Thursday, March 26, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 12

It’s a less auspicious week, what with the post 75th anniversary hangover, but still, let’s make this 76th week just as mildly entertaining as you’ve all come to expect. Thank you to all of your shout-outs and well-wishings over last week’s milestone. I appreciate your continued patronage. So, let’s get going. This week we’ve got the uncertain future of my skin, the hospitable dance of the vagina, cheesy paradise, zombies and a televised plea for robot equality.

Birthday shout-out to no one, I believe. I will, however, drop a shout-out to loyal reader Chris Goulter for his dropping the science of Chuck Norris’s birthday a couple weeks ago. Mr. Goulter recently shared with me his habit of saving all of the Weeks to date, which, when he amasses the proper amount, he will bind together in a book which he will cover in the flesh of my flank and hindquarters, and then carry across the world, converting the populace to his religion of This Week in Nelson worship. I eagerly await your efforts, sir, despite the partial epidermatectomy required. Let Mr. Goulter’s zeal be a lesson to the rest of you.

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Still reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard

Captain Freedom etc., etc. is a hell of a wacky little book. If you enjoy superheroes and crazy, pick it up. It has powerful funny contained within its pages.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Contrary to popular belief, it is not terribly unbearable to poop at 10 degrees.”
--“Chess just got fucked in the face!”
--“Earlier experiments with 3-D TV included 3-D episodes of Third Rock from the Sun and Coach, but the ratings revealed that America found Coach to already be in two dimensions too many.” (Ouch.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The first pizzeria in North Korea’s history opened this week in Pyongyang. The Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, sent chefs to Italy for training, so that his people— who are often starving— could sample the worlds best foods. ‘I’ve learned through TV and books that pizza and spaghetti are among the world’s famous dishes, but this is the first time that I’ve tasted it,’ said customer Jung Un-Suk, 42, describing the flavor as ‘unique.’” (Freedom is on the march!)
-“The owner of a British nightclub wrote to police to deny allegations that her establishment was rife with drug use. Police tested the letter and found it ‘covered in cocaine.’” (I just wonder why they tested it. Was it coated in white powder? And if so, did she not notice when she mailed it. Was she eating those little bite-size powdered sugar doughnuts while she wrote the letter, so she was confused? Or was she actually doing lines off the letter itself as she wrote to keep the magic happening? This news bit fascinated me.)
-“Police in tiny Tenaha, Texas, have pulled over 147 motorists on their way to casinos in Louisiana and threatened to charge them with serious crimes unless they surrendered their cash, jewelry, cell phones, and even their cars, according to a new class-action lawsuit. Police say the seizures— almost all from nonwhites— target drug traffickers, even though in all 147 cases, no drugs were found. ‘We try to enforce the law here,’ said Mayor George Bowers.” (Now, I’m not a lawyer, but something seems a little off here. Gaus? Am I right? And is Boss Hogg to blame?)
-“Human beings can imagine and plan for future events— a capability that scientists have long believed makes us unique among living creatures. But an angry chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo has shown that his species is capable of meticulous preparations for the future: He stockpiles rocks, shapes them into aerodynamic discs, and then waits hours for zoo visitors to come into range so he can pelt them. The chimp, named Santino, began hurling rocks at people 11 years ago, when he was 19— a time when male chimps become aggressive and try to establish dominance. Every morning before visitors start to trickle in, Santino roams his outdoor enclose, searching for small stones. He’s learned to make his own stones, too, by knocking pieces off the concrete walls. At times, Santino shapes his weapons into discs, so they sail through the air more accurately. The chimp stacks the stones in small piles, so that when he becomes irritated by visitors invading his territory, he has an ammunition store on hand and can begin hurling his missiles. No one has been hurt (chimps have lousy aim), but it’s an impressive performance nonetheless. In the wild, chimps use tools, but to address immediate needs, not future ones. Santino’s behavior, Swedish primatologist Mathias Osvath tells the Associated Press, ‘convincingly shows that our fellow apes do consider the future in a very complex way. It is very special that he first realizes that he can make these [stone missiles] and then plans on how to use them.’” (A world where apes evolved from man?)
-“The female orgasm isn’t just for fun, says Israeli scientist David Elad. When a woman has an orgasm, Elad says, her uterus and vagina contract in rhythm— a ‘welcome dance’ that creates a vacuum and pulls extra sperm into the uterus. Since the reproductive tract normally retains only about 65 percent of the semen it takes in, this suction provides an extra boost, giving sperm a better chance of reaching the egg. Female orgasm, Elad believes, has evolved to act as a preference mechanism in a world in which women may have multiple sexual partners. When a woman prefers one man to others, her body can give his sperm an advantage over its rivals, increasing the likelihood that she’ll conceive with the most attractive, attentive partner.” (So, if the vagina can create a vacuum, and science teaches us that nature abhors a vacuum, what does that mean? Why does Mother Nature hate vaginas? Honestly, though, I really only included this for the idea of a vagina performing a “welcome dance,” which makes me think of a bunch of vaginas doing a hula and handing out leis at an airport in Hawaii.)
-“A woman spends $300 getting her hair cut and highlighted. She comes home, waiting anxiously for her husband’s reaction— but he says nothing. It might not be because he’s a jerk, says New Scientist; he simply may be suffering from ‘hair blindness.’ Cognitive neuroscientist Brad Duchaine, who works with prosopagnosiacs— people who can’t recognize faces— has found that the brain generally does not recognize hair as a facial feature, like it does eyes and noses. Prosopagnosiacs, in fact, often make up for their defecit by identifying people by their hairdos. ‘Normal’ men, Duchaine believes, focus mainly on their spouse’s or girlfriend’s face upon greeting them, and therefore may not really ‘see’ that their hair has changed.” (Vindication!)

SO MUCH NEWS! Hopefully it makes up a little for the sorry amount of out-of-context quotes.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Sunflower whatever-the-fuck-they-call-it-now. First, my DVR won’t make series recordings of half the major networks, then they were dicking around with my signal on Tuesday which caused Reaper not to be recorded. Motherfuckers.
-The Yankees, for not putting A-Rod on the official DL yet, so I can’t put him on the fantasy DL and pick up an extra player. Honestly, Yankees, aside from viciously hating you for years, what have I ever done to you to deserve this?
-My laptop battery dying an early death. I’m going to get it replaced for free, but still, it’s a fucking hassle.
-Sams Club, for no longer carrying one of the major ingredients of Dave’s corndogs, which I have already explained, are the King of Awesometown. However,

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Cheesy hashbrowns! In lieu of corndogs, Dave made cheesy hashbrowns for our baseball draft on Sunday and they were so good that if I had a vagina it would have done a welcome dance. Seriously, for an hour after I ate them, I was four inches taller and didn’t need to use my glasses. SO GOOD!
-The final episode of Battlestar Galactica. As usual, to spare those of you who haven’t seen it, yet, especially the many of you I know to be watching the show but not caught up, I won’t go into detail. I’ll just say it was pretty fucking sweet. And, once again, a fine example of fostering equality for our robot brethren, lest we force them to throw off the tyranny of our shackles with rough sex and lasers.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-That they made a 3-D episode of Coach, honestly. I mean, who wants Dobber in their livingroom? Besides me?

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Is there anything that can’t be enlivened by the judicial application of zombies?”
-Not to grammar nerd out on you, but yes, I can think of countless activities: painting, rock climbing, cunnilingus, jumping rope, etc. that would be diminished by the presence of a zombie passing judgment on my efforts. Zombies are notoriously difficult to please, after all. As for a “judicious” application of zombies, then no, not really. That would probably enliven just about anything. Except maybe the cunnilingus. That would just be distracting. And difficult to gauge one’s efforts what with all the extra sources of moaning.

On the subject of zombies, I’ve been playing House of the Dead: Overkill the last couple nights on the Wii, which is basically a game where you shoot zombies structured as a ridiculous buddy cop B-movie. It’s like Lucky and Wild, but with less driving, more zombies, and a lot more uses of the word “motherfucker.” Seriously, I’ve never played a game where they say “motherfucker” anywhere near this much. It’s nothing amazing, but it’s good fun.

Okay, I don’t trust my laptop battery, so I’m calling it a day. See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 11

Holy shit! It’s the 75th episode of This Week in Nelson! Is it an episode? Or an issue? I’m not sure. I think I’ve used both before. Anyway, this is 75th time I’ve sent one of these motherfuckers out. And what does that mean, exactly? I don’t know. But I do know that it’s good for me, good for you, and by God good for America. So sacrifice a goat at the altar of my awesomeness, and commune, for the 75th time, with this thing which slouches forth from the tangle of my brainular region and onto your computers. This week we’ve got the elasticity of the second holiest of holies, a comforting lack of snakes, the pornography habits of Mormons, possible legal action against a great American sitcom and the very nature of time itself, kind of. For the 75th time, let’s do this.

Birthday shout-out to St. Patrick? Is it his birthday? Or the snakes? Anyway, I got drunk and I didn’t see any snakes, so mission accomplished.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy by, Tao Lin
-Started reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard
-I also reread all of Bendis’s Avengers-y stuff from Disassembled and the Secret War through Secret Invasion, to see how it all adds up. It adds up pretty well. Love me some Bendis.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“He ain’t flung poo since I bought him his hat.”
--“My heart feels like a medium-erect penis wrapped in saran wrap.”
--“Today the headbutt is a sign of friendship, stability, and inner calm.”
--“Skinny little Jewish guy from The Lord of the Rings, what’s his name? Gollum, that’s right.”
--“Guys, women like three things: men in kilts, Southern Comfort and Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game.”
--“Why would you need more than one pair of pants? Who are you, Jude Law?”
--“Did you know the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic?”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The porn paradox! Guess which states are most interested in online pornography? That’s right— those with the highest concentrations of politically conservative and traditionally religious people. Of the top 10 porn-buying states in the nation, says a new Harvard University study, eight voted Republican in the last presidential election. In states in which laws have been passed banning gay marriage, subscription rates to porn sites are 11 percent greater than in states without gay-marriage bans. In Utah, most people agreed with the statement, ‘I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage.’ Yet Utah boasts the highest porn-buying rate in the entire nation. Why are people in ‘red’ states more likely to indulge in online porn? Perhaps they’re simultaneously repulsed and fascinated by sexuality, study author Benjamin Edelman tells New Scientist. ‘One natural hypothesis is something like repression: If you’re told you can’t have this, then you want it more.’” (I KNEW IT, UTAH! I was reading this, and I’m like, ‘it’s gonna be Utah. Utah, number one with a bullet-shaped dildo.’ And I was right!
-There was also an article about a kangaroo breaking into a home in Australia and wreaking havoc, and the father putting it in a headlock to get it out of the house, but the headlock was the best detail, so I figured that’s all I’d mention. It seems like a stereotype, though, doesn’t it? An Australian stereotype where kangaroos come into houses and jump around and these crazy Aussie bastards throw them into headlocks and wrestle them out of the house. But apparently it’s true. This is what happens in Australia. And they all carry huge knives.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The tax increase on cigarettes. Fucking things are like 5+ dollars a pack now. When I was a boy, they weren’t but 2 bucks. America, what’s happened to you?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The NCAA Tournament starting up. Love the fucking tournament. The first four days are easily the best sports event of the entire year. So much basketball. So much awesome. Love it. I spent all morning and early afternoon waist deep in basketball. Eating basketball. Drinking basketball. Rolling around in basketball. Sensuously rubbing basketball all over my naked body.
-The fact that I’ve done 75 of these things. That’s a shitload, and I have to admit I didn’t really expect to go on for this long. Go me!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Stu mentioned something about an article in Harper’s where archeologists were digging up Star Wars sets or something. I’m not sure what the deal was, I didn’t read the thing, but it sounds weird, whatever the story is.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear This Week in Nelson: As this is an anniversary issue (which is a celebration of time), I was hoping you would dissertate the implications of going from 1 BC to 1 AD without the year 0. Doesn’t this defy all conceptions of mathematics, logic, and common sense? Yours, ‘Calendrically Confused in Copenhagen.’”
-First of all, I haven’t dissertated anybody since the war, and I’m not starting now. Second of all, math is a tool of the devil, just like egg timers and dental dams, and I eschew all three. Third of all, the measurement of time as we observe it is only an abstract aggregate construction to help maintain an orderly observance of the linear sequence of events as human beings perceive their existence upon the mortal plane, and therefore it only possesses whatever structural properties and absolute authority with which we choose to endow it. And fourth of all, damn Stu, haven’t you ever heard of a Leap Year? Year 0 totally got leapt over. Apparently somebody slept through Calendars 101 in school. Don’t worry, buddy. Your secret’s safe with me.

Okay, so I love me some 30 Rock. That’s already been established. But did anyone else notice this last week’s episode where they had a sketch called Robot Bear Talk Show? Cause robots and bears, aside from historical figures, are my thing. Now granted, they didn’t have Davy Crockett, or robot herpes, or Robo-Santa Ana and the Robo-Mexican Army, or sex between bears and robots, or the Robot-Bear Adoption Center (when bears fuck robots, what can you do?), so I’m not considering legal action. But I’ve got my eyes on you, 30 Rock. If I see Abraham Lincoln smacking some bitches up or a Peanut Butter Solution, you’ll be hearing from Gaus.

On a sad note, I heard the news yesterday that Ron Silver of bad guy in Time Cop fame passed away this week. Pour some liquor, people. We’ve lost another angel back to heaven.

I hate to end on the sad note, so I’ll end on the news that Dave Gaus is going to be a dad. That’s right, a little half-Chinese, half-Gaus baby is forthcoming. So, every time God closes a bad guy in Time Cop door, he opens a mixed race baby window. Mysterious ways? Check.

See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Go Cote!

Some of you know Cote. Those that don't know him should. He recently got a story published and got interviewed. Here's a link:

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 10

Here we are again. This is the 74th Week in Nelson, so we’re basically just killing time for next week’s 75th anniversary extravaganza. Which will likely bear a striking resemblance to every other Week to date. So let’s not waste any time. This week I watch the Watchmen, I quote Stephen Colbert, I have a suspicion confirmed and I simultaneously lose a little more respect for Utah and discover a secret facet to the impending Norse Armageddon. It’s 75th Week eve. Put out some cookies for me and get reading.

Birthday shout-out to Chuck Norris! I would say something delightful about Chuck Norris’s superhuman capabilities here, but what hasn’t already been said? The fact that he’s a surprisingly tender lover? Yeah, it’s been said, but it bears repeating. If only he didn’t roundhouse kick every time he came. Then I’d still be able to lift my left arm above my head.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Started reading Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy by, Tao Lin
-Started reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard
-I also reread all the issues of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8 comic book that have been released so far. To help round out the Buffy marathon.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I wish you’d picked an easier theme than Super Jet Dinosaur Fun Monkeys. What does that even mean?”
--“The Laurel and Hardy of being a dick.”
--“Sandy Koufax is all you Jews go on about. Sandy Koufax and the Holocaust. It gets old.”
--“I am just trying to help you Hip Hop-ify the GOP by letting you come on my show and drop more science than a Kansas school board.”
--“Just to be clear, sex swings have been around for thousands of years It’s not like I invented them. I wish I had!”
--“These caplets release a lawsuit-resistant combination of mercury and oven cleaner that targets the parts of your brain responsible for not seeing spider demons.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“In Gainesville, Florida, traffic officers wrote a total of seven tickets for a BMW that had been illegally parked for two weeks. A neighbor finally called the police, who found a dead body in the back seat.” (Well played, Gainesville traffic officers.)
-“A new study found that 84 percent of Germans in their 20s would rather do without their significant others than give up access to the Internet. The young respondents explained that you can always find another man or woman to love, whereas life without the Web is unthinkable.” (Well played, Germans. That’s just the sort of robotic lack of human emotion that never lets us forget your tendency toward stealing pool furniture and massacring Jewish people.)
-“Two restaurants in a Rhode Island mall food court are in the fifth year of a legal battle over the right to sell rice. David Chu, owner of Cathay Cathay, says he pays extra rent to be the mall’s sole provider of white rice, which he calls ‘the backbone’ of Chinese food. But Yogi Sood of Gourmet India says his lease allows him to sell basmati rice— a long-grained strain of white rice— which he calls the ‘must ingredient’ of Indian cuisine. Legal fees so far have totaled $250,000.” (Well played, Rhode Island mall food court. Way to make German people seem more reasonable. Who includes rice-related provisos in a commercial lease agreement?”
-“The state legislature in alcohol-unfriendly Utah is considering a bill that would require bars and restaurants to prepare all alcoholic beverages behind a 10-foot wall. A Senate committee approved the measure, designed to protect children from the tempting sight of drinks being mixed. Liquor commissioner Gordon Strachan voiced his opposition. ‘Not only is the cost significant,’ he said, ‘but it makes Utah look even stranger.’” (I don’t even know what to say to you, Utah. Three questions, though. 1) Utah has a Liquor commissioner? 2) He’s not bat-shit-insane? And 3) Why a 10-foot wall? How tall are the bartenders in Utah? Is every bartender in Utah a Frost Giant, killing time mixing drinks for people who Jesus won’t let drink them while they await the day when they’ll be called upon to take up arms and fight to death in the world-ending conflagration of Ragnarok? If so, then I guess I can see how the sight of them working might be enticing to children. Seriously, Utah, what the fuck?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Don’t even get me started on the Big 12 Tournament.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-That Willie finally sent out a new Averill Report. And that in reading it I learned that Finland is apparently awesome. I always had a good feeling about you, Finland. I’m glad to see my suspicions confirmed.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-I don’t think I can top the Rhode Island and Utah news stories.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Apparently nobody wants to learn anything this week. You people are wasting the powerful resource of my endless font of information for how to make shit up.

I saw Watchmen this week. I dug it. I think they did a fine job. I don’t want to go into too much detail for those of you who haven’t seen it or read the book, but I think they made the virtually impossible more or less possible in doing a pretty faithful adaptation. It’s missing a little, back-story wise, and it loses a little bit in some areas, like the Dr. Manhattan chapter where Moore explores what his perception of time is like. But they did shoot Lee Iaccoca in the head, which is something I never thought I would find entertaining, but did. I recommend catching it. I also recommend reading the book. I recommend the book more, but the movie, she’s good. Definitely the best movie version of Alan Moore’s work to date (granted, the bar was not set so high).

Okay, seriously Kansas. You’re hot, you’re cold, you’re fat, you’re skinny. You’re fucking shit in bed. I want a divorce. I’m fucking freezing right now. Get off your ass, Spring. It’s go time.

In addition to my thesis, I’ve recently been working again on a novel I started a couple years ago and unceremoniously lost interest in. It’s going pretty well. Perhaps I’ll post some chapters on the blog soon. I realize I’ve been a little lax the last few weeks on the non-This Week in Nelson portions of the blog. My apologies. Granted, the only people I know who’ve looked at it are Gaus and Devin, and possibly Stowers, so I don’t feel too bad about it. I’ll try to toss some more random shit on there in the near future. I was tempted to talk about the Watchmen movie on there in more detail, but as in here I didn’t want to ruin it for people who hadn’t seen/read it yet, and if I couldn’t go into more detail I didn’t really see the point. And if I don’t see the point, then by God, who could?

I read a pretty fascinating article in The Atlantic about American fighter pilots this week. About how America is losing air superiority now that other countries have fighters that pretty much match the F-15, and the discussion about the new F-22, and how many we should produce. Whether or not it’s vital these days to possess air superiority. Whether a hybrid force of both F-22s and F-15s could do the job. The possibility that if we lack air superiority, we might not commit to questionable wars, but that it’s more likely that other countries would challenge us with wars we may have to fight. And it also talks about the nature of air combat through the ages. It was a good read. I’m a big fan of the Atlantic. They’ve always got some fascinating shit in there.

Okay, I’m still cold, so I’m wrapping this up. See you next week for the big 7-5.

–> N.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 9

Here we are again. Weeking it, Nelson-style. And running a bit behind this week, so let’s get cracking. We’ve got retard backlash, the evils of strong drink, the king of the douchebags, filet o’ people and a college basketball dry surprise. Get ready, the first three rows will get wet!

Birthday shout-out to Corey, for reals this time. And birthday shout-out to Ashley! Whoo! Birth!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading The View from the Seventh Layer by, Kevin Brockmeier
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams

It took me way too long to finish the Brockmeier short stories, but I have to say they really were excellent. Highly recommended, along with all of Brockmeier’s other books. The Ryan Adams is a book of poetry he just put out. Being a fan, I figured I should pick it up. It’s pretty good, but nothing amazing. He’s got some pretty good turns of phrase, but there’s some hit and miss stuff and mechanically it could use a little work in some places. There’s a little unnecessary repetition, some overwrought emotional phrasing and some weak line breaks here and there. His music is better, is my verdict. I think the thing is, it’s a long collection and he might have been better served with paring it down to just the best work. Which is honestly a criticism I’ve seen of him before. The guy’s a prolific motherfucker, I guess. What can you do? Still, if you do like Ryan Adams, feel free to check it out. There’s good stuff in there. I just can’t give it the full-on recommendation. At least not yet. I haven’t finished it yet. Maybe he’ll really start dropping gold later on.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Galileo, what the fuck!?”
--“Somebody out there is dead set to take retards down a peg.”
“Yeah, they’ve had it too good for too long!”
--“If there’s one thing I hate, it’s losing. If there’s two things I hate, it’s losing and getting cancer.”
--“Sometimes, to do something good you have to do something bad first.”
“I just want you to remember that when I eventually make love to your mother.”
--“No! We would never shoot nuclear weapons at Decepticons!”
--“Stephon Marbury Embroils Celtics’ Big 3 in Elaborate Shakespearean Intrigue: ‘I shall of these three fools now make my purse,’ Marbury was heard to say after the game, although he appeared to be addressing no one and perhaps spoke only to himself.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing particularly interesting this week, I’m afraid.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-That I watched the new Street Fighter movie. Cause Jesus, it sucked. Loren and Margaret were in town for an early celebration of Gaus’s 30th, and we were fucking hammered, and they needed to watch a movie to sober up before driving back to KC. And somehow it came down to a coin flip between that and Paul Mart Blart Carp (we were that drunk). It just goes to show you, kids. Drinking can have a serious downside. Still, it was cool to see the Saunderses. Is that the plural of Saunders? I just don’t know. It was nice seeing all the people I don’t see regularly for the two-part Gaus party. Good times. You should get old more often, Gaus.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Reaper being back. Finally. That season premiere was solid fucking fun. Absolute ridiculousness. If they had just used “You’re the Best” from the Karate Kid, that would have been enough for me, but the “college cram-session” montage, the baby beer mascot, the poorly executed fire hose escape, and the “Where did you get this book? The Devil is attracted to radishes? Like, sexually? What does that mean?” brought it all home. Seriously, I love that fucking show. One of the best things on TV right now. I can’t recommend it highly enough. The first season’s on DVD, check it out if you haven’t.
-That new Demetri Martin show is kind of hit or miss, but there’s usually at least one bit that completely raises the bar every week. The one in last week’s where the kid gets to have his dream dinner with Ben Franklin, Shakespeare and Galileo at a T.G.I. Fridays and they keep trying to nail the waitress was solid gold.
-Seeing Watchmen tonight. I am totally excited to see what they’ve done with it.
-Colbert’s Doom Bunker last night. That shit was amazing. “Werewolf congress.” Hell yes.
-KU bending Missouri over on Sunday and making them cry. That was fucking sweet. Not so sweet was us playing like absolute ass last night against Texas Tech. I would have put that in the mad at section, but I’m not really mad. Just disappointed. Besides, we still clinched at least a share of the regular season title. Things are gonna be just fine.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The weird Jay Cutler possible trade clusterfuck in Denver. You’re not filling me with confidence, new guy.
-The filet o’ fish commercial for McDonalds with the singing fish on the wall. Really just because it says how if the people were in the sandwich they wouldn’t be laughing. Cause, even if you’re discounting the idea, why bring up the subject of eating people at all? That makes me think that they’re trying too hard to say that there isn’t people in the filet o’ fish, which leads me to the conclusion that it is, in fact, people.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“The woman with whom I share an office listens to Rush Limbaugh everyday while eating lunch. Needless to say, it irks me. Now, I can’t do what I want to do, which is bludgeon her to death with her mini-radio while it’s still playing Rush so that it seems like her racist, pill-popping hero is actually killing her, the way he’s slowly killing me. Any suggestions?”
-Why can’t you kill her? Okay, okay. No killing her. Could you kill Limbaugh? Hmmm . . . . solving problems without murder is tricky . . . How about this? How about you counteract the diatribe with a little gangsta rap? Karmically cancel it out, and such like. That’s my non-murder suggestion. Cause there’s nothing Limbaugh hates more than black people. Except maybe women. Or everything that’s good in the world. No, on second thought, I’m prescribing murder here. It’s just the only way. Good luck with that! You’re doing God’s work.

Seriously, is there anyone in the world more vile than Rush Limbaugh? I mean, sure there is, but he’s gotta be up there. One time Paul Rudd jokingly more or less said about somebody that “calling him a douchebag is too kind. He’s what they make douchebags for.” When I think about Rush Limbaugh, I think about that. Rush Limbaugh is what they make douchebags for. He’s Douchebaggus I, King of All Douchebags.

I finished my Buffy marathon two nights back. I’m not going to go on and on about it, but I still just want to say that goddamn, it’s the fucking best thing ever. It is the fucking pinnacle. I’ve said before that while it’s my favorite, The Wire might still be better, but I really have to put them on equal terms, I think. They form a two-headed monster of awesomeness the likes of which the world has never seen. During that Buffy-thon, I would watch the current shows I watch that I’d DVRed first, and then I would watch the Buffy, and I have to say that for the vast majority of the current shows I watch, while I watched them these last couple weeks, I kept thinking, “come on, hurry up and finish so I can get back to watching Buffy.” I wish to God there was something that good on TV right now. The world would be a better place.

Thank you to Ryan and Chad for giving me shit for not working on my thesis when they saw me, as I previously requested. Granted, I was at Gaus’s birthday party at the time, but still, their hearts were in the right place. I have to say that the Buffy marathon really gave me a creative charge, and I’ve recently doubled my efforts on the thesis front. Just another reason to love that show.

Well, that’s enough for now. I’ll see you when I see you. Next week if not sooner.

–> N.