This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 17

Yes, sir. Here we be. This is where the smiles happen. The smiles, and the lurching vertigo of deep sexual shame. This week we’ve got some stuff. No big deal.

Birthday shout-out to Jake! It was my parent’s anniversary, too, so go them!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I have found that I read novels and poetry fast, but short stories and essays slowly. I guess it’s because the ongoing narrative of a novel keeps my interest and poetry is generally fast to read, but I don’t know. The point is, I did very little reading this week. I’m feeling a little roundabout, I guess. Which is odd, because I hate roundabouts. Does that mean I hate myself? Hmmmm . . .

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Why are you letting Sam Kinison and an Indian lesbian ruin your wedding?”
--“I’m the dark lord of asses!”

It was a slow quote week. Or a lazy week for writing quotes down. Take your pick.

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-““It was a good week for Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, after Massachusetts officials admitted that some road signs for the popular fishing spot in Webster, Mass., were misspelled as Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamaugg. The signs will be corrected.”
-“An Idaho judge took order in the court to a new level this week when he had bailiffs use duct tape to cover the mouth of an unruly defendant.”
-“Daniel Duran, a Houston man who allegedly robbed a bank and stuffed the bundles of cash down his pants as he raced from the bank was taken to a hospital with second-degree burns in a sensitive area after the dye-packs exploded.” (Is it still only “allegedly when the stolen goods burn your junk?)
-“The National Geodesic Survey found that the Four Corners marker— where tens of thousands of visitors have had their picture taken standing simultaneously in Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah— is in the wrong place. The real Four Corners, officials said, is about two and a half miles west of the marker.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-God! Because all that rain flooded my place Monday morning. Eight different leaks. I had to miss work. I call bullshit on rain. Bullshit!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Breakfast foods! Ate some breakfast dinner on Tuesday night at the Ratzlaff house. Pancakes, biscuits and gravy, bacon and eggs. It was nearly an Averill’s folly, but for the lack of country fried steak.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-How much fun it was to watch Mike Golic get his legs and forearms waxed. Cause that was pretty cool. And he yelled out “pot roast,” one time, which really sold it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Why do genies always try to fuck with your wishes? I mean, they give you three wishes, but it’s never what you want.”
-Because genies never really listen when you talk to them. They’re kind of assholes. They’re just making it up as they go along. It’s cause they unionized back in 1321, and now they get paid no matter how much they fuck up. Djinnis, on the other hand, are usually pretty stand up guys. You can always trust a Djinni. Just don’t get into a relationship with them. They’re kind of clingy.

Gonna see that Wolverine movie tonight. I’ll let you know.

I started doing that Facebook thing. Feel free to seek me out and friend me up, if you like. Odds are I’ll say yes. I’ll say yes to most things.

Pour some liquor for Bea Arthur! God done called another angel home . . .

I hate to end on a sad note, but I’m doing it anyway. Deal with it.

See you next week.

–> N.