Friday, March 25, 2011

This Week in Nelson, number 5, volume 12

We’re back, and with only a week and a half between. And, honestly, I really intended that first TWiN to count for last week. So, today, this week, and still on track.

So, something that’s been up with me lately is I’m GMing a Star Wars roleplaying game (GM being their version of DM since there are little to no literal dungeons in the old, faraway galaxy, excluding Owen Lars’s sex dungeon, of course. Got 7 people playing and 1 coming in May (with a few names interested on the waiting list), so I’m afraid if anyone’s interested in getting in on that, I have no room at the inn for now.

But, anyway, I’ve been working on that, which has turned into something of a part-time job. Most everyone playing is new-ish to the game, and rpgs in general, so I’ve been simplifying and combining the rules and info from a few books and making rules tweaks and putting all of it together (because Lucasfilm controls their properties with a Vader-like grip, online resources are a little lacking and 3rd party heavy). We play Tuesday nights. Tuesday went well. Escape from a crippled transport. Pile of dead stormtroopers.
Postgame, Willie and I killed some zombies as we’re lately want to do (Left 4 Dead 2). And after that, I just went on a near two-day bender of smoking, working the GM thing and watching/“watching” movies. What movies did I watch? Whatever was on the movie channels I get. Often, whatever was on after what I’d been watching. And it ended up being kind of an odd mix. I feel the need to share it. They were, more or less, the following:

-Bourne Ultimatum: I really like them Bourne movies. Want to watch the three back-to-back sometime soon. Haven’t seen the first one in a while. Good stuff.

-Scary Movie 2: Woke up and it was on. Only watched the last half. Laughed a few times, but mostly felt glad that I’d missed the first half. And felt bad that David Cross was in it. But I understood. Then I felt bad that we live in a world where David Cross pretty much has to be in Scary Movie 2.

-Masters of the Universe: The live-action He-Man movie. I’d actually been wanting to watch it again lately, so it was kind of fun that it was on. Does it hold up? It does and it doesn’t. It is both more and less odd and ridiculous than I remembered. My one question, where was Trapjaw!?

-The Cassandra Crossing: Have you heard of this movie? Crazy 70’s Italian disaster movie, with a super-plague outbreak on a train. The government sends commandos to take the train over and divert it to an old, abandoned concentration camp so the virus can’t spread, but the train has to pass over the Cassandra Crossing to get there, a rickety-ass old bridge that hasn’t been used since the war which will most likely collapse when they hit it. The passengers get wise and try to retake the train from the commandos before everyone dies on the bridge. It’s fucking crazy, and it has a fucking crazy 70’s disaster movie cast. Sophia Loren and Richard Harris as the leads, a successful, divorced couple (both toting a pair of machine guns and turtlenecks at one point), a young, long-haired Martin Sheen as a gigolo mountain-climbing drug smuggler and Ava Gardner as his sugarmomma, Burt Lancaster as the sinister Army colonel running the government show, O.J. Simpson as a priest with a secret, and Lee fucking Strasberg as a Holocaust survivor watch salesman. Equally ridiculous and at times legitimately exciting. One of the best metal girder through a dude’s chest scenes I’ve seen in a movie. And everyone knows I have a six minute chest girder compilation I have to watch to get an erection.

-Groundhog Day: Bill Murray is pure fucking A-game. If there was a zombie apocalypse I’d go to his house, too.

-G-Force: Yeah. It was about fifteen minutes in before I realized it was actually on. Yeah. I took a shower in the middle. I lost none of the plot. Yeah. I feel a little bad about pretty much everyone who was in this. But mostly the live action people. I feel like being in a shitty movie isn’t so bad if it’s a kids movie and you only have to do a voice. That’s like driving your buddy to the airport and getting paid scale for it.

-The Karate Kid: The new one. I had both misgivings and hopes for that movie since I’d learned of its coming existence and then read and heard things about it. I’ll say, they should have called it The Kung Fu Kid, mostly cause that’s what it is. Remakes and reimaginings of good movies are a sword of many edges. Even when they’re good, they’re good with a handicap. And when they’re bad they deserve a special place in Hell. I understand they want to capitalize on the existing past product. But I don’t know why The Kung Fu Kid doesn’t do that in a way that better reflects what the movie is and in a more, if not clever, then at least winky way. Regardless, I liked it. That kid’s supergenes are working. He’s got his dad’s charisma, swagger and physical prowess. And that may be Jackie Chan’s best acting job ever. He’s no Mr. Miyagi, naturally, because no one’s Mr. Miyagi, but he’s Mr. Han and it works. And, legit, there’s some pretty sweet martial arts in it.

-Hollywood Homicide: I really like this movie. I always have. I really like Harrison Ford. I always have. Legitimately, I always have. You know, I’m a big Star Wars guy. Obviously. And to be honest, part of it might be that some of my earliest memories involve Star Wars. Reading Star Wars comics in preschool and seeing Return of the Jedi in the theater are two of my very earliest memories. I like the way Harrison Ford can walk the line between cool as fuck, on top of his game and broken down, barely scraping by. And, yet, even when he’s broken down, he’s still got this, “well, fuck it. I’m still gonna own it” attitude. Love that motherfucker. Still the best doughnut-infused sex scene in movie history.

-The Runaways: Eh. Kind of seemed like teenagers trying to act cool more than the Runaways who were actually cool. Also seemed like a weird excuse for people to get to watch Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning make out. If that’s your thing, then check it out, I guess.

-Extreme Movie: A weird sketch comedy movie about sex that wasn’t anything amazing, and was largely derivative and expected, but that was actually legitimately funny more often than I would have ever guessed. Matthew Lillard especially had a few good one-liners in a recurring “the more you know” kind of segment.

Something I fell asleep to which I don’t recall.

-Hellboy: Ron Perlman, I like. No bullshit. Woke up halfway through. Seriously, though, if I ever get to make some movies, if I have some kind of big, gruff, beastly character, especially one that takes no shit and kills some monsters, but he takes no shit and kills some monsters with a heart of gold. You know the type I mean. Like a Ray Romano type. Anyway, I’m gonna be like, “Ron Perlman? Is there any way?”

Side note, typing this, a funeral scene popped on tv, and the priest was saying as he eulogized, “As Viggo the Carpathian said in Ghostbusters II, ‘Death is but a doorway. Time is but a window. I’ll be back.’.” When I die, find this man. Gaus, add it to the will.

-Good Will Hunting: I’m a fan. Hadn’t seen it in years, I think. Missed the first twenty minutes or so. Had kind of woken up not sure about just leaving one channel on for a while any more, so I actually looked for the thing I wanted to watch most and hit the Damon again. But then I just left the channel on and ran some errands, and when I came back I didn’t give much of a fuck and first up was:

-Bad Company: The Chris Rock, Anthony Hopkins action spy comedy gun shots. I may not have chosen it, but sometimes I do enjoy a little, I’m funny and I’m in a ridiculous and dangerous situation, joke, gun shots, joke, “why are you being so hard on me?” “because you’re the only hope we have,” joke, more gun shots, joke, a lot more gun shots, hostage taking, this is no time for jokes, more gun shots, explosions, tense joke, we’re all gonna die, we made it, joke, “you know, you’re all right and we’re friends now” “you have earned my respect,” joke, music swell, credits.

-Bandslam: It was on next. I actually kind of legitimately enjoyed this. Which, aside from O.J. Simpson showing up as a priest (did the impact of that actually hit you when I said it earlier) may be the most surprising thing of the marathon. It wasn’t amazing, and there were a few rough edges on the script, and there was some of that, it’s delightful, you’re an individual in a sea of popular kids who are really losers and your individuality actually makes you cool but in five years you’re gonna be that kid in college where everyone cringes when they raise their hand in film class and then in ten years you’re gonna be that hipster douche going on and on about what you think art is, I mean, what it really is, you know, down the bench from me at the Pig while I’m like, who’s this hipster douche, but you’re still in high school so now you’re secretly cooler than all those other kids thing going on. But it was fairly clever, and fairly funny, and I actually kind of liked it. Weird.

-Spy Game: Robert Redford / Brad Pitt spy movie. Hadn’t seen it since the screening, I think. Not bad.

Then it was back to killing zombies. Not a bad couch, movie, stoned sometimes working on things odyssey. Thank you for letting me recreate it for you. Hopefully this TWiN is working. I realize that things were bad and I fought back with a TWiN and then we get Japan, so maybe I made a mistake. But now there’s a lot less Charlie Sheen, so, you know, maybe it’s working.

Maybe TWiN has defeated Charlie Sheen.

Maybe I’ll start putting that on my resume.

See you next week.

 N.

PS- Go Jayhawks!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Squeeze into them goretex pants, Satan, it's This Week in Nelson, vol. 5, no. 11

Greetings, all.

It’s been quite some time since we’ve gathered here, together, all of us, to peer collectively at my thoughts. We’ve all grown.

“Grown more beautiful,” you say, demure yet devilishly confident.

“Please,” I say, quieting your lips with the gentle placement of my pointer finger. “Let me finish.”

Many of you have pondered at the whereabouts of these thoughts of mine, have longingly eyed your inboxes hoping for a prodigal return, have screamed my name to the heavens as if TWiN had dazzled you with European handsomeness and vengefully marooned you on an interstellar research station with your estranged ladyfriend and son. Your fond remembrances and concerns have been duly noted and thankfully received.

And why wouldn’t you decry a lack of TWiN? In its absence, our world has been rocked by economic turmoil, civil unrest, natural disasters, Tea Partiers and Charlie Sheen.

Naturally, I feel somewhat responsible.

Is it possible that TWiN has been the finger in the faltering dike which holds all worldly evil at bay?

Some might watch the news and reply, “of course.” And the effect on Bill O’Reilly has undoubtedly been hardest of all. The poor man has been forced to become the level-headed moral compass of Fox News without my rhetorical and mildly homoerotic nagging.

The very idea!

I would like to say that I put our time apart to good use. Traveling the Orient in search of ancient blogwriting techniques, penning a Bill O’Reilly one-woman show, finishing my thesis.

Alas, no.

I’d also like to say that I’ve merely been Salingering it up, TWiNning daily and then locking those TWiNs away in a filing cabinet because of my disillusionment with public expectation and critique. Or that I’d been shipwrecked on a lonely island, still writing out my thoughts, but instead of a laptop I’d been forced to commit them to cavewall in an ink I’d developed with crushed berries and my own feces, and that the entirety of these lost TWiNs would soon be released in book form with a pending pilot being developed by JJ Abrams.

Once again, no. Except for my development of a revolutionary new ink substitute, which is all too real and has drawn a surprising amount of interest from Mr. Abrams.

In all honesty, there were three real reasons for TWiN’s lengthy hiatus.

1) Far fewer idle hours on the back porch of the Pig.
2) A feeling like TWiN had grown somewhat beyond my control. That it had come to encompass so many parts and requirements which I was either half-assing, struggling to complete or continually ignoring. In short, it had actually become more like work than something fun, or at least an exercise which left me considering the merits of, “if I don’t really have anything to say, should I say anything at all?”
3) Stu. I don’t know why, exactly, but those of us who know Stu realize that he is perennially, on some level, to blame.

So, much like Superman II, I tried to set aside my duties only to realize the dire need our world has for TWiN, and Charlie Sheen was my less bearded, less stylish General Zod. And as I replace the metaphorical White House roof above your collective heads, I make my promise that this won’t happen again.

TWiN has risen from the ashes, and will once again patrol the skies above, ferreting out evil and tying its weapons into knots.

Will I miss a week here and there?


Will I sometimes have little to say?

Quite possibly.

Will many of your favorite or barely tolerated segments be absent?

Yes, often.

Your new TWiN will be a leaner animal. Swifter. Sleeker. Sharper. Probably still the same percentage of robot parts, but robot parts that more resemble a newly minted Skywalker hand than the cohorts of aliens who plagued our forefathers in America’s supposed golden age. You may see some old TWiN mainstays make appearances here and there, but the new TWiN will be more free-flowing and less bullet-pointed.

If this disappoints you, I apologize. I hope you won’t take to scrawling intricate federalist formulae on a chalkboard while openly weeping and murmuring about how you want your country back.

Would that I could give it to you. Would that it had ever existed at all. If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me.

I will, however, try to give you one thing.


Or, at the very least, some half-formed thought or opinion which you may take, and eat, and think of me. Because words are the tacos of the soul.

It says that in the Bible.

So, what do I have for you today, you ask, those of you for whom two pages of a partially explained absence is not enough.

Two things:

First, because I think they might have been one of my favorite parts of the TWiN gone by (The TWiN is dead, long live the TWiN), the part which is most likely to remain (at least periodically), and because I had a bunch of them still lying around, unused (I believe), I give you:

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--AOf course, the criminal can=t run for long. He=s wearing three pairs of pants.@
--AWhat do you do if you=re a mall cop? Do you kill yourself? Is that the next step? I wouldn=t know how to proceed.@
--AI need to flip the cushion and change my pants.@
--AYour baby has a mohawk and boobs.@
AYour baby=s like a chick from The L Word.@
--“Cooking seafood smells like getting your period on a camping trip.”
--“I knew it! I knew that rebellious guy did something weird to you!”
--“Bread is like us. It wants to live.”
--“It didn’t work. It was like trying to cure gonorrhea by pouring alcohol on your penis. The problem was internal!”
--“You can’t know a man until you know his taste in cartoon women.”

Second, TV.

I like TV. I watch quite a bit. Admittedly, I “watch” a lot of that TV, that is, it’s on and my attention to it is half-hearted and distracted. To Freud it out, in my youth, my parents were often busy and my sister was considerably older than I was, so I spent a lot of time on my own. And while I watched a lot of TV, it was often more of a background, white noise to drown out the quiet of an empty house as I played, or drew, or wrote or just fucked about with whatever little project I was onto at the time. This is a mechanism which I still employ today, and there are a lot of shows I’ll watch while I do other things. Shows which I “watch,” as I’ve already said. But, there’re also shows that I WATCH, that I devote my attention to wholly. Some of them because I just enjoy them, some of them because they’re legitimately excellent, and some for both reasons.

I would like to take a moment to speak about one of these shows which I WATCH watch for both reasons. That show is Fringe.

I just read a little article in Entertainment Weekly which was begging people to watch this show, because it’s excellent, because its ratings have grown sparse (after a big first season, now in its third it was moved to Friday nights, where I Love Lucy would have had trouble putting asses in seats), not enough people are singing its praises, and it’s on Fox (who will a cancel a show because they ate one piece of toast that morning instead of two).

I honestly believe it’s the best thing on TV right now.

It started as a solid, scifi-infused procedural and has grown into something truly exceptional. Looking at its progression, it has the pace of a novel. It consistently builds, both in plot and in emotional, character-driven substance. It will utilize a “monster-of-the-week” convention, but as it moves along you start to see how every one of those monsters fits into the overarching plot and mythology by which the show operates. A mythology which, while it took about a season and a half to completely establish the framework for, ultimately answers as many questions as it poses, and makes sense within the world it creates, not just so far as plot and science are concerned, but with character as well. It continually raises the stakes. It also strikes an excellent balance. It’ll flow from dark and moody to humorous and ridiculous, from bleak to hopeful. These characters are each exceptional, but damaged. They’re confident, but fearful. They find themselves facing increasingly more daunting odds (interdimensional war, the unraveling of existence itself, and familial and romantic love hampered by guilt and regret), and they find themselves questioning morality, and ends and means, and facing Sophie’s Cohoices on both personal and universal (literally) scales. But at their heart they seem to be operating upon an ideal that something better exists in the world, and even if it doesn’t, that they must find a way to make it exist, otherwise, what’s the point?
It also makes continual nods and allusions, both very likely intentionally, and other times I would guess not. Watching it I see facets of The X-Files, and Lost, and Philip K Dick, and Warren Ellis, and Grant Morrison, and Alan Moore, and The Wire, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Shakespeare, and Tolkien, and Battlestar Galactica, and Vonnegut. I see the question of humanity in the modern age, and realizing both the best and worst of what we’re capable of on a myriad of levels, and questioning what limit do we place on that capability? What is justice if it’s tempered by vengeance? What is security if it means the innocent must suffer? Must die? How much is a life worth? How do we determine whether we do something out of love for someone else or out of selfishness? If our actions create unforeseen tragedy, how damning is that to us? How much control do we have over the course of our own lives, and how much do our conscious actions actually affect that course? How far can we bend the natural world before it breaks? Is love all you need?

This show’s like if Oppenheimer and John Lennon had a baby.

And that baby solved mysteries with the help of superscience.

And John Noble is fucking great in it. I love John Noble. And not just because he wore the pimpin-est clothes in all of Middle Earth. And I’ve always loved that Joshua Jackson kid. I was unapologetically Team Pacey. And this thing feels like it’s perfect for him. Everyone’s really good in this show. Anna Torv is great, I just don’t have a previous frame of reference for her. It’s got Lt. Daniels from The Wire!

Seriously, if you don’t watch this show, you need to start. Either jump on some Netflix or itunes or whatever the hell and start catching up, or just jump into it and if you’re confused I’ll Cliff Notes it for you. I would have said more about what happens while I rambled here, but I don’t want to spoil anything for them what don’t want spoiling. There’s ultimately not a lot of characters, and while there’s definitely been stuff going on, there’s not a lot you really need to know to follow what’s happening.

Seriously, if not the best thing on TV right now (for over a year now, I’d say), it’s at least the thing I like the most. It’s the thing I most look forward to WATCHing, and which I most want to see the next episode to, as soon as the episode I just watched has ended.

That’s all I’ve got for now. (4 and a half pages! Damn!)

Tired of having TWiN back already? Hopefully not. Cause I’ll see you back here next week. And many weeks after. Maybe not every one, but possibly even multiple times in the same week?

Who can say? Just as it gives you answers, the TWiN, she asks more questions.

--> N.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, numbers 15-20

Damn it! Another long, long absence without a TWiN. You have my sincerest apologies. Let’s try not to waste time and just go about righting the ship with TWiNny goodness. Here goes:

Birthday shout-out to my uncle Ned, Ethan, Jake, Brad, Trish, Emily and my cats (3 years old!), all belatedly. Also, a happy wedding anniversary shout-out to my parents, and a happy Mother’s Day shout-out to all you moms out there, also belatedly. And, for my one timely shout-out, happy birthday this coming weekend to Margaret! Happy everything to everybody! Whoooooo! To anyone I missed, I apologize. And if I ever miss one of you in my shout-outs, please do let me know. I’m operating off a list I have of birthdays which is likely incomplete, and cannot be fixed without your help. To quote the immortal Sgt. Slaughter, “We all go home or nobody goes home.” Yo Joe!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross (Holy shit! Finally!)
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (still haven’t really started, but it’ll be any day now and I’m really looking forward to it!)

I really like David Cross. I think he’s a funny motherfucker. I liked his book of essays, and some of them I really liked especially well, but I feel like it’s not the same caliber as his stand up and sketch writing. It also follows a consistently similar kind of a pissed off tone and formula, which is: what about this thing? This thing is fucked up. Fuck this thing. So, I felt like I could only read so much at a time without getting a little depressed or angry, despite all the jokes. So, anyway, that’s my take on the David Cross book. I recommend it if you like David Cross, but I warn that it may take a while to get through. Though, probably not as long as it took me.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It was just a glass of pee. Don’t worry. I was probably going to spill it on myself anyway.”
--“She’s the one who made a move on me.”
“You coulda stopped me.”
“Naw. You the one who kept on kept on.”
--“It’s not a vagina-themed restaurant. If it was, there’d be vaginas all over the walls. Yep. That smells like a taco explosion.”
--“You ladies know that now. You don’t go out with that type. Soldier-types with cute hair.”
--“I don’t like any of the puppet things that have been happening recently.”
--“YES! The wind is coming out of the northwest today!”
--“My uncle was struck by lightning. You’d think it would give you superpowers, but now he just masturbates in theaters.”
--“I don’t care if you’re Michael Jackson or Jesus Christ himself, you do NOT molest children.”
--“I don’t taste the beer at all, and I sprayed that puppy DOWN!”
--“When you go skinny-dipping with a girl and she takes her panties off and leaves her bra on, she’s hiding something.”
--“There’s nothing good about the ham game. There’s nothing funny about the ham game. There’s nothing responsible about the ham game.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I think it’s dangerous to refer to people as pinheads. Did Hellraiser teach us nothing? What about Hellbound: Hellraiser 2? Or Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth? Or Hellraiser: Bloodline? Or Hellraiser: Inferno? Or Hellraiser: Resurrection? Or Hellraiser: Hellseeker? Or Hellraiser: Deader? Or Hellraiser: Hellworld? Or Hellraiser: Prophecy?
My point is, Pinheads are meant to be feared and respected, not mocked. Your constant invocation of the mighty Cenobite Pinhead will undoubtedly only expand his power until he can open a new doorway to hell and unleash an army of his brother pain demons, and who’s anus do you think they will choose to be the first to be repeatedly violated by sharp metal instruments? Yours? No, you will be second. First they will come for me! They’re demons! They’ll come for your best friend first and make you watch the torture I endure at their cruel hands, the whole time blaming you for my torment before they turn their malevolent devices on you.
I treasure my anus, Bill. I want it to be left unmolested by the ferocity of pain demons. Please, for me, for my anus, find a less dangerous word to use when putting the uninformed and ill-intentioned in their place. My anus will thank you! And, as you’re already well aware, my anus can be a valuable ally, or, if need be, a ruthless enemy. Don’t push it!
11 May 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A group of female students organized ‘Boobquake Day,’ in which women wore revealing outfits to mock an Iranian cleric’s claim that earthquakes were a divine punishment for immodest dress. A 6.5 magnitude earthquake struck Taiwan on the day of the protest.”

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-No questions. Which I suppose isn’t surprising, considering my sporadic record with answering lately. Anyone have any questions? I’ll try not to take a month to answer them. Probably.

Nelson recommends:
-Iron Man 2. I dug it. I feel like the criticisms I’ve seen that it lost some of the attitude and humanity of the first one in exchange for more explosions and robots is a valid one, but I still feel like it’s a good, fun movie and well better than plenty of other superhero movies. I’m also interested in this movement in the Marvel comics movies toward a unified world is a cool move. I just wonder if the X-Men and Spider-man will get to play, too. It seems like the X-Men franchise was run into the ground and the Spider-man one took a stumble, so maybe it would be good to find a complete balance, but I don’t know. Anyway, it’s cool. Check it out.
-Lost. Loving the last season so much. I’m really gonna hate to see it go, but I doubt I would be loving it so much if it wasn’t rolling like a freight train into the endgame.
-True Crime with Aphrodite Jones. Saira and I love the crime shows. We watch them a lot. And this one is fucking ridiculous. There’s this heavy-handed voiceover that seems to see Aphrodite Jones as the Jesus Christ of crime literature and reporting, and her interviews have more concerned nodding than any hackneyed morning show person could dream of. There was a point where the camera kept cutting back and forth between Jones and her interviewee as they nodded knowingly at each other about a particular fact of a case. One, then the other, then back, then forth, then back. No words. Just nodding. It’s like a comedy sketch. Hilarious.

I realize I’ve been gone a month again, but I’m not going to go on and on about what I’ve been up to. I want to get this in the books and start from scratch next time. Again.

I’ll close, though, with some notices/reminders:
-The Victor Continental Show! We’ve begun writing and production meetings. It’s coming. Prepare yourselves. It’ll be July 23rd and 24th (Friday and Saturday). And again this year we’ll have a final dress open to friends and family on Thursday, July 22nd. If you can’t make it to the actual show, let me know if you can make the Thursday and we can figure something out. Tickets go on sale in late June. Get ready.
-My birthday. I turn 31 on June 1st. It’s a Tuesday. I’ll probably do something that night, which I’ll figure out later, but Tuesdays aren’t really optimal for partying. So, I’ll be doing something on Saturday night, June 5th. Save the date. Details to come later.

That’s it. See you next week!

–> N.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 11, 12, 13 & 14

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Late again. Sorry. There was a lot going on. But, I’ll try to make this one extra-sized to make up for it. Let’s do it!

Birthday shout-out to Mick and my uncle Steve! Happy birthday! If I missed you over the last few weeks, sorry, and happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (still haven’t really started)
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross (almost done!)
-Finished rereading 100 Bullets by, Brian Azzarello

100 Bullets is good. It’s a fun story with a lot of cool parts and characters, and it holds together well reading it all at once. However, I do feel a little like the end gets slightly rushed, and maybe even the slightest bit muddled. The ending is still solid, it just feels like it doesn’t quite reach the crescendo that it ought to have. I don’t know. I’d still recommend it, because it’s still a great read, but I don’t think it’s one of the greats.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Okay, everybody! It’s time to say goodbye to our magic ball friends!”
“Nothing. I was being the demon’s testicle. Hey girl.”
--“Ewwwwwww! It’s my dad! And he’s throwing free throws!”
--“You know, if you were CBS, I might just rape you.”
--“How does that feel?”
“Not good. And, who will sire your children now?”
“I’ll just have to do it myself.”
“But you can’t produce semen.”
“You can’t produce semen! Cause I blew your dick off! With a grenade! Don’t try to turn these tables! (Makes record scratching sounds) I’m Nelson. I’m a shitty DJ. Goddamn it, Louisville!”
--“My motto is: As I live and learn, dig and be dug, in return.”
--“She’s all like, ‘He’s just eating pancakes. He’s just eating pancakes.’ She’s just, like, you know, uh, a whore. That’s whore talk, Jerry.”
--“When you’re tied to a bungee cord, Larry, timing is everything.”
--“Just remember, if your not riding the edge of a cliff, your not living as life begins @ 120 mph, right?” (sic)
--“I’m neck deep in love and my eyes are popping out!”
--“Why go to school? Why? When I be droppin’ it down low like I can, bitch. Right here.”
--“Uh oh! Someone fudged the bucket bed! And the only way you can help is to bring me the Vaseline. Now! Now! Achtung!”
--“You know what love is Christina? A Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Can we get one?”
“Not on your life, John Michael! You’ll eat tempe and you’ll like it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
You know, with everyone arguing about health care, there’s a question that keeps gnawing at me:
If a stripper falls off a pole while she’s working, does she deserve worker’s comp?
I mean, there’s a lot of factors, right? Is the pole made of solid material and properly installed? Is it sufficiently lubricated but not overly slippery? Has the stripper had too much cocaine? Or not enough? Was their audience interference? Is there a crocodile pit beneath the pole? What specific breed of crocodile? Is there a good buffet at the strip club?
So many questions!
25 March 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Eh. Nothing particularly interesting. Sorry.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-I got no questions. At least not that I could remember or find.

Nelson recommends:
-Not getting behind on TWiN. Cause it becomes more daunting to catch up, which just makes it later and later. Everyone else out there writing TWiNs, heed me! It’s a bunch of crazy re-edited Star Trek: The Next Generation scenes that Emily and Gaus sent me the link to. I haven’t watched all of it yet, but it’s funny stuff, especially if you like the Star Trek.

Yes, yes. I dropped a few of the standard things from the TWiN lineup. It just seemed easier to me to have a few less required spaces to fill. I don’t think overall content will suffer, there’ll just be more of a jumble toward the back end of things. Which is what she said. So, what’s been up the last several weeks?

–> The weather! Aside from that freak spring break snowstorm, the weather has been fucking gorgeous. 50's-low 80's. Perfect, perfect weather. The cats have been hanging out on our balcony, loving the fresh air. Good stuff!
–> St. Patrick’s Day. Good times! Went downtown and got drunk, then we had a bunch of people over for a feast that Saira prepared. There was Guinness stew, mustard mashed potatoes, colcannon, baked mac and cheese, soda bread, mock mincemeat pie, caramel cranberry almond tart, and apple shortbread pie. So good!
–> Fantasy baseball started. Had my draft about a week and a half ago, which I was woefully unprepared for, but which seemed to go all right. And Saira made a fantastic chicken pot pie with sweet potato crust and a blueberry pie which I brought with me, both of which were phenomenal and devoured with reckless abandon.
–> The worst spring break ever! March 20 will forever be a dark day for us. In the morning Saira’s sweet little cockatiel Clytemnestra died from a rare neuromuscular disorder and in the afternoon KU lost in the second round of the NCAA tournament with one of the best teams I’ve ever seen them have. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Clytemnestra was only a couple years old (cockatiels live into their 20's, generally), and she was so friendly and playful, and adorably clumsy. She always ran right to the door of her cage when you came in the room wanting to hang out, and she was always liked meeting new people. We’re going to miss her forever. And then, on that Monday morning, Saira’s childhood dog, Lenny had to be put down. He’d been having problems earlier in the week, but it had looked like he’d make a recovery. Then, by the end of the weekend he was gone, too, and he was such a cute, fluffy, sweet little guy. That whole weekend was just one big kick in the junk from the world. Awful. Just awful. Honestly, I’m still not over any of it, and I encourage all of you to pour some liquor for our three loved ones who were taken too soon. Man, now I’m depressed. Got to try to get positive here before the end.
–> There’s less of me! Living with Saira and having her fix me so much delicious food, a lot of which is actually really healthy, was making me lose weight. And, over the last month or so, I’ve been using an iphone app to track my eating and exercise to lose even more weight. The result is, from my birthday last year (which is the last time I’d weighed myself before a month or so ago, I’ve lost about 46 pounds. Huzzah! Also, finally got a haircut and trimmed my beard a little (don’t worry. It’s still plenty long and luxurious, just a bit more kempt).
–> Saira also made the greatest curry I’ve ever had a week or so again. It was fierce delicious. And an orange cream and strawberry tart, which was also mighty. And in there somewhere she made a strawberry rhubarb pie and a strawberry & blueberry pie, both of which were fantastic. So much delicious food! So much pie! Seriously, eat less meat, eat more pie. It’s my new diet plan.
–> Watched an insane Syfy movie called Dinoshark. So epic in its badness and ridiculousness. If you like terrible movies, check it out. It will blow your mind with shittiness!
–> Banjo Kazooie! With our internetz finally sorted, I was able to get the Xbox Live running and downloaded one of my favorite games (Banjo Kazooie), which I’ve been playing ever since (when there’s time). Love me that bear bird action. On a side note, we’ve got functioning Xbox Live for at least a couple more weeks (had a month-long free trial. Probably won’t pay for it when that runs out, at least for a while), and could possibly be available at some point to play online with other peoples. Let me know if you’re interested.
–> Easter (or Zombie Jesus Day). I played a bunch of boccee ball at my parent’s house, and then I hid eggs around the apartment for Saira filled with various things she needed or markers to redeem for things that didn’t fit in eggs. It was a lot of fun, and something I plan to make a tradition.
–> The most majestic fucking thing ever! Saira and I had headed down to Burcham (sp?) Park by the river on her lunch break a few days back, and a bald eagle swooped down out of nowhere and snatched a fish out of the river, then he perched in a nearby tree and ate his lunch. It was epic as all hell. Seriously, bald eagles are the pimps of the sky.
–> Donovan McNabb going to the Redskins? I’ll take it, sure. Works for me.
–> This one has less to do with me, but Saira took part in a week long poetry reading and is now in the Guinness Book of World Records. Unfortunately it was on Easter and I had to miss it, so honestly my only involvement is jealousy and pride, but still, it’s pretty cool.

I’m sure I’m leaving a lot out (especially a lot of the delicious food Saira made me and the other awesome things she does that don’t even involve food), but that’s all I remember and it feels like enough for now.

R.I.P. Clytemnestra, Lenny and KU Basketball ‘09-‘10.

See you next week.

–> N.

PS- Just FYI, my birthday is just down the road a piece (June 1st) and Saira and I are starting to plan a little party the following Saturday. So, keep Saturday, June 5th open. Details to come in further TWiNs.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 9 & 10

Huzzah! Only two weeks since the last TWiN! The dream is still alive! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Birthday shout-out to Ashley!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Started rereading 100 Bullets by, Brian Azzarello

Been wanting to reread 100 Bullets since it wrapped up awhile back. I always liked it, but I felt pretty lost reading it episodically, cause it’s crazy. But reading it all at once it holds together pretty damn well, and it’s a lot of fun. If you like fucked up noirish crime conspiracy stories with lots of gunplay, check it out.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“If he hits half a rock here he may squeeze one out.”
--“I’m going to have to wear pants if I’m going to see the bird.”
--“I’m sorry I didn’t know that your bad child had died while your good child was growing. I want you to move in with us.”
--“Is the rag and bone man here, yet?”
--“No! Over the course of a regular day I do stuff. Stuff that would make pencils fall out of beards.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I recently came across this ad on craigslist:
“Untraditional Relationship - w4mm - 30
I am going to be honest what I am looking for is sort of a weird request. I am looking for 2 or more men that are looking for a woman that loves to cook and clean...and enjoys being with different men...I have a problem with being faithful, I do not try to stray it just seems to happen! So what I am looking for is a group of men that would like to share me. I am a 30 yr old white female that has children....that would love to be in a committed relationship with these men. I know it seems hipocritical that I want these men to be committed when I want multiple men, but if you think about are getting the best of both worlds...I cook your food, make your lunches, clean your house....and care for your needs sexually.....but you don't have to deal with me everyday..b/c I am busy doing the same thing for the others...
I would love to try this with friends...people that would be comfortable with the other men using their girlfriend....(yea I know it sounds weird coming from a girl). Also I am a country girl born and if you are country...please please hit me up...Pictures get 1st responses... If you are interested please put "The best of times" in the subject line.
I am a bigger girl...but I can please my man to the fullest extent of the word.”
So, should we get in on this action, or what?
11 March 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The Virginia House of Delegates voted to make it illegal to implant microchips in people without their permission. Republican Delegate Mark L. Cole said chips might be someday used as the ‘mark of the beast’ described in the Book of Revelation. The Georgia Senate recently passed a similar ban.” (Damn, Virginia. I’m proud to be from you, but sometimes you don’t make it easy)
-“68 percent of New York City residents in a recent survey said they’d overheard a neighbor having sex. ‘It’s like a train wreck— you have to stop what you’re doing and listen, even if it’s awful,’ said Melissa Buck, 29, of Manhattan.”
-“In moderation, beer can be a health-food drink that builds strong bones. University of California researchers have found that beer is a rich source of silicon, which increases bone mineral density and helps prevent osteoporosis. The food scientists tested 100 commercial beers for silicon content, and found that beers containing high levels of malted barley and hops are richest in silicon. Pale ales had the highest levels, while light lagers and wheat beers had the lowest.”
-“Typos are earning Google $497 million a year. About 68 million people a day mistype the names of highly trafficked websites, landing on bogus sites (called ‘typosquatters’) to which Google supplies ads, thereby hauling in a fortune.”
-“German luger David Moeller broke his tooth when photographers asked him to take a bite of his silver medal.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I’m sick. I’ve been coughing stuff up the last few days. It sucks.
-AT&T. I had to deal with them for a month now, on the phone for hours, getting disconnected and not called back, getting tossed between departments, being told things that aren’t true, not told other important information, having people not show up, having accounts lost, getting very few apologies and no real help. Those people are a nightmare.
-Pet dander. Saira’s allergies have been going crazy lately. It sucks, too. Rarrgh. That’s the sound of my sadness and latent lycanthropy.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! She’s perfect. I’m looking forward to next week when she’s on spring break. We’ll have time for all kinds of stuff. Like seeing a movie. And robbing a bank. Which the movie will be a nice little alibi for.
-KU Basketball. She’s coming on, boys. She’s coming on strong.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Watched a couple Lady Gaga videos the other night. That chick is batshit insane.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Thank you for addressing my Beard Phone question. I've done some poking around, and I think with appropriate beard growth ratios and beard returns they were most interested. I think with appropriate beard dividends you can start beard production any beard week now. Katie Holmes seemed most anxious. Anyways, i've another question of a personal nature: Do Scrubbing Bubbles have souls? I was watching a very short documentary (only 30seconds!) on them, and while I watch them fall down the drain, looking at the camera with their big doe eyes, I worried about their inevitable death. It does look like they have mouths, and i think they eat soap scum and grime but they can't live for ever. Is my drain littered with the decaying corpses of millions of these poor bastards? Is my shower drain haunted? Should I call in TAPS? (The Atlantic Paranormal Society)
Or worse yet: Do they not die, and I've got a huge scrubbing bubble population growing under my feet? Or what if they become something in between, horrifically changing by the unnatural combination of my Old Spice body wash and hydrating conditioner needed to keep my chest hairs fluffy? Scrubbing Bubble Zombies? Is this how Dawn of the Dead started?
Obviously you can understand my fears, or both a spiritual nature and a physical one. I've stuffed hand towels down my drain for the time being, but I am unfortunately starting to smell a little... off. Your advise would be much appreciated:
--Scared Stinkin in Lawrence
-Katie Holmes, huh? You should probably keep my name out of any dealings with her until the check is cashed. There’s a prior legal situation there which is still not entirely settled (civil suit still pending). To answer your other questions, yes, Scrubbing Bubbles have souls. No, they are extremely biodegradable. No, Scrubbing Bubbles lack the strength of will to remain within the mortal coil postmortem. No, they die. A Scrubbing Bubble, once exposed to air, will consume grime, then take a nap, then watch you take a shower and masturbate, and then die. There is no credible scientific evidence drawing a correlation between Old Spice body wash and zombieism, though in all fairness, only a handful of studies have been performed as of now. Just pour a little cheap whiskey down the drain after showering for antiseptic purposes. You should be fine.

Nelson recommends:
-I Not Stupid. It’s a TV show from Singapore. It’s crazy. Check it out.
-100 Bullets. Like I said in the book section. It’s the goods.

So, I’ve been thinking lately, and I’ve realized something that I believe in very firmly and devoutly. It’s not something I think about on a daily basis, but it’s there, every time I feel lost, or scared, or unsure of myself. It makes me feel that everything’s all right, and that I can handle anything that the world might throw at me. I believe that when Pat Morita died, only his mortal shell was lost. I believe that at that time only Mr. Miyagi remained, and that now he walks the Earth, healing the lame and teaching them karate. Will I ever see him? Perhaps. Perhaps if my need is great enough, and my spirit pure. But I have hope. I have hope, and I want you all to have hope too. That’s why I share this belief with you. Let it be a comfort in dark times.

And with that, I leave you. See you next week, brothers and sisters in Miyagi. See you next week.

–> N.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 5, 6, 7 & 8

Yeah, yeah. Late again. I am shamed. I’ve been busy, though. Working for a living. Taking what they’re giving. Taking what they’re giving cause I’m working for a living. Whoa-oh. Yeah. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway, let’s try this doing things more regularly again, but this time without fucking it up.

Birthday shout-out to Saira’s mom, grandpa, and cousin! And to Becca and Gus! And to Gaus! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Finished rereading The Two Towers by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread Return of the King by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread The Silmarillion by, J.R.R. Tolkien

Tolkien, Tolkien, Tolkien, yeah!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Immigrants! That’s how they do, you know. Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.”
--“A solitary bean on a fake marble counter top is so sad.”
--“I had knee surgery.”
“Oh! I better not touch it.”
“No, it’s fine. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
“No! If I touch it, I might have to have knee surgery too!”
--“I can’t keep holding you if you won’t stop screaming.”
--“I need to tell her what time it is. You know. That I’m gay.”
--“It’s great doing this. I remember releasing, and then I remember getting, just, SLAMMED in the face by one of those balls. That was a nice shot, Lace. You’re a stud.”
--“We need to go back to those pissant vulcanologists.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Are you friends with Steve Wilkos? Cause, you both have TV shows, and you’re both big and strong, and you both help people. And you were both former bodyguards on Springer.
So, do you guys hang out a lot? Do you go fishing? Can I come? I’ll even bait the hooks and clean the fish. And whichever one of you catches more fish, I’ll totally reward them (you) with a kiss! I’ll also bring the beer and pretzel chips! And, of course, the STRING CHEESE! (Wink!) LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!
Smell you later, bro!
17 February 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Damn, fucked up the news again. Sorry. Next time?

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Commercials. Most of them. Tired of them. Ugh.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! She makes the most delicious foods. She’s been experimenting with making pizzas from scratch and taking them in interesting directions, like Thai Curry pizza with peanut sauce instead of tomato. So good!
-Lost. Feels like she’s finishing strong. It’s really the only show I still absolutely care about and can’t wait to see.
-KU Basketball. Rolling through the Big 12. And, I got to go see both the Iowa State and Colorado games at the Fieldhouse with Saira and her family, which was crazy awesome. I’d never seen a men’s game at the Fieldhouse before, so it was extra sweet. However, this Oklahoma State game is really pissing me off.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The opening ceremony for the Olympics, and men’s figure skating.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So I had a sudden flash of inspiration while driving home: Beard phone!
The idea is essentially you shove a specially contoured phone into your beard, which has a microphone by the mouth and earpiece close to the ear all cleverly concealed in your beard! It’s simplicity at its best, and you could even construct faux beards for the beard-impaired so they can enjoy it as well.
So the real question of this is: Why haven’t you patented and marketed this? I can’t help but assume you’ve already thought of this and worked it through. What’s holding back this phone/beard revolution?”
-I’m just waiting on some investment capital to build the prototypes. You got a few grand laying around you want to invest in beard phones? Anybody?

Nelson recommends:
-Morningstar Farms Bacon. It’s fake bacon, but it’s the goods.

Saw Wolfman. Not really a good movie, per se, but it looks beautiful, there’s wolfmans going on killing sprees, and it’s balls out insane. So, I enjoyed it.
Been watching a shitload of Olympics. Curling, that’s a good game. Saira and I want to take up curling. For reals.

Okay, I gotta watch the end of this shitstorm of a basketball game and go pick up Saira from work, so I’m out.

See you next week.

–> N.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 3 number 51 & 52 and vol. 4 number 1, 2, 3 & 4

Why, hello there. It’s been a long time. A long, long time. I was busy. What with the moving, Christmas, life, blah, blah, blah thing. Many of you have written and phoned, wondering what the fuck was going on. Wondering if this was the end of TWiN as we know it. As we love it. As we need it. I assure you this is not so. Are we back? Yes. Are we better than ever? Not really. Will we be meeting regularly again after this? Yes, we will. Though, I’ll be totally honest. This Week in Nelson may well start being more These Weeks in Nelson, coming every two weeks instead of every week, but I’ll do my best to keep to my every week mission statement. And I’ll do my absolute best not to let it go longer than two weeks again. There you have it. Our oaths are renewed. You’ve waited long enough, so here we go. This week we’ve got a lot of catching up to do!

Birthday shout-out to my mom, Jesus, Jen, Sam, Chris Shaw, Gary, Stange, Aaron, my dad and Hilary! Most of them belated, but better late than never! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut (finally!)
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (To be honest, I never really began.)
-Finished reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Reread The Hobbit by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread The Fellowship of the Ring by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Started rereading The Two Towers by, J.R.R. Tolkien

Saira had the idea to reread The Lord of the Rings over winter break, which I thought was a good idea, too (though I also decided to start with The Hobbit). So, that’s what I’ve been doing, reading-wise, for the most part. I hadn’t read them in, I’m guessing, 17-18 years. Love those books. Don’t know why it’s taken me so long to come back to them. They’re fucking great.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m taking this dress off. It’s covered in blood and urine.”
--“That robot handyman is having a good time.”
--“You wouldn’t expect there to be a drug culture in the opera scene, but there’s a crazy drug culture in the opera scene.”
--“All my life I’ve been looking for a woman with plain hair, a strong jaw and a personality to match.”
--“They’ve been acting really weird. It makes me wonder why they’ve been pooping so much. It makes me wonder why they’ve been pooping so much LATELY.”
--“So, you bought your 10-year-old son a gun AND a crossbow?”
“No!!! Grandma bought him the crossbow.”
(Grandma nods while checking the prime rib.)
--“Did you hear me say I don’t like German people or the Japanese? I didn’t in any way say that. I like them the same as Irish people. And most Mexicans.”
--“Are there any other straight girls who like big boobs? . . . I read a summary of Hitler’s sex life (in a book full of such summaries) that . . . but what those two pigeons did was certainly awful . . . It was more like vegetable oil than it was like, say, coconut milk . . .”
--“Fisting!? Oh, wait, no. I read that wrong. It says ‘The Mighty Ducks.’”
--“2 approaches to poundage progression, and how to make sure the gains keep coming for a long time.”
--“We might need to take another picture after I get this all juicy.”
--“‘yes, ‘tis magic, lad,’ the old man rasped, ‘pirate magic.’”
--“I wish my feet were boners. I would do you so hard right now.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I do not sleep.
I wait.
See you soon!
14 January 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Man, way behind on news. I’m just gonna skip it and start fresh next time.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Eh, I’m good. There was some insane cold awhile back that I was both mad at and soon tired of, but that wrapped up a couple weeks ago, at least.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! For a million reasons, but to name the most recent one, she even makes spending time in Great Bend, Kansas fun. And, she’s made, like, a dozen pies since we moved in together. Love her, love her, love her.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-I had all kinds of stuff for this, but I’m afraid that the delay in TWiN caused me to lose them, or lose track of which ones I might have mentioned before, so I’m just going to start fresh with this section next time, too.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Really, the only questions I got over all that time we were apart were about where TWiN was. It’s right here. Questions answered.

Nelson recommends:
-New Super Mario Bros. Wii. That’s a fun game, and it’s really fun with multiplayer.
-Scotland Yard. It’s a board game. It’s fucking sweet.
-The Lord of the Rings by, J.R.R. Tolkien. Seriously, if you’ve never read them, you really ought to. They’re fantastic.

So, a lot has happened since last we spoke. I’ll try for a quick recap:
-Saira and I moved into our new apartment in Village Square together. It’s a nice place. And Saira keeps us in hot and cold running pie, which is great. There’s been pecan, cranberry chess, key lime, cherry, citrus chiffon, apple cinnamon crumble, apple pandowdy and blueberry, and several of those there’s been two or more of. So much pie!
-Christmas happened. Got some books and money, mostly, from the family. Saira gave me a bunch of sweet stuff, but the sweetest was a build-your-own voice-activated robot. His name is Mini-Vox. The cats aren’t sure what to think of him. He is the future, and the future is now.
-Got an Xbox 360, which is sweet. Saira and I have been playing mad video games. Mostly GTA4, Left 4 Dead 2, Fallout 3 and NCAA Basketball 10. Nothing original, I guess, but all of it awesome.
-There was a shit-ton of snow. It was pretty awesome. I love snow. And it was nice to see that my car can handle its business in some fairly serious snow.
-New Years. Drinking. Yeah!
-KU basketball, barring the Tennessee game, have been looking pretty awesome. Especially that last game against Missouri.
-Got to see Willie and Stu over the holidays, which was great. Always good to catch up with friends.
-We got a couple digital 3-D-capable projectors at work, which is cool. Did I mention that before? I don’t even remember. Saira and I are planning on seeing Avatar in 3-D soon. We haven’t had a chance yet. But soon!
-Saira and I started our last semesters at KU. She much more than I
-Saira and I celebrated our six-month anniversary by taking an overnight trip to Great Bend (she had business there). In fact, we just got back from that a couple hours ago. She’s napping now. Great Bend? Not bad. Much better, I’m sure, for having been there with Saira. There’s apparently a chain of Mexican places in Western Kansas called La Fiesta which look a lot like El Mezcal, and the one in Great Bend has phenomenal food. If you find yourself there, check it out. Also, the breakfast buffet in the Highland Hotel and Convention Center? Not bad. Not bad at all.
-We followed it up with a trip to Eagles Day here in Lawrence. It’s pretty cool. They’ve got eagles and hawks and owls hanging out at Free State High School. It was pretty cool to see a bald eagle up close. They’re majestic as all hell.
-I haven’t trimmed my beard since the last TWiN, so it is full and magnificent, and will soon rule above us all with a terrifying, beardy fist.

I’m sure there was more than that, but that’s all I’ve got for you now.

See you next week. Ish. Hopefully.

–> N.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 49 & 50

Yes, yes. Running behind again. By more than a week again. I’ve been busy. It’s a busy time of year. Blah, blah, blah. Seriously, though, it’s finals for Saira, we’re moving this Friday and Christmas is next Friday. So, let’s get down to business and postpone this no longer. This week we’ve got to get moving, so:

Birthday shout-out to Jason, Bella, Melissa and Kathryn! Hell yeah, birthdays!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I’m also still reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer
-Started reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“We should build a candy cane sex cage for the snowmen in our yard, too.”
--“With all due respect, a man who pierces the skull of another man with a golden snake is not a common thief, sir.”
--“I’m delirious with ass pain!”
--“Remington paid his court costs, abandoned his attempt to get rich raising sheep, and moved farther west.”
--“Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a good dangle every now and then.”
--“He’s corking your corncob pipe!”
--“Well, I don’t suppose there are too many of us left who look upon soup as having sex appeal, but I still do. I always will.”
--“I don’t know. Why are you asking me questions? I don’t know things. And I don’t make things. I just make things better.”
--“Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding’s just one more day in my life I can’t wear sweat pants.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Pictured here is a kitten wearing a frog hat. Sorry it was difficult to recreate here)
15 December 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing particularly interesting. At least, nothing worth typing up here.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Nothing, really. Kind of cold, I guess. And I don’t like moving, but I’m really happy to be moving in with Saira, so I don’t mind so much.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Zoo World! Saira got me addicted to this facebook game where you own a zoo and I can’t stop. Check it out, it’s fun. Or at least just make a zoo so I can visit it and make money. Please.
-Denver Broncos. Still looking playoffs bound. If only they hadn’t inexplicably dropped that game to the Redskins, they’d be on top of the division still, too. And the Redskins have actually been looking like a decent team who can score points and everything.
-KU Basketball. Looking pretty fucking good. Looking a little like championship good.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Nelson recommends:
-Zoo World! Seriously, go make a zoo. Right now. I’ll wait.
-Snyder’s of Hanover Hershey’s Chocolate-dipped pretzels. Holy fuck, they changed my fucking life. So good!

So, yeah. I’m calling it.

See you next week.

–> N.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 47 & 48

Sorry for the whole running late, double week thing. But, you do get the second week earlier than usual, so deal with it. I got a little busy with the holidays, and having the internet die at my house a week ago didn’t help. So, belatedly happy Thanksgiving! This week we’ve got a bunch of food in me, a bunch of quotes, some crazy dance videos, a high recommendation (not that kind of high. particularly, anyway), double O’Reilly letters, and the announcement that Saira and I got engaged. That’s right. Boom! Engaged! Very happy! I love her like mad, so let’s knock this thing out so I can go hang out with her and be all engaged and stuff.

Birthday shout-out to Emily, Neuty, Devin, Kevin, and Keri and Polli’s grandma, belatedly! Birth shout-out to Teddy Gaus! Huzzah! Impending birthday shout-out to Roady, Pat and Gilmore! Big dog birthday ups to you all! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb
-Started reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I also started reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer

I highly recommend I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President! It’s about a 12-year-old evil genius secretly running a multi-billion dollar criminal empire who wants to be 8th grade class president to spite his father, and it’s written by one of the writers for the Daily Show. And it’s one hell of a lot of fun. Possibly even two hells of a lot of fun. I don’t know. The math is beyond me. Seriously, though, highest possible recommendation!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face . . . My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”
--“Let me see your nostrils, bird!”
--“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.”
--“Don’t feel bad. If I’d been at that pool party I’d have done the same thing.”
--“My dick again? That’s weird!
--“We’re not gonna have fun tomorrow.
We’ll have fun!
No we won’t! Not unless we dose Grandpa!”
--“I don’t think I could hide a hotdog.”
--“I would never bone three birds and stuff ‘em together.”
--“Three kinds of meat in your mouth at once, that’s pretty fast.”
--“He punches me until I prostitute.”
--“What else does jizz go with?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What means America to me:
1) Macaroni and Cheese
2) Blueberry pie (apple is overrated, and she’s had it too good for too long)
3) Firing a handgun
4) Rice Krispies Treats
5) Firing a handgun in public
6) Chocolate and peanut butter
7) Having consensual sex
8) Firing a handgun in public at a human target
9) PBR
10) Bill O’Reilly
Roll on, brother. Roll on.
25 November 2009"
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’m totally getting married! And I want you to attend! And be a groomsman!
Please say yes! Please say yes! Please say yes!
Married! Married! Married! Married! MARRIED!
Please be my groomsman. More details to follow.
29 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Florida’s Brevard County voted to exclude horses from its pooper-scooper law. ‘To stop a 1,000-pound animal, get off, hold it while you try and put the poop in a bag is just not a good idea,’ horse owner Wanetta Dyer told commissioners.” (Still, what about all the horse poop?)
-“The St. Louis Zoo responded to the death of several polar bears by installing a family of electronic polar bears in its empty polar bear display.” (I don’t know how I feel about this. I feel that robot bears should be in sketch comedy or playing country tunes, but that’s it)
-“The Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Ill., began selling necklace pendants and Christmas ornaments made from dried reindeer dung. ‘It may be silly,’ said zoo spokeswoman Susie Ohley, ‘but it not only brings in money and support for the zoo, it brings people smiles.’”
-“A hotel in Nantes, France, opened a ‘Hamster Villa’ suite, where for $148 a night, guests can feast on hamster grain, get a workout by running on a giant wheel, and sleep in haystacks. ‘Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small,’ said owner Yann Falquerho.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-KU football. That was one of the worst managed last three minutes of a game I’ve ever seen against Missouri. I was on the fence about what to do with Mangino at the end of the season, but now I’m really leaning toward dropping him. That was fucking ridiculous.
-College football in general. Once again we near the end of a season without being ranked in the top 2, so the whole thing is about to become rather pointless.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! My wife to be! Huzzah!
-Saira’s pie! She baked a bunch of pie this last week for the holidays. So delicious!
-Thanksgiving and Friends Thanksgivings. I’m full of foods.
-KU Basketball! Goddamn we look good.
-The Broncos monkeystomping the Giants.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Steve Wilkos’s face when a dude said he wanted to punch him. Scary! Do not suggest to Steve Wilkos that you want to punch him!

Dan was working overtime on the video suggestions this week. Big dog ups to Dan, and his apparent obsession with Alfonso Ribeiro/Carlton Banks! And make sure you check out that Hovind theory creationist science insanity. Saira found that and it is hilarious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing this week. Sorry.

Nelson recommends:
-I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb. As stated in the book section. I want you to read it badly enough to recommend it twice in one TWiN! Read it!
-The Investigation Discovery channel. It’s all crazy true crime shit, with re-enactments and all that. Deadly Women is especially good. And fucked up. Check it out if you’ve got that kind of cable.
-Scribblenauts. If you have a DS, check this game out. It’s fun as hell.
-Noodles and Company! They have noodles there and you eat them! I love it!

Well, I think I’ve accomplished enough for these two weeks, what with the Thanksgiving and the getting engaged and all, so I’m wrapping this up.

See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 46

Howdy. This week we’ve got my 25th email to O’Reilly (huzzah!), me finishing a book!, not enough quotes, a warning to rail travelers in India and crunchiness!

Birthday shout-out to nobody still? Anybody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Started reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb

The Chabon really is good. And it gave me an idea for a short story I’m now working on. So, double bonus. Perhaps, if you’re really good, I’ll let you read said story when it’s finished. But, in the meantime, you should read the Chabon now.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It took a woman to bring this man and elephant together.”
--“You think not eating cat food is putting on airs?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
(I sent him the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s Paparrazi this week, which for some reason wouldn’t paste into here. Feel free to look them up if you’re unfamiliar. They’re creepy)
19 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“India’s Northern Railway hired 36 boxers and wrestlers to collect tickets, and to make sure that ticketless passengers pay the fare andd a fine to remain onboard. ‘There is absolutely no intimidation involved,’ said a company spokesman.”(It would appear theat the writer of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was something of a prophet)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-12th Street being closed on campus. I don’t know why you need it closed to complete your Babelonian hotel, people, but get your heads in the game.
-The Broncos losing to the Redskins. I always hate it when my two teams play outside of the Superbowl, but I hate it more when one of them is way out of contention and the other is deep in the hunt and the team who the win will do nothing for is the team to win it. That is my definition of a pyrrhic victory.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ll have been together four months on Saturday. Huzzah! Can’t wait till we’re living together in our own place.
-Zack Greinke winning the Cy Young, and by a resounding margin. That guy had a fantastic year, even with the rest of the team holding him back, and it’s nice to see the shitty, smaller market team player recognized. Go Royal(s)!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-This week was not so odd. Although I did watch Jack Frost (the horror movie, not the Michael Keaton one) again for the first time in years. That movie’s pretty odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, here's the thing. I bought a box of Crunchberries, and on the front it says "Crunch-a-tize me, Cap'n!" I would like to know what I have to do to be Crunch-a-tized. Does someone have to nominate me? Do I have to perform an act of valor? Is it something that's only awarded posthumously? (If so, I don't think I'm interested). Or am I completely off base here? Maybe the Crunch-a-tization process is an organic one. Something that occurs in nature. Perhaps like a chemical reaction, or a genetic mutation that will prepare one to enter the next stage of human evolution. If this is the case, then what the fuck does Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch (Ret.)? Can you set me straight?
-The Crunch-a-tization process, on a physical level, is like the end of Superman 3 when that woman gets turned into a robot. But crunchier. However, on a mental level it’s more similar to that scene in Superman 3 where Superman battles with a corporeal manifestation of his own dark side. But crunchier. It’s a hard life, and shouldn’t be entered into lightly, but many who have undergone Crunch-a-tization and survived will tell you that it’s worth it. To be considered as a candidate for Crunch-a-tization, simply send a copy of your current resume, five letters of recommendation, and a 2,000 word essay detailing your desire and qualifications for Crunch-a-tization to the Royal Crunch Institute of Northern Corpusty, U.K. You can feel free to use me as one of those references. I already have a form Crunch-a-tization recommendation letter saved on my computer. It’ll take, literally, minutes to personalize it. And, not to brag, but, my name does carry a bit of weight with the Crunchies (as those members of the Institute are colloquially referred to). Of course, there is a second meaning to consider. To be Crunch-a-tized, sexually, involves the insertion of Crunchberries, milk optional, into the anus and the subsequent consumption of said anal berries by a consenting sexual partner. If this is the meaning you’re referring to, than I can’t really offer any advice as to whether you should pursue an activity of this nature. Such a thing would be between you, the Cap’n himself, your goodly wife, and your God. But crunchier. Good luck!

Nelson recommends:
-I saw 2012 last week. Everything exploded! Everything! And John Cusack, regardless of vehicle size, condition, or handling, or the presence of earthly fissure or lava, is an excellent driver! And Woody Harrelson loves pickles! I would recommend seeing it if you want to see everything explode and Woody Harrelson eat pickles. If you don’t, then a little part of me wonders why you read TWiN, but I still value your patronage.

I was listening to some news on the radio and there was a guy who predicts technological cultural trends (apparently fairly accurately) on, and he was predicting that online retailers and electronic readers were going to render bookstores obsolete in the next 10-20 years. He felt that smaller independent bookstores would be vanishing en masse within five years, and that the larger chains would begin to disappear in their non-electronic forms soon after that. The idea of that kind of bummed me out. Admittedly, I make most of my book purchases on Amazon and those that I don’t I make on other internet sites or the large chain stores. But I do like bookstores. I always have. It is a medium where physical browsing can be very useful and rewarding. Especially when I buy poetry, I like to flip throught the book and read a few poems before I commit. Which just isn’t the same on the internet. And I don’t know if I like the idea of moving toward a system where we read everything electronically. I just like books in every way. Books are the goods. I think the idea of the electronic readers is fine, and it interests me as a second option, or a way to keep one’s bookshelves a little less cluttered, or to take multiple books on the go. But I want it both ways. I don’t know if I’m actually making much of a point here. It was just something on my mind.

Anyway, that’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 45

Welcome back. I missed you. This week we’ve got actual reading being accomplished, an unprovoked attack on Plato’s Closet, Chiropteraic fellatio, further colonic counsel, alien invaders and quite possibly the most important question I’ve ever asked O’Reilly.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

I’ve actually almost finished reading the Chabon book. It’s good stuff. Essays and all that. I just like the cut of that guy’s gib. I feel like he’s one of the people who’s taught me the most as a writer. It’s also nice to really read a book again. After two and a half years of pretty prolific reading I guess I needed a break those last few months, but it’s still good to be back on the old book horse, trotting slowly back into Booktown to meet with the Mayor, Bartholomew P. Bookington about books and book related matters over steaming hot cups of books and a delightful assortment of dipping books. And for dessert? Book pie!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Passes the ‘they can hardly fit in my mouth’ test.”
--“Maximilian, we must break into the torture chamber immediately!”
--“It don’t have to be pretty, as long as there ain’t flames comin’ out it!”
--“Hey, I’m Chad, and I work, and shop, at Plato’s Closet. Plato’s Closet, is all about great style, and great values, for teens and twenties. The cool thing about us, is, that we pay cash, on the spot, for your gently used, brand-name clothing. People are watching their money, trying to live a green lifestyle, so what we do is important. You can’t forget, that we have cool clothes. We were green, before green was cool. Plato’s closet. It’s a fun, cool place to shop. And even work.”
(Apparently Plato’s Closet is cool. And their employees address the nation as if recently recovered from a stroke. And they’re cool!)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
How come you didn’t have a moustache in the 80's?
11 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“43-year-old Susan Finkelstein, a die-hard Philadelphia Phillies fan, was charged with offering an undercover officer sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Her lawyer called her ‘a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever.’” (How did that scenario present itself? Was the cop running some ticket scalping for sex sting? Is that a thing? Is that entrapment? Gaus?)
-Want more news? Check out the odd section. Half of it is actual news.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Illness! It has plagued the woman I love for weeks now in various forms and I’m close to killing it with a knife.
-Congress. Both parts. Both parties. Full on.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! That’s right, I said it. Even battling against the trials of Job she’s still amazing.
-Jon Stewart, South Park and God all taking masterful shots at Glenn Beck this week.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Way back in issue 42/43 you counseled me concerning Colon Ninjas and the necessity of caring for my colon. Well, taking that to heart I’ve dived in with a gusto you would be proud of! But I’m now worried I may have taken it too far, and have another colonic conundrum for you.
I just received an e-mail from who has told me that “Bowel Cleaning Products Linked To Serious Kidney Problems”. Obviously this information cannot be taken lightly. I mean, it’s a Surgery Prep Notice! Have I killed myself? Can I trust that safe methods have been used? Back there? I mean, I can’t really watch. It’s a really awkward position, in more than one way if you know what I mean. So the real question is: Can I sue? Is there some sort of ninjlomatic immunity that would prevent me getting the “Compensation that is Entitled to Me”?
--In a tizzy about my tushy”
-Yes, yes. I remember you. And I am proud! To answer your questions: Probably not. Probably not. Yes. Yes. Probably, but you should consult my lawyer about that. Not currently, although insurance law is an ever-changing, ever-expanding gauntlet of rotating swords. And, as we’ve already learned in TWiN, the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. So, I’d suggest taking a lap and not doing any heavy lifting with your anal cavity for the next few days and see how well it snaps back, so to speak.

Nelson recommends:
-Bob Dylan. Like me some Bob Dylan. They were playing nonstop Dylan at the Pig a couple mornings ago. Made me smiley.

The GRE Literature Subject Test went well. I think it went well anyway. I won’t know for sure for a while. It was a lot of interpretation and recognition, so I think it went all right. It was just a big pain in the ass. I’m glad to be done with it.

I’ve been watching the new V series. I was a big fan of the old miniseries. The old series that came after it, not as much, but still, big fan. I even wrote a paper about it once. The new one seems solid, but I’m not sure about it, yet. Mostly because I’m not sure V works as a 9/11 allegory as well as it worked as a Nazi/World War 2 allegory. Especially because V means Visitor now instead of Victory, which kind of rubs me the wrong way. There were some other things that kind of bugged me, but some other stuff I dug. For now I’m interested, but not sold. And it’s kind of gay that they’re showing four episodes and then going on hiatus until some time next year. Seems like an odd strategy, and one which flirts dangerously with failure. Plus, as of yet, there’s no Mark Singer, Robert Englund or Michael Ironsides, so they’re going to have to do something about that.

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 44

Welcome. Apparently some of you missed out on the email portion last week. Something was weird with gmail, apparently, and I got like five of them sent back to me. Sorry if you missed it. Feel free to check it out on If it fucks up again this week I’ll try to look into it. Anyway, I’ve got to take the GRE.Subject Test for Literature this Saturday morning, so I’ve been dealing with that the last couple days, so let’s waste no time and move on up. This week we’ve got some weird quotes. Seriously. And a fun fact about Newt Gingrich!

Birthday shout-out to Ryan! And Perrin! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Not really reading so much this week because of the GRE thing. Finally, a legitimate excuse!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m not checking the corners! I’m running to the bathroom and praying I don’t see dick!”
--“I love Bennigan’s. I watched Magic Johnson announce he had AIDS at Bennigan’s . . . on my birthday.”
--“It’s like Ghandi said, ‘A smile don’t cost nothing, sugar.’”
--“This is a huge asshole!”
“What’s going on? Is that the asshole? Whoooooooooooa!”
--“I want that on my ass! I want that on my ass right now!”
“Take a picture of it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and there’s a lot of questions I can’t seem to answer. Can you help?
Ronald Reagan vs. Jack Palance, who would win?
Ronald Reagan vs. Abraham Lincoln, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln vs. Jesus, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln and Jesus, having fought initially and then realizing they should team up to save the world from evil, vs. Jack Nicholson circa 1975, who would win?
Me vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. John Elway, who would win?
John Elway vs. the slow, endless, erosive passage of time which gnaws upon all things until they are but dust and the lingering echo of memory, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Taliban, who would win?
John Wayne vs. lightning, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Incredible Hulk, who would win?
Spider-man vs. Barack Obama, who would win?
England circa 1907 vs. Rome circa 50, who would win?
Rome circa 50 vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You and I vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Seriously, will you help me kick Steve Henderson’s ass? He’s a major dick and he totally deserves it. I hate Steve Henderson!
4 November 2009
PS- Newt Gingrich stared at my girlfriends boobs today. Please advise."

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A 19-year-old Boulder, Colorado man was forced into the passenger seat of his car by five kidnappers, but typed out a text message that he’d been kidnapped and was quickly rescued by police.” (Five kidnappers? What kind of car was he driving?)
-“The police force of Budaors, Hungary collectively won $16 million in the lottery. The 15-person squad resigned on the spot.” (Quick! To Budaors, Hungary! There’s no law there! It’ll be like Thunderdome!)
-“The Maldives government held an underwater cabinet meeting to draw attention to the dangers of global warming. The small island nation, which is less than 3 feet above sea level, staged the half-hour meeting at a depth of 20 feet, with Cabinet ministers and the president in full scuba gear.”
-“A Stanford study found that coin flips favor whichever side of the coin was facing up when the flip was initiated, landing on that side as much as 60 percent of the time.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Slow ass drivers. I’ve been caught behind some low-functioning retards at the wheel of cars in the last 48 hours. Driving 13 in a 35 is bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’re moving in together in December. Sign the lease on the place today. Really, really looking forward to it. And I wasn’t lying to O’Reilly. Newt Gingrich totally showed up at the Natural History Museum at KU while she was working today and checked out her boobs. So, I can check that off my bucket list.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-The only question I got this week was about the whole email snafu from last week, which I have already covered in the intro. So there.

Nelson recommends:
-I saw an empty box of Franzia by the side of the road today. And I’d like to think somebody had just been wandering around, drinking wine straight from the box, and when it was empty they just dropped it on the spot. So this week I’m going to recommend wandering the Earth on a Franzia bender. Somebody get on that.

Studying for this GRE Subject Test is kind of a pain. I probably should have been working on it earlier, but it’s all multiple choice and reviewing the major shit that’s going to be on the test it’s mostly authors and works which I’ve read or am at least familiar with, so I’m not sweating it too hard. And I’ll still be working on Creative Writing during my PhD, so I’m guessing the Lit test isn’t too big a deal as long as I don’t totally blow it. Tonight I’m going to try a practice test without having done any serious studying just to see where I’m at. Should be interesting.

Anyway, I’m going to get back to that, so . . .

See you next week.

–> N.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 42 & 43

Sorry for the lateness and double-week action. Saira had the swine flu last week, so I was more focused on that. More on that later. This week we’ve got double the pleasure and double the fun. Well, 1.63 times the pleasure anyway. But 2.14 times the fun! Let’s do this!

Birthday shout-out to Adri! Belatedly! Had I been on my game last week it would have been more timely.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?”
--“Fuck you! Tell a bear!”
--“It’s like the Ernest movies, but with pants.”
--“Elmo is an Uncle Tom”
--“What’s gentlemen’s relish? Ewwwww! Ewwwwwwww! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Grooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssss!
--“Nothing say ‘Party’ like sparkling wine.” (The poor grammar makes it even better!)
--“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting ... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
--“I’m like this invincible, fearless black guy. Like Shaft. Or Bryant Gumble.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
In all seriousness, what’s the deal with Obama quietly removing tariffs on Israeli dairy imports when American dairy farmers are struggling to the point of having to take some herds to the slaughterhouse in order to pay the bills?
Also, in all seriousness, is it true that every male employee at Fox News had their penises measured for insurance purposes, and if so, how did you rate? The database I saw only had patient IDs, not names.
28 October 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing of note. Sorry.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Watkins! So, Saira had the swine flu, and the infection had spread to her eyes. We don’t know this, yet, exactly. Just that she feels sick, achy, tired, congested, and her eyes have been swollen for a few days. So we go to Watkins. They diagnose the problem as asthma. They don’t know what’s wrong with her eyes other than it isn’t pink eye, but don’t think it’s relevant. They admit it might be influenza, but don’t want to test for it. They just send her on her way to class with a prescription for an asthma inhaler. Saira suspects bullshit, so we go to Promptcare. They immediately diagnose it as a viral infection that has spread to her eyes, test her for influenza which comes back positive, and prescribe antibiotics. Consequently, she’s feeling much better. And Watkins is apparently negligent to a ridiculous degree. It’s no wonder there’s a flu epidemic on campus.
-The Redskins! What are you guys, the fucking Chiefs now? I think that’s how it works. You lose to the Chiefs, and your punishment is you have to be the Chiefs. Seriously, guys, shitting the bed is one thing, but shitting it every week is something else all together.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ve been going out for three months as of last Wednesday. Happiest three months of my life. I couldn’t love her more if you paid me. But I would still accept your money and use it to buy her pretty things.
-The Broncos! They can’t be stopped! They will kill you and take your power!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

You’re welcome!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear TWiN,
The Silent Killer: Colon Ninjas
I’ve been getting suspicious e-mails lately from (true story) telling me to buy bottles and bottles of pills and liquids (surely to be taken in a suppository fashion) and threatening me that if I don’t I will die! (of cancer).
Why are ninjas so interested in my colon? And if one was interested, how can one join the fraternal sisterhood of those who assassinate through the colon?
Yours truly,
Colonically Confused in Quebec (or at least the French speaking portion of Lawrence)
-Ninjas are interested in your colon because your colon is important. Do you know how many people die of colon cancer every year? A lot. And are you checking your colon regularly? I doubt it. That’s why the ninjas are there to do it for you. And they’re ninjas so their examinations are as silent, swift and unobtrusive as possible. And, during those instances where there’s a price on your head, they will kill you while they’re in there. As for joining their ranks, there’s nothing you can really do. You don’t find them, sir. They find you. And if they take the measure of you from your colon and find you worthy, they will contact you and perhaps, if you’re lucky, they will teach you the medically helpful and deadly colon martial arts. Good luck with that. Tell them you know me. That might help. We go way back.

Nelson recommends:
-Buffalax! He writes fake phonetic translations for foreign music videos. Check out his channel on YouTube. Especially check out Benny Lava and Benny Lava 3.0, but it’s all good.
-Flashforward! I finally caught up with that show and I dig it.

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t mentioned my cats in a while, so let me take a second to tell you that they’re doing fine. Eating, napping, playing, sleeping, cuddling. They have a sweet life. Also, lately, there’s been some cave crickets infiltrating the house and they’re having a hell of a time hunting them down. In short, they’re great. Thanks for asking.

I’m gonna let it go at that. Happy Halloween! Remember to wear reflective markers on your clothing, be careful crossing the street, and don’t accept unwrapped candy from strangers!

See you next week. One hopes.

–> N.