Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 42 & 43

Sorry for the lateness and double-week action. Saira had the swine flu last week, so I was more focused on that. More on that later. This week we’ve got double the pleasure and double the fun. Well, 1.63 times the pleasure anyway. But 2.14 times the fun! Let’s do this!

Birthday shout-out to Adri! Belatedly! Had I been on my game last week it would have been more timely.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?”
--“Fuck you! Tell a bear!”
--“It’s like the Ernest movies, but with pants.”
--“Elmo is an Uncle Tom”
--“What’s gentlemen’s relish? Ewwwww! Ewwwwwwww! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Grooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssss!
--“Nothing say ‘Party’ like sparkling wine.” (The poor grammar makes it even better!)
--“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting ... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
--“I’m like this invincible, fearless black guy. Like Shaft. Or Bryant Gumble.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
In all seriousness, what’s the deal with Obama quietly removing tariffs on Israeli dairy imports when American dairy farmers are struggling to the point of having to take some herds to the slaughterhouse in order to pay the bills?
Also, in all seriousness, is it true that every male employee at Fox News had their penises measured for insurance purposes, and if so, how did you rate? The database I saw only had patient IDs, not names.
28 October 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing of note. Sorry.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Watkins! So, Saira had the swine flu, and the infection had spread to her eyes. We don’t know this, yet, exactly. Just that she feels sick, achy, tired, congested, and her eyes have been swollen for a few days. So we go to Watkins. They diagnose the problem as asthma. They don’t know what’s wrong with her eyes other than it isn’t pink eye, but don’t think it’s relevant. They admit it might be influenza, but don’t want to test for it. They just send her on her way to class with a prescription for an asthma inhaler. Saira suspects bullshit, so we go to Promptcare. They immediately diagnose it as a viral infection that has spread to her eyes, test her for influenza which comes back positive, and prescribe antibiotics. Consequently, she’s feeling much better. And Watkins is apparently negligent to a ridiculous degree. It’s no wonder there’s a flu epidemic on campus.
-The Redskins! What are you guys, the fucking Chiefs now? I think that’s how it works. You lose to the Chiefs, and your punishment is you have to be the Chiefs. Seriously, guys, shitting the bed is one thing, but shitting it every week is something else all together.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ve been going out for three months as of last Wednesday. Happiest three months of my life. I couldn’t love her more if you paid me. But I would still accept your money and use it to buy her pretty things.
-The Broncos! They can’t be stopped! They will kill you and take your power!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

You’re welcome!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear TWiN,
The Silent Killer: Colon Ninjas
I’ve been getting suspicious e-mails lately from (true story) telling me to buy bottles and bottles of pills and liquids (surely to be taken in a suppository fashion) and threatening me that if I don’t I will die! (of cancer).
Why are ninjas so interested in my colon? And if one was interested, how can one join the fraternal sisterhood of those who assassinate through the colon?
Yours truly,
Colonically Confused in Quebec (or at least the French speaking portion of Lawrence)
-Ninjas are interested in your colon because your colon is important. Do you know how many people die of colon cancer every year? A lot. And are you checking your colon regularly? I doubt it. That’s why the ninjas are there to do it for you. And they’re ninjas so their examinations are as silent, swift and unobtrusive as possible. And, during those instances where there’s a price on your head, they will kill you while they’re in there. As for joining their ranks, there’s nothing you can really do. You don’t find them, sir. They find you. And if they take the measure of you from your colon and find you worthy, they will contact you and perhaps, if you’re lucky, they will teach you the medically helpful and deadly colon martial arts. Good luck with that. Tell them you know me. That might help. We go way back.

Nelson recommends:
-Buffalax! He writes fake phonetic translations for foreign music videos. Check out his channel on YouTube. Especially check out Benny Lava and Benny Lava 3.0, but it’s all good.
-Flashforward! I finally caught up with that show and I dig it.

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t mentioned my cats in a while, so let me take a second to tell you that they’re doing fine. Eating, napping, playing, sleeping, cuddling. They have a sweet life. Also, lately, there’s been some cave crickets infiltrating the house and they’re having a hell of a time hunting them down. In short, they’re great. Thanks for asking.

I’m gonna let it go at that. Happy Halloween! Remember to wear reflective markers on your clothing, be careful crossing the street, and don’t accept unwrapped candy from strangers!

See you next week. One hopes.

–> N.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 41

Well, hello. Back again so soon, you ask? I told you it’d take less than a fortnight. And as you know, my word is stronger than oak. Or at least particle board which has been decorated to mimic an oak-like appearance. My point is, oak or no, I still make one hell of a bookshelf. All right, we’re gonna do this fast and ugly so we can get back on schedule. This week we’ve got to strap in and get moving. STRAP IN! Fine, don’t. But I’m strapped in and I’m not unstrapping for you, or anybody! Well, maybe for some of you. We may have to handle this on a case by case basis. Feel free to contact me as to your strap-worthiness. I like getting correspondence. Unlike Bill O’Reilly, apparently. Why won’t he write back!? This intro is kind of starting to feel like an O’Reilly email, actually. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was in a hurry. Yeah.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Started reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Zombies: A Record of the Year of Infection by, “Dr. Robert Twombly” (Dan Roff & Chris Lane)

Reading, whooo! New Michael Chabon book, whooo! Whooooooooo!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“No thanks, loose-leaf paper. I prefer abstinence-leaf paper, YOU WHORE!”
--“As far as even numbers go, ‘0' is the worst number of penises to have.”
--“They are goatfuckers, Jon. Pure and simple. Pure and simple. An organization whose sole desire and drive is the pursuit and seduction of goats. For the purpose of fucking them. Perhaps, Jon, if the facts of a story were scribbled inside the sexual organs of goats, CNN may have more of an interest in checking them. Until that time, if you need a goat fucked, CNN will do it.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What was your first sexual experience like? Because I just had mine and I’m wondering if everything was entirely above board and up to par. Let me break it down for you:
So, I meet this lady at a mixer at my church. It was a brisk Sunday evening, coat and scarf weather, and the hot cocoa was flowing freely if you know what I’m saying. I was cocoa-ed halfway out of my mind! Just, like, whoooooo! You know?
So, anyway, cocoa-ed halfway to New Jersey and back, and I meet this lady. And boy howdy, she was a looker. Long, blonde hair. Heavy, red lipstick. And, I mean, it was totally ALL the way around her lips. Right? And boobs! She absolutely had boobs! A real man’s lady, if you follow me. And she’s fully into me, listening to all my stories about how I’m friends with you, and how we talk all the time, and email each other, and I hang out around your neighborhood in my car with the engine running, just smoking cigarette after cigarette and staring at your front door. So, thanks for being my wingman there, because she. Is. A. Fan! Obviously, of course, but still, that’s another one I owe you.
Anyway, she drives me back to her place (no way I was driving after all that cocoa! ;-)!) And we start going at it as soon as we get in the door. Hand holding, cheek rubbing, Eskimo kisses, you name it! This dame was into all kinds of things. And, I’m all, like, “Yeah! Take off your mittens. No, do it slowly. That’s right, it’s getting too hot in here for mittens. Oh, yeah! Yeah, a glass of ice water would really hit the spot. That’s extremely polite of you to offer. You filthy slut.”
So, I just down that ice water in a single gulp. You know? To impress her. And she’s clearly impressed. She’s so impressed she can barely clean her cat’s litter box. And it was good water, cause I was feeling pretty woozy after I drank it. I mean, it packed more of a punch than the cocoa, even. I’m stumbling around, slurring my speech, peeing a little. I was kind of worried I might be ruining the mood, but no worries there! She was sooooooo into it! Seriously, ladies love it when you pee on yourself. But, you probably know that. A real bushmaster like yourself.
But, she’s excited. Like, really excited. Like her pants were down, and her erection was E-NOR-MOUS! I mean, easily three times bigger than mine ever gets. And I must have been really staring at it, because I didn’t even see her fist until after she’d punched me. Right in the face, just POW! And not once, but six or seven times! And me in my weakened cocoa and ice water state.
So, I’m extremely disoriented, and there is no way I’m doing anything when she bends me over the couch and removes my pants. How could I? Besides, with all the urine, I was pretty glad to be rid of my pants.
Well, next thing I know, she’s taken her mighty erection and has inserted it into my butt! I mean, jackpot! I guess!? And she keeps taking it out part of the way and then putting it back in. Like, maybe she was trying to reach a certain depth, and she just couldn’t quite hit it. But, how could she with a penis that big? I’m just one man. But she kept trying anyway, a whole lot of times. I lost count. But, eventually she must have gotten tired of trying because she punched me some more times and took it out of me for good.
After that I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was waking up in the lobby of the post office and my wallet was gone.
So, my questions are these:
1) Even though my lovely lady didn’t appear able to insert her penis as far into my butt as she wanted too, did I still lose my virginity? Because I feel like I lost something.
2) Should I cancel my credit cards?
3) How long did your butt hurt after you lost your virginity? Because not being able to sit down is really starting to effect my performance at work.
4) Should I get one of those surgeries where they replace your hymen so you can still be a virgin on your wedding night?
Please get back to me soon. And if you could recommend some kind of salve for my butt, that would also be greatly appreciated.
13 October 2009"

I mean, he’s gotta write back now, right? Or, like, a police officer or something has got to contact me, or something. Which would totally count!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A group of dwarves in China set up a village where nobody taller than 4-foot-3 is allowed. ‘As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people,’ said resident Fu Tien. ‘But here there aren’t any big people.’”
-“The London Daily Telegraph found documents indicating that Iranian president and notorious Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has Jewish roots. Ahmadinejad’s family changed its name from Sabourjian, a Jewish name meaning ‘cloth weaver,’ when it converted to Islam after his birth.”
-“It was a bad week for Ralph Needs, 80, of Groveport, Ohio, whose home was invaded by two men who pistol-whipped him, ransacked his house, and stole his truck. A few days later, Needs was accidentally shot through the hand as his son Steve was teaching him to use a 9mm handgun to defend himself from future attacks. ‘Hell,’ said Police Chief Gary York, ‘that would be a bad week.’”
-“Scientists have found a nearly complete skeleton of a newly discovered human ancestor that pushes back the horizon of our species’ evolution by 1 million years, and overturns previous theories about how humans evolved. The new hominid species, named Ardipithecus ramidus, or ‘Ardi,’ lived in Africa 4.4 million years ago— long before the famous ‘Lucy,’ who was previously the oldest known hominid. Ardi, who stood about 4 feet tall and weighed 110 pounds, walked upright, but had flat, grasping feet that could be used to climb trees. In many respects, Ardi is the closest thing to being the proverbial ‘missing link,’ with physical features halfway between those of chimps, and a small, chimp-like brain. ‘It is not a chimp, it is not a human,’ University of California paleoanthropologist Tim White tells The Wall Street Journal. White and his team spent 15 years assembling and analyzing Ardi and the shattered remains of 36 members of her species. The skeletons strongly suggest that humans and chimps diverged on the evolutionary tree much longer ago than was previously thought, with chimps and gorillas developing many of their modern features— such as knuckle-walking and hanging from branches— only after they went down their own evolutionary path. Ardi, says paleoanthropologist David Pilbeam of Harvard University, ‘is one of the most important discoveries for the study of human evolution.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The Redskins! First you lose to the fucking Lions, giving them their first win since December, 2007! 2007! To put that in perspective, do you remember that endless Bataan Death March of a Presidential election we went through? The last time the Lions had won a game was BEFORE THAT HAD ACTUALLY EVEN STARTED! So, they do that, and then two weeks later they lose to the winless, pathetic-looking Panthers? And look like shit doing it! What the fuck!?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Whooooooooo! Seriously, though, she’s awesome.
-The Broncos! 5-0! They took down the Cowboys and the Patriots! How fucking sweet is that!? The answer is 20! That is 20 sweet! Apparently Jay Cutler can suck a big, fat dick! Who knew?
-The Daily Show, specifically for ripping CNN a new one on Monday. That was well executed.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
- (It takes a little while to get going, but it’s worth it. And special shout-out to Dan for helping to keep me in weird internet links!)
-Taco Bell going apeshit commercial-wise about the fact that they have black taco shells now. I mean, I like black people and things, but I’m not launching a national ad campaign about it. Some local radio spots and an appearance on Jayni’s Kitchen, sure. But that’s it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-No questions. Fine, I see how it is.

Nelson recommends:
-See the book section. Zombies and Michael Chabon! Huzzah!

So, yeah. There you have it. Back on track now, week-wise. Let’s see how long I can keep that going. See you next week!

–> N.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 39 & 40

Yes, yes. I know it’s been forever since the last week. I’d like to say the 100th took a lot out of me and I had to rest up, but that would be fibbing. Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into This Fortnight in Nelson. We’ll get back on track. Anyway. This week we’ve got to get going cause its been two and a half weeks and damn, that’s a long time.

Birthday shout-out to Nate, Dave and Jacqueline! And congratulations to Austin and Megan on getting married!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut


Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’ll tell you this. I’m not doing this show with some rookie monkey. We get one of these five monkeys, or I’m out.”
--“Look how sleazy that guy is. I’m having a hard time imagining ever peeing again looking at that guy.”
--“Midgets can’t play pro baseball. No strikezone. One time back in the day a midget jumped out of a cake and then played in the game. Now it’s illegal. It’s true! Look it up!”
--“It’s Billy Joel! Suck it!”
--“It’s a little weird walking into a home and the first thing you see is rockets and pictures of children with guns.”
--“Those who truly understand felines know that the cat lord is neither good nor evil but concerned with cat-things alone.”
--“If you’re looking for a better steak in an arcade atmosphere, you’re shit out of luck.”
--“It’s like in a romance novel when the girl is about to get raped and then realizes she wanted it in the first place.”
--“We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed . . . What’s Footloose? . . . That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”
--“Okay, the holy spirit just made the wow answer.”
--“Does this cat know who he’s fucking with? I’m the Dalai fucking Lama. Here’s one he hasn’t heard: What’s the difference between a pit bull and the Dalai Lama? A pit bull won’t rip off your head and then fuck your neck.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
The liberal media has gone too far this time! Just look at this screed against you I found in a prominent journal!:
‘Bill O’Reilly:
Bill O’Reillys live in loose bands, and are typically found in the same areas as are goblins. Unlike their smaller cousins, however, these hairy giants operate equally well in bright daylight or great darkness, so they are as likely to choose a habitation above ground as they are to select a subterranean abode.
If 12 or more Bill O’Reillys are encountered there will be a leader. If 24 or more are encountered there will be the following additional Bill O’Reillys: a chief and a sub-chief. If encountered in their lair there will always be a chief and sub-chief, and there will be females and young equal to 50% each of the number of males. Neither of the latter types of Bill O’Reillys will fight unless in a life or death situation.
The arms carried by Bill O’Reillys range the gamut of available weapons— from swords to wooden clubs with spikes set in them. A fair number of spears are carried by these monsters, and they tend to use them, along with axes, maces, and hammers, as missile weapons. As Bill O’Reillys are strong they can throw these weapons.
Although Bill O’Reillys are clumsy looking and walk with a shambling gait, they are actually able to move very quickly and with great stealth.
Description: The skin of Bill O’Reillys is light yellow to yellow brown— typically dull yellow. Their hair ranges in color from lusterless tannish brown to brick red. Their eyes are greenish white with red pupils. The odds and ends of armor they wear, as well as whatever cloth, skins, or hides they drape themselves in, tends to be ill-kept, dirty, and dingy.’
How dare they!
8 October 2009"

On a side note, that was the twentieth email to Bill O’Reilly and still nothing. A smaller anniversary than last week’s, but still.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Jonathan Parker, 19, of Fort Loudon, Pa., allegedly broke into a home and stole some jewelry, but left his Facebook account logged into the victim’s computer— which is how police identified him.”
-“Kings Island amusement park, in Mason, Ohio, took down its ‘Halloween Haunt’ display of skeletons of dead celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, and slain NFL quarterback Steve McNair and his late mistress. ‘We weren’t intending for it to be distasteful,’ said a park spokesman.” (I wonder what their Halloween display was like in 2001)
-“16 Polk County, Fla., drug investigators who raided a home in search of drugs were caught on a security camera playing the suspect’s Wii Bowling for nine straight hours.”
-“A British man wearing a gorilla costume for a sponsored run was stopped by police who thought he’d escaped from a zoo. Rory Coleman, 45, was running 143 miles to benefit the Gorilla Organization, a great-ape preservation charity. But after calls from alarmed motorists, police stopped Coleman, pulled him to the side of the road, and questioned him as to his species. ‘I told the police I’d come quietly,’ said Coleman, ‘as long as they gave me bananas.’”
-There were also some articles about a new dinosaur discovered which is exactly like a tyrannosaurus rex but the size of a human being, a new AIDS vaccine which has been cutting the risk of infection by 31%, and that of the people in the U.S. killed by lightning 80% are men.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I know there’s a couple things that bugged me over the last few weeks, but they’ve slipped my mind.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! I know. You’re shocked. Still, I love her.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Congratulations on hitting 100 episodes. Does this mean you’re getting a syndication deal, now? Can we expect to catch the reruns on TBS?”
-Yes and no. Yes, I’m going into syndication. But no, it’s not on TBS. Instead it’ll be on Univision. Sabado, sabado, sabado!

Nelson recommends:
-That new Community show. I like that Joel McHale, so perhaps I’m biased, but still. Pretty funny, pretty solid.

Well, that ought to do it. See you next week. Hopefully.

–> N.