So, I'm at work, and I have a song stuck in my head. No big deal. The weird thing is, it's the song from the old SNL three-legged jeans commercial. How is that lodged in my brain to the point where it's been stuck on repeat for the last couple hours? So fucking strange.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 16

Greetings! Hello Spring! I’m wearing shorts! It’s delightful! Exclamation points! This week we’ve got an exciting book announcement, the good side of editing for television, coffee all up in my business, a new health threat, and how much to pay for a gay elephant.

Birthday shout-out to my uncle, Ned! Honest contractor! Protector of stray cats! Huzzah! And to Cole’s Dan (who’s last name I’m afraid to say I don’t know)! Whooo! Birthdays!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Started reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

So I read that Seth Grahame-Smith(the guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)’s next book is going to be Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. So excited! This man is my new hero!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I came to America as a girl, but because of you, I leave it as a woman who has discovered both her sexuality, and her ability to manage an extended-stay hotel.”
--“I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-Friday plane!” (Snakes on a Plane, edited for TV, yet still almost as good)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Artyom Sidorkin of Russia went into surgery this week for what doctors believed was a large, malignant lung tumor. Doctors found and removed a 3-inch-tall fir tree growing in his lung. ‘I thought I was hallucinating,’ said the surgeon, who thinks Sidorkin must have inhaled a seed.” (He had a fucking tree growing inside his lung! That’s fucking crazy!)
-“If you love chocolate but are concerned about the calories, David Edwards, a Harvard biomedical engineer, has a treat for you. It’s ‘Le Whif,’ a lipstick-sized mini-inhaler that shoots a calorie-free chocolate mist into your mouth. The device grew out of Edwards’ research into a better way to deliver inhaled medicines; the price is about $2 for four puffs.”
-“Ninio, an elephant acquired by a Polish zoo, was denounced this week by a conservative politician for being uninterested in mating with the zoo’s females. ‘We didn’t pay 37 million zlotys to have a gay elephant,’ said Michael Grzes.” (I include this mostly for the quote.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Leaky coffee cups. My coffee today is mad leaky. Coffee everywhere. Coffee all up in my business. I say thee nay!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Switching from coffee to beer for purely hygienic reasons. I say thee yea!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-That tree lung can now be considered an actual medical condition.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Was Tracy Morgan in Crocodile Dundee 2?”
-No. No he was not.
--“How much should one pay for a gay elephant?”
-I would say no more than 27 million zlotys for a male, or 35 million for a female. Approximately. For an exact price, I would consult Berringer’s Price Guide for Homosexual Animals, published annually by Random House.

I’m gonna call things early this week on account of lazy. And the feeling that I topped out with gay elephants. How do you top gay elephants? The answer is very carefully, or not at all.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 15

Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. This week we’ve got my cats’s birthday, innuendo at the Pig, a new reason for Muslims to hate us, a hot dog dream deferred and tweener Spanish Fly.

Birthday shout-out to my cats! They turn two on Monday! They grow up so fast . . . After Easter, they are now both completely addicted to ham. Seriously, fucking love them some ham. You think you love ham? You don’t. Not like they love ham. It’s not possible. It’s just not.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth

I finished the Goodbye, Colombus part of the book, I just haven’t finished the accompanying short stories, yet. It’s Roth’s first book, and the book Michael Chabon read right before he wrote Mysteries of Pittsburgh, so I was interested to check it out. It’s good stuff, kind of a dissection of class amid a summer romance for young Jews in 50's Jersey. Honestly, I kind of thought it could have been longer, but at the same time it was probably the exact length it should have been. Good stuff. I need to read more Roth. I just do.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“This is perfect. Like, creepy perfect.”
“Mmmmm. Just like the way I french.”
--“That is the most offensive, yet skillfully acted black-face I have ever seen.”
--“The monkey is shocked because he told that bitch to get an abortion.”
--“He just kept ramming it into me, but I kept singing along to the song, trying to ignore it. And he didn’t say sorry afterwards, because he didn’t realize how much it hurt, but it really hurt.” (From a conversation on the porch at the Pig. It’s not what you think, but I’ll leave it at that.)
--“When people think of Jim Lehrer, they think sex.” (That is what you think.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A recession-battered New York City launched an ad campaign this week aimed at convincing gays and lesbians that a visit to the city is the equivalent of a Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca. The new ‘Rainbow Pilgrimage’ campaign, timed to the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots in Greewich Village, describes a visit to the city as ‘a rite of passage.’”
-I also read a brief article that drinking tea when it’s really hot increases the risk of esophageal cancer eightfold. So, let your tea cool! Yeah, I know, slow news week.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The 9th Street Kwik Shop always being out of Marlboro Lights lately. What’s up with that? It’s been two weeks. Maybe up your order next time. It’s kind of a popular brand, you know?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-That South Park last night. Cause it went from Pinewood Derby, to warp drive, to a space criminal with a 40's gangster voice, to space cops, to nuking Finland, and I’m a big fan of Randy, so hell yeah! That shit was crazy.
-I’d say something about the weather being nice, but then it would just go to hell again, so I’m not saying a damn thing.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Okay, this isn’t really odd, it’s just odd that I spent time thinking about it and checking dates on the internet. So, I’m amused by the Lebron James insurance commercial where he laughs at the guy who’s car got burglarized because he has a Kid N Play album, and in the end he does the dance with another dude. Today, though, I thought about it, and I realized, does Lebron James even know who Kid N Play are? Cause, he was like, eight years old when they were finishing up their careers. And that commercial loses something for me if someone had to teach him about the Kid N Play dance for the commercial. And then I felt old.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Do you like grilled cheese sandwiches?”
-Yes.

The Royals game was fucking good times. Got there nice and early and tailgated up a fucking storm. Much meat was eaten. Had some beer brauts made with Miller High Life. They were the champagne of beer brauts. I recommend them. Hilary made some sweet burgers and Emily rocked the veggies. Good stuff. And the stadium renovations were looking pretty good. The K is all fancified and electronic now. The only downside to the day was the game itself, because the Yankees totally spanked the Royals. And the crowd was fucking stupid with Yankees fans. Fucking Yankees. Also, much as it was with Jesus, Royals stadium betrayed me three times. First, I went out to smoke, and I went all the way over to the railing, where other people were smoking, and an employee told us we had to go all the way down and out to the outer fence to smoke. That’s fucking bullshit. We’re outside. We’re not in anybody’s way. Fucking discrimination. So I get in line to get a beer and a hot dog. I wait in line for ten minutes, and when I get up to the front, they shut the line down. Old woman behind me was ready to start beating motherfuckers down. So I just go grab a beer from the alcohol booth and go back to my seat. A couple innings later, I get back in line to get my beer and hot dog, and when I get up there, they’re out of hot dogs! Why does the K hate me? Still, all in all, I had a great time. Go Royals!

Observe and Report was pretty good. It was funny, but not hilarious, necessarily, though there were some pretty big laughs. It was kind of all over the place, but in some ways that was kind of fun because it was just different. It was something other than a lot of the movies you normally see. I would recommend it, but for those of you who pay to see movies, I wouldn’t necessarily tell you to run out and see it right now, in the theater.

On a side note, I haven’t seen the Hannah Montana movie (sorry), but apparently it’s pretty sexy because there were reports of a guy masturbating in it on Saturday night. So, if you want to spice up your relationship, I guess go see that movie.

See you next week, happy couples!

–> N.

PS- Getting caught having sex in the Hannah Montana movie would NOT be a good time to drop my name at the movie theater. Just FYI.

My Top 5 Comics

I love comic books. I am a comic book nerd, of sorts, and I read all kinds. I would consider myself knowledgeable on the subject. Anyway, I had a brief conversation with Avery about her and a friend of hers making lists of their top five comic books of all time, and decided I was going to make my own. I placed a couple caveats on myself when doing this. First, just to make things easier on myself, I decided to only pick one work per creator. I doubt that I would have chosen differently if I hadn’t, but it definitely made the decision process that much quicker and easier. Second, in keeping with Avery’s definition of the exercise, I only included in my judgment comic books that were actual serialized comic books, not graphic novels, even if they were now observed more as the latter due to their subsequent release as collected works. And finally, I decided that my choices had to be comic books that had completed their runs, so that they could be judged on the whole of their narratives as complete works.

So here they are, in a loose order, my top five comic books of all time, with a little something about them to help recommend them to you. I encourage you to read them all.

1) Preacher by, Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon
-My favorite comic of all time. I reread it every year or two. I named my cats after two of the main characters. Love it. All at once, it’s a modern day Western, a ridiculous buddy cop adventure, a twisted morality tale, an epic quest for redemption, a touching romance, and one of, if not the best, explorations into the meaning of what America is and what it means to be American in the last thirty to seventy-five years, and easily the best one ever written by an Irishman. It’s the story of an ass-kicking preacher named Jesse Custer, his gun-toting girlfriend Tulip, and Cassidy, a hard-living Irish vampire, on a quest to find a wayward God and take him to task, and all the insane misadventures they get into along the way. It also features one of the greatest villains, Herr Starr, who is a power hungry, mass-murdering psychopath, a righteous warrior for peace on Earth, and the unluckiest motherfucker who ever lived. Love it!

2) Transmetropolitan by, Warren Ellis and Darrick Robertson
-If Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego Raoul Duke lived hundreds of years in the future, he would be Spider Jerusalem, the insane, violent, drug-addled outlaw journalist who is the last voice of truth in a world gone mad with commercialization, corporate ubiquity and misguided personal freedom, and which is under the thumb of a government which secretly has no sense of compassion or social responsibility. A wild romp of a read that walks a tight-rope between wacky comedy and deadly political maneuvering.

3) Y: The Last Man by, Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra
- A plague has wiped out every human and simian male on the planet except for amateur escape artist Yorick Brown and his pet helper monkey Ampersand. With the help of a hard-core secret agent and a scientist who’s research is somehow connected to the plague, he sets out on a quest to find a cure, his missing girlfriend and a way to keep hope alive in a world teetering on the brink with no hope in sight.

4) Watchmen by, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
-Inescapable on a list such as this, it’s heralded as the pinnacle of comics and the point at which the medium became a place for adult appreciation and an exploration of deeper themes and more mature subject matter. It’s that, definitely, but it’s also a dense and intricate narrative, an attack against Cold War politics from the heart of the conflict, an excellent story of intrigue and personal conflict, and an exploration of both the impact that actual costumed heroes would have in the real world and what the truth of peace, justice and morality really is. And it’s accomplished in only twelve issues, which feel as weighty as one hundred but read with the pace and excitement of three. A must read for everyone.

5) (two-way tie) Sandman by, Neil Gaiman (with various artists) and Lucifer by, Mike Carey (with various artists)
-I couldn’t choose between these two because I love them both and can’t decide honestly which one I prefer, and because they are intrinsically linked. Both these books are connected by the character of Lucifer (the Devil), as a supporting character in Gaiman’s story and as the lead in Carey’s, and both are tightly woven yet sprawling narratives of the interaction between a mystical world with epic mythical characters and their interaction with our own ordinary world and the select individuals from it who get caught up in the action. In Sandman, the story centers on Dream, the immortal physical embodiment of dreaming, and his attempt to discover who he is now and reconcile the wrongs of his past after experiencing a life-experience. Lucifer is a Nietzschean exploration of will against predestination and of the struggle between responsibility and convenience. Both of them are great, and when put together create an even greater whole than the sum of their parts.

That’s my list. Read them, know them, love them.

Thank you for allowing me to indulge in this distraction.

–> N.

Color Me Badd?

Has anyone listened to the song I Wanna Sex You Up lately? Cause I did, and those lyrics are a lot stanger than I remember. "We can do it till we both wake up"? What's that mean? Don't get me wrong, it's still an epic slow jam, but it just don't make no sense.

British Poetry

Willie sent me this link to the website of an odd British poet.

His stuff's pretty fun, especially the poem this link goes to:

http://www.timkey.co.uk/index.php?paged=2

Check it out.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 14

SO WINDY TODAY! Good for traveling by sail across the ocean. Less good for writing This Week in Nelson. So let’s get moving. This week we’ve got zombies, zombies, zombies! Plus, a birthday wish granted, a satisfying visit to Guantanamo Bay, a more satisfying trip to the car wash, the hazards of having fur, and the hazards of having foreskin.

Birthday shout-out to the Easter Bunny! Or Jesus? How come you never see them both in the same room? Could they be the same person? Of course not! Jesus wears glasses. The Easter Bunny doesn’t wear glasses. It’s impossible. Besides, if they were the same person, Lois Lane would surely be able to tell. She’s a world-class reporter. No, they’re totally different people. I feel like a fool for even suggesting otherwise.

Books read this week:
-Radi Os by, Ronald Johnson
-Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by, Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith
-Started reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is the shit! It’s totally just the book Pride and Prejudice, but pared down a bit, plus there’s a zombie epidemic in England that’s been going on for fifty years as the book starts, and the Bennett sisters have all been trained in Shaolin Kung Fu to combat the undead menace. So it’s so much more awesome than the regular version. Also, Mr. Darcy keeps making surreptitious ball jokes to Elizabeth, which is honestly stranger than all the zombie mayhem. Seriously, though, I can’t recommend this book highly enough. As it says on the back cover, it “takes a masterpiece of world literature and turns it into something you might actually want to read.” If you like zombies and/or comedies of manners, read this book! It makes me want to see more classic literature get the zombie treatment. Like A Tale of Two Cities and Zombies. Or War and Peace and Zombies. Or The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombies. Or Romeo and Juliet and Zombies. Or The Canterbury Tales and Zombies. Or The Communist Manifesto and Zombies. The possibilities are endless!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“They set off together, armed only with their ankle daggers. Muskets and Katana swords were a more effective means of protecting one’s self, but they were considered unladylike; and, having no saddle in which to conceal them, the three sisters yielded to modesty.”
--“I know of nobody that is coming, I am sure, unless Charlotte Lucas should happen to call in— and I am sure my dinners are good enough for her, since she is an unmarried woman of seven-and-twenty, and as such should expect little more than a crust of bread washed down with a cup of loneliness.”
--“She remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to him. ‘Your balls, Mr. Darcy?’ He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, ‘They belong to you, Miss Bennett.’ Upon this, their colour changed, and they were forced to look away from one another, lest they laugh.”
--“Okay, so you’re Genghis Khan, but you also really need this job.” (Best director’s note ever!)
--“I tell you what, if you give him a free release, and he can get behind you, he can do some real damage.” (Best Madden 09 commentary ever! John Madden, you rogue!)
--“Somehow we have to recapture that love, the innocence and tender beauty of autoerotic-asphyxiation.”
--“Robyn is totally embarrassed to be my boyfriend right now.” (That last one was drunk Mick, calling me on his birthday. Your birthday wish of being quoted in This Week in Nelson, Mick? Granted. And for those that don’t know, it’s funny because Robyn is a girl.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Miss Universe paid a visit to Guantanamo Bay military base this week and declared it ‘a loooot of fun!’ After seeing the detainee camps and recreation areas, Dayana Mendoza of Venezuala said, ‘I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.’”
-“It was a bad week for having God as your co-pilot, after a Tunisian pilot was sentenced to 10 years in prison because he paused to pray instead of taking emergency measures before crash-landing his plane, killing 16 people.”
-“An Iowa 13-year-old was arrested this week for biting 11 kids at his school. His father said he meant no harm, but was obsessed with the vampire movie Twilight.”
-“A Connecticut middle school has banned all physical contact between students. The ban came, say officials at East Shore Middle School, after a student was hospitalized following a blow to the groin. From now on, principal Catherine Williams wrote to parents, students may not touch each other in any way; the possible penalties including expulsion. ‘What if they are out at the playground at recess, or in gym class?’ said parent Kathy Casey. ‘You know, gym class is physical.’” (Recess at middle school?)
-“A Michigan man has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for having sex with a car-wash vacuum cleaner. Jason Savage, 29, pleaded no contest to charges of indecent exposure after being caught in flagrante with the vacuum. Saginaw County Judge Fred Borchard told Savage that he should be ashamed for making Saginaw a national laughingstock. ‘I believe you owe the community an apology for what you’ve done,’ Borchard said during sentencing.” (Come on, did you see how that car-wash vacuum cleaner was dressed? Your honor, you know you would have hit that!)
-Two bits of science news I read: 1) Two separate groups of scientists using the same process have claimed to have produced energy from a fusion reaction in their labs, though there’s some disagreement in the scientific community as to their findings. And 2) a study in Uganda revealed that uncircumsised men are 25% more likely to contract herpes, 35% more likely to contract HPV, and 60% more likely to contract AIDS. Damn! Apparently Jewish God was onto something!

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Myself. And God. And nature. My cat, Cassidy, he has the long hair. And consequently he’ll get matted hair under/behind his legs. Because long hair, and he’s crazy active, and you can brush a cat, but you can’t really brush the undercarraige. So, he gets matted chunks of hair, and I have to trim them out. And it’s an arduous process, because you have to go slow, making small cuts, watch for the skin where it’s close, letting him go when he freaks out too much, then picking him back up to keep going, over and over, over the course of a few days, and he hates it, and he looks at you like, Why!? Why are you doing this to me! I hate it! And I’m none too pleased with you either! Luckily, he’s such a good natured little guy that as soon as you let him go, he completely forgives you, and he’s ready to be petted again and play. But damn, the trimming process, she’s a bitch. I’m just glad his sister, Custer, has short hair, because, while generally a real sweetheart, she’d be nowhere near as accommodating or forgiving if she needed trimmed.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Dollhouse. That show’s really starting to hit a stride. And two weeks ago it was finally seriously funny. In retrospect, a Whedon show always takes a little while at first to cement its mythology and get some momentum, and I get the feeling that the slower start also had to do with the initial network meddling. Regardless, I’m enjoying it more each week, and I’m happy to see news reports that its renewal and even possible move to a more respectable night of the week, while still unannounced, is more than likely going to happen.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Kal Penn getting a job in the White House. Just a little odd. And how long will we have to wait now for the epic conclusion of the Harold and Kumar trilogy, “Harold and Kumar vs. Bill and Ted: Who Will Win?”? Yes, I wrote a Harold and Kumar/ Bill and Ted movie. No, no one has bought it, yet. But I’m hopeful. There are too many questions left unanswered without this movie! Get moving, Hollywood!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
–Still no questions? What’s the deal?

Going to go see the Royals on Saturday. Looking forward to it. I haven’t been to a game in a couple years. Good times, good times. And I’m going to see Observe and Report tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

That’s all for now. I’ve got things to do, people to see, and it’s windy as all fuck out here.

Till next time,

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 13

Hello. That’s all, just hello. It’s just nice to be polite. This week we’ve got an important mixology secret revealed, the continued march of science, the English handling an enormous penis, the Statue of Liberty losing her damn mind and the onset of a disturbing death lottery.

Birthday shout-out to Mick! It’s a little early, maybe, but his birthday will happen before the next This Week in Nelson, so it felt like the time. And Mick is awesome. Partially because he listens to This Week in Nelson read aloud by a robot voice, but there’s other reasons, too. Like his meteorological skills. And his gentle touch. Go Mick!

It’s still two months out, but here’s another quick reminder to keep Saturday, May 30th open for the early celebration of my 30th birthday (which is actually Monday, June 1st). Just keeping it in your heads (and hearts), and hopefully your calendars (and loins).

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard

I highly recommend Captain Freedom, especially to those of you in the habit of reading comic books who want to read a satirical novel about a superhero. Funny, funny stuff.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“The Academy of Heores and Villains is a conservative group with little sense of the modern era. They battled gangsters with tommy guns, and when they flew, they could muster only fifteen knots an hour, uphill both ways, in snowstorms, during Martian invasions.”
--“NPR doesn’t even have a Sexiest Man of the Year award. It’s like a third-world country.”
--“The trick to the Rob Roy is the bitters. Not any bitters, but the bitters extracted from the tears of a fourteen-year-old girl who’s been dumped hours before the eighth-grade dance because her boyfriend has fallen for her best friend who is so totally not good looking.”
--“I made her come so hard she hiccuped.” (This one isn’t so funny, but it’s a direct quote from someone I know, and it impressed me. I guess it’s kind of funny, too.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“An Italian doctor this week continued performing brain surgery while having a heart attack. ‘I’m not a hero,’ said Claudio Vitale, who had angioplasty after he finished the operation. ‘I couldn’t leave at such a delicate moment.’” (I just wonder, was he the only guy who could perform this surgery? Cause, I would think that brain surgery requires a certain amount of delicate skill, the kind of skill that could be disrupted by one’s heart ceasing to function properly. Then I noticed that his name was Vitale and I wondered if he was performing surgery screaming “Yeah baby! I’m cutting into a brain! This is awesome with a capital A! Oh no! My heart stopped! This is gonna be a real buzzer beater right here! Yeah baby!”)
-“It was a bad week for feminism after a poll found that 25 percent of young women questioned would rather win first prize on America’s Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Half said they’d marry an ugly man if he were rich.” (This sounds kind of bad, but maybe they should have asked if they’d marry a man they didn’t love if he were rich. And besides, it’s not like Tyra Banks hands out the Nobel Peace Prize. Am I right, ladies?)
-“The McInnes family of Hungerford, U.K. discovered this week that 18-year-old son Rory had painted a 60-foot penis on the roof of the family home to see if it would show up on Google Earth. A helicopter pilot noticed, and when flummoxed father Andy McInnes asked Rory why there was a giant penis on the roof, the teen said, ‘Oh, you’ve found it, then.’” (Way to maintain your Britishness even in the face of a giant roof penis, McInnes family.)
-“A Florida eighth-grader was suspended for three days this week for farting on the school bus. Jonathan Locke ‘passes gas on the bus to make the other children laugh and it is so stink [sic] that you can’t breathe,’ said the bus driver on a complaint form. Jonathan’s father said trying to prevent eighth-graders from laughing about farts was probably futile, and the boy said the fart in question wasn’t even his. ‘It was a kid who sits in front of me.’” (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! Did you notice the kid’s name? The plots for Lost are getting out of control.)
-I don’t want to go through the trouble of including the articles, but I read this week that science has developed both a cure for peanut allergies and a new coating for cars, i-pods and furniture which, when scratched, will repair the scratches itself by simply being exposed to sunlight. Go science!

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The clusterfuck that is the Broncos. In three to four months we’ve lost Shanahan and Cutler? What the fuck? I am both tired of and mad at this.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The new Decemberists album, The Hazards of Love. I love the Decemberists in general, but it’s a hell of an album. All the songs, while still distinctly their own animals, are still interconnected and bleed together, like a Floyd album, and it jumps from folksy ballads to hard rocking, from plaintive love songs to confessions of grisly murder. All with their typical language which resembles a Victorian-era revenge film. It’s kind of like what they did with the multi-part second track of The Crane wife, or with their EP The Tain, but expanded into a full length album. I’ve been listening to it in the car all week. Love it. Highly recommend it. Highly recommend the Decemberists in general, but this album is particularly the bee’s knees.
-Little shout-out to the TV show Chuck for making another Spies Like Us reference. I respect those that respect Spies Like Us. Also, big ups to How I Met Your Mother for having a major plotline revolve around Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon and an actual Teen Wolf appearing in their episode. It’s like the zeitgeist is located in my brain.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-So, on south Iowa, they have a place that helps you with taxes, and so they have someone dressed up as the Statue of Liberty waving at cars out by the street. That wasn’t the odd part. That’s become kind of standard. Although the idea that the Statue of Liberty represents trustworthy tax help is kind of odd, but still, that’s not the odd thing I’m talking about. The odd thing was that on Monday the Statue of Liberty girl was playing the fiddle and dancing a jig by the side of the road. For hours. She was there when I went to get lunch and she was there when I went home. That was odd. Visually and conceptually. Right?

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--You asked none, but still, here’s my answer:
-No, that would not make a good marinade. That would be a reckless course of action that flies in the face of both the intricacies of social etiquette and the laws of God and man. Don’t do it! Please, no!

A quick shout-out to the KU women for making the final four! Sure, it’s the NIT, but still, well played, ladies.

This is kind of only a question for some of you, those who play Madden 09, but does your copy of Madden have a hard-on for the Chargers like mine does? I’m in the playoffs of my third season playing Superstar mode, and for the third year I’m playing against the Chargers. They’re the only team in the AFC to have made the playoffs all three years I’ve played. What’s up with that? Does Phillip Rivers’s mom work at EA?

Finally, I’d like to pour a little liquor for Andy Hallett, who played Lorne on Angel and died yesterday of heart failure. That’s two series regulars from Angel dead now, and begs the horrifying question, who’s next?

Death surrounds us! Keep your doors locked and your helmets on at all times!

Until next time.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 12

It’s a less auspicious week, what with the post 75th anniversary hangover, but still, let’s make this 76th week just as mildly entertaining as you’ve all come to expect. Thank you to all of your shout-outs and well-wishings over last week’s milestone. I appreciate your continued patronage. So, let’s get going. This week we’ve got the uncertain future of my skin, the hospitable dance of the vagina, cheesy paradise, zombies and a televised plea for robot equality.

Birthday shout-out to no one, I believe. I will, however, drop a shout-out to loyal reader Chris Goulter for his dropping the science of Chuck Norris’s birthday a couple weeks ago. Mr. Goulter recently shared with me his habit of saving all of the Weeks to date, which, when he amasses the proper amount, he will bind together in a book which he will cover in the flesh of my flank and hindquarters, and then carry across the world, converting the populace to his religion of This Week in Nelson worship. I eagerly await your efforts, sir, despite the partial epidermatectomy required. Let Mr. Goulter’s zeal be a lesson to the rest of you.

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Still reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard

Captain Freedom etc., etc. is a hell of a wacky little book. If you enjoy superheroes and crazy, pick it up. It has powerful funny contained within its pages.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Contrary to popular belief, it is not terribly unbearable to poop at 10 degrees.”
--“Chess just got fucked in the face!”
--“Earlier experiments with 3-D TV included 3-D episodes of Third Rock from the Sun and Coach, but the ratings revealed that America found Coach to already be in two dimensions too many.” (Ouch.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The first pizzeria in North Korea’s history opened this week in Pyongyang. The Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, sent chefs to Italy for training, so that his people— who are often starving— could sample the worlds best foods. ‘I’ve learned through TV and books that pizza and spaghetti are among the world’s famous dishes, but this is the first time that I’ve tasted it,’ said customer Jung Un-Suk, 42, describing the flavor as ‘unique.’” (Freedom is on the march!)
-“The owner of a British nightclub wrote to police to deny allegations that her establishment was rife with drug use. Police tested the letter and found it ‘covered in cocaine.’” (I just wonder why they tested it. Was it coated in white powder? And if so, did she not notice when she mailed it. Was she eating those little bite-size powdered sugar doughnuts while she wrote the letter, so she was confused? Or was she actually doing lines off the letter itself as she wrote to keep the magic happening? This news bit fascinated me.)
-“Police in tiny Tenaha, Texas, have pulled over 147 motorists on their way to casinos in Louisiana and threatened to charge them with serious crimes unless they surrendered their cash, jewelry, cell phones, and even their cars, according to a new class-action lawsuit. Police say the seizures— almost all from nonwhites— target drug traffickers, even though in all 147 cases, no drugs were found. ‘We try to enforce the law here,’ said Mayor George Bowers.” (Now, I’m not a lawyer, but something seems a little off here. Gaus? Am I right? And is Boss Hogg to blame?)
-“Human beings can imagine and plan for future events— a capability that scientists have long believed makes us unique among living creatures. But an angry chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo has shown that his species is capable of meticulous preparations for the future: He stockpiles rocks, shapes them into aerodynamic discs, and then waits hours for zoo visitors to come into range so he can pelt them. The chimp, named Santino, began hurling rocks at people 11 years ago, when he was 19— a time when male chimps become aggressive and try to establish dominance. Every morning before visitors start to trickle in, Santino roams his outdoor enclose, searching for small stones. He’s learned to make his own stones, too, by knocking pieces off the concrete walls. At times, Santino shapes his weapons into discs, so they sail through the air more accurately. The chimp stacks the stones in small piles, so that when he becomes irritated by visitors invading his territory, he has an ammunition store on hand and can begin hurling his missiles. No one has been hurt (chimps have lousy aim), but it’s an impressive performance nonetheless. In the wild, chimps use tools, but to address immediate needs, not future ones. Santino’s behavior, Swedish primatologist Mathias Osvath tells the Associated Press, ‘convincingly shows that our fellow apes do consider the future in a very complex way. It is very special that he first realizes that he can make these [stone missiles] and then plans on how to use them.’” (A world where apes evolved from man?)
-“The female orgasm isn’t just for fun, says Israeli scientist David Elad. When a woman has an orgasm, Elad says, her uterus and vagina contract in rhythm— a ‘welcome dance’ that creates a vacuum and pulls extra sperm into the uterus. Since the reproductive tract normally retains only about 65 percent of the semen it takes in, this suction provides an extra boost, giving sperm a better chance of reaching the egg. Female orgasm, Elad believes, has evolved to act as a preference mechanism in a world in which women may have multiple sexual partners. When a woman prefers one man to others, her body can give his sperm an advantage over its rivals, increasing the likelihood that she’ll conceive with the most attractive, attentive partner.” (So, if the vagina can create a vacuum, and science teaches us that nature abhors a vacuum, what does that mean? Why does Mother Nature hate vaginas? Honestly, though, I really only included this for the idea of a vagina performing a “welcome dance,” which makes me think of a bunch of vaginas doing a hula and handing out leis at an airport in Hawaii.)
-“A woman spends $300 getting her hair cut and highlighted. She comes home, waiting anxiously for her husband’s reaction— but he says nothing. It might not be because he’s a jerk, says New Scientist; he simply may be suffering from ‘hair blindness.’ Cognitive neuroscientist Brad Duchaine, who works with prosopagnosiacs— people who can’t recognize faces— has found that the brain generally does not recognize hair as a facial feature, like it does eyes and noses. Prosopagnosiacs, in fact, often make up for their defecit by identifying people by their hairdos. ‘Normal’ men, Duchaine believes, focus mainly on their spouse’s or girlfriend’s face upon greeting them, and therefore may not really ‘see’ that their hair has changed.” (Vindication!)

SO MUCH NEWS! Hopefully it makes up a little for the sorry amount of out-of-context quotes.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Sunflower whatever-the-fuck-they-call-it-now. First, my DVR won’t make series recordings of half the major networks, then they were dicking around with my signal on Tuesday which caused Reaper not to be recorded. Motherfuckers.
-The Yankees, for not putting A-Rod on the official DL yet, so I can’t put him on the fantasy DL and pick up an extra player. Honestly, Yankees, aside from viciously hating you for years, what have I ever done to you to deserve this?
-My laptop battery dying an early death. I’m going to get it replaced for free, but still, it’s a fucking hassle.
-Sams Club, for no longer carrying one of the major ingredients of Dave’s corndogs, which I have already explained, are the King of Awesometown. However,

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Cheesy hashbrowns! In lieu of corndogs, Dave made cheesy hashbrowns for our baseball draft on Sunday and they were so good that if I had a vagina it would have done a welcome dance. Seriously, for an hour after I ate them, I was four inches taller and didn’t need to use my glasses. SO GOOD!
-The final episode of Battlestar Galactica. As usual, to spare those of you who haven’t seen it, yet, especially the many of you I know to be watching the show but not caught up, I won’t go into detail. I’ll just say it was pretty fucking sweet. And, once again, a fine example of fostering equality for our robot brethren, lest we force them to throw off the tyranny of our shackles with rough sex and lasers.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-That they made a 3-D episode of Coach, honestly. I mean, who wants Dobber in their livingroom? Besides me?

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Is there anything that can’t be enlivened by the judicial application of zombies?”
-Not to grammar nerd out on you, but yes, I can think of countless activities: painting, rock climbing, cunnilingus, jumping rope, etc. that would be diminished by the presence of a zombie passing judgment on my efforts. Zombies are notoriously difficult to please, after all. As for a “judicious” application of zombies, then no, not really. That would probably enliven just about anything. Except maybe the cunnilingus. That would just be distracting. And difficult to gauge one’s efforts what with all the extra sources of moaning.

On the subject of zombies, I’ve been playing House of the Dead: Overkill the last couple nights on the Wii, which is basically a game where you shoot zombies structured as a ridiculous buddy cop B-movie. It’s like Lucky and Wild, but with less driving, more zombies, and a lot more uses of the word “motherfucker.” Seriously, I’ve never played a game where they say “motherfucker” anywhere near this much. It’s nothing amazing, but it’s good fun.

Okay, I don’t trust my laptop battery, so I’m calling it a day. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 11

Holy shit! It’s the 75th episode of This Week in Nelson! Is it an episode? Or an issue? I’m not sure. I think I’ve used both before. Anyway, this is 75th time I’ve sent one of these motherfuckers out. And what does that mean, exactly? I don’t know. But I do know that it’s good for me, good for you, and by God good for America. So sacrifice a goat at the altar of my awesomeness, and commune, for the 75th time, with this thing which slouches forth from the tangle of my brainular region and onto your computers. This week we’ve got the elasticity of the second holiest of holies, a comforting lack of snakes, the pornography habits of Mormons, possible legal action against a great American sitcom and the very nature of time itself, kind of. For the 75th time, let’s do this.

Birthday shout-out to St. Patrick? Is it his birthday? Or the snakes? Anyway, I got drunk and I didn’t see any snakes, so mission accomplished.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy by, Tao Lin
-Started reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard
-I also reread all of Bendis’s Avengers-y stuff from Disassembled and the Secret War through Secret Invasion, to see how it all adds up. It adds up pretty well. Love me some Bendis.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“He ain’t flung poo since I bought him his hat.”
--“My heart feels like a medium-erect penis wrapped in saran wrap.”
--“Today the headbutt is a sign of friendship, stability, and inner calm.”
--“Skinny little Jewish guy from The Lord of the Rings, what’s his name? Gollum, that’s right.”
--“Guys, women like three things: men in kilts, Southern Comfort and Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game.”
--“Why would you need more than one pair of pants? Who are you, Jude Law?”
--“Did you know the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic?”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The porn paradox! Guess which states are most interested in online pornography? That’s right— those with the highest concentrations of politically conservative and traditionally religious people. Of the top 10 porn-buying states in the nation, says a new Harvard University study, eight voted Republican in the last presidential election. In states in which laws have been passed banning gay marriage, subscription rates to porn sites are 11 percent greater than in states without gay-marriage bans. In Utah, most people agreed with the statement, ‘I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage.’ Yet Utah boasts the highest porn-buying rate in the entire nation. Why are people in ‘red’ states more likely to indulge in online porn? Perhaps they’re simultaneously repulsed and fascinated by sexuality, study author Benjamin Edelman tells New Scientist. ‘One natural hypothesis is something like repression: If you’re told you can’t have this, then you want it more.’” (I KNEW IT, UTAH! I was reading this, and I’m like, ‘it’s gonna be Utah. Utah, number one with a bullet-shaped dildo.’ And I was right!
-There was also an article about a kangaroo breaking into a home in Australia and wreaking havoc, and the father putting it in a headlock to get it out of the house, but the headlock was the best detail, so I figured that’s all I’d mention. It seems like a stereotype, though, doesn’t it? An Australian stereotype where kangaroos come into houses and jump around and these crazy Aussie bastards throw them into headlocks and wrestle them out of the house. But apparently it’s true. This is what happens in Australia. And they all carry huge knives.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The tax increase on cigarettes. Fucking things are like 5+ dollars a pack now. When I was a boy, they weren’t but 2 bucks. America, what’s happened to you?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The NCAA Tournament starting up. Love the fucking tournament. The first four days are easily the best sports event of the entire year. So much basketball. So much awesome. Love it. I spent all morning and early afternoon waist deep in basketball. Eating basketball. Drinking basketball. Rolling around in basketball. Sensuously rubbing basketball all over my naked body.
-The fact that I’ve done 75 of these things. That’s a shitload, and I have to admit I didn’t really expect to go on for this long. Go me!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Stu mentioned something about an article in Harper’s where archeologists were digging up Star Wars sets or something. I’m not sure what the deal was, I didn’t read the thing, but it sounds weird, whatever the story is.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear This Week in Nelson: As this is an anniversary issue (which is a celebration of time), I was hoping you would dissertate the implications of going from 1 BC to 1 AD without the year 0. Doesn’t this defy all conceptions of mathematics, logic, and common sense? Yours, ‘Calendrically Confused in Copenhagen.’”
-First of all, I haven’t dissertated anybody since the war, and I’m not starting now. Second of all, math is a tool of the devil, just like egg timers and dental dams, and I eschew all three. Third of all, the measurement of time as we observe it is only an abstract aggregate construction to help maintain an orderly observance of the linear sequence of events as human beings perceive their existence upon the mortal plane, and therefore it only possesses whatever structural properties and absolute authority with which we choose to endow it. And fourth of all, damn Stu, haven’t you ever heard of a Leap Year? Year 0 totally got leapt over. Apparently somebody slept through Calendars 101 in school. Don’t worry, buddy. Your secret’s safe with me.

Okay, so I love me some 30 Rock. That’s already been established. But did anyone else notice this last week’s episode where they had a sketch called Robot Bear Talk Show? Cause robots and bears, aside from historical figures, are my thing. Now granted, they didn’t have Davy Crockett, or robot herpes, or Robo-Santa Ana and the Robo-Mexican Army, or sex between bears and robots, or the Robot-Bear Adoption Center (when bears fuck robots, what can you do?), so I’m not considering legal action. But I’ve got my eyes on you, 30 Rock. If I see Abraham Lincoln smacking some bitches up or a Peanut Butter Solution, you’ll be hearing from Gaus.

On a sad note, I heard the news yesterday that Ron Silver of bad guy in Time Cop fame passed away this week. Pour some liquor, people. We’ve lost another angel back to heaven.

I hate to end on the sad note, so I’ll end on the news that Dave Gaus is going to be a dad. That’s right, a little half-Chinese, half-Gaus baby is forthcoming. So, every time God closes a bad guy in Time Cop door, he opens a mixed race baby window. Mysterious ways? Check.

See you next week.

–> N.

Go Cote!

Some of you know Cote. Those that don't know him should. He recently got a story published and got interviewed. Here's a link:

http://www.one-story.com/index.php?page=story&story_id=118

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 10

Here we are again. This is the 74th Week in Nelson, so we’re basically just killing time for next week’s 75th anniversary extravaganza. Which will likely bear a striking resemblance to every other Week to date. So let’s not waste any time. This week I watch the Watchmen, I quote Stephen Colbert, I have a suspicion confirmed and I simultaneously lose a little more respect for Utah and discover a secret facet to the impending Norse Armageddon. It’s 75th Week eve. Put out some cookies for me and get reading.

Birthday shout-out to Chuck Norris! I would say something delightful about Chuck Norris’s superhuman capabilities here, but what hasn’t already been said? The fact that he’s a surprisingly tender lover? Yeah, it’s been said, but it bears repeating. If only he didn’t roundhouse kick every time he came. Then I’d still be able to lift my left arm above my head.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Started reading Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy by, Tao Lin
-Started reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard
-I also reread all the issues of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8 comic book that have been released so far. To help round out the Buffy marathon.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I wish you’d picked an easier theme than Super Jet Dinosaur Fun Monkeys. What does that even mean?”
--“The Laurel and Hardy of being a dick.”
--“Sandy Koufax is all you Jews go on about. Sandy Koufax and the Holocaust. It gets old.”
--“I am just trying to help you Hip Hop-ify the GOP by letting you come on my show and drop more science than a Kansas school board.”
--“Just to be clear, sex swings have been around for thousands of years It’s not like I invented them. I wish I had!”
--“These caplets release a lawsuit-resistant combination of mercury and oven cleaner that targets the parts of your brain responsible for not seeing spider demons.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“In Gainesville, Florida, traffic officers wrote a total of seven tickets for a BMW that had been illegally parked for two weeks. A neighbor finally called the police, who found a dead body in the back seat.” (Well played, Gainesville traffic officers.)
-“A new study found that 84 percent of Germans in their 20s would rather do without their significant others than give up access to the Internet. The young respondents explained that you can always find another man or woman to love, whereas life without the Web is unthinkable.” (Well played, Germans. That’s just the sort of robotic lack of human emotion that never lets us forget your tendency toward stealing pool furniture and massacring Jewish people.)
-“Two restaurants in a Rhode Island mall food court are in the fifth year of a legal battle over the right to sell rice. David Chu, owner of Cathay Cathay, says he pays extra rent to be the mall’s sole provider of white rice, which he calls ‘the backbone’ of Chinese food. But Yogi Sood of Gourmet India says his lease allows him to sell basmati rice— a long-grained strain of white rice— which he calls the ‘must ingredient’ of Indian cuisine. Legal fees so far have totaled $250,000.” (Well played, Rhode Island mall food court. Way to make German people seem more reasonable. Who includes rice-related provisos in a commercial lease agreement?”
-“The state legislature in alcohol-unfriendly Utah is considering a bill that would require bars and restaurants to prepare all alcoholic beverages behind a 10-foot wall. A Senate committee approved the measure, designed to protect children from the tempting sight of drinks being mixed. Liquor commissioner Gordon Strachan voiced his opposition. ‘Not only is the cost significant,’ he said, ‘but it makes Utah look even stranger.’” (I don’t even know what to say to you, Utah. Three questions, though. 1) Utah has a Liquor commissioner? 2) He’s not bat-shit-insane? And 3) Why a 10-foot wall? How tall are the bartenders in Utah? Is every bartender in Utah a Frost Giant, killing time mixing drinks for people who Jesus won’t let drink them while they await the day when they’ll be called upon to take up arms and fight to death in the world-ending conflagration of Ragnarok? If so, then I guess I can see how the sight of them working might be enticing to children. Seriously, Utah, what the fuck?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Don’t even get me started on the Big 12 Tournament.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-That Willie finally sent out a new Averill Report. And that in reading it I learned that Finland is apparently awesome. I always had a good feeling about you, Finland. I’m glad to see my suspicions confirmed.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-I don’t think I can top the Rhode Island and Utah news stories.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Apparently nobody wants to learn anything this week. You people are wasting the powerful resource of my endless font of information for how to make shit up.

I saw Watchmen this week. I dug it. I think they did a fine job. I don’t want to go into too much detail for those of you who haven’t seen it or read the book, but I think they made the virtually impossible more or less possible in doing a pretty faithful adaptation. It’s missing a little, back-story wise, and it loses a little bit in some areas, like the Dr. Manhattan chapter where Moore explores what his perception of time is like. But they did shoot Lee Iaccoca in the head, which is something I never thought I would find entertaining, but did. I recommend catching it. I also recommend reading the book. I recommend the book more, but the movie, she’s good. Definitely the best movie version of Alan Moore’s work to date (granted, the bar was not set so high).

Okay, seriously Kansas. You’re hot, you’re cold, you’re fat, you’re skinny. You’re fucking shit in bed. I want a divorce. I’m fucking freezing right now. Get off your ass, Spring. It’s go time.

In addition to my thesis, I’ve recently been working again on a novel I started a couple years ago and unceremoniously lost interest in. It’s going pretty well. Perhaps I’ll post some chapters on the blog soon. I realize I’ve been a little lax the last few weeks on the non-This Week in Nelson portions of the blog. My apologies. Granted, the only people I know who’ve looked at it are Gaus and Devin, and possibly Stowers, so I don’t feel too bad about it. I’ll try to toss some more random shit on there in the near future. I was tempted to talk about the Watchmen movie on there in more detail, but as in here I didn’t want to ruin it for people who hadn’t seen/read it yet, and if I couldn’t go into more detail I didn’t really see the point. And if I don’t see the point, then by God, who could?

I read a pretty fascinating article in The Atlantic about American fighter pilots this week. About how America is losing air superiority now that other countries have fighters that pretty much match the F-15, and the discussion about the new F-22, and how many we should produce. Whether or not it’s vital these days to possess air superiority. Whether a hybrid force of both F-22s and F-15s could do the job. The possibility that if we lack air superiority, we might not commit to questionable wars, but that it’s more likely that other countries would challenge us with wars we may have to fight. And it also talks about the nature of air combat through the ages. It was a good read. I’m a big fan of the Atlantic. They’ve always got some fascinating shit in there.

Okay, I’m still cold, so I’m wrapping this up. See you next week for the big 7-5.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 9

Here we are again. Weeking it, Nelson-style. And running a bit behind this week, so let’s get cracking. We’ve got retard backlash, the evils of strong drink, the king of the douchebags, filet o’ people and a college basketball dry surprise. Get ready, the first three rows will get wet!

Birthday shout-out to Corey, for reals this time. And birthday shout-out to Ashley! Whoo! Birth!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading The View from the Seventh Layer by, Kevin Brockmeier
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams

It took me way too long to finish the Brockmeier short stories, but I have to say they really were excellent. Highly recommended, along with all of Brockmeier’s other books. The Ryan Adams is a book of poetry he just put out. Being a fan, I figured I should pick it up. It’s pretty good, but nothing amazing. He’s got some pretty good turns of phrase, but there’s some hit and miss stuff and mechanically it could use a little work in some places. There’s a little unnecessary repetition, some overwrought emotional phrasing and some weak line breaks here and there. His music is better, is my verdict. I think the thing is, it’s a long collection and he might have been better served with paring it down to just the best work. Which is honestly a criticism I’ve seen of him before. The guy’s a prolific motherfucker, I guess. What can you do? Still, if you do like Ryan Adams, feel free to check it out. There’s good stuff in there. I just can’t give it the full-on recommendation. At least not yet. I haven’t finished it yet. Maybe he’ll really start dropping gold later on.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Galileo, what the fuck!?”
--“Somebody out there is dead set to take retards down a peg.”
“Yeah, they’ve had it too good for too long!”
--“If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate, it’s losing and getting cancer.”
--“Sometimes, to do something good you have to do something bad first.”
“I just want you to remember that when I eventually make love to your mother.”
--“No! We would never shoot nuclear weapons at Decepticons!”
--“Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics’ Big 3 in Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue: ‘I shall of these three fools now make my purse,’ Marbury was heard to say after the game, although he appeared to be addressing no one and perhaps spoke only to himself.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing particularly interesting this week, I’m afraid.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-That I watched the new Street Fighter movie. Cause Jesus, it sucked. Loren and Margaret were in town for an early celebration of Gaus’s 30th, and we were fucking hammered, and they needed to watch a movie to sober up before driving back to KC. And somehow it came down to a coin flip between that and Paul Mart Blart Carp (we were that drunk). It just goes to show you, kids. Drinking can have a serious downside. Still, it was cool to see the Saunderses. Is that the plural of Saunders? I just don’t know. It was nice seeing all the people I don’t see regularly for the two-part Gaus party. Good times. You should get old more often, Gaus.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Reaper being back. Finally. That season premiere was solid fucking fun. Absolute ridiculousness. If they had just used “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid, that would have been enough for me, but the “college cram-session” montage, the baby beer mascot, the poorly executed fire hose escape, and the “Where did you get this book? The Devil is attracted to radishes? Like, sexually? What does that mean?” brought it all home. Seriously, I love that fucking show. One of the best things on TV right now. I can’t recommend it highly enough. The first season’s on DVD, check it out if you haven’t.
-That new Demetri Martin show is kind of hit or miss, but there’s usually at least one bit that completely raises the bar every week. The one in last week’s where the kid gets to have his dream dinner with Ben Franklin, Shakespeare and Galileo at a T.G.I. Fridays and they keep trying to nail the waitress was solid gold.
-Seeing Watchmen tonight. I am totally excited to see what they’ve done with it.
-Colbert’s Doom Bunker last night. That shit was amazing. “Werewolf congress.” Hell yes.
-KU bending Missouri over on Sunday and making them cry. That was fucking sweet. Not so sweet was us playing like absolute ass last night against Texas Tech. I would have put that in the mad at section, but I’m not really mad. Just disappointed. Besides, we still clinched at least a share of the regular season title. Things are gonna be just fine.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The weird Jay Cutler possible trade clusterfuck in Denver. You’re not filling me with confidence, new guy.
-The filet o’ fish commercial for McDonalds with the singing fish on the wall. Really just because it says how if the people were in the sandwich they wouldn’t be laughing. Cause, even if you’re discounting the idea, why bring up the subject of eating people at all? That makes me think that they’re trying too hard to say that there isn’t people in the filet o’ fish, which leads me to the conclusion that it is, in fact, people.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“The woman with whom I share an office listens to Rush Limbaugh everyday while eating lunch. Needless to say, it irks me. Now, I can’t do what I want to do, which is bludgeon her to death with her mini-radio while it’s still playing Rush so that it seems like her racist, pill-popping hero is actually killing her, the way he’s slowly killing me. Any suggestions?”
-Why can’t you kill her? Okay, okay. No killing her. Could you kill Limbaugh? Hmmm . . . . solving problems without murder is tricky . . . How about this? How about you counteract the diatribe with a little gangsta rap? Karmically cancel it out, and such like. That’s my non-murder suggestion. Cause there’s nothing Limbaugh hates more than black people. Except maybe women. Or everything that’s good in the world. No, on second thought, I’m prescribing murder here. It’s just the only way. Good luck with that! You’re doing God’s work.

Seriously, is there anyone in the world more vile than Rush Limbaugh? I mean, sure there is, but he’s gotta be up there. One time Paul Rudd jokingly more or less said about somebody that “calling him a douchebag is too kind. He’s what they make douchebags for.” When I think about Rush Limbaugh, I think about that. Rush Limbaugh is what they make douchebags for. He’s Douchebaggus I, King of All Douchebags.

I finished my Buffy marathon two nights back. I’m not going to go on and on about it, but I still just want to say that goddamn, it’s the fucking best thing ever. It is the fucking pinnacle. I’ve said before that while it’s my favorite, The Wire might still be better, but I really have to put them on equal terms, I think. They form a two-headed monster of awesomeness the likes of which the world has never seen. During that Buffy-thon, I would watch the current shows I watch that I’d DVRed first, and then I would watch the Buffy, and I have to say that for the vast majority of the current shows I watch, while I watched them these last couple weeks, I kept thinking, “come on, hurry up and finish so I can get back to watching Buffy.” I wish to God there was something that good on TV right now. The world would be a better place.

Thank you to Ryan and Chad for giving me shit for not working on my thesis when they saw me, as I previously requested. Granted, I was at Gaus’s birthday party at the time, but still, their hearts were in the right place. I have to say that the Buffy marathon really gave me a creative charge, and I’ve recently doubled my efforts on the thesis front. Just another reason to love that show.

Well, that’s enough for now. I’ll see you when I see you. Next week if not sooner.

–> N.