This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 19

Finals week! Which means soon the town will be many college kids lighter. It’s our time! Our time down here! This week we’ve got the return of Bill O’Reilly (kind of), fun with stereotypes, a dream of evil Shatner, the scourge of scream-singing, me actually reading a book again, a plea to Doc Brown to do a guy a solid and more mentions of semen than I’d normally care to include.

Birthday shout-out to nobody, I think. I’m pretty sure. Nobody I know about, anyway.

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

That’s right, I actually read this week! Suck it, books! I own you!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Really? You’re going to do the repressed Irish thing? Be Italian for, like, one second. ‘I’m Jack. I don’t know who-a my real father is. I’m so emotional I’m-a gonna smash these barrels.’”
--“Sorry about the whole murder-house thing. That was my bad.”
--“How about this: Time travel, right? Good so far? And? Yep: Reese fucking Witherspoon. And, wait for it: a quaint family-owned bakery . . . threatened by gay vampire developers. Booya!”

Here it is! My new, retooled O’Reilly segment! Worth the wait? Probably not! But enjoy!

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I like air conditioning. It keeps me cool in hot weather. I wish everybody could have air conditioning. Is that socialist? I hope not, because I’d rather be dead than red!
Did you know that the concept of air conditioning is known to have been applied in Ancient Rome, where aqueduct water was circulated through the walls of certain houses to cool them? Similar techniques in medieval Persia involved the use of cisterns and wind towers to cool buildings during the hot season. Modern air conditioning emerged from advances in chemistry during the 19th century, and the first large-scale electrical air conditioning was invented and used in 1902 by Willis Haviland Carrier. Now there’s a guy who knew how to be cool! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!
Do you like dragons?
Sincerely,
Roboman
12 May 2009"

These are actual emails I’m be sending to Bill O’Reilly on a weekly basis to the address in the back of his O’Reilly Factor for Kids book. Any replies received will also be included.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Saudi Arabia’s government said that it would consider banning marriage for girls under 18. The possible policy change follows an international outcry over news that an 8-year-old Saudi girl had been married to, and granted a divorce from, a man in his 50s.”
-“A survey this week found that French people spend more time sleeping and eating than do people in any other developed nation. The average Frenchman sleeps nine hours a day, and whiles away two hours a day over is meals.”
-“A racial-sensitivity pamphlet issued by the Delaware Department of Transportation has been accused of insensitivity. The pamphlet advises employees to avoid such ‘workplace faux pas’ as asking gay co-workers whether they’ve ‘thought about getting help’; offering black co-workers ‘chicken or watermelon’ for lunch; and asking Latino co-workers, ‘Can you help me out with my landscaping?’” (I want this pamphlet!)
-“A New York court has ruled that golfers are not legally required to shout ‘Fore!.’ Dr. Azad Anand lost an eye when a friend, Dr. Anoop Kapoor, struck him with a shanked shot in 2002. Anand sued Kapoor for damages, claiming he should have yelled the traditional golfers’ warning, but the state appellate court this week sided with Kapoor, ruling that the danger of getting hit is an ‘inherent risk of the game of golf.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Having to listen to that fucking kid scream-singing on American Idol when it runs a minute or two over into the beginning of Fringe. At least I won’t have to do it again this season. Kid bugs me. The whole show bugs me, but that kid takes it to a new level.
-Fucking Subway commercials. Your idea for a fun commercial is having people sing your jingle badly? What the fuck?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The new Star Trek movie. Cause it was a whole lot of fun. I recommend you go see it. Good times. If they can find a way to get Shatner in the next one, even better. My suggestion? Make Shatner a Khan-style villain. How much fun would evil Shatner be? Give him a goatee and fucking set him loose.
-textsfromlastnight.com. A collection of drunk texts. Funny stuff.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A couple guys on the back porch of the Pig repeatedly talking about semen to this chick who clearly isn’t enjoying the conversation.
-Saw a guy taking his young daughter for a walk and all he was wearing was a pair of pajama pants and a trucker hat. My only guess is he’s in a dance team and he left the shirt and shoes at home so we wouldn’t get served. (rimshot) Thank you. Thank you.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“If JJ Abrams and Joss Whedon come together for a collaboration, will it simply be the greatest piece of pop culture entertainment EVER or will I cream my pants and then die of ecstasy?”
-Very possibly both. If it ever happens, I’m going to have to not watch it with you. I don’t want to have to explain a semen-soaked dead body to the police. Again. I’ve got two strikes!

I was talking to Gaus and Emily yesterday about how there needs to be a Reign of Fire 2. But we want McConaughey in it, so there’s three possibilities. Either scene one is him cutting his way out of the dragon’s stomach. Or it’s a prequel. Or we Godfather 2 it with the past and present mojo. Let’s do this thing, Hollywood!

My dad was on the radio Tuesday morning. On that British guy on KLWN, Jeremy’s show. I’m not sure exactly why he was on there, I think to talk about what he does at the Dole, but I guess he was also talking about some stories from the old days and Jeremy ket trying to get him to say he was a spy. Whenever they update the website so his bit is online, I’ll let you know.

Has everybody heard about the proposed tax on soda to help fund health care? One quarter of one percent per ounce? You know what, I think that’s a fucking good idea. I also think we can add a little tax like that to candy, chips, all kinds of unhealthy, delicious stuff. Why the hell not? Because that shit is reasonable. A nickel more for a 20 ounce soda? Reasonable. Cause when they raise taxes on cigarettes (something else unhealthy and delicious), it’s like fifty cents for a pack of 20. And it funds whatever. I don’t even know what ut funds. But watching people get up in arms on TV about paying a fraction more for soda for a good cause, that’s kind of aggravating. And it adds up. Somebody getting cheaper diabetes medicine because you pay more for drinking sugary drinks or cancer surgery because I pay more to smoke a cigarette, that’s actually contributing to a system you may need to use for the same reason. It makes more sense than me having to help pay for some kid’s education because I smoke a cigarette. Which, sure, makes sense too, on a certain level. I don’t know. It just seems to me like a fair way to help pay for a needed service that’ll be difficult to fund, and at a negligible cost to consumers. Regardless, my point is: cigarettes are too fucking expensive! I would pay a quarter more for 20 ounces of soda if I could get a pack of cigarettes for under four dollars. Remember when cigarettes were 2 bucks a pack? And I mean the good kind, not fucking Sundance or GPC. A pack of Marlboros. 2 bucks. There’s been a couple times where I’ve been asked if I’d like to go back in time to high school, and I would, but only to stock up on cigarettes. Hypothetically, would it be fun to be that age again. Doc Brown hasn’t asked me to actually go back in time. But that would be a sweet way to stock up on smokes too. Doc Brown! If you read This Week in Nelson, pick my ass up! And bring the space train, not the De Lorean. I need room to haul some shit! Let’s do this thing!

Fuck it, I need a smoke. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 18

Man, it is full-on Spring up in this. I can tell, because the locks on my car don’t want to work, which is what happens in warm weather. For some reason. I hate it. Anyway, this week we’ve got Mexican drug cartel ethics, stripper-clowns, the best rickshaw ever, the second coming of the Royals, the insidious nature of Facebook, the suckitude of Wolverine, and the homoerotic-sounding physical prowess of an NBA star. Here it comes.

Birthday shout-out to Brad, belatedly! And to Trish! Double the birthdays! Double the intercourse nine months and twenty-something years ago! I know, I went too far, and for too little.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I actually read nothing this week, but if I had, it would have been these two books. Sigh. So lazy.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“You mean you don’t want to talk about my inflamed vagina?”
--“When I think party, I think strippers!”
“When I think party, I think clowns!”
(in unison:) “STRIPPER-CLOWNS!”
“That was the Reese’s of party ideas!”
--“He’s phenomenal at the rear naked choke . . . my chest cavity still hurts.” (I won’t say what this was about, but I will say that the aforementioned he is Shaq.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The leader of one Mexican drug cartel called ‘the Family’ has insisted that when gang members are not selling cocaine and murdering rivals, they should attend gang-run classes in ethics, values, and personal improvement, and should abstain from drugs and alcohol.”
-“The New York Post revealed that some trendy Manhattan restaurants are making up for a downturn in business by sneakily charging diners for bread, the butter to go with it, tap water, and the ice in drinks.” (Damn! They need to go take some Mexican drug cartel classes in ethics.)
-“As a cost-cutting measure, the U.S. Bureau of Prisons has been allowing prisoners to transfer themselves, unescorted, from one prison to another. Officials confirmed that some prisoners at minimum security facilities are given bus tickets and told to make the trip to the next prison on their own, and that some prisoners have seized the opportunity to escape. On the other hand, said spokeswoman Traci Billingsley, ‘the savings is substantial.’” (My only hope is these people are non-violent drug offenders. Seriously, though, that’s an insane test of will. Go back to prison or just keep going?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Not knowing whether several of the TV shows I watch are going to be back next year or not, yet.
-The Wolverine movie. Cause it sucked. More on that in a minute.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The Royals being a force to be reckoned with. It’s been over a month and we’re still leading the division, a division which looks pretty weak overall, and we have the best ace in the league right now? It’s early yet, but I think we may actually see the playoffs this year. And even if we don’t, we’ll at least be right in this thing till the end. How fucking cool is that? Now, if only they could figure out their hot dog problems.
-Reaper, again. The last episode had a bear, a gentleman’s gentleman being shot with a paintball gun, stripper-clowns, and a semi-religious movement which tangentially involves the song Jessie’s Girl. Great show. Too bad it probably won’t be back next year.
-Lost, again. Shit is really coming to a head on that motherfucker, I tell you what.
-The series finale of Scrubs. What a nice, touching way to wrap all that up. That whole future fantasy at the end was fucking heartwarming. However, I don’t like what I’m hearing about there maybe being another season with some of the stars in limited roles. You ended that thing right. It’s time to let go.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Odd, but AWESOME. I was driving to work recently and next to me on Iowa was a vehicle which defies imagination. It had a motorcycle base, and the front half was still a motorcycle. The back half had two wheels, a red velvet bench seat, and a red metal grate platform for storage which sat over an insane looking motor. And under the handlebars up front was a control panel with colored buttons and silver switches like the weapons controls to a 70's era James Bond car. Coolest! Rickshaw! Ever!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Why is ‘The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the Week’ still under construction? It’s becoming the Southwest Trafficway of This Week in Nelson. Could we at least get an idea of what’s to come? I’m mad.”
-Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about it. Something is either coming there, or if it doesn’t pan out, an explanation will be provided. Regardless, the Baker Wetlands only play a very small part on why construction is taking so long. Your wait is almost over.

Going to see the new Star Trek tonight. Hoping it’s at least a good time. Feeling like it’ll at least be better than Wolverine. Cause that sucked. Why did it suck? Here’s four reasons:
1) It was fucking ridiculous. They give him the metal bones, try to double-cross him, then they’re surprised when they can’t kill him after saying that they’ve made him indestructible. They send two cars and a helicopter after him, he kills those guys, and they’re like, “What? How?”And he doesn’t remember who he is because they shoot him in the head with bullets made of the same metal and explain that he’ll heal, but his memories won’t. What the fuck? And Cyclops is there, with all the other captured mutants, and his eyes are covered so he doesn’t see Wolverine save everybody, but then Professor X shows up (with ridiculous computer effects to make Patrick Stewart look younger) and takes all those mutants off to form the X-Men, but Cyclops is never like, “who was that guy with the claws?” Even when he meets Wolverine later, no one ever figures this out? And the evil plan is to make a super mutant killer with all kinds of powers, and they pull it off, but even though they pull it off they just drop this project? We’re supposed to think it’s fine that in the future the same bad guy has a plan that isn’t as good to kill mutants? It makes no fucking sense.
2) They did the move I hate of having flashbacks during the movie to things that happened in the movie without providing new information, even flashing back on shit that just happened not ten minutes ago. I know it happened. I’m watching the movie.
3) It was derivative as all hell. It was such a generic action movie with no real imagination. Ryan was sitting next to me, and he said “It’s just got all those shots you always see in an action movie. It’s like the kind of movie I would direct if I were directing an action movie. I’d be like, I’ve seen this before, let’s do this.” I’m paraphrasing him a bit, but what he said is 100% true.
4) This one is a little more of a comic book fan kind of complaint. I’ve always loved me some Wolverine. I’ve read a lot of him over the years. When you make a comic book movie, you have to tweak stuff around, condense stuff, do things to make stuff more cinematic. That’s legit. I don’t care when you fuck around with stuff to make a good movie. Some of these characters have been around for 30, 40 years, or more. But when you do weird, pointless stuff with characters to make a bad movie, it bugs me. And when you have easy openings to drop stuff in and don’t take it, it bugs me too. I won’t go on about that, I’ll just say it bugs me.
Now, it’s not all bad. I’ll admit it. There’s some decent action at points. And there’s some funny lines. And I kind of dug the opening credits montage of Wolverine and Sabretooth fighting in various wars. But honestly, that movie was C- at best. Just thoroughly fucking disappointing. And I hope Star Trek is better. I’ll let you know.

Slightly addicted to the Facebook lately. Checking it out a few times a day. Mostly because I have it on my phone, too. It’s fucking insidious. Though, it’s cool to be in touch with people. She’s a double-edged sword, I suppose. If you’re on it and we aren’t friends, find a brother.

Once again, we’ve lost another hero. Dom DeLuise, let flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. I’d still been holding out hope for another Cannonball Run. Now that dream is dead to me.

No one die this next week! I can’t take any more!

See you next week.

–> N.

Cote Smith is NOT poop.

Went and saw Cote read from his story Hurt People which was published in One Story (one-story.com). It was so much better than Wolverine it's almost unbelievable. CO-TE! CO-TE! CO-TE! CO-TE!

Wolverine was poop.

Saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine on Thursday, as I said I would, and that's my verdict. Poop. There's definitely worse movies. There's definitely worse comic book movies. But it's still bad. Badly directed. Badly written. Ridiculous at points. Nonsensical at others. There's some decent action and a couple funny lines, but overall? Poop. Disappointing poop. I heard someone leaving say "It's no Dark Knight." I'd say "It's no X-Men 3." I'd even say "It's no Superman Returns." If any of that tells you anything. If you can see it for free, go ahead, sure, but I can't reccommend spending money on it. Poop.

Just walked past the Granada and someone asked if my Owls are Assholes shirt was "some kind of anti-war thing?" What?

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 17

Yes, sir. Here we be. This is where the smiles happen. The smiles, and the lurching vertigo of deep sexual shame. This week we’ve got some stuff. No big deal.

Birthday shout-out to Jake! It was my parent’s anniversary, too, so go them!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I have found that I read novels and poetry fast, but short stories and essays slowly. I guess it’s because the ongoing narrative of a novel keeps my interest and poetry is generally fast to read, but I don’t know. The point is, I did very little reading this week. I’m feeling a little roundabout, I guess. Which is odd, because I hate roundabouts. Does that mean I hate myself? Hmmmm . . .

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Why are you letting Sam Kinison and an Indian lesbian ruin your wedding?”
--“I’m the dark lord of asses!”

It was a slow quote week. Or a lazy week for writing quotes down. Take your pick.

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-““It was a good week for Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, after Massachusetts officials admitted that some road signs for the popular fishing spot in Webster, Mass., were misspelled as Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamaugg. The signs will be corrected.”
-“An Idaho judge took order in the court to a new level this week when he had bailiffs use duct tape to cover the mouth of an unruly defendant.”
-“Daniel Duran, a Houston man who allegedly robbed a bank and stuffed the bundles of cash down his pants as he raced from the bank was taken to a hospital with second-degree burns in a sensitive area after the dye-packs exploded.” (Is it still only “allegedly when the stolen goods burn your junk?)
-“The National Geodesic Survey found that the Four Corners marker— where tens of thousands of visitors have had their picture taken standing simultaneously in Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah— is in the wrong place. The real Four Corners, officials said, is about two and a half miles west of the marker.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-God! Because all that rain flooded my place Monday morning. Eight different leaks. I had to miss work. I call bullshit on rain. Bullshit!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Breakfast foods! Ate some breakfast dinner on Tuesday night at the Ratzlaff house. Pancakes, biscuits and gravy, bacon and eggs. It was nearly an Averill’s folly, but for the lack of country fried steak.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-How much fun it was to watch Mike Golic get his legs and forearms waxed. Cause that was pretty cool. And he yelled out “pot roast,” one time, which really sold it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Why do genies always try to fuck with your wishes? I mean, they give you three wishes, but it’s never what you want.”
-Because genies never really listen when you talk to them. They’re kind of assholes. They’re just making it up as they go along. It’s cause they unionized back in 1321, and now they get paid no matter how much they fuck up. Djinnis, on the other hand, are usually pretty stand up guys. You can always trust a Djinni. Just don’t get into a relationship with them. They’re kind of clingy.

Gonna see that Wolverine movie tonight. I’ll let you know.

I started doing that Facebook thing. Feel free to seek me out and friend me up, if you like. Odds are I’ll say yes. I’ll say yes to most things.

Pour some liquor for Bea Arthur! God done called another angel home . . .

I hate to end on a sad note, but I’m doing it anyway. Deal with it.

See you next week.

–> N.

So, I'm at work, and I have a song stuck in my head. No big deal. The weird thing is, it's the song from the old SNL three-legged jeans commercial. How is that lodged in my brain to the point where it's been stuck on repeat for the last couple hours? So fucking strange.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 16

Greetings! Hello Spring! I’m wearing shorts! It’s delightful! Exclamation points! This week we’ve got an exciting book announcement, the good side of editing for television, coffee all up in my business, a new health threat, and how much to pay for a gay elephant.

Birthday shout-out to my uncle, Ned! Honest contractor! Protector of stray cats! Huzzah! And to Cole’s Dan (who’s last name I’m afraid to say I don’t know)! Whooo! Birthdays!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Started reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

So I read that Seth Grahame-Smith(the guy who wrote Pride and Prejudice and Zombies)’s next book is going to be Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. So excited! This man is my new hero!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I came to America as a girl, but because of you, I leave it as a woman who has discovered both her sexuality, and her ability to manage an extended-stay hotel.”
--“I’ve had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday-Friday plane!” (Snakes on a Plane, edited for TV, yet still almost as good)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Artyom Sidorkin of Russia went into surgery this week for what doctors believed was a large, malignant lung tumor. Doctors found and removed a 3-inch-tall fir tree growing in his lung. ‘I thought I was hallucinating,’ said the surgeon, who thinks Sidorkin must have inhaled a seed.” (He had a fucking tree growing inside his lung! That’s fucking crazy!)
-“If you love chocolate but are concerned about the calories, David Edwards, a Harvard biomedical engineer, has a treat for you. It’s ‘Le Whif,’ a lipstick-sized mini-inhaler that shoots a calorie-free chocolate mist into your mouth. The device grew out of Edwards’ research into a better way to deliver inhaled medicines; the price is about $2 for four puffs.”
-“Ninio, an elephant acquired by a Polish zoo, was denounced this week by a conservative politician for being uninterested in mating with the zoo’s females. ‘We didn’t pay 37 million zlotys to have a gay elephant,’ said Michael Grzes.” (I include this mostly for the quote.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Leaky coffee cups. My coffee today is mad leaky. Coffee everywhere. Coffee all up in my business. I say thee nay!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Switching from coffee to beer for purely hygienic reasons. I say thee yea!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-That tree lung can now be considered an actual medical condition.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Was Tracy Morgan in Crocodile Dundee 2?”
-No. No he was not.
--“How much should one pay for a gay elephant?”
-I would say no more than 27 million zlotys for a male, or 35 million for a female. Approximately. For an exact price, I would consult Berringer’s Price Guide for Homosexual Animals, published annually by Random House.

I’m gonna call things early this week on account of lazy. And the feeling that I topped out with gay elephants. How do you top gay elephants? The answer is very carefully, or not at all.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 15

Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. This week we’ve got my cats’s birthday, innuendo at the Pig, a new reason for Muslims to hate us, a hot dog dream deferred and tweener Spanish Fly.

Birthday shout-out to my cats! They turn two on Monday! They grow up so fast . . . After Easter, they are now both completely addicted to ham. Seriously, fucking love them some ham. You think you love ham? You don’t. Not like they love ham. It’s not possible. It’s just not.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth

I finished the Goodbye, Colombus part of the book, I just haven’t finished the accompanying short stories, yet. It’s Roth’s first book, and the book Michael Chabon read right before he wrote Mysteries of Pittsburgh, so I was interested to check it out. It’s good stuff, kind of a dissection of class amid a summer romance for young Jews in 50's Jersey. Honestly, I kind of thought it could have been longer, but at the same time it was probably the exact length it should have been. Good stuff. I need to read more Roth. I just do.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“This is perfect. Like, creepy perfect.”
“Mmmmm. Just like the way I french.”
--“That is the most offensive, yet skillfully acted black-face I have ever seen.”
--“The monkey is shocked because he told that bitch to get an abortion.”
--“He just kept ramming it into me, but I kept singing along to the song, trying to ignore it. And he didn’t say sorry afterwards, because he didn’t realize how much it hurt, but it really hurt.” (From a conversation on the porch at the Pig. It’s not what you think, but I’ll leave it at that.)
--“When people think of Jim Lehrer, they think sex.” (That is what you think.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A recession-battered New York City launched an ad campaign this week aimed at convincing gays and lesbians that a visit to the city is the equivalent of a Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca. The new ‘Rainbow Pilgrimage’ campaign, timed to the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots in Greewich Village, describes a visit to the city as ‘a rite of passage.’”
-I also read a brief article that drinking tea when it’s really hot increases the risk of esophageal cancer eightfold. So, let your tea cool! Yeah, I know, slow news week.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The 9th Street Kwik Shop always being out of Marlboro Lights lately. What’s up with that? It’s been two weeks. Maybe up your order next time. It’s kind of a popular brand, you know?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-That South Park last night. Cause it went from Pinewood Derby, to warp drive, to a space criminal with a 40's gangster voice, to space cops, to nuking Finland, and I’m a big fan of Randy, so hell yeah! That shit was crazy.
-I’d say something about the weather being nice, but then it would just go to hell again, so I’m not saying a damn thing.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Okay, this isn’t really odd, it’s just odd that I spent time thinking about it and checking dates on the internet. So, I’m amused by the Lebron James insurance commercial where he laughs at the guy who’s car got burglarized because he has a Kid N Play album, and in the end he does the dance with another dude. Today, though, I thought about it, and I realized, does Lebron James even know who Kid N Play are? Cause, he was like, eight years old when they were finishing up their careers. And that commercial loses something for me if someone had to teach him about the Kid N Play dance for the commercial. And then I felt old.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Do you like grilled cheese sandwiches?”
-Yes.

The Royals game was fucking good times. Got there nice and early and tailgated up a fucking storm. Much meat was eaten. Had some beer brauts made with Miller High Life. They were the champagne of beer brauts. I recommend them. Hilary made some sweet burgers and Emily rocked the veggies. Good stuff. And the stadium renovations were looking pretty good. The K is all fancified and electronic now. The only downside to the day was the game itself, because the Yankees totally spanked the Royals. And the crowd was fucking stupid with Yankees fans. Fucking Yankees. Also, much as it was with Jesus, Royals stadium betrayed me three times. First, I went out to smoke, and I went all the way over to the railing, where other people were smoking, and an employee told us we had to go all the way down and out to the outer fence to smoke. That’s fucking bullshit. We’re outside. We’re not in anybody’s way. Fucking discrimination. So I get in line to get a beer and a hot dog. I wait in line for ten minutes, and when I get up to the front, they shut the line down. Old woman behind me was ready to start beating motherfuckers down. So I just go grab a beer from the alcohol booth and go back to my seat. A couple innings later, I get back in line to get my beer and hot dog, and when I get up there, they’re out of hot dogs! Why does the K hate me? Still, all in all, I had a great time. Go Royals!

Observe and Report was pretty good. It was funny, but not hilarious, necessarily, though there were some pretty big laughs. It was kind of all over the place, but in some ways that was kind of fun because it was just different. It was something other than a lot of the movies you normally see. I would recommend it, but for those of you who pay to see movies, I wouldn’t necessarily tell you to run out and see it right now, in the theater.

On a side note, I haven’t seen the Hannah Montana movie (sorry), but apparently it’s pretty sexy because there were reports of a guy masturbating in it on Saturday night. So, if you want to spice up your relationship, I guess go see that movie.

See you next week, happy couples!

–> N.

PS- Getting caught having sex in the Hannah Montana movie would NOT be a good time to drop my name at the movie theater. Just FYI.

My Top 5 Comics

I love comic books. I am a comic book nerd, of sorts, and I read all kinds. I would consider myself knowledgeable on the subject. Anyway, I had a brief conversation with Avery about her and a friend of hers making lists of their top five comic books of all time, and decided I was going to make my own. I placed a couple caveats on myself when doing this. First, just to make things easier on myself, I decided to only pick one work per creator. I doubt that I would have chosen differently if I hadn’t, but it definitely made the decision process that much quicker and easier. Second, in keeping with Avery’s definition of the exercise, I only included in my judgment comic books that were actual serialized comic books, not graphic novels, even if they were now observed more as the latter due to their subsequent release as collected works. And finally, I decided that my choices had to be comic books that had completed their runs, so that they could be judged on the whole of their narratives as complete works.

So here they are, in a loose order, my top five comic books of all time, with a little something about them to help recommend them to you. I encourage you to read them all.

1) Preacher by, Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon
-My favorite comic of all time. I reread it every year or two. I named my cats after two of the main characters. Love it. All at once, it’s a modern day Western, a ridiculous buddy cop adventure, a twisted morality tale, an epic quest for redemption, a touching romance, and one of, if not the best, explorations into the meaning of what America is and what it means to be American in the last thirty to seventy-five years, and easily the best one ever written by an Irishman. It’s the story of an ass-kicking preacher named Jesse Custer, his gun-toting girlfriend Tulip, and Cassidy, a hard-living Irish vampire, on a quest to find a wayward God and take him to task, and all the insane misadventures they get into along the way. It also features one of the greatest villains, Herr Starr, who is a power hungry, mass-murdering psychopath, a righteous warrior for peace on Earth, and the unluckiest motherfucker who ever lived. Love it!

2) Transmetropolitan by, Warren Ellis and Darrick Robertson
-If Hunter S. Thompson’s alter ego Raoul Duke lived hundreds of years in the future, he would be Spider Jerusalem, the insane, violent, drug-addled outlaw journalist who is the last voice of truth in a world gone mad with commercialization, corporate ubiquity and misguided personal freedom, and which is under the thumb of a government which secretly has no sense of compassion or social responsibility. A wild romp of a read that walks a tight-rope between wacky comedy and deadly political maneuvering.

3) Y: The Last Man by, Brian K. Vaughan and Pia Guerra
- A plague has wiped out every human and simian male on the planet except for amateur escape artist Yorick Brown and his pet helper monkey Ampersand. With the help of a hard-core secret agent and a scientist who’s research is somehow connected to the plague, he sets out on a quest to find a cure, his missing girlfriend and a way to keep hope alive in a world teetering on the brink with no hope in sight.

4) Watchmen by, Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons
-Inescapable on a list such as this, it’s heralded as the pinnacle of comics and the point at which the medium became a place for adult appreciation and an exploration of deeper themes and more mature subject matter. It’s that, definitely, but it’s also a dense and intricate narrative, an attack against Cold War politics from the heart of the conflict, an excellent story of intrigue and personal conflict, and an exploration of both the impact that actual costumed heroes would have in the real world and what the truth of peace, justice and morality really is. And it’s accomplished in only twelve issues, which feel as weighty as one hundred but read with the pace and excitement of three. A must read for everyone.

5) (two-way tie) Sandman by, Neil Gaiman (with various artists) and Lucifer by, Mike Carey (with various artists)
-I couldn’t choose between these two because I love them both and can’t decide honestly which one I prefer, and because they are intrinsically linked. Both these books are connected by the character of Lucifer (the Devil), as a supporting character in Gaiman’s story and as the lead in Carey’s, and both are tightly woven yet sprawling narratives of the interaction between a mystical world with epic mythical characters and their interaction with our own ordinary world and the select individuals from it who get caught up in the action. In Sandman, the story centers on Dream, the immortal physical embodiment of dreaming, and his attempt to discover who he is now and reconcile the wrongs of his past after experiencing a life-experience. Lucifer is a Nietzschean exploration of will against predestination and of the struggle between responsibility and convenience. Both of them are great, and when put together create an even greater whole than the sum of their parts.

That’s my list. Read them, know them, love them.

Thank you for allowing me to indulge in this distraction.

–> N.

Color Me Badd?

Has anyone listened to the song I Wanna Sex You Up lately? Cause I did, and those lyrics are a lot stanger than I remember. "We can do it till we both wake up"? What's that mean? Don't get me wrong, it's still an epic slow jam, but it just don't make no sense.

British Poetry

Willie sent me this link to the website of an odd British poet.

His stuff's pretty fun, especially the poem this link goes to:

http://www.timkey.co.uk/index.php?paged=2

Check it out.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 14

SO WINDY TODAY! Good for traveling by sail across the ocean. Less good for writing This Week in Nelson. So let’s get moving. This week we’ve got zombies, zombies, zombies! Plus, a birthday wish granted, a satisfying visit to Guantanamo Bay, a more satisfying trip to the car wash, the hazards of having fur, and the hazards of having foreskin.

Birthday shout-out to the Easter Bunny! Or Jesus? How come you never see them both in the same room? Could they be the same person? Of course not! Jesus wears glasses. The Easter Bunny doesn’t wear glasses. It’s impossible. Besides, if they were the same person, Lois Lane would surely be able to tell. She’s a world-class reporter. No, they’re totally different people. I feel like a fool for even suggesting otherwise.

Books read this week:
-Radi Os by, Ronald Johnson
-Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by, Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith
-Started reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is the shit! It’s totally just the book Pride and Prejudice, but pared down a bit, plus there’s a zombie epidemic in England that’s been going on for fifty years as the book starts, and the Bennett sisters have all been trained in Shaolin Kung Fu to combat the undead menace. So it’s so much more awesome than the regular version. Also, Mr. Darcy keeps making surreptitious ball jokes to Elizabeth, which is honestly stranger than all the zombie mayhem. Seriously, though, I can’t recommend this book highly enough. As it says on the back cover, it “takes a masterpiece of world literature and turns it into something you might actually want to read.” If you like zombies and/or comedies of manners, read this book! It makes me want to see more classic literature get the zombie treatment. Like A Tale of Two Cities and Zombies. Or War and Peace and Zombies. Or The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombies. Or Romeo and Juliet and Zombies. Or The Canterbury Tales and Zombies. Or The Communist Manifesto and Zombies. The possibilities are endless!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“They set off together, armed only with their ankle daggers. Muskets and Katana swords were a more effective means of protecting one’s self, but they were considered unladylike; and, having no saddle in which to conceal them, the three sisters yielded to modesty.”
--“I know of nobody that is coming, I am sure, unless Charlotte Lucas should happen to call in— and I am sure my dinners are good enough for her, since she is an unmarried woman of seven-and-twenty, and as such should expect little more than a crust of bread washed down with a cup of loneliness.”
--“She remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to him. ‘Your balls, Mr. Darcy?’ He reached out and closed her hand around them, and offered, ‘They belong to you, Miss Bennett.’ Upon this, their colour changed, and they were forced to look away from one another, lest they laugh.”
--“Okay, so you’re Genghis Khan, but you also really need this job.” (Best director’s note ever!)
--“I tell you what, if you give him a free release, and he can get behind you, he can do some real damage.” (Best Madden 09 commentary ever! John Madden, you rogue!)
--“Somehow we have to recapture that love, the innocence and tender beauty of autoerotic-asphyxiation.”
--“Robyn is totally embarrassed to be my boyfriend right now.” (That last one was drunk Mick, calling me on his birthday. Your birthday wish of being quoted in This Week in Nelson, Mick? Granted. And for those that don’t know, it’s funny because Robyn is a girl.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Miss Universe paid a visit to Guantanamo Bay military base this week and declared it ‘a loooot of fun!’ After seeing the detainee camps and recreation areas, Dayana Mendoza of Venezuala said, ‘I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.’”
-“It was a bad week for having God as your co-pilot, after a Tunisian pilot was sentenced to 10 years in prison because he paused to pray instead of taking emergency measures before crash-landing his plane, killing 16 people.”
-“An Iowa 13-year-old was arrested this week for biting 11 kids at his school. His father said he meant no harm, but was obsessed with the vampire movie Twilight.”
-“A Connecticut middle school has banned all physical contact between students. The ban came, say officials at East Shore Middle School, after a student was hospitalized following a blow to the groin. From now on, principal Catherine Williams wrote to parents, students may not touch each other in any way; the possible penalties including expulsion. ‘What if they are out at the playground at recess, or in gym class?’ said parent Kathy Casey. ‘You know, gym class is physical.’” (Recess at middle school?)
-“A Michigan man has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for having sex with a car-wash vacuum cleaner. Jason Savage, 29, pleaded no contest to charges of indecent exposure after being caught in flagrante with the vacuum. Saginaw County Judge Fred Borchard told Savage that he should be ashamed for making Saginaw a national laughingstock. ‘I believe you owe the community an apology for what you’ve done,’ Borchard said during sentencing.” (Come on, did you see how that car-wash vacuum cleaner was dressed? Your honor, you know you would have hit that!)
-Two bits of science news I read: 1) Two separate groups of scientists using the same process have claimed to have produced energy from a fusion reaction in their labs, though there’s some disagreement in the scientific community as to their findings. And 2) a study in Uganda revealed that uncircumsised men are 25% more likely to contract herpes, 35% more likely to contract HPV, and 60% more likely to contract AIDS. Damn! Apparently Jewish God was onto something!

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Myself. And God. And nature. My cat, Cassidy, he has the long hair. And consequently he’ll get matted hair under/behind his legs. Because long hair, and he’s crazy active, and you can brush a cat, but you can’t really brush the undercarraige. So, he gets matted chunks of hair, and I have to trim them out. And it’s an arduous process, because you have to go slow, making small cuts, watch for the skin where it’s close, letting him go when he freaks out too much, then picking him back up to keep going, over and over, over the course of a few days, and he hates it, and he looks at you like, Why!? Why are you doing this to me! I hate it! And I’m none too pleased with you either! Luckily, he’s such a good natured little guy that as soon as you let him go, he completely forgives you, and he’s ready to be petted again and play. But damn, the trimming process, she’s a bitch. I’m just glad his sister, Custer, has short hair, because, while generally a real sweetheart, she’d be nowhere near as accommodating or forgiving if she needed trimmed.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Dollhouse. That show’s really starting to hit a stride. And two weeks ago it was finally seriously funny. In retrospect, a Whedon show always takes a little while at first to cement its mythology and get some momentum, and I get the feeling that the slower start also had to do with the initial network meddling. Regardless, I’m enjoying it more each week, and I’m happy to see news reports that its renewal and even possible move to a more respectable night of the week, while still unannounced, is more than likely going to happen.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Kal Penn getting a job in the White House. Just a little odd. And how long will we have to wait now for the epic conclusion of the Harold and Kumar trilogy, “Harold and Kumar vs. Bill and Ted: Who Will Win?”? Yes, I wrote a Harold and Kumar/ Bill and Ted movie. No, no one has bought it, yet. But I’m hopeful. There are too many questions left unanswered without this movie! Get moving, Hollywood!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
–Still no questions? What’s the deal?

Going to go see the Royals on Saturday. Looking forward to it. I haven’t been to a game in a couple years. Good times, good times. And I’m going to see Observe and Report tonight. I’ll let you know how it was.

That’s all for now. I’ve got things to do, people to see, and it’s windy as all fuck out here.

Till next time,

–> N.