This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 25

Hey hey hey. Little late this week, but I’ve been high for three days. As such, I’m coming to you tonight from the inside of a lightning bolt. It’s pretty cool, I guess, being one with a pure electrical force, but the drink specials suck and Jesus keeps trying to get me to take a ride with him on his motorcycle. It’s a pretty nice motorcycle, though. I’m gonna try and win it off him in poker once I’m done with this whole thing. So let’s get on with it! This week we’ve got a whole grip of shout-outs, proper genital care, Tyranno-people, a friendly ultimatum, and the most difficult question I’ve ever had to answer in TWiN.

Birthday shout-out to Willie, whose return to this land of freedom is imminent. This land of PBR, Perkins and more PBR. Also, Chloe’s birthday is this week, so she gets a shout-out too. And I also need to belatedly birthday shout-out Auman, who I missed last week. And, more still, a belated anniversary shout-out to Loren and Margaret, though to be fair I still haven’t missed their civil ceremony’s anniversary yet. So, happy birthday/anniversary to all y’all!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I didn’t have time to read, but on a side note, the ceiling is fucking moving!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m just wondering if he’s a fan of Bert and Ernie or circumcision.”
--“Recently, my Doctor told me that i have seriously sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”
--“Carload of Farts is like his Thunder Road.”
--“See how the genitals make use of the gap. Gap in the seat is needed to keep pressure away from sensitive genitals. Loose trousers are the best. Try without underwear. That is most comfortable.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Well, sir, I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but I have been writing you quite faithfully for the last several weeks, but still I hear nothing from you. Friendship is a two way street. Not a cul-de-sac. Love has to move freely back and forth between friends. One friend’s love shouldn’t be poured solely into the other’s bowl-like receptacle to be noisily devoured as an aphrodisiac before a night of engaging in the love-making process with one’s goodly wife (do you see now how my cul-de-sac metaphor is apt?). You are eating my love and using it to fuel the furnace of your marital bed without reciprocity. For shame!
And so, I’ve had to cease a few of my friendly duties until such time as you respond to me and earn my love. I will henceforth no longer be:
1) Checking your mail for poison
2) Checking your meals for mail
3) Sacrificing goats so that their life force might be absorbed into your dread machine
4) Sacrificing goats to make you Greek food
5) Eating Greek food in your driveway
6) Screaming
7) Shopping at Sears
Of course, all these actions will be quickly resumed the moment I receive word from you. And fear not, no matter how long you may take to respond, I will continue to send you weekly missives. Even if you prove not to be beholden to the laws of friendhip, I wouldn’t want to deprive the missus of all the joy your ingesting my words brings her. Sexually.
Write soon! I may need to scream on Tuesday!
Sincerely,
Roboman
26 June 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing really strong this week. Though I did read something I found kind of interesting. They did a study on human skin called the Human MicroBiome Project to determine all the different kinds of bacteria that live on our skin and where they live, and in what numbers. They found out that the most highly populated area on the body is the forearms, and the area with the least bacteria is behind the ears. So, the moral of the story is, stop washing behind your ears and have your forearms removed. Don’t worry, you can still have hands. They’ll attach the right to the elbow, no problem. Then mankind will be like Tyrannosaurus Rexes, with their oddly short arms and their massive jaws filled with bone-crunching razor sharp teeth. The jaws and teeth I’m expecting us to naturally develop through evolution to make up for our ineffectual arms. Which will be AWESOME! Tyranno-people are just two steps away! The line for forearmectomies starts behind me.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Fucking 9th street construction. I’m keeping it on here until it stops pissing me off.
-The heat. Fucking taking it a little too far, Earth. It’s summer, not Super Fire Hot Time Explosion Party (which is, of course, the Japanese word for summer.)

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-There was a review I read of Transformers 2 from the London Guardian where the reviewer talks about Michael Bay saying that his style is “fucking the frame,” and then responds to this idea by saying “Mr. Bay gives the frame a right good seeing to.” He goes on and on with the idea, and it’s all pretty good, but that one little oh so British phrase really pleased me.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Watching some dude totally Star Wars Kid it up in a downtown parking lot Tuesday night around midnight, spinning and striking at the air with a long piece of PVC pipe. It was hypnotic.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Blue?”
-Blue!

Saw two movies on Tuesday. Transformers 2 and The Hangover. Transformers was explosions, explosions, robots, robots, robots, explosions, and could have been 30 minutes shorter. The Hangover was pretty funny, but maybe a little standard issue. A little vanilla. I don’t know.

Speaking of movies, has everyone heard how the Oscars are now going to have 10 Best Picture nominees? Now, I admit, I don’t know the details, but the impression I get is just a straight field of 10, which seems extremely unnecessary. I can see doing the Golden Globes thing and having a best drama and a best comedy with 5 nominees for each, but just boom, ten movies, pick one? It just seems like that’ll make the selection even more relative and arbitrary than it already tends to be. The whole thing’s apples and oranges, is what I’m saying, and now they’re throwing in grapes.

Now, we’re going to take a second to pour some liquor for Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Sad times.

And now that I’m feeling sad, it’s time for me to evaporate into the evening air. And get me some Jesus cycle.

See you next week. Probably less high.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 24

So fucking hot out. And for some reason the trees are blowing in a breeze I can’t feel. Fuck you, trees! This week we’ve got the truth about British moustaches, the truth about crunchberries and the truth about Entertainment Weekly’s balls.

Birthday shout-out to NPH, belatedly. Love that guy.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Christ.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Most people who have moustaches in the UK are either gay or a fascist. Or sometimes both.”
--“He was the black guy in the Wiz, right?”
--“The only thing better than Wookiee rape is Ewok rape.” (Rape by, not rape of, to clarify)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Still no word from you, which is disappointing, but I guess I can understand it. Busy man, and all. So, how about all this Iranian election stuff, huh? Pretty crazy! Who did you vote for? I realize that’s kind of an uncouth thing to ask, but we’re friends. I thought about voting for Mousavi, but then decided to just stick with Nader, as usual. Change abhors a vacuum, and I’ve been sucked into enough swirling vortexes for one month, thank you very much.
How about you? Any swirling vortexes of late? Or do you have somebody to take care of that on your staff? I wish I had a staff. I could really use somebody to untie my shoes for me. Tying shoes, I’m great at. I can tie the high holy hell out of some shoes. I tie and tie, and tie. But when it comes time to take them off, what can you do with a knot that big? I prescribe to the Alexander the Great method of using a sword. Sometimes I use an electric turkey carver, cause it makes sounds and I can pretend I’m using a chainsaw. I’ve also tried a chainsaw. Once. Never again! Am I right? Anyway, I’m running out of laces, so having somebody dedicated to working those knots out for me would be great. What would you pay somebody to do that? And would you tip them when they’re done? Or would gratuity be added to the price already, like when I get a massage? Or am I supposed to tip at a massage parlor and my uncle lied to me?
So many questions! Please help me Mr. O’Reilly! You’re the only one I trust!
Sincerely,
Roboman
2009"

Apparently the Bryan Adams wasn’t enough. You’re good, O’Reilly. But I will break you yet.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“It was a good week for fish stories when a Florida man reeled in a live missile from waters used for weapons training by the Navy. The bomb squad that dismantled it said it could have exploded at any time.”
-“A California judge dismissed a lawsuit this week filed by a woman who said she had purchased Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries because she believed crunchberries were real fruit. She found, to her dismay, that they are brightly colored cereal balls.”
-“The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences has eliminated the category of ‘Best Polka Album’ from the Grammy Awards. The Academy says this was done ‘to ensure the awards process remains representative of the current musical landscape.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The fucking heat.
-Kind of tired of the steroids in baseball thing, what with all the Sammy Sosa talk today. It’s surely a big deal, but I don’t know that it needs to dominate the sports news cycle like it does every time a new name comes out. Especially since all the talk is basically the same talk every time, just with a new name added to the rehashing of the story that’s been going on and on. Done to fucking death. On a related note, though, do I remember correctly that the big congressional hearing in 2005 happened on St. Patrick’s Day? I have a vague memory of watching McGwire’s testimony several beers in that day. Does anybody else remember?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Working on the Victor Show. She’s comin’ on strong like Donkey Kong with a stiff one. You have been warned.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Seeing a dude downtown who looked like Corey Feldman circa Lost Boys.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Are there any Kurt Vonnegut books you haven’t read? Sincerely, I Vonna know.”
-Well, I haven’t read Armageddon in Retrospect, which is the book of previously unpublished bits his son put together that came out last year. And, as the Books Read This Week section very publicly attests, I have yet to finish reading Fates Worse Than Death. But everything else that he’s published in book form, I have read. Which is something like 20 books, I think. Love that guy. One of my all-time favorites. Can’t recommend him highly enough.

Speaking of things I can’t recommend highly enough, I mentioned this independently on the blog-thing last week, but I watched the shit out of Spaced, which was Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg (and others)’s British sit-com from 10ish years ago. It is awesome, which is why I mention it again, in the full-on version of the TWiN. Check out this fucking show. Great, great stuff.

Haven’t caught a movie lately. Need to rectify that. Probably going to see some Transformers action on Tuesday. Robots and explosions, how could I stay away? Read an interview with Megan Fox in EW titled “This Movie Really Isn’t About Acting,” which I thought was kind of ballsy on EW’s part. True, but ballsy.

That’s all. Got to try to do some sketch writing now.

See you next week.

–> N.

A couple things I forgot about when writing TWiN 3.23

These slipped my mind. Don't know why.

1) There's a game coming out for the Wii some time in the next year or so that I must have. I only know two things about it. 1) It's a Mr. T video game. And 2) He apparently fights Nazis in it. I want to go to there.

2) I've been watching Spaced, which is a sweet fucking show. It was a British show which was basically the first big thing Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost (Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) did. It's a wacky sitcom, but it's shot in this grungy kind of style with all these wild little asides thrown in. It's a quality fucking program. Check it out, especially if you like those movies.

That is all.

--> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 23

How great it is to be wrong. I thought it would be hot as fuck by now, but the weather is still delightful out. Rainy, but delightful. Hold strong, Earth! This week we’ve got the return of out-of-context quotes, a romantic stepping up of my O’Reilly correspondence, a private eye afraid of fish and a questioning of my numerical ethics.

Birthday shout-out to Molly, belatedly. I dropped the shout-out bomb on the blog last week, as well, but Molly’s awesomeness deserves the full TWiN shout-out treatment.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I actually read a couple pages this week, but it was all too little, too late, I fear.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I have not been this angry at scientists since they came out with Apple Raspberry Fun Dip. Strawberry Grape, like Jesus intended!” (This was an old one I’d jotted down and forgot about)
--“He makes love like an eagle falling out of the sky.”
--“Whenever I talk about Michelle Obama it always turns to butt sex.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
When it's love you give
(I'll be a man of good faith.)
Then in love you live
(I'll make a stand. I won't break.)
I'll be the rock you can build on
Be there when you're old
To have and to hold

When there's love inside
(I swear I'll always be strong.)
Then there's a reason why
(I'll prove to you we belong.)
I'll be the wall that protects you
From the wind and the rain
From the hurt and pain

Let's make it all for one and all for love
Let the one you hold be the one you want
The one you need
'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all
When there's someone that should know
Then just let your feelings show
And make it all for one and all for love
When it's love you make
(I'll be the fire in your night.)
Then it's love you take
(I will defend, I will fight.)
I'll be there when you need me
When honor's at stake
This vow I will make

That it's all for one and all for love
Let the one be the one you want
The one you need
'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all
When there's someone that should know
Then just let your feelings show
And make it all for one and all for love

Don't lay our love to rest
'Cause we could stand up to you test
We got everything and more than we had planned
More than the rivers that run the land
We've got it all in our hands

Now it's all for one and all for love
(It's all for love.)
Let the one you hold be the one you want
The one you need
'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all
(It's one for all.)
When there's someone that should know
Then just let your feelings show
When there's someone that you want
When there's someone that you need
Let's make it all, all for one and all for love
Sincerely,
Roboman
8 June 2009"

Try to remain silent now, O’Reilly. I dare you.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The federal government mistakenly posted on the Internet a ‘highly confidential’ 266-page report on the nation’s nuclear plants, weapons labs, and nuclear-storage sites, with specific locations and details on what can be found there.” (U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!)
-“The Rev. Alberto Cutie, the hunky Miami Beach celebrity priest who caused an uproar when he was photographed on the beach smooching a woman in a bikini, announced this week with his girlfriend at his side that he was quitting the Catholic Church and joining the Episcopalians, who will let him canoodle all he likes.” (I really hope that’s how he phrased it.)
-“A New York man is suing Bumble Bee Tuna for $100,000, claiming he found a bone in his tuna. Private investigator Robert McKenna, 57, says he choked for more than a minute on the 1½-inch bone, and while there was no long-term physical damage, he says the incident ended his lifelong love affair with sandwiches made from the tasty, omega-3-rich fish. ‘I can’t even be near tuna now,’ says McKenna. ‘Like a Fish Fillet sandwich? Forget it.’” (1) sack up, 2) I don’t think they make the Fish Fillet out of tuna, and 3) sack up)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Construction on 9th street! It makes getting downtown a much bigger pain in the ass than it should be. Hate it, hate it, hate it.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Had the first Victor writer’s meeting. Drank some beers and talked about the funny. Got the ball rolling. Good stuff. July 17th and 18th is the Victor Show, by the by. Mark the shit out of your calendars. There’s also an earlier, friends only final dress show on Thursday. Keep it in mind if you can’t stay out late or make Friday or Saturday. If that’s the case, I can give you the details closer to time.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-I’m pretty sure Kitty Willie-walked last night. What’s up with that?

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Do your ‘volume’ and ‘number’ really mean anything? Or is it just pretentious blather?
Sincerely,
I’ve got your ‘number.’”
-They do mean something, actually. The volume is the year of the TWiN. I started in 2007, so 2009 is volume 3. And the number roughly corresponds to the week in question. That’s why the very first one was something like 35, as opposed to 1, and why sometimes, when I miss a week (which has happened), the following one will have two numbers. There’s also a secret count I keep of how many of these I’ve done, which is where the whole anniversary thing fits in occasionally. For instance, this is the 87th TWiN. Pretentious? Perhaps. But blather? Not at all. Well, no more than the rest of TWiN, anyway.

Sure, a third of this TWiN was song lyrics, but I’m approaching three pages, so I’m calling it quits. Besides, it’s coming to you on Wednesday, so go me.

See you next week.

–> N.

Happy birthday Molly!

I also forgot to give Molly the birthday shout-out treatment last TWiN. And her birthday is tomorrow. So I'm doing it now, to save face.

Birthday shout-out to Molly!

Done and done.

I need this shirt!

This should have gone in TWiN, but I read Neauty's email about it after.

Go here, and be sure to read the reviews.


http://www.amazon.com/Three-T-Shirt-Available-Various-Sizes/dp/B000NZW3IY

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 22

Goddamn I love this weather! I wish it would stay this way for months. But I’m guessing 90s are right around the corner. This week we’ve got thank you’s, praise for hotdogs, the gathering apocalypse in Texas, the stupidest thing I’ve heard in months and the ravages of war.

Birthday shout-out belatedly to Stick, who apparently has the same birthday as I do.

Big shout-out to all who attended the Nelson’s 30th birthday action. That shit was powerful good times. Super deluxe big dog shout-out to Molly and Gary for traveling halfway across the country and surprising the shit out of me with their attendance. That was fucking cool. Thanks everybody! Also, in a related update, Spider-man is getting really big now. I may need to find a bigger container to keep him in.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I may need to change this segment to Books I’m not reading this week. Seriously, I haven’t read in weeks now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I may have to consult my doctor and see if there’s a pill I can take.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
-Okay, I know funny things were said during the birthday festivities, but I wrote nothing down. I have failed you. My apologies.

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
So, still no word from you about doing a show about me for my birthday. That’s cool. I know you’re a busy man. At least, I hope that’s the reason. I hope it isn’t that you have something against hotdogs. Cause hotdogs, man, that’s baseball, and America, and the flag, and babies. That would not be cool. The terrorists hate us for our hotdogs. Don’t let the terrorists win, sir. God has blessed you with a mighty forum with which to sing the praises of hotdogs across these great 49 states of ours (Missouri doesn’t count as great). You don’t need to do a show about me. But you do need to do a show about hotdogs. Because, I’m just one man. But hotdogs are all of us. “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Jesus said that before he died and was resurrected on the Genesis planet. Don’t let that sacrifice be in vain.
And do feel free to contact me about content for your forthcoming hotdog show. I’d like to think of myself as something of an amateur enthusiast. I wanted to major in hotdogs in college, but I couldn’t get into the prestigious Academy of Hotdog Education. It’s so political, as I’m sure you know. Still, I’d like to think I’ve learned as much as I could without the benefit of the guidance of the hotdog masters.
So please, do not hesitate to contact me. I am literally waiting by the computer.
God bless you, sir. And God bless hotdogs. And America, too. But mostly hotdogs.
Sincerely,
Roboman
4 June 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“It was a good week for heteropaternal superfecundation with Mia Washington of Texas entering the biology textbooks because a DNA test revealed that her 11-month-old twins have different fathers. She admitted to have been sleeping with two men when they were conceived.”
-“A Texas couple bore witness to a miracle this week when they reportedly found a Cheetos cheese snack that bears an incredible resemblance to Jesus. Dan and Sara Bell said they will see what they can get for ‘Cheesus’ on eBay. ‘If it’s only 25 cents, we’re just going to eat it,’ said Dan.” (Eat of this, for it is my body. Seriously, Texas is bringing it this week. Twins born of different fathers and Cheeto-Jesus? Is this a sign?)
-“A Massachusetts man was ticketed for driving erratically while eating a bowl of cereal on his lap. He explained that he was hungry.” (Your shit’s weak, Massachusetts. If this had happened in Texas, the milk would have turned to wine. Or goat’s blood. Step your game up!)
-“Doping officials showed up to do steroid tests at the Belgian bodybuilding championship this week and all 20 muscled competitors grabbed their gear and ran out the door. ‘I have never seen anything like it,’ said doping official Hans Cooman.” (I thought this was funny, but doubly funny for “doping official Hans Cooman.”)
-“Men never change. The latest proof of this truism comes courtesy of a sculpture made from the ivory of a woolly mammoth tusk that may be the oldest piece of art ever discovered— an erotic sculpture of a voluptuous woman from 35,000 years ago. The small ivory sculpture dates to an era in which humans first began to settle in Europe, and depicts a woman with giant breasts, open legs, and a detailed vulva. ‘It’s sexually exaggerated to the point of being pornographic,’ says British anthropologist Paul Mellars. ‘There was all this sexual symbolism bubbling up in that period. They were sex-mad.’”
-“Residents of Butt Hole Road, in South Yorkshire, U.K., finally tired of the jokes and the busloads of American tourists snapping photos of the street sign this week and changed the street’s name to the more respectable Archers Way.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The news that they’re making a remake of Red Dawn. First of all, why? Second of all, how? Third of all, WHY? That’s like making a remake of Rocky 4. Fucking stupidest thing I’ve heard in months.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Conan’s Tonight Show. I’ve been watching that shit. It’s solid. I’ve always loved me some Conan, and it’s nice to have Andy Richter back on there. I’ve decided to watch it this summer, since there’s not much other TV to watch. You know, show my support. I’d like to think Conan can feel me watching. In fact, I know he can.
-Getting to see the last few episodes of Pushing Daisies. Although, it’s bittersweet having had to wait this long and being reminded that the show was canceled.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Running into Roady and Stu’s ex-girlfriend Olivia on Saturday, who I hadn’t seen in 10 years, and the fact that she came with Ashley’s old roommates. That was cool, but really fucking odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, did you do the Humpty Dance when Chris called on people to do it? Were you any good?”
-Mercifully, I was not called upon to serve. Because, sadly, I lost my Humpty Hump in the war. We all lost so many things. Perhaps I was one of the lucky ones. I had a buddy we called Tex (cause he was from Rhode Island, naturally), who lost both his Running Man and his Bartman. And he can only Cabbage Patch with extreme pain now. Damn that war!

Saw the Land of the Lost movie. Pretty funny shit. I totally enjoyed that. I want to see The Hangover, too, but I can’t make the screening. Hopefully I can get out to it sometime soon. Anyway, Land of the Lost has my approval. Take that as you will.

That’s all for now. Sorry it was running so late. Again. I was still recovering a little from Saturday and Monday night’s awesomeness, I guess.

See you next week.

–> N.