to be a drug culture in the opera scene, but there’s a crazy drug culture in the opera scene.”
--“All my life I’ve been looking for a woman with plain hair, a strong jaw and a personality to match.”
--“They’ve been acting really weird. It makes me wonder why they’ve been pooping so much. It makes me wonder why they’ve been pooping so much LATELY.”
--“So, you bought your 10-year-old son a gun AND a crossbow?”
“No!!! Grandma bought him the crossbow.”
(Grandma nods while checking the prime rib.)
--“Did you hear me say I don’t like German people or the Japanese? I didn’t in any way say that. I like them the same as Irish people. And most Mexicans.”
--“Are there any other straight girls who like big boobs? . . . I read a summary of Hitler’s sex life (in a book full of such summaries) that . . . but what those two pigeons did was certainly awful . . . It was more like vegetable oil than it was like, say, coconut milk . . .”
--“Fisting!? Oh, wait, no. I read that wrong. It says ‘The Mighty Ducks.’”
--“2 approaches to poundage progression, and how to make sure the gains keep coming for a long time.”
--“We might need to take another picture after I get this all juicy.”
--“‘yes, ‘tis magic, lad,’ the old man rasped, ‘pirate magic.’”
--“I wish my feet were boners. I would do you so hard right now.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I do not sleep.
I wait.
See you soon!
Sincerely,
Roboman
14 January 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Man, way behind on news. I’m just gonna skip it and start fresh next time.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Eh, I’m good. There was some insane cold awhile back that I was both mad at and soon tired of, but that wrapped up a couple weeks ago, at least.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! For a million reasons, but to name the most recent one, she even makes spending time in Great Bend, Kansas fun. And, she’s made, like, a dozen pies since we moved in together. Love her, love her, love her.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-oldtimestrongman.com
-I had all kinds of stuff for this, but I’m afraid that the delay in TWiN caused me to lose them, or lose track of which ones I might have mentioned before, so I’m just going to start fresh with this section next time, too.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Really, the only questions I got over all that time we were apart were about where TWiN was. It’s right here. Questions answered.

Nelson recommends:
-New Super Mario Bros. Wii. That’s a fun game, and it’s really fun with multiplayer.
-Scotland Yard. It’s a board game. It’s fucking sweet.
-The Lord of the Rings by, J.R.R. Tolkien. Seriously, if you’ve never read them, you really ought to. They’re fantastic.

So, a lot has happened since last we spoke. I’ll try for a quick recap:
-Saira and I moved into our new apartment in Village Square together. It’s a nice place. And Saira keeps us in hot and cold running pie, which is great. There’s been pecan, cranberry chess, key lime, cherry, citrus chiffon, apple cinnamon crumble, apple pandowdy and blueberry, and several of those there’s been two or more of. So much pie!
-Christmas happened. Got some books and money, mostly, from the family. Saira gave me a bunch of sweet stuff, but the sweetest was a build-your-own voice-activated robot. His name is Mini-Vox. The cats aren’t sure what to think of him. He is the future, and the future is now.
-Got an Xbox 360, which is sweet. Saira and I have been playing mad video games. Mostly GTA4, Left 4 Dead 2, Fallout 3 and NCAA Basketball 10. Nothing original, I guess, but all of it awesome.
-There was a shit-ton of snow. It was pretty awesome. I love snow. And it was nice to see that my car can handle its business in some fairly serious snow.
-New Years. Drinking. Yeah!
-KU basketball, barring the Tennessee game, have been looking pretty awesome. Especially that last game against Missouri.
-Got to see Willie and Stu over the holidays, which was great. Always good to catch up with friends.
-We got a couple digital 3-D-capable projectors at work, which is cool. Did I mention that before? I don’t even remember. Saira and I are planning on seeing Avatar in 3-D soon. We haven’t had a chance yet. But soon!
-Saira and I started our last semesters at KU. She much more than I
-Saira and I celebrated our six-month anniversary by taking an overnight trip to Great Bend (she had business there). In fact, we just got back from that a couple hours ago. She’s napping now. Great Bend? Not bad. Much better, I’m sure, for having been there with Saira. There’s apparently a chain of Mexican places in Western Kansas called La Fiesta which look a lot like El Mezcal, and the one in Great Bend has phenomenal food. If you find yourself there, check it out. Also, the breakfast buffet in the Highland Hotel and Convention Center? Not bad. Not bad at all.
-We followed it up with a trip to Eagles Day here in Lawrence. It’s pretty cool. They’ve got eagles and hawks and owls hanging out at Free State High School. It was pretty cool to see a bald eagle up close. They’re majestic as all hell.
-I haven’t trimmed my beard since the last TWiN, so it is full and magnificent, and will soon rule above us all with a terrifying, beardy fist.

I’m sure there was more than that, but that’s all I’ve got for you now.

See you next week. Ish. Hopefully.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 49 & 50

Yes, yes. Running behind again. By more than a week again. I’ve been busy. It’s a busy time of year. Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, though, it’s finals for Saira, we’re moving this Friday and Christmas is next Friday. So, let’s get down to business and postpone this no longer. This week we’ve got to get moving, so:

Birthday shout-out to Jason, Bella, Melissa and Kathryn! Hell yeah, birthdays!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I’m also still reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer
-Started reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“We should build a candy cane sex cage for the snowmen in our yard, too.”
--“With all due respect, a man who pierces the skull of another man with a golden snake is not a common thief, sir.”
--“I’m delirious with ass pain!”
--“Remington paid his court costs, abandoned his attempt to get rich raising sheep, and moved farther west.”
--“Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good dangle every now and then.”
--“He’s corking your corncob pipe!”
--“Well, I don’t suppose there are too many of us left who look upon soup as having sex appeal, but I still do. I always will.”
--“I don’t know. Why are you asking me questions? I don’t know things. And I don’t make things. I just make things better.”
--“Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding’s just one more day in my life I can’t wear sweat pants.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Pictured here is a kitten wearing a frog hat. Sorry it was difficult to recreate here)
Sincerely,
Roboman
15 December 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing particularly interesting. At least, nothing worth typing up here.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Nothing, really. Kind of cold, I guess. And I don’t like moving, but I’m really happy to be moving in with Saira, so I don’t mind so much.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira!
-Zoo World! Saira got me addicted to this facebook game where you own a zoo and I can’t stop. Check it out, it’s fun. Or at least just make a zoo so I can visit it and make money. Please.
-Denver Broncos. Still looking playoffs bound. If only they hadn’t inexplicably dropped that game to the Redskins, they’d be on top of the division still, too. And the Redskins have actually been looking like a decent team who can score points and everything.
-KU Basketball. Looking pretty fucking good. Looking a little like championship good.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqGgFPV-8SM
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AquRuqyQQc
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8e1_P4yvfc

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Nelson recommends:
-myparentswereawesome.tumblr.com
-thebricktestament.com
-Zoo World! Seriously, go make a zoo. Right now. I’ll wait.
-Snyder’s of Hanover Hershey’s Chocolate-dipped pretzels. Holy fuck, they changed my fucking life. So good!

So, yeah. I’m calling it.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 47 & 48

Sorry for the whole running late, double week thing. But, you do get the second week earlier than usual, so deal with it. I got a little busy with the holidays, and having the internet die at my house a week ago didn’t help. So, belatedly happy Thanksgiving! This week we’ve got a bunch of food in me, a bunch of quotes, some crazy dance videos, a high recommendation (not that kind of high. particularly, anyway), double O’Reilly letters, and the announcement that Saira and I got engaged. That’s right. Boom! Engaged! Very happy! I love her like mad, so let’s knock this thing out so I can go hang out with her and be all engaged and stuff.

Birthday shout-out to Emily, Neuty, Devin, Kevin, and Keri and Polli’s grandma, belatedly! Birth shout-out to Teddy Gaus! Huzzah! Impending birthday shout-out to Roady, Pat and Gilmore! Big dog birthday ups to you all! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb
-Started reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I also started reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer

I highly recommend I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President! It’s about a 12-year-old evil genius secretly running a multi-billion dollar criminal empire who wants to be 8th grade class president to spite his father, and it’s written by one of the writers for the Daily Show. And it’s one hell of a lot of fun. Possibly even two hells of a lot of fun. I don’t know. The math is beyond me. Seriously, though, highest possible recommendation!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face . . . My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”
--“Let me see your nostrils, bird!”
--“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.”
--“Don’t feel bad. If I’d been at that pool party I’d have done the same thing.”
--“My dick again? That’s weird!
--“We’re not gonna have fun tomorrow.
We’ll have fun!
No we won’t! Not unless we dose Grandpa!”
--“I don’t think I could hide a hotdog.”
--“I would never bone three birds and stuff ‘em together.”
--“Three kinds of meat in your mouth at once, that’s pretty fast.”
--“He punches me until I prostitute.”
--“What else does jizz go with?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What means America to me:
1) Macaroni and Cheese
2) Blueberry pie (apple is overrated, and she’s had it too good for too long)
3) Firing a handgun
4) Rice Krispies Treats
5) Firing a handgun in public
6) Chocolate and peanut butter
7) Having consensual sex
8) Firing a handgun in public at a human target
9) PBR
10) Bill O’Reilly
Roll on, brother. Roll on.
Sincerely,
Roboman
25 November 2009"
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’m totally getting married! And I want you to attend! And be a groomsman!
Please say yes! Please say yes! Please say yes!
Married! Married! Married! Married! MARRIED!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Please be my groomsman. More details to follow.
Sincerely,
Roboman
29 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Florida’s Brevard County voted to exclude horses from its pooper-scooper law. ‘To stop a 1,000-pound animal, get off, hold it while you try and put the poop in a bag is just not a good idea,’ horse owner Wanetta Dyer told commissioners.” (Still, what about all the horse poop?)
-“The St. Louis Zoo responded to the death of several polar bears by installing a family of electronic polar bears in its empty polar bear display.” (I don’t know how I feel about this. I feel that robot bears should be in sketch comedy or playing country tunes, but that’s it)
-“The Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Ill., began selling necklace pendants and Christmas ornaments made from dried reindeer dung. ‘It may be silly,’ said zoo spokeswoman Susie Ohley, ‘but it not only brings in money and support for the zoo, it brings people smiles.’”
-“A hotel in Nantes, France, opened a ‘Hamster Villa’ suite, where for $148 a night, guests can feast on hamster grain, get a workout by running on a giant wheel, and sleep in haystacks. ‘Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small,’ said owner Yann Falquerho.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-KU football. That was one of the worst managed last three minutes of a game I’ve ever seen against Missouri. I was on the fence about what to do with Mangino at the end of the season, but now I’m really leaning toward dropping him. That was fucking ridiculous.
-College football in general. Once again we near the end of a season without being ranked in the top 2, so the whole thing is about to become rather pointless.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! My wife to be! Huzzah!
-Saira’s pie! She baked a bunch of pie this last week for the holidays. So delicious!
-Thanksgiving and Friends Thanksgivings. I’m full of foods.
-KU Basketball! Goddamn we look good.
-The Broncos monkeystomping the Giants.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Steve Wilkos’s face when a dude said he wanted to punch him. Scary! Do not suggest to Steve Wilkos that you want to punch him!
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ocre0kXgvg
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd4C8_FMdjA
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3ANUkOyDNQ
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po0jY4WvCIc
-http://www.kent-hovind.com/theory.htm

Dan was working overtime on the video suggestions this week. Big dog ups to Dan, and his apparent obsession with Alfonso Ribeiro/Carlton Banks! And make sure you check out that Hovind theory creationist science insanity. Saira found that and it is hilarious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing this week. Sorry.

Nelson recommends:
-I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb. As stated in the book section. I want you to read it badly enough to recommend it twice in one TWiN! Read it!
-The Investigation Discovery channel. It’s all crazy true crime shit, with re-enactments and all that. Deadly Women is especially good. And fucked up. Check it out if you’ve got that kind of cable.
-Scribblenauts. If you have a DS, check this game out. It’s fun as hell.
-Noodles and Company! They have noodles there and you eat them! I love it!

Well, I think I’ve accomplished enough for these two weeks, what with the Thanksgiving and the getting engaged and all, so I’m wrapping this up.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 46

Howdy. This week we’ve got my 25th email to O’Reilly (huzzah!), me finishing a book!, not enough quotes, a warning to rail travelers in India and crunchiness!

Birthday shout-out to nobody still? Anybody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Started reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb

The Chabon really is good. And it gave me an idea for a short story I’m now working on. So, double bonus. Perhaps, if you’re really good, I’ll let you read said story when it’s finished. But, in the meantime, you should read the Chabon now.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It took a woman to bring this man and elephant together.”
--“You think not eating cat food is putting on airs?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
(I sent him the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s Paparrazi this week, which for some reason wouldn’t paste into here. Feel free to look them up if you’re unfamiliar. They’re creepy)
Sincerely,
Roboman
19 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“India’s Northern Railway hired 36 boxers and wrestlers to collect tickets, and to make sure that ticketless passengers pay the fare andd a fine to remain onboard. ‘There is absolutely no intimidation involved,’ said a company spokesman.”(It would appear theat the writer of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was something of a prophet)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-12th Street being closed on campus. I don’t know why you need it closed to complete your Babelonian hotel, people, but get your heads in the game.
-The Broncos losing to the Redskins. I always hate it when my two teams play outside of the Superbowl, but I hate it more when one of them is way out of contention and the other is deep in the hunt and the team who the win will do nothing for is the team to win it. That is my definition of a pyrrhic victory.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ll have been together four months on Saturday. Huzzah! Can’t wait till we’re living together in our own place.
-Zack Greinke winning the Cy Young, and by a resounding margin. That guy had a fantastic year, even with the rest of the team holding him back, and it’s nice to see the shitty, smaller market team player recognized. Go Royal(s)!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-This week was not so odd. Although I did watch Jack Frost (the horror movie, not the Michael Keaton one) again for the first time in years. That movie’s pretty odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, here's the thing. I bought a box of Crunchberries, and on the front it says "Crunch-a-tize me, Cap'n!" I would like to know what I have to do to be Crunch-a-tized. Does someone have to nominate me? Do I have to perform an act of valor? Is it something that's only awarded posthumously? (If so, I don't think I'm interested). Or am I completely off base here? Maybe the Crunch-a-tization process is an organic one. Something that occurs in nature. Perhaps like a chemical reaction, or a genetic mutation that will prepare one to enter the next stage of human evolution. If this is the case, then what the fuck does Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch (Ret.)? Can you set me straight?
-The Crunch-a-tization process, on a physical level, is like the end of Superman 3 when that woman gets turned into a robot. But crunchier. However, on a mental level it’s more similar to that scene in Superman 3 where Superman battles with a corporeal manifestation of his own dark side. But crunchier. It’s a hard life, and shouldn’t be entered into lightly, but many who have undergone Crunch-a-tization and survived will tell you that it’s worth it. To be considered as a candidate for Crunch-a-tization, simply send a copy of your current resume, five letters of recommendation, and a 2,000 word essay detailing your desire and qualifications for Crunch-a-tization to the Royal Crunch Institute of Northern Corpusty, U.K. You can feel free to use me as one of those references. I already have a form Crunch-a-tization recommendation letter saved on my computer. It’ll take, literally, minutes to personalize it. And, not to brag, but, my name does carry a bit of weight with the Crunchies (as those members of the Institute are colloquially referred to). Of course, there is a second meaning to consider. To be Crunch-a-tized, sexually, involves the insertion of Crunchberries, milk optional, into the anus and the subsequent consumption of said anal berries by a consenting sexual partner. If this is the meaning you’re referring to, than I can’t really offer any advice as to whether you should pursue an activity of this nature. Such a thing would be between you, the Cap’n himself, your goodly wife, and your God. But crunchier. Good luck!

Nelson recommends:
-I saw 2012 last week. Everything exploded! Everything! And John Cusack, regardless of vehicle size, condition, or handling, or the presence of earthly fissure or lava, is an excellent driver! And Woody Harrelson loves pickles! I would recommend seeing it if you want to see everything explode and Woody Harrelson eat pickles. If you don’t, then a little part of me wonders why you read TWiN, but I still value your patronage.

I was listening to some news on the radio and there was a guy who predicts technological cultural trends (apparently fairly accurately) on, and he was predicting that online retailers and electronic readers were going to render bookstores obsolete in the next 10-20 years. He felt that smaller independent bookstores would be vanishing en masse within five years, and that the larger chains would begin to disappear in their non-electronic forms soon after that. The idea of that kind of bummed me out. Admittedly, I make most of my book purchases on Amazon and those that I don’t I make on other internet sites or the large chain stores. But I do like bookstores. I always have. It is a medium where physical browsing can be very useful and rewarding. Especially when I buy poetry, I like to flip throught the book and read a few poems before I commit. Which just isn’t the same on the internet. And I don’t know if I like the idea of moving toward a system where we read everything electronically. I just like books in every way. Books are the goods. I think the idea of the electronic readers is fine, and it interests me as a second option, or a way to keep one’s bookshelves a little less cluttered, or to take multiple books on the go. But I want it both ways. I don’t know if I’m actually making much of a point here. It was just something on my mind.

Anyway, that’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 45

Welcome back. I missed you. This week we’ve got actual reading being accomplished, an unprovoked attack on Plato’s Closet, Chiropteraic fellatio, further colonic counsel, alien invaders and quite possibly the most important question I’ve ever asked O’Reilly.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

I’ve actually almost finished reading the Chabon book. It’s good stuff. Essays and all that. I just like the cut of that guy’s gib. I feel like he’s one of the people who’s taught me the most as a writer. It’s also nice to really read a book again. After two and a half years of pretty prolific reading I guess I needed a break those last few months, but it’s still good to be back on the old book horse, trotting slowly back into Booktown to meet with the Mayor, Bartholomew P. Bookington about books and book related matters over steaming hot cups of books and a delightful assortment of dipping books. And for dessert? Book pie!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Passes the ‘they can hardly fit in my mouth’ test.”
--“Maximilian, we must break into the torture chamber immediately!”
--“It don’t have to be pretty, as long as there ain’t flames comin’ out it!”
--“Hey, I’m Chad, and I work, and shop, at Plato’s Closet. Plato’s Closet, is all about great style, and great values, for teens and twenties. The cool thing about us, is, that we pay cash, on the spot, for your gently used, brand-name clothing. People are watching their money, trying to live a green lifestyle, so what we do is important. You can’t forget, that we have cool clothes. We were green, before green was cool. Plato’s closet. It’s a fun, cool place to shop. And even work.”
(Apparently Plato’s Closet is cool. And their employees address the nation as if recently recovered from a stroke. And they’re cool!)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
How come you didn’t have a moustache in the 80's?
Sincerely,
Roboman
11 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“43-year-old Susan Finkelstein, a die-hard Philadelphia Phillies fan, was charged with offering an undercover officer sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Her lawyer called her ‘a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever.’” (How did that scenario present itself? Was the cop running some ticket scalping for sex sting? Is that a thing? Is that entrapment? Gaus?)
-Want more news? Check out the odd section. Half of it is actual news.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Illness! It has plagued the woman I love for weeks now in various forms and I’m close to killing it with a knife.
-Congress. Both parts. Both parties. Full on.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! That’s right, I said it. Even battling against the trials of Job she’s still amazing.
-Jon Stewart, South Park and God all taking masterful shots at Glenn Beck this week.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5cjOlv_Uw
-http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/nov/10/oral-sex-bats-improbable-research
-http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8352107.stm
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-5AMapzFWg

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Way back in issue 42/43 you counseled me concerning Colon Ninjas and the necessity of caring for my colon. Well, taking that to heart I’ve dived in with a gusto you would be proud of! But I’m now worried I may have taken it too far, and have another colonic conundrum for you.
I just received an e-mail from SurgeryPrepNotice@onsetopen.com who has told me that “Bowel Cleaning Products Linked To Serious Kidney Problems”. Obviously this information cannot be taken lightly. I mean, it’s a Surgery Prep Notice! Have I killed myself? Can I trust that safe methods have been used? Back there? I mean, I can’t really watch. It’s a really awkward position, in more than one way if you know what I mean. So the real question is: Can I sue? Is there some sort of ninjlomatic immunity that would prevent me getting the “Compensation that is Entitled to Me”?
--In a tizzy about my tushy”
-Yes, yes. I remember you. And I am proud! To answer your questions: Probably not. Probably not. Yes. Yes. Probably, but you should consult my lawyer about that. Not currently, although insurance law is an ever-changing, ever-expanding gauntlet of rotating swords. And, as we’ve already learned in TWiN, the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. So, I’d suggest taking a lap and not doing any heavy lifting with your anal cavity for the next few days and see how well it snaps back, so to speak.

Nelson recommends:
-Bob Dylan. Like me some Bob Dylan. They were playing nonstop Dylan at the Pig a couple mornings ago. Made me smiley.

The GRE Literature Subject Test went well. I think it went well anyway. I won’t know for sure for a while. It was a lot of interpretation and recognition, so I think it went all right. It was just a big pain in the ass. I’m glad to be done with it.

I’ve been watching the new V series. I was a big fan of the old miniseries. The old series that came after it, not as much, but still, big fan. I even wrote a paper about it once. The new one seems solid, but I’m not sure about it, yet. Mostly because I’m not sure V works as a 9/11 allegory as well as it worked as a Nazi/World War 2 allegory. Especially because V means Visitor now instead of Victory, which kind of rubs me the wrong way. There were some other things that kind of bugged me, but some other stuff I dug. For now I’m interested, but not sold. And it’s kind of gay that they’re showing four episodes and then going on hiatus until some time next year. Seems like an odd strategy, and one which flirts dangerously with failure. Plus, as of yet, there’s no Mark Singer, Robert Englund or Michael Ironsides, so they’re going to have to do something about that.

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 44

Welcome. Apparently some of you missed out on the email portion last week. Something was weird with gmail, apparently, and I got like five of them sent back to me. Sorry if you missed it. Feel free to check it out on thisweekinnelson.blogspot.com. If it fucks up again this week I’ll try to look into it. Anyway, I’ve got to take the GRE.Subject Test for Literature this Saturday morning, so I’ve been dealing with that the last couple days, so let’s waste no time and move on up. This week we’ve got some weird quotes. Seriously. And a fun fact about Newt Gingrich!

Birthday shout-out to Ryan! And Perrin! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Not really reading so much this week because of the GRE thing. Finally, a legitimate excuse!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m not checking the corners! I’m running to the bathroom and praying I don’t see dick!”
--“I love Bennigan’s. I watched Magic Johnson announce he had AIDS at Bennigan’s . . . on my birthday.”
--“It’s like Ghandi said, ‘A smile don’t cost nothing, sugar.’”
--“I’LL WASH MY MANHOOD WHEN I’M GOOD AND READY!”
--“This is a huge asshole!”
“What’s going on? Is that the asshole? Whoooooooooooa!”
--“I want that on my ass! I want that on my ass right now!”
“Take a picture of it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and there’s a lot of questions I can’t seem to answer. Can you help?
Ronald Reagan vs. Jack Palance, who would win?
Ronald Reagan vs. Abraham Lincoln, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln vs. Jesus, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln and Jesus, having fought initially and then realizing they should team up to save the world from evil, vs. Jack Nicholson circa 1975, who would win?
Me vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. John Elway, who would win?
John Elway vs. the slow, endless, erosive passage of time which gnaws upon all things until they are but dust and the lingering echo of memory, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Taliban, who would win?
John Wayne vs. lightning, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Incredible Hulk, who would win?
Spider-man vs. Barack Obama, who would win?
England circa 1907 vs. Rome circa 50, who would win?
Rome circa 50 vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You and I vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Seriously, will you help me kick Steve Henderson’s ass? He’s a major dick and he totally deserves it. I hate Steve Henderson!
Sincerely,
Roboman
4 November 2009
PS- Newt Gingrich stared at my girlfriends boobs today. Please advise."

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A 19-year-old Boulder, Colorado man was forced into the passenger seat of his car by five kidnappers, but typed out a text message that he’d been kidnapped and was quickly rescued by police.” (Five kidnappers? What kind of car was he driving?)
-“The police force of Budaors, Hungary collectively won $16 million in the lottery. The 15-person squad resigned on the spot.” (Quick! To Budaors, Hungary! There’s no law there! It’ll be like Thunderdome!)
-“The Maldives government held an underwater cabinet meeting to draw attention to the dangers of global warming. The small island nation, which is less than 3 feet above sea level, staged the half-hour meeting at a depth of 20 feet, with Cabinet ministers and the president in full scuba gear.”
-“A Stanford study found that coin flips favor whichever side of the coin was facing up when the flip was initiated, landing on that side as much as 60 percent of the time.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Slow ass drivers. I’ve been caught behind some low-functioning retards at the wheel of cars in the last 48 hours. Driving 13 in a 35 is bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’re moving in together in December. Sign the lease on the place today. Really, really looking forward to it. And I wasn’t lying to O’Reilly. Newt Gingrich totally showed up at the Natural History Museum at KU while she was working today and checked out her boobs. So, I can check that off my bucket list.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XtXm_FT1vY

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-The only question I got this week was about the whole email snafu from last week, which I have already covered in the intro. So there.

Nelson recommends:
-I saw an empty box of Franzia by the side of the road today. And I’d like to think somebody had just been wandering around, drinking wine straight from the box, and when it was empty they just dropped it on the spot. So this week I’m going to recommend wandering the Earth on a Franzia bender. Somebody get on that.

Studying for this GRE Subject Test is kind of a pain. I probably should have been working on it earlier, but it’s all multiple choice and reviewing the major shit that’s going to be on the test it’s mostly authors and works which I’ve read or am at least familiar with, so I’m not sweating it too hard. And I’ll still be working on Creative Writing during my PhD, so I’m guessing the Lit test isn’t too big a deal as long as I don’t totally blow it. Tonight I’m going to try a practice test without having done any serious studying just to see where I’m at. Should be interesting.

Anyway, I’m going to get back to that, so . . .

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 42 & 43

Sorry for the lateness and double-week action. Saira had the swine flu last week, so I was more focused on that. More on that later. This week we’ve got double the pleasure and double the fun. Well, 1.63 times the pleasure anyway. But 2.14 times the fun! Let’s do this!

Birthday shout-out to Adri! Belatedly! Had I been on my game last week it would have been more timely.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?”
--“Fuck you! Tell a bear!”
--“It’s like the Ernest movies, but with pants.”
--“Elmo is an Uncle Tom”
--“What’s gentlemen’s relish? Ewwwww! Ewwwwwwww! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Grooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssss!
Gross!”
--“Nothing say ‘Party’ like sparkling wine.” (The poor grammar makes it even better!)
--“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting ... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
--“I’m like this invincible, fearless black guy. Like Shaft. Or Bryant Gumble.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
In all seriousness, what’s the deal with Obama quietly removing tariffs on Israeli dairy imports when American dairy farmers are struggling to the point of having to take some herds to the slaughterhouse in order to pay the bills?
Also, in all seriousness, is it true that every male employee at Fox News had their penises measured for insurance purposes, and if so, how did you rate? The database I saw only had patient IDs, not names.
Sincerely,
Roboman
28 October 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing of note. Sorry.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Watkins! So, Saira had the swine flu, and the infection had spread to her eyes. We don’t know this, yet, exactly. Just that she feels sick, achy, tired, congested, and her eyes have been swollen for a few days. So we go to Watkins. They diagnose the problem as asthma. They don’t know what’s wrong with her eyes other than it isn’t pink eye, but don’t think it’s relevant. They admit it might be influenza, but don’t want to test for it. They just send her on her way to class with a prescription for an asthma inhaler. Saira suspects bullshit, so we go to Promptcare. They immediately diagnose it as a viral infection that has spread to her eyes, test her for influenza which comes back positive, and prescribe antibiotics. Consequently, she’s feeling much better. And Watkins is apparently negligent to a ridiculous degree. It’s no wonder there’s a flu epidemic on campus.
-The Redskins! What are you guys, the fucking Chiefs now? I think that’s how it works. You lose to the Chiefs, and your punishment is you have to be the Chiefs. Seriously, guys, shitting the bed is one thing, but shitting it every week is something else all together.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ve been going out for three months as of last Wednesday. Happiest three months of my life. I couldn’t love her more if you paid me. But I would still accept your money and use it to buy her pretty things.
-The Broncos! They can’t be stopped! They will kill you and take your power!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1F1rQ2fNos
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S3C4AC908w
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21OH0wlkfbc
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZ1hah7QvIw
-http://www.wikihow.com/Have-a-Witty-Conversation

You’re welcome!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear TWiN,
The Silent Killer: Colon Ninjas
I’ve been getting suspicious e-mails lately from Colon.Ninja@newcancerresearchs.com (true story) telling me to buy bottles and bottles of pills and liquids (surely to be taken in a suppository fashion) and threatening me that if I don’t I will die! (of cancer).
Why are ninjas so interested in my colon? And if one was interested, how can one join the fraternal sisterhood of those who assassinate through the colon?
Yours truly,
Colonically Confused in Quebec (or at least the French speaking portion of Lawrence)
-Ninjas are interested in your colon because your colon is important. Do you know how many people die of colon cancer every year? A lot. And are you checking your colon regularly? I doubt it. That’s why the ninjas are there to do it for you. And they’re ninjas so their examinations are as silent, swift and unobtrusive as possible. And, during those instances where there’s a price on your head, they will kill you while they’re in there. As for joining their ranks, there’s nothing you can really do. You don’t find them, sir. They find you. And if they take the measure of you from your colon and find you worthy, they will contact you and perhaps, if you’re lucky, they will teach you the medically helpful and deadly colon martial arts. Good luck with that. Tell them you know me. That might help. We go way back.

Nelson recommends:
-Buffalax! He writes fake phonetic translations for foreign music videos. Check out his channel on YouTube. Especially check out Benny Lava and Benny Lava 3.0, but it’s all good.
-Flashforward! I finally caught up with that show and I dig it.

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t mentioned my cats in a while, so let me take a second to tell you that they’re doing fine. Eating, napping, playing, sleeping, cuddling. They have a sweet life. Also, lately, there’s been some cave crickets infiltrating the house and they’re having a hell of a time hunting them down. In short, they’re great. Thanks for asking.

I’m gonna let it go at that. Happy Halloween! Remember to wear reflective markers on your clothing, be careful crossing the street, and don’t accept unwrapped candy from strangers!

See you next week. One hopes.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 41

Well, hello. Back again so soon, you ask? I told you it’d take less than a fortnight. And as you know, my word is stronger than oak. Or at least particle board which has been decorated to mimic an oak-like appearance. My point is, oak or no, I still make one hell of a bookshelf. All right, we’re gonna do this fast and ugly so we can get back on schedule. This week we’ve got to strap in and get moving. STRAP IN! Fine, don’t. But I’m strapped in and I’m not unstrapping for you, or anybody! Well, maybe for some of you. We may have to handle this on a case by case basis. Feel free to contact me as to your strap-worthiness. I like getting correspondence. Unlike Bill O’Reilly, apparently. Why won’t he write back!? This intro is kind of starting to feel like an O’Reilly email, actually. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was in a hurry. Yeah.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Started reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Zombies: A Record of the Year of Infection by, “Dr. Robert Twombly” (Dan Roff & Chris Lane)

Reading, whooo! New Michael Chabon book, whooo! Whooooooooo!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“No thanks, loose-leaf paper. I prefer abstinence-leaf paper, YOU WHORE!”
--“As far as even numbers go, ‘0' is the worst number of penises to have.”
--“They are goatfuckers, Jon. Pure and simple. Pure and simple. An organization whose sole desire and drive is the pursuit and seduction of goats. For the purpose of fucking them. Perhaps, Jon, if the facts of a story were scribbled inside the sexual organs of goats, CNN may have more of an interest in checking them. Until that time, if you need a goat fucked, CNN will do it.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What was your first sexual experience like? Because I just had mine and I’m wondering if everything was entirely above board and up to par. Let me break it down for you:
So, I meet this lady at a mixer at my church. It was a brisk Sunday evening, coat and scarf weather, and the hot cocoa was flowing freely if you know what I’m saying. I was cocoa-ed halfway out of my mind! Just, like, whoooooo! You know?
So, anyway, cocoa-ed halfway to New Jersey and back, and I meet this lady. And boy howdy, she was a looker. Long, blonde hair. Heavy, red lipstick. And, I mean, it was totally ALL the way around her lips. Right? And boobs! She absolutely had boobs! A real man’s lady, if you follow me. And she’s fully into me, listening to all my stories about how I’m friends with you, and how we talk all the time, and email each other, and I hang out around your neighborhood in my car with the engine running, just smoking cigarette after cigarette and staring at your front door. So, thanks for being my wingman there, because she. Is. A. Fan! Obviously, of course, but still, that’s another one I owe you.
Anyway, she drives me back to her place (no way I was driving after all that cocoa! ;-)!) And we start going at it as soon as we get in the door. Hand holding, cheek rubbing, Eskimo kisses, you name it! This dame was into all kinds of things. And, I’m all, like, “Yeah! Take off your mittens. No, do it slowly. That’s right, it’s getting too hot in here for mittens. Oh, yeah! Yeah, a glass of ice water would really hit the spot. That’s extremely polite of you to offer. You filthy slut.”
So, I just down that ice water in a single gulp. You know? To impress her. And she’s clearly impressed. She’s so impressed she can barely clean her cat’s litter box. And it was good water, cause I was feeling pretty woozy after I drank it. I mean, it packed more of a punch than the cocoa, even. I’m stumbling around, slurring my speech, peeing a little. I was kind of worried I might be ruining the mood, but no worries there! She was sooooooo into it! Seriously, ladies love it when you pee on yourself. But, you probably know that. A real bushmaster like yourself.
But, she’s excited. Like, really excited. Like her pants were down, and her erection was E-NOR-MOUS! I mean, easily three times bigger than mine ever gets. And I must have been really staring at it, because I didn’t even see her fist until after she’d punched me. Right in the face, just POW! And not once, but six or seven times! And me in my weakened cocoa and ice water state.
So, I’m extremely disoriented, and there is no way I’m doing anything when she bends me over the couch and removes my pants. How could I? Besides, with all the urine, I was pretty glad to be rid of my pants.
Well, next thing I know, she’s taken her mighty erection and has inserted it into my butt! I mean, jackpot! I guess!? And she keeps taking it out part of the way and then putting it back in. Like, maybe she was trying to reach a certain depth, and she just couldn’t quite hit it. But, how could she with a penis that big? I’m just one man. But she kept trying anyway, a whole lot of times. I lost count. But, eventually she must have gotten tired of trying because she punched me some more times and took it out of me for good.
After that I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was waking up in the lobby of the post office and my wallet was gone.
So, my questions are these:
1) Even though my lovely lady didn’t appear able to insert her penis as far into my butt as she wanted too, did I still lose my virginity? Because I feel like I lost something.
2) Should I cancel my credit cards?
3) How long did your butt hurt after you lost your virginity? Because not being able to sit down is really starting to effect my performance at work.
4) Should I get one of those surgeries where they replace your hymen so you can still be a virgin on your wedding night?
Please get back to me soon. And if you could recommend some kind of salve for my butt, that would also be greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Roboman
13 October 2009"

I mean, he’s gotta write back now, right? Or, like, a police officer or something has got to contact me, or something. Which would totally count!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A group of dwarves in China set up a village where nobody taller than 4-foot-3 is allowed. ‘As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people,’ said resident Fu Tien. ‘But here there aren’t any big people.’”
-“The London Daily Telegraph found documents indicating that Iranian president and notorious Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has Jewish roots. Ahmadinejad’s family changed its name from Sabourjian, a Jewish name meaning ‘cloth weaver,’ when it converted to Islam after his birth.”
-“It was a bad week for Ralph Needs, 80, of Groveport, Ohio, whose home was invaded by two men who pistol-whipped him, ransacked his house, and stole his truck. A few days later, Needs was accidentally shot through the hand as his son Steve was teaching him to use a 9mm handgun to defend himself from future attacks. ‘Hell,’ said Police Chief Gary York, ‘that would be a bad week.’”
-“Scientists have found a nearly complete skeleton of a newly discovered human ancestor that pushes back the horizon of our species’ evolution by 1 million years, and overturns previous theories about how humans evolved. The new hominid species, named Ardipithecus ramidus, or ‘Ardi,’ lived in Africa 4.4 million years ago— long before the famous ‘Lucy,’ who was previously the oldest known hominid. Ardi, who stood about 4 feet tall and weighed 110 pounds, walked upright, but had flat, grasping feet that could be used to climb trees. In many respects, Ardi is the closest thing to being the proverbial ‘missing link,’ with physical features halfway between those of chimps, and a small, chimp-like brain. ‘It is not a chimp, it is not a human,’ University of California paleoanthropologist Tim White tells The Wall Street Journal. White and his team spent 15 years assembling and analyzing Ardi and the shattered remains of 36 members of her species. The skeletons strongly suggest that humans and chimps diverged on the evolutionary tree much longer ago than was previously thought, with chimps and gorillas developing many of their modern features— such as knuckle-walking and hanging from branches— only after they went down their own evolutionary path. Ardi, says paleoanthropologist David Pilbeam of Harvard University, ‘is one of the most important discoveries for the study of human evolution.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The Redskins! First you lose to the fucking Lions, giving them their first win since December, 2007! 2007! To put that in perspective, do you remember that endless Bataan Death March of a Presidential election we went through? The last time the Lions had won a game was BEFORE THAT HAD ACTUALLY EVEN STARTED! So, they do that, and then two weeks later they lose to the winless, pathetic-looking Panthers? And look like shit doing it! What the fuck!?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Whooooooooo! Seriously, though, she’s awesome.
-The Broncos! 5-0! They took down the Cowboys and the Patriots! How fucking sweet is that!? The answer is 20! That is 20 sweet! Apparently Jay Cutler can suck a big, fat dick! Who knew?
-The Daily Show, specifically for ripping CNN a new one on Monday. That was well executed.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F1cOvZ3nS8 (It takes a little while to get going, but it’s worth it. And special shout-out to Dan for helping to keep me in weird internet links!)
-Taco Bell going apeshit commercial-wise about the fact that they have black taco shells now. I mean, I like black people and things, but I’m not launching a national ad campaign about it. Some local radio spots and an appearance on Jayni’s Kitchen, sure. But that’s it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-No questions. Fine, I see how it is.

Nelson recommends:
-See the book section. Zombies and Michael Chabon! Huzzah!

So, yeah. There you have it. Back on track now, week-wise. Let’s see how long I can keep that going. See you next week!

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 39 & 40

Yes, yes. I know it’s been forever since the last week. I’d like to say the 100th took a lot out of me and I had to rest up, but that would be fibbing. Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into This Fortnight in Nelson. We’ll get back on track. Anyway. This week we’ve got to get going cause its been two and a half weeks and damn, that’s a long time.

Birthday shout-out to Nate, Dave and Jacqueline! And congratulations to Austin and Megan on getting married!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

(Sigh)

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’ll tell you this. I’m not doing this show with some rookie monkey. We get one of these five monkeys, or I’m out.”
--“Look how sleazy that guy is. I’m having a hard time imagining ever peeing again looking at that guy.”
--“Midgets can’t play pro baseball. No strikezone. One time back in the day a midget jumped out of a cake and then played in the game. Now it’s illegal. It’s true! Look it up!”
--“It’s Billy Joel! Suck it!”
--“It’s a little weird walking into a home and the first thing you see is rockets and pictures of children with guns.”
--“Those who truly understand felines know that the cat lord is neither good nor evil but concerned with cat-things alone.”
--“If you’re looking for a better steak in an arcade atmosphere, you’re shit out of luck.”
--“It’s like in a romance novel when the girl is about to get raped and then realizes she wanted it in the first place.”
--“We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed . . . What’s Footloose? . . . That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”
--“Okay, the holy spirit just made the wow answer.”
--“Does this cat know who he’s fucking with? I’m the Dalai fucking Lama. Here’s one he hasn’t heard: What’s the difference between a pit bull and the Dalai Lama? A pit bull won’t rip off your head and then fuck your neck.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
The liberal media has gone too far this time! Just look at this screed against you I found in a prominent journal!:
‘Bill O’Reilly:
Bill O’Reillys live in loose bands, and are typically found in the same areas as are goblins. Unlike their smaller cousins, however, these hairy giants operate equally well in bright daylight or great darkness, so they are as likely to choose a habitation above ground as they are to select a subterranean abode.
If 12 or more Bill O’Reillys are encountered there will be a leader. If 24 or more are encountered there will be the following additional Bill O’Reillys: a chief and a sub-chief. If encountered in their lair there will always be a chief and sub-chief, and there will be females and young equal to 50% each of the number of males. Neither of the latter types of Bill O’Reillys will fight unless in a life or death situation.
The arms carried by Bill O’Reillys range the gamut of available weapons— from swords to wooden clubs with spikes set in them. A fair number of spears are carried by these monsters, and they tend to use them, along with axes, maces, and hammers, as missile weapons. As Bill O’Reillys are strong they can throw these weapons.
Although Bill O’Reillys are clumsy looking and walk with a shambling gait, they are actually able to move very quickly and with great stealth.
Description: The skin of Bill O’Reillys is light yellow to yellow brown— typically dull yellow. Their hair ranges in color from lusterless tannish brown to brick red. Their eyes are greenish white with red pupils. The odds and ends of armor they wear, as well as whatever cloth, skins, or hides they drape themselves in, tends to be ill-kept, dirty, and dingy.’
How dare they!
Sincerely,
Roboman
8 October 2009"

On a side note, that was the twentieth email to Bill O’Reilly and still nothing. A smaller anniversary than last week’s, but still.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Jonathan Parker, 19, of Fort Loudon, Pa., allegedly broke into a home and stole some jewelry, but left his Facebook account logged into the victim’s computer— which is how police identified him.”
-“Kings Island amusement park, in Mason, Ohio, took down its ‘Halloween Haunt’ display of skeletons of dead celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, and slain NFL quarterback Steve McNair and his late mistress. ‘We weren’t intending for it to be distasteful,’ said a park spokesman.” (I wonder what their Halloween display was like in 2001)
-“16 Polk County, Fla., drug investigators who raided a home in search of drugs were caught on a security camera playing the suspect’s Wii Bowling for nine straight hours.”
-“A British man wearing a gorilla costume for a sponsored run was stopped by police who thought he’d escaped from a zoo. Rory Coleman, 45, was running 143 miles to benefit the Gorilla Organization, a great-ape preservation charity. But after calls from alarmed motorists, police stopped Coleman, pulled him to the side of the road, and questioned him as to his species. ‘I told the police I’d come quietly,’ said Coleman, ‘as long as they gave me bananas.’”
-There were also some articles about a new dinosaur discovered which is exactly like a tyrannosaurus rex but the size of a human being, a new AIDS vaccine which has been cutting the risk of infection by 31%, and that of the people in the U.S. killed by lightning 80% are men.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I know there’s a couple things that bugged me over the last few weeks, but they’ve slipped my mind.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! I know. You’re shocked. Still, I love her.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdX_OBUeHb4

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Congratulations on hitting 100 episodes. Does this mean you’re getting a syndication deal, now? Can we expect to catch the reruns on TBS?”
-Yes and no. Yes, I’m going into syndication. But no, it’s not on TBS. Instead it’ll be on Univision. Sabado, sabado, sabado!

Nelson recommends:
-That new Community show. I like that Joel McHale, so perhaps I’m biased, but still. Pretty funny, pretty solid.

Well, that ought to do it. See you next week. Hopefully.

–> N.