Thursday, May 28, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 21

Hey, it’s my birthday, so I’m being insane lazy this week. This week we’ve got my birthday. What else do you need?

Birthday shout-out to me! 30 years old up in this come Monday. Go me!

And on that note . . . Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party! This Saturday! May 30th! Gaus and Emily’s House at 5:00 for hot, BBQ action (please RSVP for that phase)! Harbour Lights at 8:30 for drinking! Eventually the Pig for more drinking, probably around midnight! BE THERE!
I’m also thinking about doing a little something on Monday (June 1st), my actual birthday, maybe a little dinner and then drinks at the Pig. No big deal. I’ll let you know about that on Saturday. So be there!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Another week with zero reading. I’m going for a record.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--You know what, either nothing was funny this week, or I was too lazy, or too drunk to jot it down, cause I’ve got nothing. My favorite thing quote-wise, though, was Chris Shaw doing the Humpty Dance at karaoke, and during the point where he’s calling on people to do the Humpty Hump (“Matt Gaus, do the Humpty Hump,” etc.) he screamed at Andy Morton with such passion to do the Humpty Hump that I almost shit my pants. If I could reproduce it here, I would.

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Hey! It’s my birthday! I haven’t gotten a card from you yet, so I thought I’d mention it. You should do a special birthday show about me, because I’m an American hero!
Here’s a short list of my exploits:
1) I can eat hot dogs like the wind!
2) I know how to read.
3) One time I fought Darth Vader and he totally cut my hand off, but I still wouldn’t turn to the dark side, cause that’s not cool.
4) I really like eating hot dogs.
5) I don’t objectify women unless they’re REALLY hot. Then it’s game on, my friend.
6) I know how to swim.
7) I don’t swim until at least 30 minutes after I’ve eaten hot dogs.
8) I know how to read.
9) I don’t repeat myself.
10) Hot dogs are delicious.
11) I’m $AWESOME!$!!!$! Three dollar signs!
So, please feel free to contact me about being featured on your show.
I eagerly await your correspondence.
28 May 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Yeah, nothing here either. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Allergies! The weather has turned and it’s making my sinuses mad. Also, the warmer weather is causing increased shedding which has led to increased hairball production amongst my cats. Boo-urns, nature! Boo-urns indeed!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Birthday presents! I got some free comics from Sam and a sweet book from Hilary.
-Me kicking ass and taking ass in my fantasy baseball league. I just robbed Seth Bailey of his manhood last week. Go baseball!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Nothing, really. Except maybe for Roady’s hat. I’d explain, but like the Humpty Dance, I think you had to be there.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--You ask nothing, I answer nothing. That’s how the game works.

Been playing some Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2 lately. Doin’ some hardcore Jedi shit. Lightsaber like a motherfucker. I likes that game.

And that’s it. Like I said, this week’s themes= my birthday and me being lazy. Next week we will resume my regular level of slight laziness.

See you next week.

–> N.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Nelson's 30th Birthday!

Plans are now concrete! Here they be!

On Saturday, May 31st!

5:00pm- BBQ at Gaus and Emily's house! Meat, beer, etc.! Please let me and/or Gaus/Emily know if you'll be attending this portion so proper meat/beer levels can be planned!

8:30pm- Harbour Lights! Alcohol!

Midnightish- The Pig! More alcohol!

2:00am- ???????!

Be there!

So many exclamation points!

--> N.

PS- Presents are not expected or required and may be best received in the form of alcohol or your physical presence.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 20

All right, no time to fuck around. This is a long one, so let’s get into it. This week we’ve got a birthday party reminder, two diatribes, a new use for cat’s pee, a good name for a video game, Amish people getting down, Fundamentalist Baptists not getting down, and a fuck you to James Monroe.

Birthday shout-out to Rich! For those that don’t know him, Rich is one of the mighty cogs in the Victor Continental production machine. He’s also good people. Salt of the Earth. Go Rich!

Speaking of birthdays . . . Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party update! It’s coming soon! Saturday, May 30th! Harbour Lights at 8:30! Drinking! Eventually the Pig for more drinking! Dinner will be eaten at 6:30. Not sure where yet. If you want to get your eat on, let me know and I’ll tell you where when I decide. If not, I’ll see you at the beers! Be there! BE THERE!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Yeah, reading. I knew I forgot something.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I had to deny ever being friends with him.”
“Just like Peter did to Jesus in Science class.”
--“I’ve changed into a bad-ass adult! I have a wolf dog! And I have two bad knees! And I have a gun! That I lost!”
--“You couldn’t even get an ankle wet in me.”
“Yes, but I so desperately want to.”
--“You’ve never dug a trough around anything you’ve owned!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What are your thoughts on peanut butter? Awesome, or the most awesome? Smooth or creamy? On a sandwich? On ice cream? On pancakes? On a burger? On a lady?
I love peanut butter. I LOVE IT! I wouldn’t marry it, though. Cause that’s a slippery slope. What would be next? Marrying jelly? Well, okay, fine. Jelly is really good, too. But marrying mayonnaise? That’s gross!
Did you know that some people dip freedom fries in mayonnaise? What’s wrong with those people? We should invade those countries and export proper American ideals of eating fries. If we won’t, who will? Boo to the Monroe Doctrine, I say. Boo!
But, seriously, you should do a show about peanut butter.
20 May 2009"

Still no reply from last week’s email. That’s cool. I’ve got nothing but time, O’Reilly.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Parvin Jannati of Alton, NH, thought she lost everything when a fire destroyed her home in October. But last week, during a town cleanup, Arie Johnston, 10, discovered a burned backpack containing $8,160 in cash across the street from the scene of the blaze. He promptly returned it. Police theorize that the parcel was thrown clear of the house by a powerful stream of water spurting from a fireman’s hose. Jannati’s family said they plan to reward Johnston for his honesty. ‘I hope my kids do the same thing,’ said her sister, Parvaneh Anderson.” (That’s a nice story. But it made me wonder why she had a backpack full of cash in her place. Was the fire caused by a meth lab explosion?)
-“Hospitals in the Houston area are preparing for a 25 percent surge in births nine months after Hurrican Ike knocked out power for days. ‘You can only do so much when there’s no television, nothing open, and there’s nowhere to go,’ said obstetrician Rakhi Dimino, who is eight months pregnant.” (My apologies to Chad and Ryan for including this story.)
-“A six-year, $12 million scientific study identified the flavors in New Zealand’s signature Sauvignon Blanc as a combination of passion fruit, asparagus, and cat’s pee. ‘If you had a whole lot of cat’s pee it obviously wouldn’t be great,’ said researcher Sue Blackmore. ‘It’s amazing what a little can do.’” (So, if I get some passion fruit and asparagus, I’m sitting on a gold mine?)
-“An Ohio teenager was suspended from his fundamentalist Baptist school for taking his public school girlfriend to her senior prom. ‘It was worth it,’ said Tyler Frost, who violated a school contract against dancing and rock music.” (Damn it, people! Did Kevin Bacon teach us nothing!?)
-“Police in rural New York ticketed a 17-year-old Amish boy this week for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy.” (Well played, Amish.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-ESPN talking about Michael Vick ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I love sports. I love ESPN. But whenever there’s a story that is bigger than a single game, they get obsessed with it like a monkey who just figured out how to masturbate. “Will Michael Vick get to play in the NFL again? Should he?” He’s still under home confinement for two more months. This isn’t even a story for TWO MORE MONTHS. Fucksake. Still, I’m just gonna say it, no he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t be allowed back into the NFL. Should he get out of prison? Sure. He did the time he was sentenced to, he should get to go free and move on. That’s the justice system. Maybe he should have had to spend more time in there, but at this time that’s how things are. But playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. And the man made it to step two out of three for being a serial killer. Step one, of course, being your mother flushing the parts of you that would have made a legitimate human being down the toilet when she shat you out, and step two being torturing animals to death. That just leaves step three: torturing humans to death. He is closer to being a serial killer than I am to being thirty years old (please refer back to Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party Update). You know what, he can play in the NFL again, but he has to donate every cent he makes a year above 30K to the ASPCA, and Pete Rose gets to be the Commissioner of Baseball. Seriously, what is wrong with American prisons? How was this waste of sperm and egg not raped to death in the showers? Apparently Oz was less than accurate. Ernie Hudson, you’ve failed me for the last time!
-I’m not really tired of or mad at this, but I picked up the latest Yeah Yeah Yeahs album and was less than impressed. It’s like they made a whole album out of songs that sound like Maps, but none of the songs are as good as Maps. Kind of a neutered feel to the whole thing. Kind of bland.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Chuck and Dollhouse getting renewed! Granted, for only 13 episode seasons, but 13 pieces of goodness are better than 0 pieces of goodness. That’s just science.
-Connor Oberst’s new album. Good stuff. He even kind of mixes up the sound a little more from song to song than he normally does, which was fun. Like that kid.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-How angry I got writing that Michael Vick thing. Cause it’s one thing to joke about prison rape. I was being serious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Damnit, where’s my TWIN?!?!?!??!!? What, am I supposed to work today?”
-Here it is! And, no. God, no. No, no, no. No.

I’ve been playing a lot of Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass on the DS lately. That’s a sweet little game. Using a stylus is a little odd. But it’s cool being able to draw whatever path you want the boomerang to take. And it’s nice being able to point where you want to throw or shoot things. I just wish you could also jump vertically, not only horizontally. Still, it’s sweet, sweet Zelda action. Fucking puzzles and swords and yeah! They should call the next one that. The Legend of Zelda: Fucking Puzzles and Swords and Yeah! Get to work, Nintendo!

I saw the new Terminator last night. It was all right. There was some good action. I think it looked really good. Maybe a little too Road Warrior here and there, but there were some pretty good shots in there. Some playing around with extended action single shots. But that script was rough. I had three main problems, none of which gives a lot away, but if you’re worried about knowing too much, skip over point 3.
1) They should never have shown in the previews that the one dude was actually a Terminator. Cause it’s not like that was the selling point of the movie. All-out fucking robot war is the selling point of the movie. And knowing from the get-go that the dude is actually a Terminator undercuts the majority of the dramatic tension of the first half of the movie. That would be a sweet fucking reveal. As it was, not so much.
2) I could have honestly used more all-out fucking robot war. There’s no such thing as too much.
3) Skynet is a fucking Bond villain! They capture Kyle Reese and use him as bait to lure John Connor into a trap. Why don’t you just fucking kill Kyle Reese when he’s sitting helplessly in one of your prison cells? Because, if you do, John Connor doesn’t exist. That’s beyond a James Bond deathtrap. That’s like an old Adam West Batman fucking death trap. And not a Joker one. That’s like a Maxie Zeus death trap. I know Christian Bale is Batman now, but in the Dark Knight Heath Ledger didn’t try to kill him with a giant flyswatter or something retarded like that. I mean, isn’t that the machines’s plot in the first three movies, make it so John Connor doesn’t exist in their time? And sure, that doesn’t really work out for them those three times, but still, the guy’s future father is locked up in a prison cell in your headquarters. A headquarters that is hip-deep in Terminators. What more do you need? Do you need me to walk through the screen into movie world and hold him down for you? No, you want to take the most roundabout fucking way to get to your goal? Say you want a beer. And the beer isn’t a twist off, it needs a bottle opener. And you try to use the bottle opener, but that bottle cap is really on there, so even after three times it’s still on there. What do you do? You use the bottle opener again, right? You don’t go buy a new car, right? Still, it would have made more sense if Skynet just went and bought a new car. Jesus.

However, it was still so much better than Wolverine. Seriously, Wolverine fucking sucked.

All right, that’s more than enough Nelson for one week. I’m out of here.

See you next week.

–> N.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Two things:
1) Birthday shout-out to Margaret! I was unaware that her birthday is tomorrow when I wrote the TWiN.
2) I watched the G.I. Joe trailer. Why are the Joes wearing robot suits? What the fuck?
PS- my predictive text has learned the word fuck! Go science!
I'm not a doctor, but 12:30 in the morning seems like too late to see some people with their toddler in Dillons. Though, Nothing Compares 2 U is playing, so maybe all bets are off.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 19

Finals week! Which means soon the town will be many college kids lighter. It’s our time! Our time down here! This week we’ve got the return of Bill O’Reilly (kind of), fun with stereotypes, a dream of evil Shatner, the scourge of scream-singing, me actually reading a book again, a plea to Doc Brown to do a guy a solid and more mentions of semen than I’d normally care to include.

Birthday shout-out to nobody, I think. I’m pretty sure. Nobody I know about, anyway.

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

That’s right, I actually read this week! Suck it, books! I own you!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Really? You’re going to do the repressed Irish thing? Be Italian for, like, one second. ‘I’m Jack. I don’t know who-a my real father is. I’m so emotional I’m-a gonna smash these barrels.’”
--“Sorry about the whole murder-house thing. That was my bad.”
--“How about this: Time travel, right? Good so far? And? Yep: Reese fucking Witherspoon. And, wait for it: a quaint family-owned bakery . . . threatened by gay vampire developers. Booya!”

Here it is! My new, retooled O’Reilly segment! Worth the wait? Probably not! But enjoy!

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I like air conditioning. It keeps me cool in hot weather. I wish everybody could have air conditioning. Is that socialist? I hope not, because I’d rather be dead than red!
Did you know that the concept of air conditioning is known to have been applied in Ancient Rome, where aqueduct water was circulated through the walls of certain houses to cool them? Similar techniques in medieval Persia involved the use of cisterns and wind towers to cool buildings during the hot season. Modern air conditioning emerged from advances in chemistry during the 19th century, and the first large-scale electrical air conditioning was invented and used in 1902 by Willis Haviland Carrier. Now there’s a guy who knew how to be cool! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!
Do you like dragons?
12 May 2009"

These are actual emails I’m be sending to Bill O’Reilly on a weekly basis to the address in the back of his O’Reilly Factor for Kids book. Any replies received will also be included.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Saudi Arabia’s government said that it would consider banning marriage for girls under 18. The possible policy change follows an international outcry over news that an 8-year-old Saudi girl had been married to, and granted a divorce from, a man in his 50s.”
-“A survey this week found that French people spend more time sleeping and eating than do people in any other developed nation. The average Frenchman sleeps nine hours a day, and whiles away two hours a day over is meals.”
-“A racial-sensitivity pamphlet issued by the Delaware Department of Transportation has been accused of insensitivity. The pamphlet advises employees to avoid such ‘workplace faux pas’ as asking gay co-workers whether they’ve ‘thought about getting help’; offering black co-workers ‘chicken or watermelon’ for lunch; and asking Latino co-workers, ‘Can you help me out with my landscaping?’” (I want this pamphlet!)
-“A New York court has ruled that golfers are not legally required to shout ‘Fore!.’ Dr. Azad Anand lost an eye when a friend, Dr. Anoop Kapoor, struck him with a shanked shot in 2002. Anand sued Kapoor for damages, claiming he should have yelled the traditional golfers’ warning, but the state appellate court this week sided with Kapoor, ruling that the danger of getting hit is an ‘inherent risk of the game of golf.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Having to listen to that fucking kid scream-singing on American Idol when it runs a minute or two over into the beginning of Fringe. At least I won’t have to do it again this season. Kid bugs me. The whole show bugs me, but that kid takes it to a new level.
-Fucking Subway commercials. Your idea for a fun commercial is having people sing your jingle badly? What the fuck?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The new Star Trek movie. Cause it was a whole lot of fun. I recommend you go see it. Good times. If they can find a way to get Shatner in the next one, even better. My suggestion? Make Shatner a Khan-style villain. How much fun would evil Shatner be? Give him a goatee and fucking set him loose. A collection of drunk texts. Funny stuff.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A couple guys on the back porch of the Pig repeatedly talking about semen to this chick who clearly isn’t enjoying the conversation.
-Saw a guy taking his young daughter for a walk and all he was wearing was a pair of pajama pants and a trucker hat. My only guess is he’s in a dance team and he left the shirt and shoes at home so we wouldn’t get served. (rimshot) Thank you. Thank you.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“If JJ Abrams and Joss Whedon come together for a collaboration, will it simply be the greatest piece of pop culture entertainment EVER or will I cream my pants and then die of ecstasy?”
-Very possibly both. If it ever happens, I’m going to have to not watch it with you. I don’t want to have to explain a semen-soaked dead body to the police. Again. I’ve got two strikes!

I was talking to Gaus and Emily yesterday about how there needs to be a Reign of Fire 2. But we want McConaughey in it, so there’s three possibilities. Either scene one is him cutting his way out of the dragon’s stomach. Or it’s a prequel. Or we Godfather 2 it with the past and present mojo. Let’s do this thing, Hollywood!

My dad was on the radio Tuesday morning. On that British guy on KLWN, Jeremy’s show. I’m not sure exactly why he was on there, I think to talk about what he does at the Dole, but I guess he was also talking about some stories from the old days and Jeremy ket trying to get him to say he was a spy. Whenever they update the website so his bit is online, I’ll let you know.

Has everybody heard about the proposed tax on soda to help fund health care? One quarter of one percent per ounce? You know what, I think that’s a fucking good idea. I also think we can add a little tax like that to candy, chips, all kinds of unhealthy, delicious stuff. Why the hell not? Because that shit is reasonable. A nickel more for a 20 ounce soda? Reasonable. Cause when they raise taxes on cigarettes (something else unhealthy and delicious), it’s like fifty cents for a pack of 20. And it funds whatever. I don’t even know what ut funds. But watching people get up in arms on TV about paying a fraction more for soda for a good cause, that’s kind of aggravating. And it adds up. Somebody getting cheaper diabetes medicine because you pay more for drinking sugary drinks or cancer surgery because I pay more to smoke a cigarette, that’s actually contributing to a system you may need to use for the same reason. It makes more sense than me having to help pay for some kid’s education because I smoke a cigarette. Which, sure, makes sense too, on a certain level. I don’t know. It just seems to me like a fair way to help pay for a needed service that’ll be difficult to fund, and at a negligible cost to consumers. Regardless, my point is: cigarettes are too fucking expensive! I would pay a quarter more for 20 ounces of soda if I could get a pack of cigarettes for under four dollars. Remember when cigarettes were 2 bucks a pack? And I mean the good kind, not fucking Sundance or GPC. A pack of Marlboros. 2 bucks. There’s been a couple times where I’ve been asked if I’d like to go back in time to high school, and I would, but only to stock up on cigarettes. Hypothetically, would it be fun to be that age again. Doc Brown hasn’t asked me to actually go back in time. But that would be a sweet way to stock up on smokes too. Doc Brown! If you read This Week in Nelson, pick my ass up! And bring the space train, not the De Lorean. I need room to haul some shit! Let’s do this thing!

Fuck it, I need a smoke. See you next week.

–> N.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 18

Man, it is full-on Spring up in this. I can tell, because the locks on my car don’t want to work, which is what happens in warm weather. For some reason. I hate it. Anyway, this week we’ve got Mexican drug cartel ethics, stripper-clowns, the best rickshaw ever, the second coming of the Royals, the insidious nature of Facebook, the suckitude of Wolverine, and the homoerotic-sounding physical prowess of an NBA star. Here it comes.

Birthday shout-out to Brad, belatedly! And to Trish! Double the birthdays! Double the intercourse nine months and twenty-something years ago! I know, I went too far, and for too little.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I actually read nothing this week, but if I had, it would have been these two books. Sigh. So lazy.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“You mean you don’t want to talk about my inflamed vagina?”
--“When I think party, I think strippers!”
“When I think party, I think clowns!”
(in unison:) “STRIPPER-CLOWNS!”
“That was the Reese’s of party ideas!”
--“He’s phenomenal at the rear naked choke . . . my chest cavity still hurts.” (I won’t say what this was about, but I will say that the aforementioned he is Shaq.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The leader of one Mexican drug cartel called ‘the Family’ has insisted that when gang members are not selling cocaine and murdering rivals, they should attend gang-run classes in ethics, values, and personal improvement, and should abstain from drugs and alcohol.”
-“The New York Post revealed that some trendy Manhattan restaurants are making up for a downturn in business by sneakily charging diners for bread, the butter to go with it, tap water, and the ice in drinks.” (Damn! They need to go take some Mexican drug cartel classes in ethics.)
-“As a cost-cutting measure, the U.S. Bureau of Prisons has been allowing prisoners to transfer themselves, unescorted, from one prison to another. Officials confirmed that some prisoners at minimum security facilities are given bus tickets and told to make the trip to the next prison on their own, and that some prisoners have seized the opportunity to escape. On the other hand, said spokeswoman Traci Billingsley, ‘the savings is substantial.’” (My only hope is these people are non-violent drug offenders. Seriously, though, that’s an insane test of will. Go back to prison or just keep going?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Not knowing whether several of the TV shows I watch are going to be back next year or not, yet.
-The Wolverine movie. Cause it sucked. More on that in a minute.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The Royals being a force to be reckoned with. It’s been over a month and we’re still leading the division, a division which looks pretty weak overall, and we have the best ace in the league right now? It’s early yet, but I think we may actually see the playoffs this year. And even if we don’t, we’ll at least be right in this thing till the end. How fucking cool is that? Now, if only they could figure out their hot dog problems.
-Reaper, again. The last episode had a bear, a gentleman’s gentleman being shot with a paintball gun, stripper-clowns, and a semi-religious movement which tangentially involves the song Jessie’s Girl. Great show. Too bad it probably won’t be back next year.
-Lost, again. Shit is really coming to a head on that motherfucker, I tell you what.
-The series finale of Scrubs. What a nice, touching way to wrap all that up. That whole future fantasy at the end was fucking heartwarming. However, I don’t like what I’m hearing about there maybe being another season with some of the stars in limited roles. You ended that thing right. It’s time to let go.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Odd, but AWESOME. I was driving to work recently and next to me on Iowa was a vehicle which defies imagination. It had a motorcycle base, and the front half was still a motorcycle. The back half had two wheels, a red velvet bench seat, and a red metal grate platform for storage which sat over an insane looking motor. And under the handlebars up front was a control panel with colored buttons and silver switches like the weapons controls to a 70's era James Bond car. Coolest! Rickshaw! Ever!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Why is ‘The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the Week’ still under construction? It’s becoming the Southwest Trafficway of This Week in Nelson. Could we at least get an idea of what’s to come? I’m mad.”
-Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about it. Something is either coming there, or if it doesn’t pan out, an explanation will be provided. Regardless, the Baker Wetlands only play a very small part on why construction is taking so long. Your wait is almost over.

Going to see the new Star Trek tonight. Hoping it’s at least a good time. Feeling like it’ll at least be better than Wolverine. Cause that sucked. Why did it suck? Here’s four reasons:
1) It was fucking ridiculous. They give him the metal bones, try to double-cross him, then they’re surprised when they can’t kill him after saying that they’ve made him indestructible. They send two cars and a helicopter after him, he kills those guys, and they’re like, “What? How?”And he doesn’t remember who he is because they shoot him in the head with bullets made of the same metal and explain that he’ll heal, but his memories won’t. What the fuck? And Cyclops is there, with all the other captured mutants, and his eyes are covered so he doesn’t see Wolverine save everybody, but then Professor X shows up (with ridiculous computer effects to make Patrick Stewart look younger) and takes all those mutants off to form the X-Men, but Cyclops is never like, “who was that guy with the claws?” Even when he meets Wolverine later, no one ever figures this out? And the evil plan is to make a super mutant killer with all kinds of powers, and they pull it off, but even though they pull it off they just drop this project? We’re supposed to think it’s fine that in the future the same bad guy has a plan that isn’t as good to kill mutants? It makes no fucking sense.
2) They did the move I hate of having flashbacks during the movie to things that happened in the movie without providing new information, even flashing back on shit that just happened not ten minutes ago. I know it happened. I’m watching the movie.
3) It was derivative as all hell. It was such a generic action movie with no real imagination. Ryan was sitting next to me, and he said “It’s just got all those shots you always see in an action movie. It’s like the kind of movie I would direct if I were directing an action movie. I’d be like, I’ve seen this before, let’s do this.” I’m paraphrasing him a bit, but what he said is 100% true.
4) This one is a little more of a comic book fan kind of complaint. I’ve always loved me some Wolverine. I’ve read a lot of him over the years. When you make a comic book movie, you have to tweak stuff around, condense stuff, do things to make stuff more cinematic. That’s legit. I don’t care when you fuck around with stuff to make a good movie. Some of these characters have been around for 30, 40 years, or more. But when you do weird, pointless stuff with characters to make a bad movie, it bugs me. And when you have easy openings to drop stuff in and don’t take it, it bugs me too. I won’t go on about that, I’ll just say it bugs me.
Now, it’s not all bad. I’ll admit it. There’s some decent action at points. And there’s some funny lines. And I kind of dug the opening credits montage of Wolverine and Sabretooth fighting in various wars. But honestly, that movie was C- at best. Just thoroughly fucking disappointing. And I hope Star Trek is better. I’ll let you know.

Slightly addicted to the Facebook lately. Checking it out a few times a day. Mostly because I have it on my phone, too. It’s fucking insidious. Though, it’s cool to be in touch with people. She’s a double-edged sword, I suppose. If you’re on it and we aren’t friends, find a brother.

Once again, we’ve lost another hero. Dom DeLuise, let flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. I’d still been holding out hope for another Cannonball Run. Now that dream is dead to me.

No one die this next week! I can’t take any more!

See you next week.

–> N.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Cote Smith is NOT poop.

Went and saw Cote read from his story Hurt People which was published in One Story ( It was so much better than Wolverine it's almost unbelievable. CO-TE! CO-TE! CO-TE! CO-TE!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Wolverine was poop.

Saw X-Men Origins: Wolverine on Thursday, as I said I would, and that's my verdict. Poop. There's definitely worse movies. There's definitely worse comic book movies. But it's still bad. Badly directed. Badly written. Ridiculous at points. Nonsensical at others. There's some decent action and a couple funny lines, but overall? Poop. Disappointing poop. I heard someone leaving say "It's no Dark Knight." I'd say "It's no X-Men 3." I'd even say "It's no Superman Returns." If any of that tells you anything. If you can see it for free, go ahead, sure, but I can't reccommend spending money on it. Poop.