Thursday, July 23, 2009

Addendum to TWiN 3.28&29

So many birthdays I forgot to give my sister a birthday shout-out. I don't feel too bad, though, cause she doesn't actually read the TWiN, and I called her to wish her a happy birthday, but still. The completist in me felt that I'd been remiss.

So, happy birthday to my sister, Donna!

There, mission accomplished. I feel better now.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, numbers 28 and 29

Victor time has come and gone, hence no missive last week and this week’s double titled entry. She was a doozy, though, that Victor, quite a success. Thanks to all of you who made it out to see the show and laughed at our ridiculousness. And paid top dollar to do it. Cha-ching! This week we’ve got what we’ve got and that’s all that we’ve got.

Belated birthday shout-out to Saira, Jon and Fletcher! And full-on timely birthday shout-out to Keri! Mad July birthdays! It’s hard to keep up! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Victor really put a stranglehold on my reading time. And my sleeping. And eating. But now, I’m a free man and I’ve got the need, the need to read. Yeah.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Gropecunt Lane was street name found in English towns and cities during the Middle Ages, believed to be a reference to the prostitution centered on those areas; it was normal practice for a medieval street name to reflect the street’s function, or the economic activity taking place within it. Gropecunt, the earliest known use of which is about 1230, appears to have been derived as a compound of the words ‘grope’ and ‘cunt.’ Streets with that name were often in the busiest parts of medieval towns and cities, and at least one appears to have been an important thoroughfare. Although the name was once common throughout England, changes in attitude resulted in it being replaced by more innocuous versions such as Grape Lane. Gropecunt was last recorded as a street name in 1561.”
--“Half a hotdog isn’t a lot to have in your mouth at one time.”
--“Nelson, please don’t rain on my face.”
--“Could we have a nice conversation between the horse, the skeleton and the mushroom?”
--“And my new cookbook, A Perfect Recipe for Banana Fish. It’s so delicious, you’ll blow your brains out.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
A recent study conducted by prominent scientific minds has determined that what women want isn’t length, it’s thickness and girth. Apparently, thickness and girth create that special stretch that drives women wild and leaves them feeling full and satisfied. And apparently there’s a product that can deliver real results to this end for the modern man.
What are your thoughts on this? Is there any truth to these radical claims, or are these so-called scientists simply tools of the militant liberal agenda, trying to get us to buy into yet another unsubstantiated flight of conjectural fancy, like global warming, or evolution, or small pox, or leprechauns or rap music?
Do I need this new penis girthening agent or not? I don’t know what to believe! And I’m loathe to add yet another cream regimen to my nightly penis upkeep. Three creams is more than enough, but four? Ludicrous! Stupid science!
Please help me, Mr. O’Reilly. If anyone can instruct me on what a woman needs to be sexually satisfied, it’s you!
22 July 2009"

This will make 10 O’Reilly emails and still no word. And still no more bets in the pool as to how long it will take to garner response save Devin’s $1 bet of 15 emails. Come on gamblers! Get in the game! And honestly, what more can I say to this man to get some kind of response?

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“54% of Icelanders don’t deny the existence of elves.”
-“Low-cost European airline Ryanair asked Boeing to design a plane with standing room to pack in more people. Standing passengers would fly with a belt buckling them to a metal pole.”
-“The price of wine in Australia reached record lows due to an oversupply of grapes. Major wine retailer Dan Murphy’s is selling some wines for $1.99 a bottle— cheaper than bottled water.”
-“A Turkish TV station launched a game show in which a priest, a rabbi, a Buddhist monk, and an imam will compete to convert a group of self-proclaimed atheists. ‘We are giving the biggest prize in the world, the gift of belief in God,’ said TV executive Seyhan Soylu.”
-“A Serbian woman was cured of a potentially deadly heart arrhythmia condition this week after being struck by lightning.”
-“China’s health ministry ordered hospitals to stop using electric shock therapy to treat Internet addiction this week, saying that there was no indication that the 3,000 mostly young people who’d been shocked had been cured.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-9th Street! I remove you from the TWiN and this is how you repay me? By getting more fucked up than ever? I say thee nay!
-The Kwik Shop on 19th and Mass for closing early on Friday night when Willie and I needed cigarettes. Badly. More than the warrior needs food. Consider your strongly worded letter in the mail, Kwik Shop.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-My special lady, the lovely Saira Khan.
-The week and a half or so of gorgeous spring-like weather we’ve been having.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Much like my liver, my odd sensor needs time to recalibrate post-Victor. Nothing seems odd to me now. It just seems like ideas I should have had for sketches.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“How can I maintain a healthy balance between family life, obligations to work, and an unnamed comedy show that just went up last weekend?”
-If I were a doctor, I would undoubtedly prescribe cocaine. As everyone knows, this country’s medical system is deep in the pockets of Big Cocaine. However, I am not a licensed doctor, and may freely prescribe whatever I choose without risk of blacklisting, intimidating correspondence, or the presence of horse parts in my bed. That being said, I’m still prescribing cocaine, but blended on the rocks with a little five hour energy drink. That way, you get all the benefits of cocaine but without all the added sugar. And no crash later!

Everybody must watch the movie She! It is the greatest cinematic achievement of the last thirty years. It takes all the best parts of Conan the Barbarian, Mad Max, a Hope and Crosby road trip comedy, awkward dinner theater, Amazons, religious cults, telekinesis, propaganda, gladiators that live in sealed wooden boxes, and so much more! WATCH! THIS! MOVIE!

Still more celebrity deaths! Arturo Gatti, Walter Kronkite and today, the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
I’m running out of liquor to pour out! Seriously, Gatti being drugged and strangled by his wife, that’s fucked up. Those fights he had with Irish Mickey Ward are still some of the best boxing matches I’ve ever seen.

All right! Good enough for the first week back on track.

See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

This Week in Nelson?

has been postponed until next week due to Victor. I hope you understand. If nothing else, I'm sure whoever reads Bill O'Reilly's emails will be relieved to get the week off from my nonsense. Anyway, next week we'll be back and better than ever (or better as we've always been, or slightly worse, or with no discernable difference).

See you next week.

--> N.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

TWiN 3.27 addendum

Damn it! I suck! Birthday shout-outs also to Jon and Fletcher! Happy birthday!

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 27

That was one hell of an America’s birthday last weekend. I was privy to a pretty kickass show put on by one Andy Morton that had the America soundtrack to end all America soundtracks. Good stuff. This week we’ve got the best abortion speech I’ve ever seen on TV, me getting way too angry about tennis, scandal involving “a black guy” and a sporting event who’s time has come.

Birthday shout-out to Loren! July 9th like a motherfucker!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Reading, sleeping, eating? It’s Victor time. Who can fit that stuff in?

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“This must be what it feels like bringing Jesus to the upper Ubangi region.”
--“An abobo, huh? Hoovertown? We used to call it ‘going to Van Nuys.’ Cause the place we’d go to was in Van Nuys. I’ve gone to Van Nuys five times, it’s no big deal. For me. Ladies tended to get a little weepy. Except for Deirdre. But I found out later she had aspergers. My point is this: science.”
--“Something smells like burning.”
“Sorry, that’s probably me.” (Actual conversation between me and a Kwik Shop employee! Guess which one was me!)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’m afraid we’re going to have to murder Roger Federer. Not only did he beat an American last weekend, Fourth of July weekend, no less, at Wimbledon, but he passed American Pete Sampras’s record for total Grand Slams won. This makes America look weak abroad, sir, and this cannot stand. We’re at war. I mean, Federer’s Swiss, for Christ’s sake. They don’t even HAVE a real army. The idea that the nation with the greatest military in all the world, ever, for all time, infinity, can’t beat a Swiss guy at tennis? I’m sure Iran is having a field day with this as we speak.
So, here’s the plan. One of us will dress up as a woman and seduce Roger Federer. I’m not sure which one of us. Probably whichever one looks better in a dress. I’m guessing your rugged and natural handsomeness will make the job yours, but I figure we can have a fun, little dress up party to determine which of us will serve as the honey pot. It’ll be like that scene in Pretty Woman. Except without Richard Gere there talking about Tibet. Unless he’s a friend of yours, in which case, feel free to invite him.
Anyway, the one of us who gets all lady-ed up will approach him and stun him with their remarkable beauty and sexitude. He will be powerless. That’s just science. Then, the other one of us who has been posing as a waiter (we’ll do this in a fancy restaurant. Did I leave that out? Because that way we can enjoy a nice meal, too.) will spring up from behind him and garrotte him to death, screaming “Sic semper tyrannus!” And we’ll leave a little honey bear behind as our calling card. Cause our assassination name will be the Honey Bears. And the Honey Bear will be holding an American flag. And wearing a bow tie. It’ll be great!
Please contact me as soon as possible so we can put this plan into action. And so Richard Gere can clear his schedule, if necessary.
8 July 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Sophie Frost, a 14-year-old girl from outside London, survived a 30,000-volt lightning strike only because it was diverted from her vital organs by an iPod wire.” (How long before Apple makes a commercial about this?)
-“A California man desperate to rid his apartment of cockroaches set off at least 18 bug bombs in his apartment, triggering an explosion that shattered windows and almost blew the roof off. Live roaches were seen crawling through the rubble.” (I like that it’s “at least 18.”)
-“Portuguese tennis wunderkind Michelle Larcher De Brito refused requests to stop grunting and shreiking every time she hit the ball during her matches at Wimbledon. ‘If they have to fine me, go ahead,’ she said. ‘Nobody’s going to stop me from grunting.’”
-“A Pentagon employee leaked an internal anti-terrorism training exam that included the question: ‘Which of the following is an example of low-level terrorism?’ The correct answer was ‘protests.’”
-“The city of Toronto admitted it Photoshopped a black guy into the family on the cover of its new Fun Guide, to show how multicutural the city is.” (I like this particularly because it seems to imply that they just added a black guy randomly to some white family.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-That Wimbledon Men’s Final. Roddick was so fucking close! The man served 39 games without being broken in that thing before dropping his fortieth. Un-fucking-real! And now Federer has the goddamn record for majors, and sure, he seems like a nice guy, but fuck him. He’s neither American, nor my guy. Man, I used to love me some tennis, but watching the American men vanish and Federer coast through a gaggle of chumps really has driven me from that sport for the most part. And, sure, Federer’s amazing, but still, fuck him. Fucking ass.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The weather still holding strong and not turning into pure hellfire yet. Yet.
-Driving around earlier today I saw no fewer than four Virginia license plates. VA represent!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Steve McNair getting murder-suicided execution-style by his 20-year-old girlfriend who worked at Dave and Buster’s. That’s insane. In-sane. And can we go a week without a famous person dying? Seriously.
-The Wife Carrying World Championship in Finland this week. It’s a sporting event where dudes run an obstacle course while carrying their wives, and the winner gets his wife’s weight in beer. Finland, man. Finland.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“How’s the Victor Show coming?”
-Coming right along. Work, work, work. Some funny shit in the works, though. She’s gonna be a jim dandy. July 17th and 18th at Liberty Hall! 10 pm! Tickets now on sale!

Okay, that’s it for now. Victor, Victor, Victor.

See you next week.

–> N.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 26

Back again. Less stoned this time, but also shorter. This week we’ve got the Victor Show kicking into second gear, proof of divine readership, and a bunch of question answered which include a gauntlet being thrown down and another Japanese lesson.

Birthday shout-out to Lauren! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Couldn’t read this week. Legitimately. Too busy working on Victor. July 17th and 18th! Tickets now on sale at Liberty Hall! Be there!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“No! You’re confusing your tennis movies!”
--“I can’t believe it sprayed all over me.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
So, have you seen Transformers 2, yet? Could that happen? Is it happening now and the liberal media is working to cover it up? Is government sponsored health care all a smoke screen to fund a secret initiative to do battle with evil space robots? Is my life in danger now for uncovering this nefarious plot? If so, can I stay with you for a few weeks so you can keep me safe? I can totally do odd jobs around the house to earn my keep. We could put up a tent in the living room and sleep in there and pretend we’re camping. And we could tell each other ghost stories and when I get scared you can hold me in your arms and tell me everything’s going to be alright. And I’ll believe you, because you’re the only one I can trust. I just want my country back. I want my country back from these evil space robots and their militant liberal tax-and-spend agenda.
Help me, Bill O’Reilly. You’re my only hope.
1 July 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-No news this week. My apologies. I forgot to grab my news source when I headed downtown.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The Soup not being on last week, but still being listed on the guide as The Soup, but when it started, E being all, like, Surprise! No Soup! Here’s The Web Soup instead! Nice try, E. I’m still not watching The Web Soup. But go ahead, try that shit again and see what happens. I dare you.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-9th Street is open again! The city reads This Week in Nelson!
-The weather got so much better! God reads This Week in Nelson too!
-We’ve got solid gold coming in from the writers for Victor! This shit is gonna be crazy! Seriously, go buy those tickets.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Nothing that isn’t part of a Victor sketch.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Why does the Spangles BBQ Steak Melt sandwich appear to be nothing more than a philly cheesesteak on a hamburger bun with bbq sauce? And, most importantly, how can it be called a ‘melt’ when there seems to be absolutely no cheese on it at all? I don’t get it. What’s melting?”
-Your face, Raiders of the Lost Ark-style, when you eat it.
--“Has anyone started a pool for how long it’ll take O’Reilly to answer you? Because I’ll totally put a buck down on 15.”
-Not as of yet, but does anyone else want some of that action? For those keeping score at home, this week’s email makes 8 without response.
--“For the purposes of the pool mentioned above, does a form letter or cease-and-desist letter count as an answer?”
-I figure any response would count.
--“Are you as excited as I am by the idea of Firefly: The Musical?”
-I don’t know how excited you are, but I would be down for that, yes.
--“Please, what are the Japanese equivalents for the other seasons?”
-Summer = Super Fire Hot Time Explosion Party
-Fall = Leaf Color Disco Dog Dance Fun
-Winter = Robot Snow Punch Battle Without Remorse
-Spring = Gojira Mating Season

I pulled out some Nirvana this week and I’ve been listening to it in the car. It felt like time. I forgot how hard ass a song Scentless Apprentice is. Scentless Apprentice is like a dude who wears a pink shirt to a redneck bar and waits for someone to call him queer so he can kill that guy with a knife. That’s an industry term.

Okay, got to get back to work on Victor, so that’s all for now.

See you next week.

–> N.