This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 16

Greetings! Hello Spring! I’m wearing shorts! It’s delightful! Exclamation points! This week we’ve got an exciting book announcement, the good side of editing for television, coffee all up in my business, a new health threat, and how much to pay for a gay elephant.

Birthday shout-out to my uncle, Ned! Honest contractor! Protector of stray cats! Huzzah! And to Cole’s Dan (who’s last name I’m afraid to say I don’t know)! Whooo! Birthdays!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Started reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

So I read that Seth Grahame-Smith(the guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)’s next book is going to be Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. So excited! This man is my new hero!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I came to America as a girl, but because of you, I leave it as a woman who has discovered both her sexuality, and her ability to manage an extended-stay hotel.”
--“I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-Friday plane!” (Snakes on a Plane, edited for TV, yet still almost as good)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Artyom Sidorkin of Russia went into surgery this week for what doctors believed was a large, malignant lung tumor. Doctors found and removed a 3-inch-tall fir tree growing in his lung. ‘I thought I was hallucinating,’ said the surgeon, who thinks Sidorkin must have inhaled a seed.” (He had a fucking tree growing inside his lung! That’s fucking crazy!)
-“If you love chocolate but are concerned about the calories, David Edwards, a Harvard biomedical engineer, has a treat for you. It’s ‘Le Whif,’ a lipstick-sized mini-inhaler that shoots a calorie-free chocolate mist into your mouth. The device grew out of Edwards’ research into a better way to deliver inhaled medicines; the price is about $2 for four puffs.”
-“Ninio, an elephant acquired by a Polish zoo, was denounced this week by a conservative politician for being uninterested in mating with the zoo’s females. ‘We didn’t pay 37 million zlotys to have a gay elephant,’ said Michael Grzes.” (I include this mostly for the quote.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Leaky coffee cups. My coffee today is mad leaky. Coffee everywhere. Coffee all up in my business. I say thee nay!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Switching from coffee to beer for purely hygienic reasons. I say thee yea!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-That tree lung can now be considered an actual medical condition.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Was Tracy Morgan in Crocodile Dundee 2?”
-No. No he was not.
--“How much should one pay for a gay elephant?”
-I would say no more than 27 million zlotys for a male, or 35 million for a female. Approximately. For an exact price, I would consult Berringer’s Price Guide for Homosexual Animals, published annually by Random House.

I’m gonna call things early this week on account of lazy. And the feeling that I topped out with gay elephants. How do you top gay elephants? The answer is very carefully, or not at all.

See you next week.

–> N.