Wednesday, December 16, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 49 & 50

Yes, yes. Running behind again. By more than a week again. I’ve been busy. It’s a busy time of year. Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, though, it’s finals for Saira, we’re moving this Friday and Christmas is next Friday. So, let’s get down to business and postpone this no longer. This week we’ve got to get moving, so:

Birthday shout-out to Jason, Bella, Melissa and Kathryn! Hell yeah, birthdays!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I’m also still reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer
-Started reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“We should build a candy cane sex cage for the snowmen in our yard, too.”
--“With all due respect, a man who pierces the skull of another man with a golden snake is not a common thief, sir.”
--“I’m delirious with ass pain!”
--“Remington paid his court costs, abandoned his attempt to get rich raising sheep, and moved farther west.”
--“Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good dangle every now and then.”
--“He’s corking your corncob pipe!”
--“Well, I don’t suppose there are too many of us left who look upon soup as having sex appeal, but I still do. I always will.”
--“I don’t know. Why are you asking me questions? I don’t know things. And I don’t make things. I just make things better.”
--“Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding’s just one more day in my life I can’t wear sweat pants.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Pictured here is a kitten wearing a frog hat. Sorry it was difficult to recreate here)
15 December 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing particularly interesting. At least, nothing worth typing up here.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Nothing, really. Kind of cold, I guess. And I don’t like moving, but I’m really happy to be moving in with Saira, so I don’t mind so much.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Zoo World! Saira got me addicted to this facebook game where you own a zoo and I can’t stop. Check it out, it’s fun. Or at least just make a zoo so I can visit it and make money. Please.
-Denver Broncos. Still looking playoffs bound. If only they hadn’t inexplicably dropped that game to the Redskins, they’d be on top of the division still, too. And the Redskins have actually been looking like a decent team who can score points and everything.
-KU Basketball. Looking pretty fucking good. Looking a little like championship good.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Nelson recommends:
-Zoo World! Seriously, go make a zoo. Right now. I’ll wait.
-Snyder’s of Hanover Hershey’s Chocolate-dipped pretzels. Holy fuck, they changed my fucking life. So good!

So, yeah. I’m calling it.

See you next week.

–> N.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 47 & 48

Sorry for the whole running late, double week thing. But, you do get the second week earlier than usual, so deal with it. I got a little busy with the holidays, and having the internet die at my house a week ago didn’t help. So, belatedly happy Thanksgiving! This week we’ve got a bunch of food in me, a bunch of quotes, some crazy dance videos, a high recommendation (not that kind of high. particularly, anyway), double O’Reilly letters, and the announcement that Saira and I got engaged. That’s right. Boom! Engaged! Very happy! I love her like mad, so let’s knock this thing out so I can go hang out with her and be all engaged and stuff.

Birthday shout-out to Emily, Neuty, Devin, Kevin, and Keri and Polli’s grandma, belatedly! Birth shout-out to Teddy Gaus! Huzzah! Impending birthday shout-out to Roady, Pat and Gilmore! Big dog birthday ups to you all! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb
-Started reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I also started reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer

I highly recommend I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President! It’s about a 12-year-old evil genius secretly running a multi-billion dollar criminal empire who wants to be 8th grade class president to spite his father, and it’s written by one of the writers for the Daily Show. And it’s one hell of a lot of fun. Possibly even two hells of a lot of fun. I don’t know. The math is beyond me. Seriously, though, highest possible recommendation!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face . . . My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”
--“Let me see your nostrils, bird!”
--“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.”
--“Don’t feel bad. If I’d been at that pool party I’d have done the same thing.”
--“My dick again? That’s weird!
--“We’re not gonna have fun tomorrow.
We’ll have fun!
No we won’t! Not unless we dose Grandpa!”
--“I don’t think I could hide a hotdog.”
--“I would never bone three birds and stuff ‘em together.”
--“Three kinds of meat in your mouth at once, that’s pretty fast.”
--“He punches me until I prostitute.”
--“What else does jizz go with?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What means America to me:
1) Macaroni and Cheese
2) Blueberry pie (apple is overrated, and she’s had it too good for too long)
3) Firing a handgun
4) Rice Krispies Treats
5) Firing a handgun in public
6) Chocolate and peanut butter
7) Having consensual sex
8) Firing a handgun in public at a human target
9) PBR
10) Bill O’Reilly
Roll on, brother. Roll on.
25 November 2009"
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’m totally getting married! And I want you to attend! And be a groomsman!
Please say yes! Please say yes! Please say yes!
Married! Married! Married! Married! MARRIED!
Please be my groomsman. More details to follow.
29 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Florida’s Brevard County voted to exclude horses from its pooper-scooper law. ‘To stop a 1,000-pound animal, get off, hold it while you try and put the poop in a bag is just not a good idea,’ horse owner Wanetta Dyer told commissioners.” (Still, what about all the horse poop?)
-“The St. Louis Zoo responded to the death of several polar bears by installing a family of electronic polar bears in its empty polar bear display.” (I don’t know how I feel about this. I feel that robot bears should be in sketch comedy or playing country tunes, but that’s it)
-“The Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Ill., began selling necklace pendants and Christmas ornaments made from dried reindeer dung. ‘It may be silly,’ said zoo spokeswoman Susie Ohley, ‘but it not only brings in money and support for the zoo, it brings people smiles.’”
-“A hotel in Nantes, France, opened a ‘Hamster Villa’ suite, where for $148 a night, guests can feast on hamster grain, get a workout by running on a giant wheel, and sleep in haystacks. ‘Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small,’ said owner Yann Falquerho.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-KU football. That was one of the worst managed last three minutes of a game I’ve ever seen against Missouri. I was on the fence about what to do with Mangino at the end of the season, but now I’m really leaning toward dropping him. That was fucking ridiculous.
-College football in general. Once again we near the end of a season without being ranked in the top 2, so the whole thing is about to become rather pointless.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! My wife to be! Huzzah!
-Saira’s pie! She baked a bunch of pie this last week for the holidays. So delicious!
-Thanksgiving and Friends Thanksgivings. I’m full of foods.
-KU Basketball! Goddamn we look good.
-The Broncos monkeystomping the Giants.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Steve Wilkos’s face when a dude said he wanted to punch him. Scary! Do not suggest to Steve Wilkos that you want to punch him!

Dan was working overtime on the video suggestions this week. Big dog ups to Dan, and his apparent obsession with Alfonso Ribeiro/Carlton Banks! And make sure you check out that Hovind theory creationist science insanity. Saira found that and it is hilarious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing this week. Sorry.

Nelson recommends:
-I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb. As stated in the book section. I want you to read it badly enough to recommend it twice in one TWiN! Read it!
-The Investigation Discovery channel. It’s all crazy true crime shit, with re-enactments and all that. Deadly Women is especially good. And fucked up. Check it out if you’ve got that kind of cable.
-Scribblenauts. If you have a DS, check this game out. It’s fun as hell.
-Noodles and Company! They have noodles there and you eat them! I love it!

Well, I think I’ve accomplished enough for these two weeks, what with the Thanksgiving and the getting engaged and all, so I’m wrapping this up.

See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 46

Howdy. This week we’ve got my 25th email to O’Reilly (huzzah!), me finishing a book!, not enough quotes, a warning to rail travelers in India and crunchiness!

Birthday shout-out to nobody still? Anybody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Started reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb

The Chabon really is good. And it gave me an idea for a short story I’m now working on. So, double bonus. Perhaps, if you’re really good, I’ll let you read said story when it’s finished. But, in the meantime, you should read the Chabon now.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It took a woman to bring this man and elephant together.”
--“You think not eating cat food is putting on airs?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
(I sent him the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s Paparrazi this week, which for some reason wouldn’t paste into here. Feel free to look them up if you’re unfamiliar. They’re creepy)
19 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“India’s Northern Railway hired 36 boxers and wrestlers to collect tickets, and to make sure that ticketless passengers pay the fare andd a fine to remain onboard. ‘There is absolutely no intimidation involved,’ said a company spokesman.”(It would appear theat the writer of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was something of a prophet)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-12th Street being closed on campus. I don’t know why you need it closed to complete your Babelonian hotel, people, but get your heads in the game.
-The Broncos losing to the Redskins. I always hate it when my two teams play outside of the Superbowl, but I hate it more when one of them is way out of contention and the other is deep in the hunt and the team who the win will do nothing for is the team to win it. That is my definition of a pyrrhic victory.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ll have been together four months on Saturday. Huzzah! Can’t wait till we’re living together in our own place.
-Zack Greinke winning the Cy Young, and by a resounding margin. That guy had a fantastic year, even with the rest of the team holding him back, and it’s nice to see the shitty, smaller market team player recognized. Go Royal(s)!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-This week was not so odd. Although I did watch Jack Frost (the horror movie, not the Michael Keaton one) again for the first time in years. That movie’s pretty odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, here's the thing. I bought a box of Crunchberries, and on the front it says "Crunch-a-tize me, Cap'n!" I would like to know what I have to do to be Crunch-a-tized. Does someone have to nominate me? Do I have to perform an act of valor? Is it something that's only awarded posthumously? (If so, I don't think I'm interested). Or am I completely off base here? Maybe the Crunch-a-tization process is an organic one. Something that occurs in nature. Perhaps like a chemical reaction, or a genetic mutation that will prepare one to enter the next stage of human evolution. If this is the case, then what the fuck does Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch (Ret.)? Can you set me straight?
-The Crunch-a-tization process, on a physical level, is like the end of Superman 3 when that woman gets turned into a robot. But crunchier. However, on a mental level it’s more similar to that scene in Superman 3 where Superman battles with a corporeal manifestation of his own dark side. But crunchier. It’s a hard life, and shouldn’t be entered into lightly, but many who have undergone Crunch-a-tization and survived will tell you that it’s worth it. To be considered as a candidate for Crunch-a-tization, simply send a copy of your current resume, five letters of recommendation, and a 2,000 word essay detailing your desire and qualifications for Crunch-a-tization to the Royal Crunch Institute of Northern Corpusty, U.K. You can feel free to use me as one of those references. I already have a form Crunch-a-tization recommendation letter saved on my computer. It’ll take, literally, minutes to personalize it. And, not to brag, but, my name does carry a bit of weight with the Crunchies (as those members of the Institute are colloquially referred to). Of course, there is a second meaning to consider. To be Crunch-a-tized, sexually, involves the insertion of Crunchberries, milk optional, into the anus and the subsequent consumption of said anal berries by a consenting sexual partner. If this is the meaning you’re referring to, than I can’t really offer any advice as to whether you should pursue an activity of this nature. Such a thing would be between you, the Cap’n himself, your goodly wife, and your God. But crunchier. Good luck!

Nelson recommends:
-I saw 2012 last week. Everything exploded! Everything! And John Cusack, regardless of vehicle size, condition, or handling, or the presence of earthly fissure or lava, is an excellent driver! And Woody Harrelson loves pickles! I would recommend seeing it if you want to see everything explode and Woody Harrelson eat pickles. If you don’t, then a little part of me wonders why you read TWiN, but I still value your patronage.

I was listening to some news on the radio and there was a guy who predicts technological cultural trends (apparently fairly accurately) on, and he was predicting that online retailers and electronic readers were going to render bookstores obsolete in the next 10-20 years. He felt that smaller independent bookstores would be vanishing en masse within five years, and that the larger chains would begin to disappear in their non-electronic forms soon after that. The idea of that kind of bummed me out. Admittedly, I make most of my book purchases on Amazon and those that I don’t I make on other internet sites or the large chain stores. But I do like bookstores. I always have. It is a medium where physical browsing can be very useful and rewarding. Especially when I buy poetry, I like to flip throught the book and read a few poems before I commit. Which just isn’t the same on the internet. And I don’t know if I like the idea of moving toward a system where we read everything electronically. I just like books in every way. Books are the goods. I think the idea of the electronic readers is fine, and it interests me as a second option, or a way to keep one’s bookshelves a little less cluttered, or to take multiple books on the go. But I want it both ways. I don’t know if I’m actually making much of a point here. It was just something on my mind.

Anyway, that’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 45

Welcome back. I missed you. This week we’ve got actual reading being accomplished, an unprovoked attack on Plato’s Closet, Chiropteraic fellatio, further colonic counsel, alien invaders and quite possibly the most important question I’ve ever asked O’Reilly.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

I’ve actually almost finished reading the Chabon book. It’s good stuff. Essays and all that. I just like the cut of that guy’s gib. I feel like he’s one of the people who’s taught me the most as a writer. It’s also nice to really read a book again. After two and a half years of pretty prolific reading I guess I needed a break those last few months, but it’s still good to be back on the old book horse, trotting slowly back into Booktown to meet with the Mayor, Bartholomew P. Bookington about books and book related matters over steaming hot cups of books and a delightful assortment of dipping books. And for dessert? Book pie!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Passes the ‘they can hardly fit in my mouth’ test.”
--“Maximilian, we must break into the torture chamber immediately!”
--“It don’t have to be pretty, as long as there ain’t flames comin’ out it!”
--“Hey, I’m Chad, and I work, and shop, at Plato’s Closet. Plato’s Closet, is all about great style, and great values, for teens and twenties. The cool thing about us, is, that we pay cash, on the spot, for your gently used, brand-name clothing. People are watching their money, trying to live a green lifestyle, so what we do is important. You can’t forget, that we have cool clothes. We were green, before green was cool. Plato’s closet. It’s a fun, cool place to shop. And even work.”
(Apparently Plato’s Closet is cool. And their employees address the nation as if recently recovered from a stroke. And they’re cool!)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
How come you didn’t have a moustache in the 80's?
11 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“43-year-old Susan Finkelstein, a die-hard Philadelphia Phillies fan, was charged with offering an undercover officer sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Her lawyer called her ‘a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever.’” (How did that scenario present itself? Was the cop running some ticket scalping for sex sting? Is that a thing? Is that entrapment? Gaus?)
-Want more news? Check out the odd section. Half of it is actual news.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Illness! It has plagued the woman I love for weeks now in various forms and I’m close to killing it with a knife.
-Congress. Both parts. Both parties. Full on.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! That’s right, I said it. Even battling against the trials of Job she’s still amazing.
-Jon Stewart, South Park and God all taking masterful shots at Glenn Beck this week.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Way back in issue 42/43 you counseled me concerning Colon Ninjas and the necessity of caring for my colon. Well, taking that to heart I’ve dived in with a gusto you would be proud of! But I’m now worried I may have taken it too far, and have another colonic conundrum for you.
I just received an e-mail from who has told me that “Bowel Cleaning Products Linked To Serious Kidney Problems”. Obviously this information cannot be taken lightly. I mean, it’s a Surgery Prep Notice! Have I killed myself? Can I trust that safe methods have been used? Back there? I mean, I can’t really watch. It’s a really awkward position, in more than one way if you know what I mean. So the real question is: Can I sue? Is there some sort of ninjlomatic immunity that would prevent me getting the “Compensation that is Entitled to Me”?
--In a tizzy about my tushy”
-Yes, yes. I remember you. And I am proud! To answer your questions: Probably not. Probably not. Yes. Yes. Probably, but you should consult my lawyer about that. Not currently, although insurance law is an ever-changing, ever-expanding gauntlet of rotating swords. And, as we’ve already learned in TWiN, the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. So, I’d suggest taking a lap and not doing any heavy lifting with your anal cavity for the next few days and see how well it snaps back, so to speak.

Nelson recommends:
-Bob Dylan. Like me some Bob Dylan. They were playing nonstop Dylan at the Pig a couple mornings ago. Made me smiley.

The GRE Literature Subject Test went well. I think it went well anyway. I won’t know for sure for a while. It was a lot of interpretation and recognition, so I think it went all right. It was just a big pain in the ass. I’m glad to be done with it.

I’ve been watching the new V series. I was a big fan of the old miniseries. The old series that came after it, not as much, but still, big fan. I even wrote a paper about it once. The new one seems solid, but I’m not sure about it, yet. Mostly because I’m not sure V works as a 9/11 allegory as well as it worked as a Nazi/World War 2 allegory. Especially because V means Visitor now instead of Victory, which kind of rubs me the wrong way. There were some other things that kind of bugged me, but some other stuff I dug. For now I’m interested, but not sold. And it’s kind of gay that they’re showing four episodes and then going on hiatus until some time next year. Seems like an odd strategy, and one which flirts dangerously with failure. Plus, as of yet, there’s no Mark Singer, Robert Englund or Michael Ironsides, so they’re going to have to do something about that.

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 44

Welcome. Apparently some of you missed out on the email portion last week. Something was weird with gmail, apparently, and I got like five of them sent back to me. Sorry if you missed it. Feel free to check it out on If it fucks up again this week I’ll try to look into it. Anyway, I’ve got to take the GRE.Subject Test for Literature this Saturday morning, so I’ve been dealing with that the last couple days, so let’s waste no time and move on up. This week we’ve got some weird quotes. Seriously. And a fun fact about Newt Gingrich!

Birthday shout-out to Ryan! And Perrin! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Not really reading so much this week because of the GRE thing. Finally, a legitimate excuse!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m not checking the corners! I’m running to the bathroom and praying I don’t see dick!”
--“I love Bennigan’s. I watched Magic Johnson announce he had AIDS at Bennigan’s . . . on my birthday.”
--“It’s like Ghandi said, ‘A smile don’t cost nothing, sugar.’”
--“This is a huge asshole!”
“What’s going on? Is that the asshole? Whoooooooooooa!”
--“I want that on my ass! I want that on my ass right now!”
“Take a picture of it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and there’s a lot of questions I can’t seem to answer. Can you help?
Ronald Reagan vs. Jack Palance, who would win?
Ronald Reagan vs. Abraham Lincoln, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln vs. Jesus, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln and Jesus, having fought initially and then realizing they should team up to save the world from evil, vs. Jack Nicholson circa 1975, who would win?
Me vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. John Elway, who would win?
John Elway vs. the slow, endless, erosive passage of time which gnaws upon all things until they are but dust and the lingering echo of memory, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Taliban, who would win?
John Wayne vs. lightning, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Incredible Hulk, who would win?
Spider-man vs. Barack Obama, who would win?
England circa 1907 vs. Rome circa 50, who would win?
Rome circa 50 vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You and I vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Seriously, will you help me kick Steve Henderson’s ass? He’s a major dick and he totally deserves it. I hate Steve Henderson!
4 November 2009
PS- Newt Gingrich stared at my girlfriends boobs today. Please advise."

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A 19-year-old Boulder, Colorado man was forced into the passenger seat of his car by five kidnappers, but typed out a text message that he’d been kidnapped and was quickly rescued by police.” (Five kidnappers? What kind of car was he driving?)
-“The police force of Budaors, Hungary collectively won $16 million in the lottery. The 15-person squad resigned on the spot.” (Quick! To Budaors, Hungary! There’s no law there! It’ll be like Thunderdome!)
-“The Maldives government held an underwater cabinet meeting to draw attention to the dangers of global warming. The small island nation, which is less than 3 feet above sea level, staged the half-hour meeting at a depth of 20 feet, with Cabinet ministers and the president in full scuba gear.”
-“A Stanford study found that coin flips favor whichever side of the coin was facing up when the flip was initiated, landing on that side as much as 60 percent of the time.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Slow ass drivers. I’ve been caught behind some low-functioning retards at the wheel of cars in the last 48 hours. Driving 13 in a 35 is bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’re moving in together in December. Sign the lease on the place today. Really, really looking forward to it. And I wasn’t lying to O’Reilly. Newt Gingrich totally showed up at the Natural History Museum at KU while she was working today and checked out her boobs. So, I can check that off my bucket list.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-The only question I got this week was about the whole email snafu from last week, which I have already covered in the intro. So there.

Nelson recommends:
-I saw an empty box of Franzia by the side of the road today. And I’d like to think somebody had just been wandering around, drinking wine straight from the box, and when it was empty they just dropped it on the spot. So this week I’m going to recommend wandering the Earth on a Franzia bender. Somebody get on that.

Studying for this GRE Subject Test is kind of a pain. I probably should have been working on it earlier, but it’s all multiple choice and reviewing the major shit that’s going to be on the test it’s mostly authors and works which I’ve read or am at least familiar with, so I’m not sweating it too hard. And I’ll still be working on Creative Writing during my PhD, so I’m guessing the Lit test isn’t too big a deal as long as I don’t totally blow it. Tonight I’m going to try a practice test without having done any serious studying just to see where I’m at. Should be interesting.

Anyway, I’m going to get back to that, so . . .

See you next week.

–> N.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 42 & 43

Sorry for the lateness and double-week action. Saira had the swine flu last week, so I was more focused on that. More on that later. This week we’ve got double the pleasure and double the fun. Well, 1.63 times the pleasure anyway. But 2.14 times the fun! Let’s do this!

Birthday shout-out to Adri! Belatedly! Had I been on my game last week it would have been more timely.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?”
--“Fuck you! Tell a bear!”
--“It’s like the Ernest movies, but with pants.”
--“Elmo is an Uncle Tom”
--“What’s gentlemen’s relish? Ewwwww! Ewwwwwwww! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Grooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssss!
--“Nothing say ‘Party’ like sparkling wine.” (The poor grammar makes it even better!)
--“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting ... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
--“I’m like this invincible, fearless black guy. Like Shaft. Or Bryant Gumble.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
In all seriousness, what’s the deal with Obama quietly removing tariffs on Israeli dairy imports when American dairy farmers are struggling to the point of having to take some herds to the slaughterhouse in order to pay the bills?
Also, in all seriousness, is it true that every male employee at Fox News had their penises measured for insurance purposes, and if so, how did you rate? The database I saw only had patient IDs, not names.
28 October 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing of note. Sorry.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Watkins! So, Saira had the swine flu, and the infection had spread to her eyes. We don’t know this, yet, exactly. Just that she feels sick, achy, tired, congested, and her eyes have been swollen for a few days. So we go to Watkins. They diagnose the problem as asthma. They don’t know what’s wrong with her eyes other than it isn’t pink eye, but don’t think it’s relevant. They admit it might be influenza, but don’t want to test for it. They just send her on her way to class with a prescription for an asthma inhaler. Saira suspects bullshit, so we go to Promptcare. They immediately diagnose it as a viral infection that has spread to her eyes, test her for influenza which comes back positive, and prescribe antibiotics. Consequently, she’s feeling much better. And Watkins is apparently negligent to a ridiculous degree. It’s no wonder there’s a flu epidemic on campus.
-The Redskins! What are you guys, the fucking Chiefs now? I think that’s how it works. You lose to the Chiefs, and your punishment is you have to be the Chiefs. Seriously, guys, shitting the bed is one thing, but shitting it every week is something else all together.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ve been going out for three months as of last Wednesday. Happiest three months of my life. I couldn’t love her more if you paid me. But I would still accept your money and use it to buy her pretty things.
-The Broncos! They can’t be stopped! They will kill you and take your power!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

You’re welcome!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear TWiN,
The Silent Killer: Colon Ninjas
I’ve been getting suspicious e-mails lately from (true story) telling me to buy bottles and bottles of pills and liquids (surely to be taken in a suppository fashion) and threatening me that if I don’t I will die! (of cancer).
Why are ninjas so interested in my colon? And if one was interested, how can one join the fraternal sisterhood of those who assassinate through the colon?
Yours truly,
Colonically Confused in Quebec (or at least the French speaking portion of Lawrence)
-Ninjas are interested in your colon because your colon is important. Do you know how many people die of colon cancer every year? A lot. And are you checking your colon regularly? I doubt it. That’s why the ninjas are there to do it for you. And they’re ninjas so their examinations are as silent, swift and unobtrusive as possible. And, during those instances where there’s a price on your head, they will kill you while they’re in there. As for joining their ranks, there’s nothing you can really do. You don’t find them, sir. They find you. And if they take the measure of you from your colon and find you worthy, they will contact you and perhaps, if you’re lucky, they will teach you the medically helpful and deadly colon martial arts. Good luck with that. Tell them you know me. That might help. We go way back.

Nelson recommends:
-Buffalax! He writes fake phonetic translations for foreign music videos. Check out his channel on YouTube. Especially check out Benny Lava and Benny Lava 3.0, but it’s all good.
-Flashforward! I finally caught up with that show and I dig it.

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t mentioned my cats in a while, so let me take a second to tell you that they’re doing fine. Eating, napping, playing, sleeping, cuddling. They have a sweet life. Also, lately, there’s been some cave crickets infiltrating the house and they’re having a hell of a time hunting them down. In short, they’re great. Thanks for asking.

I’m gonna let it go at that. Happy Halloween! Remember to wear reflective markers on your clothing, be careful crossing the street, and don’t accept unwrapped candy from strangers!

See you next week. One hopes.

–> N.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 41

Well, hello. Back again so soon, you ask? I told you it’d take less than a fortnight. And as you know, my word is stronger than oak. Or at least particle board which has been decorated to mimic an oak-like appearance. My point is, oak or no, I still make one hell of a bookshelf. All right, we’re gonna do this fast and ugly so we can get back on schedule. This week we’ve got to strap in and get moving. STRAP IN! Fine, don’t. But I’m strapped in and I’m not unstrapping for you, or anybody! Well, maybe for some of you. We may have to handle this on a case by case basis. Feel free to contact me as to your strap-worthiness. I like getting correspondence. Unlike Bill O’Reilly, apparently. Why won’t he write back!? This intro is kind of starting to feel like an O’Reilly email, actually. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was in a hurry. Yeah.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Started reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Zombies: A Record of the Year of Infection by, “Dr. Robert Twombly” (Dan Roff & Chris Lane)

Reading, whooo! New Michael Chabon book, whooo! Whooooooooo!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“No thanks, loose-leaf paper. I prefer abstinence-leaf paper, YOU WHORE!”
--“As far as even numbers go, ‘0' is the worst number of penises to have.”
--“They are goatfuckers, Jon. Pure and simple. Pure and simple. An organization whose sole desire and drive is the pursuit and seduction of goats. For the purpose of fucking them. Perhaps, Jon, if the facts of a story were scribbled inside the sexual organs of goats, CNN may have more of an interest in checking them. Until that time, if you need a goat fucked, CNN will do it.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What was your first sexual experience like? Because I just had mine and I’m wondering if everything was entirely above board and up to par. Let me break it down for you:
So, I meet this lady at a mixer at my church. It was a brisk Sunday evening, coat and scarf weather, and the hot cocoa was flowing freely if you know what I’m saying. I was cocoa-ed halfway out of my mind! Just, like, whoooooo! You know?
So, anyway, cocoa-ed halfway to New Jersey and back, and I meet this lady. And boy howdy, she was a looker. Long, blonde hair. Heavy, red lipstick. And, I mean, it was totally ALL the way around her lips. Right? And boobs! She absolutely had boobs! A real man’s lady, if you follow me. And she’s fully into me, listening to all my stories about how I’m friends with you, and how we talk all the time, and email each other, and I hang out around your neighborhood in my car with the engine running, just smoking cigarette after cigarette and staring at your front door. So, thanks for being my wingman there, because she. Is. A. Fan! Obviously, of course, but still, that’s another one I owe you.
Anyway, she drives me back to her place (no way I was driving after all that cocoa! ;-)!) And we start going at it as soon as we get in the door. Hand holding, cheek rubbing, Eskimo kisses, you name it! This dame was into all kinds of things. And, I’m all, like, “Yeah! Take off your mittens. No, do it slowly. That’s right, it’s getting too hot in here for mittens. Oh, yeah! Yeah, a glass of ice water would really hit the spot. That’s extremely polite of you to offer. You filthy slut.”
So, I just down that ice water in a single gulp. You know? To impress her. And she’s clearly impressed. She’s so impressed she can barely clean her cat’s litter box. And it was good water, cause I was feeling pretty woozy after I drank it. I mean, it packed more of a punch than the cocoa, even. I’m stumbling around, slurring my speech, peeing a little. I was kind of worried I might be ruining the mood, but no worries there! She was sooooooo into it! Seriously, ladies love it when you pee on yourself. But, you probably know that. A real bushmaster like yourself.
But, she’s excited. Like, really excited. Like her pants were down, and her erection was E-NOR-MOUS! I mean, easily three times bigger than mine ever gets. And I must have been really staring at it, because I didn’t even see her fist until after she’d punched me. Right in the face, just POW! And not once, but six or seven times! And me in my weakened cocoa and ice water state.
So, I’m extremely disoriented, and there is no way I’m doing anything when she bends me over the couch and removes my pants. How could I? Besides, with all the urine, I was pretty glad to be rid of my pants.
Well, next thing I know, she’s taken her mighty erection and has inserted it into my butt! I mean, jackpot! I guess!? And she keeps taking it out part of the way and then putting it back in. Like, maybe she was trying to reach a certain depth, and she just couldn’t quite hit it. But, how could she with a penis that big? I’m just one man. But she kept trying anyway, a whole lot of times. I lost count. But, eventually she must have gotten tired of trying because she punched me some more times and took it out of me for good.
After that I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was waking up in the lobby of the post office and my wallet was gone.
So, my questions are these:
1) Even though my lovely lady didn’t appear able to insert her penis as far into my butt as she wanted too, did I still lose my virginity? Because I feel like I lost something.
2) Should I cancel my credit cards?
3) How long did your butt hurt after you lost your virginity? Because not being able to sit down is really starting to effect my performance at work.
4) Should I get one of those surgeries where they replace your hymen so you can still be a virgin on your wedding night?
Please get back to me soon. And if you could recommend some kind of salve for my butt, that would also be greatly appreciated.
13 October 2009"

I mean, he’s gotta write back now, right? Or, like, a police officer or something has got to contact me, or something. Which would totally count!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A group of dwarves in China set up a village where nobody taller than 4-foot-3 is allowed. ‘As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people,’ said resident Fu Tien. ‘But here there aren’t any big people.’”
-“The London Daily Telegraph found documents indicating that Iranian president and notorious Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has Jewish roots. Ahmadinejad’s family changed its name from Sabourjian, a Jewish name meaning ‘cloth weaver,’ when it converted to Islam after his birth.”
-“It was a bad week for Ralph Needs, 80, of Groveport, Ohio, whose home was invaded by two men who pistol-whipped him, ransacked his house, and stole his truck. A few days later, Needs was accidentally shot through the hand as his son Steve was teaching him to use a 9mm handgun to defend himself from future attacks. ‘Hell,’ said Police Chief Gary York, ‘that would be a bad week.’”
-“Scientists have found a nearly complete skeleton of a newly discovered human ancestor that pushes back the horizon of our species’ evolution by 1 million years, and overturns previous theories about how humans evolved. The new hominid species, named Ardipithecus ramidus, or ‘Ardi,’ lived in Africa 4.4 million years ago— long before the famous ‘Lucy,’ who was previously the oldest known hominid. Ardi, who stood about 4 feet tall and weighed 110 pounds, walked upright, but had flat, grasping feet that could be used to climb trees. In many respects, Ardi is the closest thing to being the proverbial ‘missing link,’ with physical features halfway between those of chimps, and a small, chimp-like brain. ‘It is not a chimp, it is not a human,’ University of California paleoanthropologist Tim White tells The Wall Street Journal. White and his team spent 15 years assembling and analyzing Ardi and the shattered remains of 36 members of her species. The skeletons strongly suggest that humans and chimps diverged on the evolutionary tree much longer ago than was previously thought, with chimps and gorillas developing many of their modern features— such as knuckle-walking and hanging from branches— only after they went down their own evolutionary path. Ardi, says paleoanthropologist David Pilbeam of Harvard University, ‘is one of the most important discoveries for the study of human evolution.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The Redskins! First you lose to the fucking Lions, giving them their first win since December, 2007! 2007! To put that in perspective, do you remember that endless Bataan Death March of a Presidential election we went through? The last time the Lions had won a game was BEFORE THAT HAD ACTUALLY EVEN STARTED! So, they do that, and then two weeks later they lose to the winless, pathetic-looking Panthers? And look like shit doing it! What the fuck!?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Whooooooooo! Seriously, though, she’s awesome.
-The Broncos! 5-0! They took down the Cowboys and the Patriots! How fucking sweet is that!? The answer is 20! That is 20 sweet! Apparently Jay Cutler can suck a big, fat dick! Who knew?
-The Daily Show, specifically for ripping CNN a new one on Monday. That was well executed.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
- (It takes a little while to get going, but it’s worth it. And special shout-out to Dan for helping to keep me in weird internet links!)
-Taco Bell going apeshit commercial-wise about the fact that they have black taco shells now. I mean, I like black people and things, but I’m not launching a national ad campaign about it. Some local radio spots and an appearance on Jayni’s Kitchen, sure. But that’s it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-No questions. Fine, I see how it is.

Nelson recommends:
-See the book section. Zombies and Michael Chabon! Huzzah!

So, yeah. There you have it. Back on track now, week-wise. Let’s see how long I can keep that going. See you next week!

–> N.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 39 & 40

Yes, yes. I know it’s been forever since the last week. I’d like to say the 100th took a lot out of me and I had to rest up, but that would be fibbing. Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into This Fortnight in Nelson. We’ll get back on track. Anyway. This week we’ve got to get going cause its been two and a half weeks and damn, that’s a long time.

Birthday shout-out to Nate, Dave and Jacqueline! And congratulations to Austin and Megan on getting married!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut


Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’ll tell you this. I’m not doing this show with some rookie monkey. We get one of these five monkeys, or I’m out.”
--“Look how sleazy that guy is. I’m having a hard time imagining ever peeing again looking at that guy.”
--“Midgets can’t play pro baseball. No strikezone. One time back in the day a midget jumped out of a cake and then played in the game. Now it’s illegal. It’s true! Look it up!”
--“It’s Billy Joel! Suck it!”
--“It’s a little weird walking into a home and the first thing you see is rockets and pictures of children with guns.”
--“Those who truly understand felines know that the cat lord is neither good nor evil but concerned with cat-things alone.”
--“If you’re looking for a better steak in an arcade atmosphere, you’re shit out of luck.”
--“It’s like in a romance novel when the girl is about to get raped and then realizes she wanted it in the first place.”
--“We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed . . . What’s Footloose? . . . That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”
--“Okay, the holy spirit just made the wow answer.”
--“Does this cat know who he’s fucking with? I’m the Dalai fucking Lama. Here’s one he hasn’t heard: What’s the difference between a pit bull and the Dalai Lama? A pit bull won’t rip off your head and then fuck your neck.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
The liberal media has gone too far this time! Just look at this screed against you I found in a prominent journal!:
‘Bill O’Reilly:
Bill O’Reillys live in loose bands, and are typically found in the same areas as are goblins. Unlike their smaller cousins, however, these hairy giants operate equally well in bright daylight or great darkness, so they are as likely to choose a habitation above ground as they are to select a subterranean abode.
If 12 or more Bill O’Reillys are encountered there will be a leader. If 24 or more are encountered there will be the following additional Bill O’Reillys: a chief and a sub-chief. If encountered in their lair there will always be a chief and sub-chief, and there will be females and young equal to 50% each of the number of males. Neither of the latter types of Bill O’Reillys will fight unless in a life or death situation.
The arms carried by Bill O’Reillys range the gamut of available weapons— from swords to wooden clubs with spikes set in them. A fair number of spears are carried by these monsters, and they tend to use them, along with axes, maces, and hammers, as missile weapons. As Bill O’Reillys are strong they can throw these weapons.
Although Bill O’Reillys are clumsy looking and walk with a shambling gait, they are actually able to move very quickly and with great stealth.
Description: The skin of Bill O’Reillys is light yellow to yellow brown— typically dull yellow. Their hair ranges in color from lusterless tannish brown to brick red. Their eyes are greenish white with red pupils. The odds and ends of armor they wear, as well as whatever cloth, skins, or hides they drape themselves in, tends to be ill-kept, dirty, and dingy.’
How dare they!
8 October 2009"

On a side note, that was the twentieth email to Bill O’Reilly and still nothing. A smaller anniversary than last week’s, but still.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Jonathan Parker, 19, of Fort Loudon, Pa., allegedly broke into a home and stole some jewelry, but left his Facebook account logged into the victim’s computer— which is how police identified him.”
-“Kings Island amusement park, in Mason, Ohio, took down its ‘Halloween Haunt’ display of skeletons of dead celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, and slain NFL quarterback Steve McNair and his late mistress. ‘We weren’t intending for it to be distasteful,’ said a park spokesman.” (I wonder what their Halloween display was like in 2001)
-“16 Polk County, Fla., drug investigators who raided a home in search of drugs were caught on a security camera playing the suspect’s Wii Bowling for nine straight hours.”
-“A British man wearing a gorilla costume for a sponsored run was stopped by police who thought he’d escaped from a zoo. Rory Coleman, 45, was running 143 miles to benefit the Gorilla Organization, a great-ape preservation charity. But after calls from alarmed motorists, police stopped Coleman, pulled him to the side of the road, and questioned him as to his species. ‘I told the police I’d come quietly,’ said Coleman, ‘as long as they gave me bananas.’”
-There were also some articles about a new dinosaur discovered which is exactly like a tyrannosaurus rex but the size of a human being, a new AIDS vaccine which has been cutting the risk of infection by 31%, and that of the people in the U.S. killed by lightning 80% are men.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I know there’s a couple things that bugged me over the last few weeks, but they’ve slipped my mind.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! I know. You’re shocked. Still, I love her.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Congratulations on hitting 100 episodes. Does this mean you’re getting a syndication deal, now? Can we expect to catch the reruns on TBS?”
-Yes and no. Yes, I’m going into syndication. But no, it’s not on TBS. Instead it’ll be on Univision. Sabado, sabado, sabado!

Nelson recommends:
-That new Community show. I like that Joel McHale, so perhaps I’m biased, but still. Pretty funny, pretty solid.

Well, that ought to do it. See you next week. Hopefully.

–> N.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 37 & 38 (huge 100th annivesary week!)

Sweet mother of fuck, it’s the 100th This Week in Nelson! Who could have imagined? Who could have possibly dreamed we’d be able to touch the mighty, iridescent face of god together this way!? Not Stu. But he’s already been chastised for his lack of faith in previous anniversaries. We’re beyond such mortal concerns now. And how fitting that the whopping anniversary edition has to encompass two actual weeks due to my own special brand of laziness. It’s got chipotle flavor, this laziness. And just a kiss of honey. Do you taste it? I bet you do. I hope you do. Otherwise, what has all this been for? Nothing, you say. Yes, yes. Nothing. And everything! But mostly nothing. This week we’ve got the 100th motherfucking TWiN! Packed with goodies and piping hot! Dig in!

We begin with a testimonial from the infamous Jon Ratzlaff, without whom we would have had zero weeks in Nelson, for this whole thing was his idea/directive/insistent urging at the edge of a knife. Ladies and gentlemen, Jon Ratzlaff:


Over a week ago, Nelson offered me the opportunity to “contribute” to the 100th TWiN. Giving me a week to accomplish this I took more than week thereby providing a convenient excuse for the delay in said 100th TWiN. Of course, to say such a thing says that one such as I could hold sway over the juggernaut that is TWiN. So I will leave Nelson to fabricate his own excuses, like last week’s “wedding” and “Saira”. But we’re getting off track, and I’ll try and keep it brief: TWiN ruined my life.

As I pulled into my driveway last night, I was confronted by a terribly pudgy, dark gray fuzzy specter. Evey. For those of you who don’t know this cat, she came into our life as a kitten, went slut at a very young age and frantically gave birth to five wonderful kittens (gratefully midwifed by my own daughter: Kathryn). These experiences have shaped her into the small framed, but wide hipped, kitty who irreverently trots through our house from time to time flopping her girth seemingly indiscriminately about, and compelling you to point a finger toward and in a deep voice say: “Evey”. And so there she was, staring me down, unafraid of the truck pulling up toward her, with that look in her eyes that she would do something terrible the moment I left the safety of my crappy truck cab. This led me to find myself listening to “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen.

Glory days well they'll pass you by
Glory days in the wink of a young girl's eye
Glory days, glory days

And this I got to thinking of my own Glory Days (or at least, perhaps, days more glorious than this) when I would occasionally crank out my own newsletter of my life and random musing surrounding it. Back then I was more physically fit, I had more hair, and my mental facilities were neat and tidy. But then I was introduced to a little thing you may have heard of: TWiN. Floored by the relevance, stunned by the humor, and overall pleased by the good use of the English language I became disheartened at my own work. Soon I became softer around the middle, my hair line seemed to become afraid of my eyebrows, and quite frankly my mind has seen better days. Obviously this could only be caused by only thing: TWiN.

Once realization set in I quickly took retaliation against my new arch nemesis: Nelson. Finding myself even going so far as to let TWO TWiN lay in my in-box UN-READ (for almost a week…). I could see it was taking its toll on Nelson. Soon enough, he was wearing down: acting delirious on stage of the Liberty Hall, turning thirty, and manufacturing a fantastical girlfriend “Saira”. I knew it only a matter of time, so I couldn’t help myself from envisioning life without TWiN. And it was a dry wasteland. Void of quotes of the week, empty of letters to Bill O’Reily, and lacking any sort of knowledge about what, and how much, Nelson has read recently! Horrible… and then I realized! It wasn’t TWiN that was ruining my life. It was Dames. How did I not see it before! What had I been thinking! What was I doing? I quickly re-read as many as I could (luckily I keep a bound copy of every one!) in an attempt to save our future! But was it enough? Have you done your part?

The End


Quote of Nelson of the Week:
(taken from the Booth Log at the South Wind 12)
“After taking a closer look at it I finally realized that all it needed was to be lubricated, so it’s working fine now. I wish I’d thought of such an obvious solution sooner.
Things today were just fine. à N.”

Jon Ratzlaff, everybody! Thank you for your kind words, Jon. And for your gentle touch.

Birthday shout-out to TWiN! And Chad! And Melia! And Jason 3! And Kym! And Natalie Roady! Big dog birthday ups to you all!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Yes, yes. Still lazy with the reading. But ease up off these nutz. I’ve read several hundred books these last 100 weeks. Everything is still above board and up to par.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“They’ve been screaming about pickles and nuts for hours. No one cares.”
--“You may have your faults, Andy. But at least you have pants on.”
--“Sorority girls have really let things go. Back in the day when they’d be getting ready to go out in the morning, they’d be all pearls, sweater set. Now, it’s PINK! Flip-flops.”
--“Do you know that some insurance companies consider spousal abuse a preexisting condition?”
--“As a scientist I just wish I could appreciate more things. Like cabins. Bicycles.”
--“Fold yourself in the middle!”
--“I also appreciate your soft, cloth funnel, Betty.”
--“It’s absurd. Putting the Amish in glass cases would be inhumane.”
--“It’s horrible. Horrible! I can’t watch this . . . this dancing!”
“And I cannot not watch it. May god have mercy on us all.”
--“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the largest collection of traffic cones was in the Magna-fucking-Carta.”
--“Feel his anus. It’s soaking wet.”
--“They’re doing it in a canoe. Two guys, one boat.”
--“Bird law in this country is not reasonable.”
--“Sorry, let’s just call it what it is. Food rapist.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
(This first one was written for this special occasion by the backwoods awesome Will Averill and sent on to O’Reilly by me:)
-“Dear Mr. Bill O’Reilly, I just had to write you
Something really scared me, when I saw it on the news
A story ‘bout a little girl beaten black and blue
Bill O’Reilly, thought I’d take this right to you

Dear Mr. Bill O’Reilly, I don’t understand
Why they took her mom and dad away
I know they don’t mean to hit with wild angry hands
Tell them just how big they are I pray

Please don’t let them hurt your children
We need love and shelter from the storm
Please don’t let them hurt your children
Won’t you keep us safe and warm

Dear Mr. Bill O’Reilly, they say that she may die
Oh I hope the doctors stop the pain
I know that you could save her and take her up to the sky
So she would never have to hurt again

Please don’t let them hurt your children . . .

Dear Mr. Bill O’Reilly, please tell me what to do
And please don’t tell my daddy
But my mommy hits me, too
Please don’t let them hurt your children . . .

Roboman and Sasser
15 September 2009”

(And here’s one from just me:)
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
To poop, or not to poop: that is the question:
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous poop,
Or to take arms against a sea of poop,
And by opposing poop them? To die, to poop;
No more; and by a poop to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That poop is heir to, ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be poop’d. To die, to poop;
To poop: perchance to dream: ay, there’s the rub;
For in that poop of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us poop: there’s the respect
That makes poop of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of poop,
The oppressor’s poop, the proud man’s poop,
The pangs of despised poop, the law’s poop,
The insolence of poop and the spurns
That patient poop of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his poop make
With a bare bodkin? who would poop bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary poop,
But that the dread of something after poop,
The undiscover’d country from whose poop
No traveler returns, puzzles the will
and makes us rather poop those ills we have
Than fly to others we know not of?
Thus conscience does make poop of us all;
And thus the native hue of poop
Is sicklied o’er with the pale cast of thought,
And poop of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents poop awry,
And lose the poop of action
23 September 2009"

On a side O’Reilly note, he’s recently come out backing a public health insurance option, an action which Mick has attributed to my correspondence with him. I’m inclined to agree. Once again, TWiN is changing lives and making America a better place!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Still no news. Except for the whole 100 weeks thing.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The traffic lights at 14th and Kentucky, 14th and Tennessee and 31st and Iowa. They’re jerks, and they know it, and they don’t care, and that’s why they’re even bigger jerks. Jerks!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! Two months together this past Monday! Hot nutzzz! (You had to be there).

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“There are two trains approaching each other on a single track. Train A is traveling northwest at 8 miles per hour. Train B is traveling southeast at 23 parsecs per fortnight. Train A is carrying three circus elephants, a legion of Roman infantry, and three small children. Train B is carrying 36 tons of Rice Krispie Treats. The engineer of Train A is jacked up on crystal methamphetamine and carrying the child of the Antichrist. Train B is driven by a woman. If Train A is wracked by economic turmoil followed by outright rebellion, then Train B is attacked on one side by legions of syphilitic donkeys carrying small caliber firearms and on the other side by Mohawks thirsty for white scalps, who will be alive to hear you scream? Love, Matthew Gaus”
-The simple answer is 5. The math is clear. If you factor in the speed, the extra thrust from the weight of the cargo, the direction, the deliciousness of Rice Krispie treats, the inevitable birth of the spawn of the Antichrist, and the dates of military prevalence for Rome, the Mohawk, and the Donkey Army of the Inca, then divide by Gaus, you clearly get 5. But that ignores the simple inclusion of the detail of economic turmoil which directly leads to outright rebellion. Mathematically it’s an unimportant detail. But when one searches the question for an overall meaning, it clearly stands out at the heart, and its implication is that America, and with her, the world, is headed directly for a time of economic turmoil followed by outright rebellion. Therefore, the answer is clearly Glenn Beck. Thanks for your question, Gaus. That was a tricky one. You almost got me. But I triumph yet again!

And now, just as a grown up job deserves a grown up sandwich, a new era of TWiN deserves a new segment!

Nelson recommends:
-The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra! It’s a wacky movie made eight or nine years ago that spoofs ridiculous 50's sci-fi films. Funny stuff.
-Princess! It’s a fucked up little cartoon that Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park made to promote a new flash player or some such thing that was cancelled after the company they made it for saw just how awesome the first two were. You can find it on the internets. And you should.

Okay, I’m gonna round this all off with a little trip down memory lane. When I first thought about how to celebrate 100 TWiNs, I planned to read all 99 previous installments and pluck some gems from them to reprint here. Then I thought, hey! That sounds like a lot of work. Fuck that! Besides, you guys read them. You remember them. But then I decided to compromise and read the first 15 TWiNs which comprised the original first volume way back in the distant past. A time historians in some far flung future age will no doubt come to refer to as “2007.” And so, since it’s been a long time for most of us, and a lot of hard, alcohol-soaked miles in the interim, and since some of you had yet to jump aboard the TWiN train back then, I hereby reprint some gems from those first 15 editions. Mostly in the form of quotes. Because it seems kind of vain and heavy-handed to reprint my own words. I leave that to you, and the careers you will no doubt go on to have in academia painstakingly interpreting every extensive facet of my genius. Anyway, some choice bits from the first 15 TWiNs. Here you go:

--“She looked like the warden in the kind of immaculate women’s prison that only exists in Italian pornography.”
--“What, incidentally, was a pregnant mother of two doing, operating a vacuum cleaner on Mother’s Day? She was practically asking for a bullet between the eyes, wasn’t she?”
--“Scientists proposed implanting cells from British bulls’ testicles into the testicles of Australian bulls to improve the herd’s meat quality. ‘The idea would be that he can ejaculate the sperm of a British bull,’ said scientist Dr. Bruce Lee.”
--“Werewolf Bar Mitzvah. Spooky, scary. Boys becoming men. Men becoming wolves.”
--“Talk about Dickens, and they start eating bark, and sometimes tires. It’s messed up.”
--“Now push the water around your body. Touch your wet skin and feel somewhat sexual. Now strangely pure. Now sexual again. Now like an animal. Now like an elf, thin and immortal and fearless in battle.”
--“Electricity can only be replenished by whisky. This is actual physics. Do not argue with me. I am a doktor.”
--“Why’d you shoot Mike-Mike in his, uh, his hind-parts?”
--“I am pooed out by your critics. They are so wrong! They talk like they know stuff, but not so! They are entirely dumbass . . . These guys read and they are cross because you are not like other writers. Well shit. You are better, so ass them. Ass them all, badly.”
--“An official investigation by the Italian government concluded that “aliens testing secret weapons” are probably behind the recent strange events in the Sicilian village of Canneto di Caronia. Villagers said that refrigerators and other appliances have been spontaneously bursting into flames.”
--“The police? The police. The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless and you people are counting on the police!”
--“Angela Landsbury— her foulmouthed tirades against the Swedes have no place on television.”
--“Maybe he’s not even a boy. Maybe he’s two dwarves in an overcoat who want to see what sex with a big person is like.”
--“I mean, it’s a broad generalization, but my guess is an attractive man who makes pies for a living shouldn’t even spend a short amount of time in prison.”
--“We never made a kid, me and Marilou. I made sure of that by some careful sexual maneuvering and some junior high debate tactics.”
--“Ooooo! Do you like cake?”
“Do you like my ass?”
“Would you like to eat cake off my ass?”
“What kind of cake?”
“Angel food cake.”
“Well, Rusty. Looks like we’re gonna eat our way out of another jam.”
--“I heard a baby can eat, like, half a cup of sand and be fine.”
--“You need to build a robot with ten penises.”
--“Boy, I hope we rescue the Starfish King on this adventure.”
“It would be a slam dunk.”
“Would you call what we did last night sex?”
--“Five leg-humpingly amazing punk-rock songs about punk-rock lust, the kind that makes you see Jesus and tell him, ‘You know, you got a pretty car, I think I wanna drive it,’ and off you roll with Jesus riding shotgun and the apostles in the trunk and the Holy Spirit strapped to the roof.”
--“Next up! ‘King of Queens’ reruns! He’s fat! She’s sassy! I’M LOSING MY MOTHERFUCKING MIND!”
--“Beatrice, looking like a gypsy queen, smoldered at the foot of a statue of a young physical student. At first glance, the laboratory-gowned scientist seemed to be a perfect servant of nothing but truth. At first glance, one was convinced that nothing but truth could please him as he beamed at his test tube. At first glance, one thought that he was as much above the beastly concerns of mankind as the harmoniums in the caves of Mercury. There, at first glance, was a young man without vanity, without lust— and one accepted at its face value the title Salo had engraved on the statue, Discovery of Atomic Power.
And then one perceived that the young truth-seeker had a shocking erection.”
--“When she felt love, she was formidable; making love she left you with no uncertain memory of having passed through a carnal transaction with a caged animal. It was not just her odor, that smell (with the white gloves off) of the wild boar full of rut, that hot odor of the gallery of the zoo, no, there was something other, her perfume perhaps, a hint of sanctity, something as calculating and full of guile as high finance, that was it— she smelled like a bank, Christ she would have been too much for any man, there was something so sly at the center of her, some snake, I used literally to conceive of a snake guarding the cave which opened to the treasure, the riches, the filthy-lucred wealth of all the world, and rare was the instant I could pay my dues without feeling a high pinch of pain as if fangs had sunk into me.”
--“Approach the robot slowly with your palm extended. The robot may sniff or lick your hand. Do not be alarmed; the robot is just getting to know you.”
--“It looks like another great day for coinage!”
--“So a person coming ashore there could walk right up to an animal and unscrew its head, if he wanted to. The animal would have no plan for such an occasion. And all the other animals would just stand around and watch, unable to draw any lessons for themselves from what was going on. A person could unscrew the head of every animal on an island, if that was his idea of business or fun.”
--“It is important to keep in mind the differences between stereotypes and racism. Stereotypes are a useful, if flawed, mechanism for surviving in a multicultural world, but racism is saying them out loud.”

Ah, a simpler time. A time of wagon trains and atomic bomb testing. Of radio and dragons.

And finally, because if we don’t learn our TWiN we are doomed to repeat it. And because I ultimately don’t care if I reprint my own words, I was just being lazy. And to ensure that this anniversary TWiN is the longest TWiN ever, I take you back once more to the time of late 2007, when I shared with you all the secret of my trade. Here it is again. The informative list of facts known as:

How This Week in Nelson is Made:
1) Throughout the week, and by week I mean a loose conglomeration of days which are consecutive and equal in number to somewhere between five and ten, I will go about my normal day to day bidness. In the course of said bidness, certain things occur to me in a thinking manner, or certain outside stimuli serve to tickle what the ancient Greeks and present day homosexuals (i.e. English people) accurately refer to as “my fancy.” Sometimes, the internal and external forces even collide to create painful brain sparks and what I like to call, “filler.”
2) I jot these things down, or make a mental note to file them neatly away near the top of the mind for easy access.
3) When a reasonable number of days has passed to constitute my previously stated loose understanding of the word week, I write all these things down in a slapdash and haphazard manner, much the way one constructs the rides at a county fair.
4) I go to sleep or pass out, depending on the current phase of the moon.
5) Elves emerge from the dark recesses of the house. These elves melt down the gold that they’ve spent the previous “week” stealing from the local landed gentry. Then, they fastidiously hammer the gold out into sheets and engrave what I’ve written down onto them.
6) The golden sheets containing my writing are arranged on one of the walls in my living room in a formation which is pleasing to the eye, but not overly ostentatious (as not overly ostentatious as a wall covered in gold can be).
7) Ellionoc, the king of the elves, is blindfolded, spun to the point of disorientation, and stopped facing the golden sheets.
8) Ellionoc is given a large piece of watermelon to eat. Whichever golden sheets he hits while blindly spitting out seeds are removed from the wall and taken by a bicycle elf (they’re taller) to an undisclosed location, where agents of the Red Chinese Army reword them to effectively pass along their latest encoded intelligence reports (Big shout out to our Communist brothers!).
9) The newly edited contents are organized using a mathematical formula guided by the outcome of the first two dozen throws in a back alley dice game regularly held behind Weaver’s since 1954.
10) The contents are typed up by whoever doesn’t appear busy at the time and passed on to you!
11) The gold sheets are melted down again and fashioned into coins to finance the entire operation, and to purchase a fat goose for each of our goodly wives to prepare with a lovely apricot sauce and perhaps a potato side.

Boom! 8 pages of 100th anniversary TWiN. Hope that makes it worth the wait. And, there you have it. 100 TWiNs, and still going strong. We will ride this horse until it’s form becomes foreboding and skeletal, much like the steed of that most menacing horseman, Death. Except less animated. And I don’t intend to master it sexually, unlike Death, that lousy horsefucker.

See you next week. And quite possibly for the next 100.

–> N.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 36

Holy shit, this is late! This week we’ve got a real quick 99th edition to knock out so we can get to the big 100th edition later this week. Real quick, let’s do this!

Birthday shout-out to Chris Goulter!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I read some poetry again this week. No big deal. James Tate like a muthafucka.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’ve fiddle-farted around my entire life.”
--“This is where our daughter or gay son will sleep.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I think it’s time for some straight talk between us, and I have a story I need to tell somebody. You’re the only one I trust enough to tell this to:
I first dropped acid when I was eighteen. I was over at these people’s house one night. This guy I went to school with was there and asked me if I wanted to try some acid. I had read about it in the newspaper and heard a few friends talk about it, so I was curious. I was pretty jacked up on marijuana, so I decided to try it. And I dropped it. I don’t know what I was waiting for: a flash, or a rush, or whatever, but I kept sitting there waiting, and waiting, but nothing was happening, so I got up and went to the dresser and put on a pair of pink capris and a green and brown blouse. I thought the colors were beautiful.
So, we tripped down to Market Street, and I decided to buy a hotdog. I was very hungry, and I had put mustard and ketchup, and relish, and the usual, and I put the hotdog up to my mouth, and somebody started screaming. I didn’t know what was happening, so I looked up at my friend Terry and said, ‘Did you hear that? Didn’t you hear someone scream?’ He said, ‘No.’
I got the hotdog up to my mouth again, and was ready to bite, when the scream got louder. Then it hit me, ‘No, it couldn’t be,’ and I looked down at the hotdog and it had a face on it. Eyes, nose, a mouth. I had put the ketchup to where it looked like his hair. And he started telling me that I couldn’t eat him, he had a wife and seven kids at home to support. And I stood there with this hotdog and asked Terry, ‘Do you know this hotdog is talking to me?’ And he says, ‘Nah, let’s get out of here.’ He thought I was just faking. And I told him, ‘Look at the thing. He’s got a face, and he’s screaming.’ And the guy finally looked over, and he got on the same trip I was on, and he sat there carrying on a conversation with that hotdog.
Finally, I decided I was just hallucinating, so I put it in my mouth and bit down. It screamed so loud that you could hear it all over town, so I had to throw it on the ground and step on it. And I was jumping on this hotdog in the middle of Market Street. I realized that I had murdered it, and I took off screaming down the street, scared.
So, does this make me gay?
15 September 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Unfortunately, my news source is lost to me for a couple weeks. My apologies.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Eh, I’m fine.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Jaq and Joe’s wedding!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-There were odd things. But I’m drawing a blank.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--Nope. Nothing.

The reason this is so late is I was having a fine old time the last week or so. Willie was back in town for a week, unfortunately because his grandmother passed away. Big TWiN condolences to the Averill clan for their loss on that score. So, it was a sad reason to be around, but it was still nice to get to see my boy Willie. Anyway, while he was here we were working on the entertainment section of Jaq and Joe’s wedding. Then on Thursday we had the bachelor/bachelorette bbq/bowling/bars night, Friday was the rehearsal, and Saturday was the wedding itself. Lots of fun had by all, lots of delicious pies to eat (they went for wedding pies instead of a wedding cake), including two delicious fruit pies from Saira and a chocolate mousse pie from yours truly. Then, on Sunday, Saira had the day off so we went to the Ren Fest in KC and had some dinner at the Plaza. All in all, a really solid slate of days, but not ones that were conducive to TWiNning.

So, really, that’s all for now. Sorry for the lateness and the brevity, but the more time I spend on this is less time I have to work up the big 100, which I’ll try to have done by this weekend at the latest.

See you next week.

–> N.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

New poem

Yeah, running a little late with this week's TWiN, what with Jaq and Joe's wedding this weekend and Willie being in town this last week. No worries, you'll have it soon enough. To tide you over, here's a new poem I wrote a week or so ago. Enjoy!

The Last Bullfighting Fan in Laredo

I was reading the Sun
Also Rises on the green couch
in the day room when I suddenly
proclaimed aloud that I loved
Ernest Hemingway.
Lillian, who had been diligently
pounding nails into the coffee
table, looked up at me, startled, her
eyes like two fallen scoops
of ice cream melting slowly across
a broken sidewalk. “Oh, you do,”
she said. “Well, who do you love
more, him or me?” “That’s tough
to say,” I replied, looking at her
face but not her ice cream scoops.
“Hemingway captured in prose
the fractured soul of man after
the first World War, but he has never
orally stimulated my penis to the point
of full climactic release.”
“Yet,” Lillian interjected, and “No,”
I agreed, “He hasn’t. Yet.”
At that point I pretended to return
to reading, leaving Lillian to her
dark task, but secretly I began
to consider the total cost of a bottle
of whiskey, a large-caliber firearm
and a plane ticket to Key West, or
if necessary, Spain.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

This Week in Nelson, vloume 3, number 35

It’s This Week in Nelson number 98! Holy shit! This week we’ve got no birthdays, several quotes, no news, beards, a comedic dearth, happiness, web sites and Rasputin’s dick.

Birthday shout-out to ???????

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Yeah, yeah. I did read a little James Tate today to help Jaq and Joe find a poem to be read at their wedding. Always love reading some James Tate.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Cheers on the awesome cheese and sausage party!”
--“Let me be the first to admit that I love shark movies but not horror movies.”
--“Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”
--“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices.”
--“What you SAW was me grab my fork off the table and stab myself in the dick.”
--“Everybody who wants to be hypnotized, go on and get out of the Jacuzzi and get up on the couch.”
--“Anytime good time fo’ moneytime. Moneytime like pussytime. Anytime good fo’ pussytime, an’ pussytime good fo’ anytime. No such thang as too much pussytime, o’ too much moneytime. You know what time it is, son!!”
--“I’m afraid you misunderstand me, madam. I am as gay as the day is long.”
“And it’s summer.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
You should grow a beard. Do you know how many great American patriots have had beards? A lot. Here’s a short list of major bearded American patriots:
-Robert E. Lee
-Abraham Lincoln
-Ulysses S. Grant
-Howard Hughes
-Morgan Freeman
-America’s Legendary Keelboatsman, Mike Fink
-Blackbeard the Pirate
-Amelia Earhart
-Ernesto “Che” Guevara
-Obi-Wan Kenobi
-Leonardo da Vinci
-Vladimir Lenin
-Sean Connery
-Billy Mays
-Commander William Riker
-Santa Claus
-Papa Smurf
-Reese Witherspoon
-Perry Mason
-Socrates Johnson
-Patrick Swayze at the end of Point Break
-Captain Quint
-Anne Frank
-General Cornwallis
How can you not want your name on this list? You’re easily a greater American patriot than Abraham Lincoln, and could take his place with ease after just a couple short weeks of growth. So get growing, sir. Please. We’re at war, and America needs your beard more than ever!
3 September 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Unfortunately, my news source is lost to me for a couple weeks. My apologies.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Daily Show and Colbert having been on hiatus for two weeks with one week left to go before new ones. Three weeks is entirely to long to go without my news satire fix.
-When I check the email account I use when corresponding with O’Reilly, and there’s an email in my inbox and I think for a second, “Holy shit, did he finally write me back!?” But it just turns out to be an email about playing fantasy football on Yahoo! Sports. Boo!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira, as always. I think she might be baking a pie tonight. Huzzah!
-Sports! Football is right around the corner, and I made the playoffs in my fantasy baseball league. Barely. I finished in 6th with a record of 88-112-20 and the 7th place guy went 88-120-12. So far it’s a tight battle with Chris Goulter in the playoffs. I’d really like to make the second round of the playoffs. Haven’t ever done that in this league. It would be sweet.
-Three new web sites:

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A movie Saira and I watched called Rasputin: Dark Servant of Destiny, starring Alan Rickman as Rasputin and Ian McKellan as Tsar Nicholas. Pretty crazy movie. In one scene Rasputin actually whips his dick out in public. You can watch it on Youtube if you’re interested. That’s how we did it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
–“The Closer? How can you watch cop shows after watching The Wire? Honestly, how can you watch any shows after The Wire? PANDEMIC!”
-If you watch a really great movie, or eat a really great pizza, or have a particularly ball-draining sexual experience, do you then swear off all other movies, pizza and sexual intercourse? I think not, sir. Is The Wire better? Yes, of course, it’s better than everything. But it is gone and I still live. So, I will live, sir. I will live!

You know, I think that’s all I’ve got for now. It’s time to get back to work, and by that I mean spend 20 minutes on my thesis and then 30 minutes dicking around on facebook.

See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 34

Thunderstorms, thunderstorms, thunderstorms. Love those things. Well, when they aren’t flooding my place I love them, which they haven’t been doing lately, so go thunderstorms, I say. It’s the 97th TWiN this week. Number 100 is slouching ever closer to Bethlehem. Make peace with your gods now. This week we’ve got a pretty laid back week. Nothing crazy. Although I’m a big fan of this week’s O’Reilly email. Anyway, here we go.

Birthday shout-out to, ummmmm, nobody? We’ll see, I guess, but I don’t know of anybody off the top of my head.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Actually did some reading this week. Maybe I didn’t so much bring hell with me, but you kind of have to work up to hell. If you try to bring hell with you without stretching first and maybe taking a few practice laps you can blow out a hammy.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I never really enjoyed hats until I was twenty-six.”
--“It’s cool. Robert Downey, Jr. opened the door. Now I’m a walk through that door. Get me some bathroom sex at Applebee’s.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
My love for you allows me to pray to the
spirit of eternal beauty and tenderness
mirrored in your eyes or to fling you down
under me on that soft belly of yours and fuck
you up behind, like a hog riding a sow,
glorying in the very sweat and stink that rises
from your arse, glorying in the open shame
of your upturned dress and white girlish
drawers and in the confusion of your
flushed cheeks and tangled hair.
26 August 2009"

Special thanks this week to James Joyce for providing the body of this email to O’Reilly.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Unfortunately, my news source is lost to me for a couple weeks. My apologies.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-You know what? There’s nothing. I’m just happy. Life is good.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira’s delicious cooking! She’s made me dinner three times this week and each meal was absolutely fantastic. Seriously, life is fucking good.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-KFC has come out with something called the Double Down Sandwich. It’s bacon, two kinds of cheese and some kind of sauce between two pieces of chicken. That’s right, they’re using chicken as bread! Don’t believe me? Check this out:
-And, while you’re at it, check this out, too:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--Man, it’s feast or famine with the questions lately. I can’t answer what I’m not asked. That’s simple chemistry.

Took the cats to the vet this week. They both got a clean bill of health. It was a little weird, cause they both lost a little weight from last year, but they’re still in the healthy range and look a-ok. I really appreciate the fact that I can leave food out all the time for those cats so I don’t have to worry so much about feeding schedules and they both eat reasonably and don’t let themselves get fat. It’s just handy. It also helps that they stay fairly active for indoor cats. Anyway, all’s well on that front, too.

Got to see Stu this weekend for his birthday, which was cool. Hadn’t seen him in a while. Always good to catch up with an old friend. I wish he could have stayed a little longer, but what can you do?

Didn’t see any new movies this week, but I went to the midnight movie madness thing at Liberty and watched Pulp Fiction with Saira, which was fun. I love me the hell out of that movie, and I saw it a bunch of times in the theater back in the day, so it was cool to see it on the big screen again. Although, it was kind of a pain that there were some people there who thought they were cooler than everybody else and would occasionally say a line before it got said on screen, which, come on people. Who are you trying to impress?

You know what’s a pretty good show? The Closer. Saira’s got the DVDs and we’ve been watching it and I really enjoy it. It’s just a solid cop show and does a good job of balancing horrible, fucked up shit and wacky misadventures. Check it out. I recommend it.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. See you next week.

–> N.

Friday, August 21, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 33

Running late this week, so I’m writing this at work. Which feels weird. And means I still won’t be able to send it out until tonight, which means you won’t be reading it till even later. My apologies, but it couldn’t be helped. Anywho, this week we’ve got a threatening proclamation towards the written word, a deadly threat that comes from the south, several answers to several questions, the murderous intentions of big cats, one current and one impending anniversary, and bathroom facts from around the globe.

Birthday shout-out to Stu! Fun fact: giving birthday shout-outs to Stu got me through college. Happy birthday, Stu!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I’ve really been meaning to get reading again. It’s been, like, two months since I read anything. It feels really sick and wrong. And I’ve been fucking around with the virtual bookshelf on facebook, which makes me feel even worse that I’m not reading. So, get ready books. I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me. You hear that, books!? Hell’s coming with me!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I. Do not. Engulf. Sugar!”
--“Thou hast besquirted me! The maiden be thine!”
--“Well, that’s the Old Western Nipple Gun.”
--“If you think you’re too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Sir, are you aware that Texas is overrun with murderous feral hogs? It’s true! They roam the countryside, eating crops and small children, stealing money, raping women, and sowing the seeds of an anarchist revolution against the government. And yet the current administration does nothing! The only thing standing between us and certain doom are brave bands of Americans who hunt the beasts with the help of specially trained dogs. They’re doing their best to stem the tide, but how long can they stand alone in this fight before the hogs grow too powerful to stop? Every generation of feral hog is bigger, stronger and smarter than the one before it. Soon they’ll start using tools, and explosives. Maybe even tanks! These men need our help and you’re the only one out there with the stones to stand up to the status quo and call for a war against the hogs! Please, contact the Hog Dog Boys at their website and ask for Zane so you can coordinate with him and develop a proper offensive against these monsters. The fate of our country, and perhaps the entire world, is in your hands, sir! The time for action is now! These colors don’t run! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
21 August 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A Melbourne, Australia, pub installed a rear-projector TV on the back wall of its urinal. Now, patrons don’t have to miss a second of the game when they have to go, and can entertain themselves by peeing on the opposing team.”
-“Cuba’s state-run toilet-paper manufacturer said it had run out of paper and money, and warned that the island would face severe shortages until the end of the year, when ‘emergency’ imports would arrive.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The students being back in town. Fucking traffic, parking, crowds, bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-As of today, Saira and I have been going out for a month. I love her more than Pizza Shuttle, PBR, nicotine and oxygen. Best month of my life.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A website called It’s pictures of cakes that were fucked up, impressive, or just plain crazy. There’s a baby shower cake that features Darth Vader holding out a baby with the words “It’s a girl!” and another one with a construction worker merman. Check it
out. It’s fucking weird.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Really, Mike Lowell; really?”
-Yes, really.
--“Glad to hear you’re feeling better. So, did you have swine flu or was it something else? Also, if the chicken curry was ‘one of the best things to have ever been in my mouth,’ what was the best thing to have ever been in your mouth? Or are there multiple things?”
-The doctor said he thought it was a sinus infection, but one located toward the top and rear of my head rather than the front, which is weird. They tested me for influenza and that came back negative, so no swine were involved it would seem. As for what’s been in my mouth that was better than Saira’s curry, the answer to that would have to be Saira herself.
--“Is it true that swimmin’ ain’t got dick shit to do with divin’?”
-Yes, that is true. The physical act of divin’ does have dick shit to do with swimmin’ and one doesn’t need to know how to swim in order to dive. However, once the act of divin’ has been completed, one might want to have at least a cursory knowledge of swimmin’, or at least the ability to breathe underwater. Or be friends with Aquaman. He doesn’t have anything better to do than spot divers who can’t swim, and he’s lonely.

Saw District 9 and Inglourious Basterds this week. Both were awesome and come highly recommended by me. Seriously, check ‘em out.

Went to the zoo in KC on Wednesday with Saira. That’s a solid little zoo. Lots of adorable animals, and a tiger that wanted us dead. Seriously, that tiger was thinking of nothing but murder.

FYI: This is the 96th edition of TWiN which you just read. Which means the 100th is right around the corner! Only one more month of shopping days left! Prepare yourself for the centennial!

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 32

I looked death in the eye this weekend and death blinked first! Well, death is a strong word. I just had an insane fever for three days. But I’m cool now. They got me on some hardcore antibiotics. So let’s do this thing! This week we’ve got

Birthday shout-out to Ric, belatedly! Also, a birthday shout-out retraction, as apparently Facebook lied and last week wasn’t Laura’s birthday. Happy birthday! (Or not!)

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I couldn’t read! My brain was on fire!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“This just proves what I’ve always said: orphans are terrible.”
--“Your plan isn’t just falling apart, it’s being ripped apart by giant bugs!”
--“Did the sun blow up or was that just a dream?”
--“One should not scream ‘I want tacos!’ really loudly in Uganda...”
--“Where are you calling from?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” (He was calling from a cyborg dog)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Hate to bother you with another medical question, but I can’t really fit in a doctor visit right now. Can you just tell me what this is on my penis?
(Pasted in here was a picture of a penis infected with syphilis, which I spare you)
Thanks for your help!
12 August 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The Wisconsin State Fair introduced two new taste treats this week: chocolate-covered bacon on a stick, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches dipped in pancake batter and deep fried.”
-“China released a list of 100 health requirements for would-be astronauts. Candidates for future space missions must have no scars, cavities, runny noses, or bad breath. ‘The bad smell would affect their fellow colleagues in a narrow space,’ said health official Shi Bing Bing.” (Two things: no runny noses when applying, when going to space, or ever? And, there’s a health official for the Chinese space program that’s a panda?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-9th Street! It’s all better now, but it’s staying on for one last week because it fucking deserves to after what it put me through.
-Illness. It’s bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The dinner Saira made last night. It was this chicken curry dish (the exact name escapes me) that was so delicious it was by far one of the best things to have ever been in my mouth. And she made a cherry pie for dessert! And she looked after me while I was sick! She’s the best girlfriend ever!
-SciFi’s (fuck you, Syfy) insane Saturday night original monster movies. So much fun.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The movie K-9000. Which is from the K-9 series, but the dog is a cyborg. Weird fucking movie.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“I got nothing.”
-Then neither do I.

Saw Funny People last week. It was a good movie. I really enjoyed it. Gonna see District 9 tomorrow. I’m excited to see that bad boy. I’ll let you know how it is.

All right. That’s enough for now. I’m still getting my strength back.

See you next week.

–> N.