This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 25

Hey hey hey. Little late this week, but I’ve been high for three days. As such, I’m coming to you tonight from the inside of a lightning bolt. It’s pretty cool, I guess, being one with a pure electrical force, but the drink specials suck and Jesus keeps trying to get me to take a ride with him on his motorcycle. It’s a pretty nice motorcycle, though. I’m gonna try and win it off him in poker once I’m done with this whole thing. So let’s get on with it! This week we’ve got a whole grip of shout-outs, proper genital care, Tyranno-people, a friendly ultimatum, and the most difficult question I’ve ever had to answer in TWiN.

Birthday shout-out to Willie, whose return to this land of freedom is imminent. This land of PBR, Perkins and more PBR. Also, Chloe’s birthday is this week, so she gets a shout-out too. And I also need to belatedly birthday shout-out Auman, who I missed last week. And, more still, a belated anniversary shout-out to Loren and Margaret, though to be fair I still haven’t missed their civil ceremony’s anniversary yet. So, happy birthday/anniversary to all y’all!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I didn’t have time to read, but on a side note, the ceiling is fucking moving!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m just wondering if he’s a fan of Bert and Ernie or circumcision.”
--“Recently, my Doctor told me that i have seriously sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”
--“Carload of Farts is like his Thunder Road.”
--“See how the genitals make use of the gap. Gap in the seat is needed to keep pressure away from sensitive genitals. Loose trousers are the best. Try without underwear. That is most comfortable.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Well, sir, I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but I have been writing you quite faithfully for the last several weeks, but still I hear nothing from you. Friendship is a two way street. Not a cul-de-sac. Love has to move freely back and forth between friends. One friend’s love shouldn’t be poured solely into the other’s bowl-like receptacle to be noisily devoured as an aphrodisiac before a night of engaging in the love-making process with one’s goodly wife (do you see now how my cul-de-sac metaphor is apt?). You are eating my love and using it to fuel the furnace of your marital bed without reciprocity. For shame!
And so, I’ve had to cease a few of my friendly duties until such time as you respond to me and earn my love. I will henceforth no longer be:
1) Checking your mail for poison
2) Checking your meals for mail
3) Sacrificing goats so that their life force might be absorbed into your dread machine
4) Sacrificing goats to make you Greek food
5) Eating Greek food in your driveway
6) Screaming
7) Shopping at Sears
Of course, all these actions will be quickly resumed the moment I receive word from you. And fear not, no matter how long you may take to respond, I will continue to send you weekly missives. Even if you prove not to be beholden to the laws of friendhip, I wouldn’t want to deprive the missus of all the joy your ingesting my words brings her. Sexually.
Write soon! I may need to scream on Tuesday!
Sincerely,
Roboman
26 June 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing really strong this week. Though I did read something I found kind of interesting. They did a study on human skin called the Human MicroBiome Project to determine all the different kinds of bacteria that live on our skin and where they live, and in what numbers. They found out that the most highly populated area on the body is the forearms, and the area with the least bacteria is behind the ears. So, the moral of the story is, stop washing behind your ears and have your forearms removed. Don’t worry, you can still have hands. They’ll attach the right to the elbow, no problem. Then mankind will be like Tyrannosaurus Rexes, with their oddly short arms and their massive jaws filled with bone-crunching razor sharp teeth. The jaws and teeth I’m expecting us to naturally develop through evolution to make up for our ineffectual arms. Which will be AWESOME! Tyranno-people are just two steps away! The line for forearmectomies starts behind me.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Fucking 9th street construction. I’m keeping it on here until it stops pissing me off.
-The heat. Fucking taking it a little too far, Earth. It’s summer, not Super Fire Hot Time Explosion Party (which is, of course, the Japanese word for summer.)

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-There was a review I read of Transformers 2 from the London Guardian where the reviewer talks about Michael Bay saying that his style is “fucking the frame,” and then responds to this idea by saying “Mr. Bay gives the frame a right good seeing to.” He goes on and on with the idea, and it’s all pretty good, but that one little oh so British phrase really pleased me.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Watching some dude totally Star Wars Kid it up in a downtown parking lot Tuesday night around midnight, spinning and striking at the air with a long piece of PVC pipe. It was hypnotic.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Blue?”
-Blue!

Saw two movies on Tuesday. Transformers 2 and The Hangover. Transformers was explosions, explosions, robots, robots, robots, explosions, and could have been 30 minutes shorter. The Hangover was pretty funny, but maybe a little standard issue. A little vanilla. I don’t know.

Speaking of movies, has everyone heard how the Oscars are now going to have 10 Best Picture nominees? Now, I admit, I don’t know the details, but the impression I get is just a straight field of 10, which seems extremely unnecessary. I can see doing the Golden Globes thing and having a best drama and a best comedy with 5 nominees for each, but just boom, ten movies, pick one? It just seems like that’ll make the selection even more relative and arbitrary than it already tends to be. The whole thing’s apples and oranges, is what I’m saying, and now they’re throwing in grapes.

Now, we’re going to take a second to pour some liquor for Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Sad times.

And now that I’m feeling sad, it’s time for me to evaporate into the evening air. And get me some Jesus cycle.

See you next week. Probably less high.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 24

So fucking hot out. And for some reason the trees are blowing in a breeze I can’t feel. Fuck you, trees! This week we’ve got the truth about British moustaches, the truth about crunchberries and the truth about Entertainment Weekly’s balls.

Birthday shout-out to NPH, belatedly. Love that guy.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Christ.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Most people who have moustaches in the UK are either gay or a fascist. Or sometimes both.”
--“He was the black guy in the Wiz, right?”
--“The only thing better than Wookiee rape is Ewok rape.” (Rape by, not rape of, to clarify)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Still no word from you, which is disappointing, but I guess I can understand it. Busy man, and all. So, how about all this Iranian election stuff, huh? Pretty crazy! Who did you vote for? I realize that’s kind of an uncouth thing to ask, but we’re friends. I thought about voting for Mousavi, but then decided to just stick with Nader, as usual. Change abhors a vacuum, and I’ve been sucked into enough swirling vortexes for one month, thank you very much.
How about you? Any swirling vortexes of late? Or do you have somebody to take care of that on your staff? I wish I had a staff. I could really use somebody to untie my shoes for me. Tying shoes, I’m great at. I can tie the high holy hell out of some shoes. I tie and tie, and tie. But when it comes time to take them off, what can you do with a knot that big? I prescribe to the Alexander the Great method of using a sword. Sometimes I use an electric turkey carver, cause it makes sounds and I can pretend I’m using a chainsaw. I’ve also tried a chainsaw. Once. Never again! Am I right? Anyway, I’m running out of laces, so having somebody dedicated to working those knots out for me would be great. What would you pay somebody to do that? And would you tip them when they’re done? Or would gratuity be added to the price already, like when I get a massage? Or am I supposed to tip at a massage parlor and my uncle lied to me?
So many questions! Please help me Mr. O’Reilly! You’re the only one I trust!
Sincerely,
Roboman
2009"

Apparently the Bryan Adams wasn’t enough. You’re good, O’Reilly. But I will break you yet.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“It was a good week for fish stories when a Florida man reeled in a live missile from waters used for weapons training by the Navy. The bomb squad that dismantled it said it could have exploded at any time.”
-“A California judge dismissed a lawsuit this week filed by a woman who said she had purchased Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries because she believed crunchberries were real fruit. She found, to her dismay, that they are brightly colored cereal balls.”
-“The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences has eliminated the category of ‘Best Polka Album’ from the Grammy Awards. The Academy says this was done ‘to ensure the awards process remains representative of the current musical landscape.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The fucking heat.
-Kind of tired of the steroids in baseball thing, what with all the Sammy Sosa talk today. It’s surely a big deal, but I don’t know that it needs to dominate the sports news cycle like it does every time a new name comes out. Especially since all the talk is basically the same talk every time, just with a new name added to the rehashing of the story that’s been going on and on. Done to fucking death. On a related note, though, do I remember correctly that the big congressional hearing in 2005 happened on St. Patrick’s Day? I have a vague memory of watching McGwire’s testimony several beers in that day. Does anybody else remember?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Working on the Victor Show. She’s comin’ on strong like Donkey Kong with a stiff one. You have been warned.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Seeing a dude downtown who looked like Corey Feldman circa Lost Boys.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Are there any Kurt Vonnegut books you haven’t read? Sincerely, I Vonna know.”
-Well, I haven’t read Armageddon in Retrospect, which is the book of previously unpublished bits his son put together that came out last year. And, as the Books Read This Week section very publicly attests, I have yet to finish reading Fates Worse Than Death. But everything else that he’s published in book form, I have read. Which is something like 20 books, I think. Love that guy. One of my all-time favorites. Can’t recommend him highly enough.

Speaking of things I can’t recommend highly enough, I mentioned this independently on the blog-thing last week, but I watched the shit out of Spaced, which was Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg (and others)’s British sit-com from 10ish years ago. It is awesome, which is why I mention it again, in the full-on version of the TWiN. Check out this fucking show. Great, great stuff.

Haven’t caught a movie lately. Need to rectify that. Probably going to see some Transformers action on Tuesday. Robots and explosions, how could I stay away? Read an interview with Megan Fox in EW titled “This Movie Really Isn’t About Acting,” which I thought was kind of ballsy on EW’s part. True, but ballsy.

That’s all. Got to try to do some sketch writing now.

See you next week.

–> N.

A couple things I forgot about when writing TWiN 3.23

These slipped my mind. Don't know why.

1) There's a game coming out for the Wii some time in the next year or so that I must have. I only know two things about it. 1) It's a Mr. T video game. And 2) He apparently fights Nazis in it. I want to go to there.

2) I've been watching Spaced, which is a sweet fucking show. It was a British show which was basically the first big thing Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) did. It's a wacky sitcom, but it's shot in this grungy kind of style with all these wild little asides thrown in. It's a quality fucking program. Check it out, especially if you like those movies.

That is all.

--> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 23

How great it is to be wrong. I thought it would be hot as fuck by now, but the weather is still delightful out. Rainy, but delightful. Hold strong, Earth! This week we’ve got the return of out-of-context quotes, a romantic stepping up of my O’Reilly correspondence, a private eye afraid of fish and a questioning of my numerical ethics.

Birthday shout-out to Molly, belatedly. I dropped the shout-out bomb on the blog last week, as well, but Molly’s awesomeness deserves the full TWiN shout-out treatment.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I actually read a couple pages this week, but it was all too little, too late, I fear.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I have not been this angry at scientists since they came out with Apple Raspberry Fun Dip. Strawberry Grape, like Jesus intended!” (This was an old one I’d jotted down and forgot about)
--“He makes love like an eagle falling out of the sky.”
--“Whenever I talk about Michelle Obama it always turns to butt sex.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
When it's love you give
(I'll be a man of good faith.)
Then in love you live
(I'll make a stand. I won't break.)
I'll be the rock you can build on
Be there when you're old
To have and to hold

When there's love inside
(I swear I'll always be strong.)
Then there's a reason why
(I'll prove to you we belong.)
I'll be the wall that protects you
From the wind and the rain
From the hurt and pain

Let's make it all for one and all for love
Let the one you hold be the one you want
The one you need
'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all
When there's someone that should know
Then just let your feelings show
And make it all for one and all for love
When it's love you make
(I'll be the fire in your night.)
Then it's love you take
(I will defend, I will fight.)
I'll be there when you need me
When honor's at stake
This vow I will make

That it's all for one and all for love
Let the one be the one you want
The one you need
'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all
When there's someone that should know
Then just let your feelings show
And make it all for one and all for love

Don't lay our love to rest
'Cause we could stand up to you test
We got everything and more than we had planned
More than the rivers that run the land
We've got it all in our hands

Now it's all for one and all for love
(It's all for love.)
Let the one you hold be the one you want
The one you need
'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all
(It's one for all.)
When there's someone that should know
Then just let your feelings show
When there's someone that you want
When there's someone that you need
Let's make it all, all for one and all for love
Sincerely,
Roboman
8 June 2009"

Try to remain silent now, O’Reilly. I dare you.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The federal government mistakenly posted on the Internet a ‘highly confidential’ 266-page report on the nation’s nuclear plants, weapons labs, and nuclear-storage sites, with specific locations and details on what can be found there.” (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!)
-“The Rev. Alberto Cutie, the hunky Miami Beach celebrity priest who caused an uproar when he was photographed on the beach smooching a woman in a bikini, announced this week with his girlfriend at his side that he was quitting the Catholic Church and joining the Episcopalians, who will let him canoodle all he likes.” (I really hope that’s how he phrased it.)
-“A New York man is suing Bumble Bee Tuna for $100,000, claiming he found a bone in his tuna. Private investigator Robert McKenna, 57, says he choked for more than a minute on the 1½-inch bone, and while there was no long-term physical damage, he says the incident ended his lifelong love affair with sandwiches made from the tasty, omega-3-rich fish. ‘I can’t even be near tuna now,’ says McKenna. ‘Like a Fish Fillet sandwich? Forget it.’” (1) sack up, 2) I don’t think they make the Fish Fillet out of tuna, and 3) sack up)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Construction on 9th street! It makes getting downtown a much bigger pain in the ass than it should be. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Had the first Victor writer’s meeting. Drank some beers and talked about the funny. Got the ball rolling. Good stuff. July 17th and 18th is the Victor Show, by the by. Mark the shit out of your calendars. There’s also an earlier, friends only final dress show on Thursday. Keep it in mind if you can’t stay out late or make Friday or Saturday. If that’s the case, I can give you the details closer to time.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-I’m pretty sure Kitty Willie-walked last night. What’s up with that?

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Do your ‘volume’ and ‘number’ really mean anything? Or is it just pretentious blather?
Sincerely,
I’ve got your ‘number.’”
-They do mean something, actually. The volume is the year of the TWiN. I started in 2007, so 2009 is volume 3. And the number roughly corresponds to the week in question. That’s why the very first one was something like 35, as opposed to 1, and why sometimes, when I miss a week (which has happened), the following one will have two numbers. There’s also a secret count I keep of how many of these I’ve done, which is where the whole anniversary thing fits in occasionally. For instance, this is the 87th TWiN. Pretentious? Perhaps. But blather? Not at all. Well, no more than the rest of TWiN, anyway.

Sure, a third of this TWiN was song lyrics, but I’m approaching three pages, so I’m calling it quits. Besides, it’s coming to you on Wednesday, so go me.

See you next week.

–> N.

Happy birthday Molly!

I also forgot to give Molly the birthday shout-out treatment last TWiN. And her birthday is tomorrow. So I'm doing it now, to save face.

Birthday shout-out to Molly!

Done and done.

I need this shirt!

This should have gone in TWiN, but I read Neauty's email about it after.

Go here, and be sure to read the reviews.


http://www.amazon.com/Three-T-Shirt-Available-Various-Sizes/dp/B000NZW3IY

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 22

Goddamn I love this weather! I wish it would stay this way for months. But I’m guessing 90s are right around the corner. This week we’ve got thank you’s, praise for hotdogs, the gathering apocalypse in Texas, the stupidest thing I’ve heard in months and the ravages of war.

Birthday shout-out belatedly to Stick, who apparently has the same birthday as I do.

Big shout-out to all who attended the Nelson’s 30th birthday action. That shit was powerful good times. Super deluxe big dog shout-out to Molly and Gary for traveling halfway across the country and surprising the shit out of me with their attendance. That was fucking cool. Thanks everybody! Also, in a related update, Spider-man is getting really big now. I may need to find a bigger container to keep him in.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I may need to change this segment to Books I’m not reading this week. Seriously, I haven’t read in weeks now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I may have to consult my doctor and see if there’s a pill I can take.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
-Okay, I know funny things were said during the birthday festivities, but I wrote nothing down. I have failed you. My apologies.

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
So, still no word from you about doing a show about me for my birthday. That’s cool. I know you’re a busy man. At least, I hope that’s the reason. I hope it isn’t that you have something against hotdogs. Cause hotdogs, man, that’s baseball, and America, and the flag, and babies. That would not be cool. The terrorists hate us for our hotdogs. Don’t let the terrorists win, sir. God has blessed you with a mighty forum with which to sing the praises of hotdogs across these great 49 states of ours (Missouri doesn’t count as great). You don’t need to do a show about me. But you do need to do a show about hotdogs. Because, I’m just one man. But hotdogs are all of us. “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Jesus said that before he died and was resurrected on the Genesis planet. Don’t let that sacrifice be in vain.
And do feel free to contact me about content for your forthcoming hotdog show. I’d like to think of myself as something of an amateur enthusiast. I wanted to major in hotdogs in college, but I couldn’t get into the prestigious Academy of Hotdog Education. It’s so political, as I’m sure you know. Still, I’d like to think I’ve learned as much as I could without the benefit of the guidance of the hotdog masters.
So please, do not hesitate to contact me. I am literally waiting by the computer.
God bless you, sir. And God bless hotdogs. And America, too. But mostly hotdogs.
Sincerely,
Roboman
4 June 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“It was a good week for heteropaternal superfecundation with Mia Washington of Texas entering the biology textbooks because a DNA test revealed that her 11-month-old twins have different fathers. She admitted to have been sleeping with two men when they were conceived.”
-“A Texas couple bore witness to a miracle this week when they reportedly found a Cheetos cheese snack that bears an incredible resemblance to Jesus. Dan and Sara Bell said they will see what they can get for ‘Cheesus’ on eBay. ‘If it’s only 25 cents, we’re just going to eat it,’ said Dan.” (Eat of this, for it is my body. Seriously, Texas is bringing it this week. Twins born of different fathers and Cheeto-Jesus? Is this a sign?)
-“A Massachusetts man was ticketed for driving erratically while eating a bowl of cereal on his lap. He explained that he was hungry.” (Your shit’s weak, Massachusetts. If this had happened in Texas, the milk would have turned to wine. Or goat’s blood. Step your game up!)
-“Doping officials showed up to do steroid tests at the Belgian bodybuilding championship this week and all 20 muscled competitors grabbed their gear and ran out the door. ‘I have never seen anything like it,’ said doping official Hans Cooman.” (I thought this was funny, but doubly funny for “doping official Hans Cooman.”)
-“Men never change. The latest proof of this truism comes courtesy of a sculpture made from the ivory of a woolly mammoth tusk that may be the oldest piece of art ever discovered— an erotic sculpture of a voluptuous woman from 35,000 years ago. The small ivory sculpture dates to an era in which humans first began to settle in Europe, and depicts a woman with giant breasts, open legs, and a detailed vulva. ‘It’s sexually exaggerated to the point of being pornographic,’ says British anthropologist Paul Mellars. ‘There was all this sexual symbolism bubbling up in that period. They were sex-mad.’”
-“Residents of Butt Hole Road, in South Yorkshire, U.K., finally tired of the jokes and the busloads of American tourists snapping photos of the street sign this week and changed the street’s name to the more respectable Archers Way.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The news that they’re making a remake of Red Dawn. First of all, why? Second of all, how? Third of all, WHY? That’s like making a remake of Rocky 4. Fucking stupidest thing I’ve heard in months.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Conan’s Tonight Show. I’ve been watching that shit. It’s solid. I’ve always loved me some Conan, and it’s nice to have Andy Richter back on there. I’ve decided to watch it this summer, since there’s not much other TV to watch. You know, show my support. I’d like to think Conan can feel me watching. In fact, I know he can.
-Getting to see the last few episodes of Pushing Daisies. Although, it’s bittersweet having had to wait this long and being reminded that the show was canceled.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Running into Roady and Stu’s ex-girlfriend Olivia on Saturday, who I hadn’t seen in 10 years, and the fact that she came with Ashley’s old roommates. That was cool, but really fucking odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, did you do the Humpty Dance when Chris called on people to do it? Were you any good?”
-Mercifully, I was not called upon to serve. Because, sadly, I lost my Humpty Hump in the war. We all lost so many things. Perhaps I was one of the lucky ones. I had a buddy we called Tex (cause he was from Rhode Island, naturally), who lost both his Running Man and his Bartman. And he can only Cabbage Patch with extreme pain now. Damn that war!

Saw the Land of the Lost movie. Pretty funny shit. I totally enjoyed that. I want to see The Hangover, too, but I can’t make the screening. Hopefully I can get out to it sometime soon. Anyway, Land of the Lost has my approval. Take that as you will.

That’s all for now. Sorry it was running so late. Again. I was still recovering a little from Saturday and Monday night’s awesomeness, I guess.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 21

Hey, it’s my birthday, so I’m being insane lazy this week. This week we’ve got my birthday. What else do you need?

Birthday shout-out to me! 30 years old up in this come Monday. Go me!

And on that note . . . Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party! This Saturday! May 30th! Gaus and Emily’s House at 5:00 for hot, BBQ action (please RSVP for that phase)! Harbour Lights at 8:30 for drinking! Eventually the Pig for more drinking, probably around midnight! BE THERE!
I’m also thinking about doing a little something on Monday (June 1st), my actual birthday, maybe a little dinner and then drinks at the Pig. No big deal. I’ll let you know about that on Saturday. So be there!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Another week with zero reading. I’m going for a record.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--You know what, either nothing was funny this week, or I was too lazy, or too drunk to jot it down, cause I’ve got nothing. My favorite thing quote-wise, though, was Chris Shaw doing the Humpty Dance at karaoke, and during the point where he’s calling on people to do the Humpty Hump (“Matt Gaus, do the Humpty Hump,” etc.) he screamed at Andy Morton with such passion to do the Humpty Hump that I almost shit my pants. If I could reproduce it here, I would.

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Hey! It’s my birthday! I haven’t gotten a card from you yet, so I thought I’d mention it. You should do a special birthday show about me, because I’m an American hero!
Here’s a short list of my exploits:
1) I can eat hot dogs like the wind!
2) I know how to read.
3) One time I fought Darth Vader and he totally cut my hand off, but I still wouldn’t turn to the dark side, cause that’s not cool.
4) I really like eating hot dogs.
5) I don’t objectify women unless they’re REALLY hot. Then it’s game on, my friend.
6) I know how to swim.
7) I don’t swim until at least 30 minutes after I’ve eaten hot dogs.
8) I know how to read.
9) I don’t repeat myself.
10) Hot dogs are delicious.
11) I’m $AWESOME!$!!!$! Three dollar signs!
So, please feel free to contact me about being featured on your show.
I eagerly await your correspondence.
Sincerely,
Roboman
28 May 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Yeah, nothing here either. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Allergies! The weather has turned and it’s making my sinuses mad. Also, the warmer weather is causing increased shedding which has led to increased hairball production amongst my cats. Boo-urns, nature! Boo-urns indeed!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Birthday presents! I got some free comics from Sam and a sweet book from Hilary.
-Me kicking ass and taking ass in my fantasy baseball league. I just robbed Seth Bailey of his manhood last week. Go baseball!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Nothing, really. Except maybe for Roady’s hat. I’d explain, but like the Humpty Dance, I think you had to be there.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--You ask nothing, I answer nothing. That’s how the game works.

Been playing some Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2 lately. Doin’ some hardcore Jedi shit. Lightsaber like a motherfucker. I likes that game.

And that’s it. Like I said, this week’s themes= my birthday and me being lazy. Next week we will resume my regular level of slight laziness.

See you next week.

–> N.

Nelson's 30th Birthday!

Plans are now concrete! Here they be!

On Saturday, May 31st!

5:00pm- BBQ at Gaus and Emily's house! Meat, beer, etc.! Please let me and/or Gaus/Emily know if you'll be attending this portion so proper meat/beer levels can be planned!

8:30pm- Harbour Lights! Alcohol!

Midnightish- The Pig! More alcohol!

2:00am- ???????!

Be there!

So many exclamation points!

--> N.

PS- Presents are not expected or required and may be best received in the form of alcohol or your physical presence.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 20

All right, no time to fuck around. This is a long one, so let’s get into it. This week we’ve got a birthday party reminder, two diatribes, a new use for cat’s pee, a good name for a video game, Amish people getting down, Fundamentalist Baptists not getting down, and a fuck you to James Monroe.

Birthday shout-out to Rich! For those that don’t know him, Rich is one of the mighty cogs in the Victor Continental production machine. He’s also good people. Salt of the Earth. Go Rich!

Speaking of birthdays . . . Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party update! It’s coming soon! Saturday, May 30th! Harbour Lights at 8:30! Drinking! Eventually the Pig for more drinking! Dinner will be eaten at 6:30. Not sure where yet. If you want to get your eat on, let me know and I’ll tell you where when I decide. If not, I’ll see you at the beers! Be there! BE THERE!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Yeah, reading. I knew I forgot something.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I had to deny ever being friends with him.”
“Just like Peter did to Jesus in Science class.”
--“I’ve changed into a bad-ass adult! I have a wolf dog! And I have two bad knees! And I have a gun! That I lost!”
--“You couldn’t even get an ankle wet in me.”
“Yes, but I so desperately want to.”
--“You’ve never dug a trough around anything you’ve owned!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What are your thoughts on peanut butter? Awesome, or the most awesome? Smooth or creamy? On a sandwich? On ice cream? On pancakes? On a burger? On a lady?
I love peanut butter. I LOVE IT! I wouldn’t marry it, though. Cause that’s a slippery slope. What would be next? Marrying jelly? Well, okay, fine. Jelly is really good, too. But marrying mayonnaise? That’s gross!
Did you know that some people dip freedom fries in mayonnaise? What’s wrong with those people? We should invade those countries and export proper American ideals of eating fries. If we won’t, who will? Boo to the Monroe Doctrine, I say. Boo!
But, seriously, you should do a show about peanut butter.
Sincerely,
Roboman
20 May 2009"

Still no reply from last week’s email. That’s cool. I’ve got nothing but time, O’Reilly.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Parvin Jannati of Alton, NH, thought she lost everything when a fire destroyed her home in October. But last week, during a town cleanup, Arie Johnston, 10, discovered a burned backpack containing $8,160 in cash across the street from the scene of the blaze. He promptly returned it. Police theorize that the parcel was thrown clear of the house by a powerful stream of water spurting from a fireman’s hose. Jannati’s family said they plan to reward Johnston for his honesty. ‘I hope my kids do the same thing,’ said her sister, Parvaneh Anderson.” (That’s a nice story. But it made me wonder why she had a backpack full of cash in her place. Was the fire caused by a meth lab explosion?)
-“Hospitals in the Houston area are preparing for a 25 percent surge in births nine months after Hurrican Ike knocked out power for days. ‘You can only do so much when there’s no television, nothing open, and there’s nowhere to go,’ said obstetrician Rakhi Dimino, who is eight months pregnant.” (My apologies to Chad and Ryan for including this story.)
-“A six-year, $12 million scientific study identified the flavors in New Zealand’s signature Sauvignon Blanc as a combination of passion fruit, asparagus, and cat’s pee. ‘If you had a whole lot of cat’s pee it obviously wouldn’t be great,’ said researcher Sue Blackmore. ‘It’s amazing what a little can do.’” (So, if I get some passion fruit and asparagus, I’m sitting on a gold mine?)
-“An Ohio teenager was suspended from his fundamentalist Baptist school for taking his public school girlfriend to her senior prom. ‘It was worth it,’ said Tyler Frost, who violated a school contract against dancing and rock music.” (Damn it, people! Did Kevin Bacon teach us nothing!?)
-“Police in rural New York ticketed a 17-year-old Amish boy this week for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy.” (Well played, Amish.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-ESPN talking about Michael Vick ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I love sports. I love ESPN. But whenever there’s a story that is bigger than a single game, they get obsessed with it like a monkey who just figured out how to masturbate. “Will Michael Vick get to play in the NFL again? Should he?” He’s still under home confinement for two more months. This isn’t even a story for TWO MORE MONTHS. Fucksake. Still, I’m just gonna say it, no he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t be allowed back into the NFL. Should he get out of prison? Sure. He did the time he was sentenced to, he should get to go free and move on. That’s the justice system. Maybe he should have had to spend more time in there, but at this time that’s how things are. But playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. And the man made it to step two out of three for being a serial killer. Step one, of course, being your mother flushing the parts of you that would have made a legitimate human being down the toilet when she shat you out, and step two being torturing animals to death. That just leaves step three: torturing humans to death. He is closer to being a serial killer than I am to being thirty years old (please refer back to Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party Update). You know what, he can play in the NFL again, but he has to donate every cent he makes a year above 30K to the ASPCA, and Pete Rose gets to be the Commissioner of Baseball. Seriously, what is wrong with American prisons? How was this waste of sperm and egg not raped to death in the showers? Apparently Oz was less than accurate. Ernie Hudson, you’ve failed me for the last time!
-I’m not really tired of or mad at this, but I picked up the latest Yeah Yeah Yeahs album and was less than impressed. It’s like they made a whole album out of songs that sound like Maps, but none of the songs are as good as Maps. Kind of a neutered feel to the whole thing. Kind of bland.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Chuck and Dollhouse getting renewed! Granted, for only 13 episode seasons, but 13 pieces of goodness are better than 0 pieces of goodness. That’s just science.
-Connor Oberst’s new album. Good stuff. He even kind of mixes up the sound a little more from song to song than he normally does, which was fun. Like that kid.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-How angry I got writing that Michael Vick thing. Cause it’s one thing to joke about prison rape. I was being serious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Damnit, where’s my TWIN?!?!?!??!!? What, am I supposed to work today?”
-Here it is! And, no. God, no. No, no, no. No.

I’ve been playing a lot of Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass on the DS lately. That’s a sweet little game. Using a stylus is a little odd. But it’s cool being able to draw whatever path you want the boomerang to take. And it’s nice being able to point where you want to throw or shoot things. I just wish you could also jump vertically, not only horizontally. Still, it’s sweet, sweet Zelda action. Fucking puzzles and swords and yeah! They should call the next one that. The Legend of Zelda: Fucking Puzzles and Swords and Yeah! Get to work, Nintendo!

I saw the new Terminator last night. It was all right. There was some good action. I think it looked really good. Maybe a little too Road Warrior here and there, but there were some pretty good shots in there. Some playing around with extended action single shots. But that script was rough. I had three main problems, none of which gives a lot away, but if you’re worried about knowing too much, skip over point 3.
1) They should never have shown in the previews that the one dude was actually a Terminator. Cause it’s not like that was the selling point of the movie. All-out fucking robot war is the selling point of the movie. And knowing from the get-go that the dude is actually a Terminator undercuts the majority of the dramatic tension of the first half of the movie. That would be a sweet fucking reveal. As it was, not so much.
2) I could have honestly used more all-out fucking robot war. There’s no such thing as too much.
3) Skynet is a fucking Bond villain! They capture Kyle Reese and use him as bait to lure John Connor into a trap. Why don’t you just fucking kill Kyle Reese when he’s sitting helplessly in one of your prison cells? Because, if you do, John Connor doesn’t exist. That’s beyond a James Bond deathtrap. That’s like an old Adam West Batman fucking death trap. And not a Joker one. That’s like a Maxie Zeus death trap. I know Christian Bale is Batman now, but in the Dark Knight Heath Ledger didn’t try to kill him with a giant flyswatter or something retarded like that. I mean, isn’t that the machines’s plot in the first three movies, make it so John Connor doesn’t exist in their time? And sure, that doesn’t really work out for them those three times, but still, the guy’s future father is locked up in a prison cell in your headquarters. A headquarters that is hip-deep in Terminators. What more do you need? Do you need me to walk through the screen into movie world and hold him down for you? No, you want to take the most roundabout fucking way to get to your goal? Say you want a beer. And the beer isn’t a twist off, it needs a bottle opener. And you try to use the bottle opener, but that bottle cap is really on there, so even after three times it’s still on there. What do you do? You use the bottle opener again, right? You don’t go buy a new car, right? Still, it would have made more sense if Skynet just went and bought a new car. Jesus.

However, it was still so much better than Wolverine. Seriously, Wolverine fucking sucked.

All right, that’s more than enough Nelson for one week. I’m out of here.

See you next week.

–> N.

Two things:
1) Birthday shout-out to Margaret! I was unaware that her birthday is tomorrow when I wrote the TWiN.
2) I watched the G.I. Joe trailer. Why are the Joes wearing robot suits? What the fuck?
PS- my predictive text has learned the word fuck! Go science!

I'm not a doctor, but 12:30 in the morning seems like too late to see some people with their toddler in Dillons. Though, Nothing Compares 2 U is playing, so maybe all bets are off.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 19

Finals week! Which means soon the town will be many college kids lighter. It’s our time! Our time down here! This week we’ve got the return of Bill O’Reilly (kind of), fun with stereotypes, a dream of evil Shatner, the scourge of scream-singing, me actually reading a book again, a plea to Doc Brown to do a guy a solid and more mentions of semen than I’d normally care to include.

Birthday shout-out to nobody, I think. I’m pretty sure. Nobody I know about, anyway.

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

That’s right, I actually read this week! Suck it, books! I own you!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Really? You’re going to do the repressed Irish thing? Be Italian for, like, one second. ‘I’m Jack. I don’t know who-a my real father is. I’m so emotional I’m-a gonna smash these barrels.’”
--“Sorry about the whole murder-house thing. That was my bad.”
--“How about this: Time travel, right? Good so far? And? Yep: Reese fucking Witherspoon. And, wait for it: a quaint family-owned bakery . . . threatened by gay vampire developers. Booya!”

Here it is! My new, retooled O’Reilly segment! Worth the wait? Probably not! But enjoy!

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I like air conditioning. It keeps me cool in hot weather. I wish everybody could have air conditioning. Is that socialist? I hope not, because I’d rather be dead than red!
Did you know that the concept of air conditioning is known to have been applied in Ancient Rome, where aqueduct water was circulated through the walls of certain houses to cool them? Similar techniques in medieval Persia involved the use of cisterns and wind towers to cool buildings during the hot season. Modern air conditioning emerged from advances in chemistry during the 19th century, and the first large-scale electrical air conditioning was invented and used in 1902 by Willis Haviland Carrier. Now there’s a guy who knew how to be cool! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!
Do you like dragons?
Sincerely,
Roboman
12 May 2009"

These are actual emails I’m be sending to Bill O’Reilly on a weekly basis to the address in the back of his O’Reilly Factor for Kids book. Any replies received will also be included.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Saudi Arabia’s government said that it would consider banning marriage for girls under 18. The possible policy change follows an international outcry over news that an 8-year-old Saudi girl had been married to, and granted a divorce from, a man in his 50s.”
-“A survey this week found that French people spend more time sleeping and eating than do people in any other developed nation. The average Frenchman sleeps nine hours a day, and whiles away two hours a day over is meals.”
-“A racial-sensitivity pamphlet issued by the Delaware Department of Transportation has been accused of insensitivity. The pamphlet advises employees to avoid such ‘workplace faux pas’ as asking gay co-workers whether they’ve ‘thought about getting help’; offering black co-workers ‘chicken or watermelon’ for lunch; and asking Latino co-workers, ‘Can you help me out with my landscaping?’” (I want this pamphlet!)
-“A New York court has ruled that golfers are not legally required to shout ‘Fore!.’ Dr. Azad Anand lost an eye when a friend, Dr. Anoop Kapoor, struck him with a shanked shot in 2002. Anand sued Kapoor for damages, claiming he should have yelled the traditional golfers’ warning, but the state appellate court this week sided with Kapoor, ruling that the danger of getting hit is an ‘inherent risk of the game of golf.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Having to listen to that fucking kid scream-singing on American Idol when it runs a minute or two over into the beginning of Fringe. At least I won’t have to do it again this season. Kid bugs me. The whole show bugs me, but that kid takes it to a new level.
-Fucking Subway commercials. Your idea for a fun commercial is having people sing your jingle badly? What the fuck?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The new Star Trek movie. Cause it was a whole lot of fun. I recommend you go see it. Good times. If they can find a way to get Shatner in the next one, even better. My suggestion? Make Shatner a Khan-style villain. How much fun would evil Shatner be? Give him a goatee and fucking set him loose.
-textsfromlastnight.com. A collection of drunk texts. Funny stuff.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A couple guys on the back porch of the Pig repeatedly talking about semen to this chick who clearly isn’t enjoying the conversation.
-Saw a guy taking his young daughter for a walk and all he was wearing was a pair of pajama pants and a trucker hat. My only guess is he’s in a dance team and he left the shirt and shoes at home so we wouldn’t get served. (rimshot) Thank you. Thank you.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“If JJ Abrams and Joss Whedon come together for a collaboration, will it simply be the greatest piece of pop culture entertainment EVER or will I cream my pants and then die of ecstasy?”
-Very possibly both. If it ever happens, I’m going to have to not watch it with you. I don’t want to have to explain a semen-soaked dead body to the police. Again. I’ve got two strikes!

I was talking to Gaus and Emily yesterday about how there needs to be a Reign of Fire 2. But we want McConaughey in it, so there’s three possibilities. Either scene one is him cutting his way out of the dragon’s stomach. Or it’s a prequel. Or we Godfather 2 it with the past and present mojo. Let’s do this thing, Hollywood!

My dad was on the radio Tuesday morning. On that British guy on KLWN, Jeremy’s show. I’m not sure exactly why he was on there, I think to talk about what he does at the Dole, but I guess he was also talking about some stories from the old days and Jeremy ket trying to get him to say he was a spy. Whenever they update the website so his bit is online, I’ll let you know.

Has everybody heard about the proposed tax on soda to help fund health care? One quarter of one percent per ounce? You know what, I think that’s a fucking good idea. I also think we can add a little tax like that to candy, chips, all kinds of unhealthy, delicious stuff. Why the hell not? Because that shit is reasonable. A nickel more for a 20 ounce soda? Reasonable. Cause when they raise taxes on cigarettes (something else unhealthy and delicious), it’s like fifty cents for a pack of 20. And it funds whatever. I don’t even know what ut funds. But watching people get up in arms on TV about paying a fraction more for soda for a good cause, that’s kind of aggravating. And it adds up. Somebody getting cheaper diabetes medicine because you pay more for drinking sugary drinks or cancer surgery because I pay more to smoke a cigarette, that’s actually contributing to a system you may need to use for the same reason. It makes more sense than me having to help pay for some kid’s education because I smoke a cigarette. Which, sure, makes sense too, on a certain level. I don’t know. It just seems to me like a fair way to help pay for a needed service that’ll be difficult to fund, and at a negligible cost to consumers. Regardless, my point is: cigarettes are too fucking expensive! I would pay a quarter more for 20 ounces of soda if I could get a pack of cigarettes for under four dollars. Remember when cigarettes were 2 bucks a pack? And I mean the good kind, not fucking Sundance or GPC. A pack of Marlboros. 2 bucks. There’s been a couple times where I’ve been asked if I’d like to go back in time to high school, and I would, but only to stock up on cigarettes. Hypothetically, would it be fun to be that age again. Doc Brown hasn’t asked me to actually go back in time. But that would be a sweet way to stock up on smokes too. Doc Brown! If you read This Week in Nelson, pick my ass up! And bring the space train, not the De Lorean. I need room to haul some shit! Let’s do this thing!

Fuck it, I need a smoke. See you next week.

–> N.