Thursday, March 11, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 9 & 10

Huzzah! Only two weeks since the last TWiN! The dream is still alive! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Birthday shout-out to Ashley!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Started rereading 100 Bullets by, Brian Azzarello

Been wanting to reread 100 Bullets since it wrapped up awhile back. I always liked it, but I felt pretty lost reading it episodically, cause it’s crazy. But reading it all at once it holds together pretty damn well, and it’s a lot of fun. If you like fucked up noirish crime conspiracy stories with lots of gunplay, check it out.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“If he hits half a rock here he may squeeze one out.”
--“I’m going to have to wear pants if I’m going to see the bird.”
--“I’m sorry I didn’t know that your bad child had died while your good child was growing. I want you to move in with us.”
--“Is the rag and bone man here, yet?”
--“No! Over the course of a regular day I do stuff. Stuff that would make pencils fall out of beards.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I recently came across this ad on craigslist:
“Untraditional Relationship - w4mm - 30
I am going to be honest what I am looking for is sort of a weird request. I am looking for 2 or more men that are looking for a woman that loves to cook and clean...and enjoys being with different men...I have a problem with being faithful, I do not try to stray it just seems to happen! So what I am looking for is a group of men that would like to share me. I am a 30 yr old white female that has children....that would love to be in a committed relationship with these men. I know it seems hipocritical that I want these men to be committed when I want multiple men, but if you think about are getting the best of both worlds...I cook your food, make your lunches, clean your house....and care for your needs sexually.....but you don't have to deal with me everyday..b/c I am busy doing the same thing for the others...
I would love to try this with friends...people that would be comfortable with the other men using their girlfriend....(yea I know it sounds weird coming from a girl). Also I am a country girl born and if you are country...please please hit me up...Pictures get 1st responses... If you are interested please put "The best of times" in the subject line.
I am a bigger girl...but I can please my man to the fullest extent of the word.”
So, should we get in on this action, or what?
11 March 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The Virginia House of Delegates voted to make it illegal to implant microchips in people without their permission. Republican Delegate Mark L. Cole said chips might be someday used as the ‘mark of the beast’ described in the Book of Revelation. The Georgia Senate recently passed a similar ban.” (Damn, Virginia. I’m proud to be from you, but sometimes you don’t make it easy)
-“68 percent of New York City residents in a recent survey said they’d overheard a neighbor having sex. ‘It’s like a train wreck— you have to stop what you’re doing and listen, even if it’s awful,’ said Melissa Buck, 29, of Manhattan.”
-“In moderation, beer can be a health-food drink that builds strong bones. University of California researchers have found that beer is a rich source of silicon, which increases bone mineral density and helps prevent osteoporosis. The food scientists tested 100 commercial beers for silicon content, and found that beers containing high levels of malted barley and hops are richest in silicon. Pale ales had the highest levels, while light lagers and wheat beers had the lowest.”
-“Typos are earning Google $497 million a year. About 68 million people a day mistype the names of highly trafficked websites, landing on bogus sites (called ‘typosquatters’) to which Google supplies ads, thereby hauling in a fortune.”
-“German luger David Moeller broke his tooth when photographers asked him to take a bite of his silver medal.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I’m sick. I’ve been coughing stuff up the last few days. It sucks.
-AT&T. I had to deal with them for a month now, on the phone for hours, getting disconnected and not called back, getting tossed between departments, being told things that aren’t true, not told other important information, having people not show up, having accounts lost, getting very few apologies and no real help. Those people are a nightmare.
-Pet dander. Saira’s allergies have been going crazy lately. It sucks, too. Rarrgh. That’s the sound of my sadness and latent lycanthropy.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! She’s perfect. I’m looking forward to next week when she’s on spring break. We’ll have time for all kinds of stuff. Like seeing a movie. And robbing a bank. Which the movie will be a nice little alibi for.
-KU Basketball. She’s coming on, boys. She’s coming on strong.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Watched a couple Lady Gaga videos the other night. That chick is batshit insane.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Thank you for addressing my Beard Phone question. I've done some poking around, and I think with appropriate beard growth ratios and beard returns they were most interested. I think with appropriate beard dividends you can start beard production any beard week now. Katie Holmes seemed most anxious. Anyways, i've another question of a personal nature: Do Scrubbing Bubbles have souls? I was watching a very short documentary (only 30seconds!) on them, and while I watch them fall down the drain, looking at the camera with their big doe eyes, I worried about their inevitable death. It does look like they have mouths, and i think they eat soap scum and grime but they can't live for ever. Is my drain littered with the decaying corpses of millions of these poor bastards? Is my shower drain haunted? Should I call in TAPS? (The Atlantic Paranormal Society)
Or worse yet: Do they not die, and I've got a huge scrubbing bubble population growing under my feet? Or what if they become something in between, horrifically changing by the unnatural combination of my Old Spice body wash and hydrating conditioner needed to keep my chest hairs fluffy? Scrubbing Bubble Zombies? Is this how Dawn of the Dead started?
Obviously you can understand my fears, or both a spiritual nature and a physical one. I've stuffed hand towels down my drain for the time being, but I am unfortunately starting to smell a little... off. Your advise would be much appreciated:
--Scared Stinkin in Lawrence
-Katie Holmes, huh? You should probably keep my name out of any dealings with her until the check is cashed. There’s a prior legal situation there which is still not entirely settled (civil suit still pending). To answer your other questions, yes, Scrubbing Bubbles have souls. No, they are extremely biodegradable. No, Scrubbing Bubbles lack the strength of will to remain within the mortal coil postmortem. No, they die. A Scrubbing Bubble, once exposed to air, will consume grime, then take a nap, then watch you take a shower and masturbate, and then die. There is no credible scientific evidence drawing a correlation between Old Spice body wash and zombieism, though in all fairness, only a handful of studies have been performed as of now. Just pour a little cheap whiskey down the drain after showering for antiseptic purposes. You should be fine.

Nelson recommends:
-I Not Stupid. It’s a TV show from Singapore. It’s crazy. Check it out.
-100 Bullets. Like I said in the book section. It’s the goods.

So, I’ve been thinking lately, and I’ve realized something that I believe in very firmly and devoutly. It’s not something I think about on a daily basis, but it’s there, every time I feel lost, or scared, or unsure of myself. It makes me feel that everything’s all right, and that I can handle anything that the world might throw at me. I believe that when Pat Morita died, only his mortal shell was lost. I believe that at that time only Mr. Miyagi remained, and that now he walks the Earth, healing the lame and teaching them karate. Will I ever see him? Perhaps. Perhaps if my need is great enough, and my spirit pure. But I have hope. I have hope, and I want you all to have hope too. That’s why I share this belief with you. Let it be a comfort in dark times.

And with that, I leave you. See you next week, brothers and sisters in Miyagi. See you next week.

–> N.