Wednesday, May 12, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, numbers 15-20

Damn it! Another long, long absence without a TWiN. You have my sincerest apologies. Let’s try not to waste time and just go about righting the ship with TWiNny goodness. Here goes:

Birthday shout-out to my uncle Ned, Ethan, Jake, Brad, Trish, Emily and my cats (3 years old!), all belatedly. Also, a happy wedding anniversary shout-out to my parents, and a happy Mother’s Day shout-out to all you moms out there, also belatedly. And, for my one timely shout-out, happy birthday this coming weekend to Margaret! Happy everything to everybody! Whoooooo! To anyone I missed, I apologize. And if I ever miss one of you in my shout-outs, please do let me know. I’m operating off a list I have of birthdays which is likely incomplete, and cannot be fixed without your help. To quote the immortal Sgt. Slaughter, “We all go home or nobody goes home.” Yo Joe!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross (Holy shit! Finally!)
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (still haven’t really started, but it’ll be any day now and I’m really looking forward to it!)

I really like David Cross. I think he’s a funny motherfucker. I liked his book of essays, and some of them I really liked especially well, but I feel like it’s not the same caliber as his stand up and sketch writing. It also follows a consistently similar kind of a pissed off tone and formula, which is: what about this thing? This thing is fucked up. Fuck this thing. So, I felt like I could only read so much at a time without getting a little depressed or angry, despite all the jokes. So, anyway, that’s my take on the David Cross book. I recommend it if you like David Cross, but I warn that it may take a while to get through. Though, probably not as long as it took me.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It was just a glass of pee. Don’t worry. I was probably going to spill it on myself anyway.”
--“She’s the one who made a move on me.”
“You coulda stopped me.”
“Naw. You the one who kept on kept on.”
--“It’s not a vagina-themed restaurant. If it was, there’d be vaginas all over the walls. Yep. That smells like a taco explosion.”
--“You ladies know that now. You don’t go out with that type. Soldier-types with cute hair.”
--“I don’t like any of the puppet things that have been happening recently.”
--“YES! The wind is coming out of the northwest today!”
--“My uncle was struck by lightning. You’d think it would give you superpowers, but now he just masturbates in theaters.”
--“I don’t care if you’re Michael Jackson or Jesus Christ himself, you do NOT molest children.”
--“I don’t taste the beer at all, and I sprayed that puppy DOWN!”
--“When you go skinny-dipping with a girl and she takes her panties off and leaves her bra on, she’s hiding something.”
--“There’s nothing good about the ham game. There’s nothing funny about the ham game. There’s nothing responsible about the ham game.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I think it’s dangerous to refer to people as pinheads. Did Hellraiser teach us nothing? What about Hellbound: Hellraiser 2? Or Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth? Or Hellraiser: Bloodline? Or Hellraiser: Inferno? Or Hellraiser: Resurrection? Or Hellraiser: Hellseeker? Or Hellraiser: Deader? Or Hellraiser: Hellworld? Or Hellraiser: Prophecy?
My point is, Pinheads are meant to be feared and respected, not mocked. Your constant invocation of the mighty Cenobite Pinhead will undoubtedly only expand his power until he can open a new doorway to hell and unleash an army of his brother pain demons, and who’s anus do you think they will choose to be the first to be repeatedly violated by sharp metal instruments? Yours? No, you will be second. First they will come for me! They’re demons! They’ll come for your best friend first and make you watch the torture I endure at their cruel hands, the whole time blaming you for my torment before they turn their malevolent devices on you.
I treasure my anus, Bill. I want it to be left unmolested by the ferocity of pain demons. Please, for me, for my anus, find a less dangerous word to use when putting the uninformed and ill-intentioned in their place. My anus will thank you! And, as you’re already well aware, my anus can be a valuable ally, or, if need be, a ruthless enemy. Don’t push it!
11 May 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A group of female students organized ‘Boobquake Day,’ in which women wore revealing outfits to mock an Iranian cleric’s claim that earthquakes were a divine punishment for immodest dress. A 6.5 magnitude earthquake struck Taiwan on the day of the protest.”

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-No questions. Which I suppose isn’t surprising, considering my sporadic record with answering lately. Anyone have any questions? I’ll try not to take a month to answer them. Probably.

Nelson recommends:
-Iron Man 2. I dug it. I feel like the criticisms I’ve seen that it lost some of the attitude and humanity of the first one in exchange for more explosions and robots is a valid one, but I still feel like it’s a good, fun movie and well better than plenty of other superhero movies. I’m also interested in this movement in the Marvel comics movies toward a unified world is a cool move. I just wonder if the X-Men and Spider-man will get to play, too. It seems like the X-Men franchise was run into the ground and the Spider-man one took a stumble, so maybe it would be good to find a complete balance, but I don’t know. Anyway, it’s cool. Check it out.
-Lost. Loving the last season so much. I’m really gonna hate to see it go, but I doubt I would be loving it so much if it wasn’t rolling like a freight train into the endgame.
-True Crime with Aphrodite Jones. Saira and I love the crime shows. We watch them a lot. And this one is fucking ridiculous. There’s this heavy-handed voiceover that seems to see Aphrodite Jones as the Jesus Christ of crime literature and reporting, and her interviews have more concerned nodding than any hackneyed morning show person could dream of. There was a point where the camera kept cutting back and forth between Jones and her interviewee as they nodded knowingly at each other about a particular fact of a case. One, then the other, then back, then forth, then back. No words. Just nodding. It’s like a comedy sketch. Hilarious.

I realize I’ve been gone a month again, but I’m not going to go on and on about what I’ve been up to. I want to get this in the books and start from scratch next time. Again.

I’ll close, though, with some notices/reminders:
-The Victor Continental Show! We’ve begun writing and production meetings. It’s coming. Prepare yourselves. It’ll be July 23rd and 24th (Friday and Saturday). And again this year we’ll have a final dress open to friends and family on Thursday, July 22nd. If you can’t make it to the actual show, let me know if you can make the Thursday and we can figure something out. Tickets go on sale in late June. Get ready.
-My birthday. I turn 31 on June 1st. It’s a Tuesday. I’ll probably do something that night, which I’ll figure out later, but Tuesdays aren’t really optimal for partying. So, I’ll be doing something on Saturday night, June 5th. Save the date. Details to come later.

That’s it. See you next week!

–> N.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 11, 12, 13 & 14

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! Late again. Sorry. There was a lot going on. But, I’ll try to make this one extra-sized to make up for it. Let’s do it!

Birthday shout-out to Mick and my uncle Steve! Happy birthday! If I missed you over the last few weeks, sorry, and happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (still haven’t really started)
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross (almost done!)
-Finished rereading 100 Bullets by, Brian Azzarello

100 Bullets is good. It’s a fun story with a lot of cool parts and characters, and it holds together well reading it all at once. However, I do feel a little like the end gets slightly rushed, and maybe even the slightest bit muddled. The ending is still solid, it just feels like it doesn’t quite reach the crescendo that it ought to have. I don’t know. I’d still recommend it, because it’s still a great read, but I don’t think it’s one of the greats.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Okay, everybody! It’s time to say goodbye to our magic ball friends!”
“Nothing. I was being the demon’s testicle. Hey girl.”
--“Ewwwwwww! It’s my dad! And he’s throwing free throws!”
--“You know, if you were CBS, I might just rape you.”
--“How does that feel?”
“Not good. And, who will sire your children now?”
“I’ll just have to do it myself.”
“But you can’t produce semen.”
“You can’t produce semen! Cause I blew your dick off! With a grenade! Don’t try to turn these tables! (Makes record scratching sounds) I’m Nelson. I’m a shitty DJ. Goddamn it, Louisville!”
--“My motto is: As I live and learn, dig and be dug, in return.”
--“She’s all like, ‘He’s just eating pancakes. He’s just eating pancakes.’ She’s just, like, you know, uh, a whore. That’s whore talk, Jerry.”
--“When you’re tied to a bungee cord, Larry, timing is everything.”
--“Just remember, if your not riding the edge of a cliff, your not living as life begins @ 120 mph, right?” (sic)
--“I’m neck deep in love and my eyes are popping out!”
--“Why go to school? Why? When I be droppin’ it down low like I can, bitch. Right here.”
--“Uh oh! Someone fudged the bucket bed! And the only way you can help is to bring me the Vaseline. Now! Now! Achtung!”
--“You know what love is Christina? A Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Can we get one?”
“Not on your life, John Michael! You’ll eat tempe and you’ll like it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
You know, with everyone arguing about health care, there’s a question that keeps gnawing at me:
If a stripper falls off a pole while she’s working, does she deserve worker’s comp?
I mean, there’s a lot of factors, right? Is the pole made of solid material and properly installed? Is it sufficiently lubricated but not overly slippery? Has the stripper had too much cocaine? Or not enough? Was their audience interference? Is there a crocodile pit beneath the pole? What specific breed of crocodile? Is there a good buffet at the strip club?
So many questions!
25 March 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Eh. Nothing particularly interesting. Sorry.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-I got no questions. At least not that I could remember or find.

Nelson recommends:
-Not getting behind on TWiN. Cause it becomes more daunting to catch up, which just makes it later and later. Everyone else out there writing TWiNs, heed me! It’s a bunch of crazy re-edited Star Trek: The Next Generation scenes that Emily and Gaus sent me the link to. I haven’t watched all of it yet, but it’s funny stuff, especially if you like the Star Trek.

Yes, yes. I dropped a few of the standard things from the TWiN lineup. It just seemed easier to me to have a few less required spaces to fill. I don’t think overall content will suffer, there’ll just be more of a jumble toward the back end of things. Which is what she said. So, what’s been up the last several weeks?

–> The weather! Aside from that freak spring break snowstorm, the weather has been fucking gorgeous. 50's-low 80's. Perfect, perfect weather. The cats have been hanging out on our balcony, loving the fresh air. Good stuff!
–> St. Patrick’s Day. Good times! Went downtown and got drunk, then we had a bunch of people over for a feast that Saira prepared. There was Guinness stew, mustard mashed potatoes, colcannon, baked mac and cheese, soda bread, mock mincemeat pie, caramel cranberry almond tart, and apple shortbread pie. So good!
–> Fantasy baseball started. Had my draft about a week and a half ago, which I was woefully unprepared for, but which seemed to go all right. And Saira made a fantastic chicken pot pie with sweet potato crust and a blueberry pie which I brought with me, both of which were phenomenal and devoured with reckless abandon.
–> The worst spring break ever! March 20 will forever be a dark day for us. In the morning Saira’s sweet little cockatiel Clytemnestra died from a rare neuromuscular disorder and in the afternoon KU lost in the second round of the NCAA tournament with one of the best teams I’ve ever seen them have. It was absolutely heartbreaking. Clytemnestra was only a couple years old (cockatiels live into their 20's, generally), and she was so friendly and playful, and adorably clumsy. She always ran right to the door of her cage when you came in the room wanting to hang out, and she was always liked meeting new people. We’re going to miss her forever. And then, on that Monday morning, Saira’s childhood dog, Lenny had to be put down. He’d been having problems earlier in the week, but it had looked like he’d make a recovery. Then, by the end of the weekend he was gone, too, and he was such a cute, fluffy, sweet little guy. That whole weekend was just one big kick in the junk from the world. Awful. Just awful. Honestly, I’m still not over any of it, and I encourage all of you to pour some liquor for our three loved ones who were taken too soon. Man, now I’m depressed. Got to try to get positive here before the end.
–> There’s less of me! Living with Saira and having her fix me so much delicious food, a lot of which is actually really healthy, was making me lose weight. And, over the last month or so, I’ve been using an iphone app to track my eating and exercise to lose even more weight. The result is, from my birthday last year (which is the last time I’d weighed myself before a month or so ago, I’ve lost about 46 pounds. Huzzah! Also, finally got a haircut and trimmed my beard a little (don’t worry. It’s still plenty long and luxurious, just a bit more kempt).
–> Saira also made the greatest curry I’ve ever had a week or so again. It was fierce delicious. And an orange cream and strawberry tart, which was also mighty. And in there somewhere she made a strawberry rhubarb pie and a strawberry & blueberry pie, both of which were fantastic. So much delicious food! So much pie! Seriously, eat less meat, eat more pie. It’s my new diet plan.
–> Watched an insane Syfy movie called Dinoshark. So epic in its badness and ridiculousness. If you like terrible movies, check it out. It will blow your mind with shittiness!
–> Banjo Kazooie! With our internetz finally sorted, I was able to get the Xbox Live running and downloaded one of my favorite games (Banjo Kazooie), which I’ve been playing ever since (when there’s time). Love me that bear bird action. On a side note, we’ve got functioning Xbox Live for at least a couple more weeks (had a month-long free trial. Probably won’t pay for it when that runs out, at least for a while), and could possibly be available at some point to play online with other peoples. Let me know if you’re interested.
–> Easter (or Zombie Jesus Day). I played a bunch of boccee ball at my parent’s house, and then I hid eggs around the apartment for Saira filled with various things she needed or markers to redeem for things that didn’t fit in eggs. It was a lot of fun, and something I plan to make a tradition.
–> The most majestic fucking thing ever! Saira and I had headed down to Burcham (sp?) Park by the river on her lunch break a few days back, and a bald eagle swooped down out of nowhere and snatched a fish out of the river, then he perched in a nearby tree and ate his lunch. It was epic as all hell. Seriously, bald eagles are the pimps of the sky.
–> Donovan McNabb going to the Redskins? I’ll take it, sure. Works for me.
–> This one has less to do with me, but Saira took part in a week long poetry reading and is now in the Guinness Book of World Records. Unfortunately it was on Easter and I had to miss it, so honestly my only involvement is jealousy and pride, but still, it’s pretty cool.

I’m sure I’m leaving a lot out (especially a lot of the delicious food Saira made me and the other awesome things she does that don’t even involve food), but that’s all I remember and it feels like enough for now.

R.I.P. Clytemnestra, Lenny and KU Basketball ‘09-‘10.

See you next week.

–> N.

PS- Just FYI, my birthday is just down the road a piece (June 1st) and Saira and I are starting to plan a little party the following Saturday. So, keep Saturday, June 5th open. Details to come in further TWiNs.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 9 & 10

Huzzah! Only two weeks since the last TWiN! The dream is still alive! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Birthday shout-out to Ashley!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Started rereading 100 Bullets by, Brian Azzarello

Been wanting to reread 100 Bullets since it wrapped up awhile back. I always liked it, but I felt pretty lost reading it episodically, cause it’s crazy. But reading it all at once it holds together pretty damn well, and it’s a lot of fun. If you like fucked up noirish crime conspiracy stories with lots of gunplay, check it out.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“If he hits half a rock here he may squeeze one out.”
--“I’m going to have to wear pants if I’m going to see the bird.”
--“I’m sorry I didn’t know that your bad child had died while your good child was growing. I want you to move in with us.”
--“Is the rag and bone man here, yet?”
--“No! Over the course of a regular day I do stuff. Stuff that would make pencils fall out of beards.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I recently came across this ad on craigslist:
“Untraditional Relationship - w4mm - 30
I am going to be honest what I am looking for is sort of a weird request. I am looking for 2 or more men that are looking for a woman that loves to cook and clean...and enjoys being with different men...I have a problem with being faithful, I do not try to stray it just seems to happen! So what I am looking for is a group of men that would like to share me. I am a 30 yr old white female that has children....that would love to be in a committed relationship with these men. I know it seems hipocritical that I want these men to be committed when I want multiple men, but if you think about are getting the best of both worlds...I cook your food, make your lunches, clean your house....and care for your needs sexually.....but you don't have to deal with me everyday..b/c I am busy doing the same thing for the others...
I would love to try this with friends...people that would be comfortable with the other men using their girlfriend....(yea I know it sounds weird coming from a girl). Also I am a country girl born and if you are country...please please hit me up...Pictures get 1st responses... If you are interested please put "The best of times" in the subject line.
I am a bigger girl...but I can please my man to the fullest extent of the word.”
So, should we get in on this action, or what?
11 March 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The Virginia House of Delegates voted to make it illegal to implant microchips in people without their permission. Republican Delegate Mark L. Cole said chips might be someday used as the ‘mark of the beast’ described in the Book of Revelation. The Georgia Senate recently passed a similar ban.” (Damn, Virginia. I’m proud to be from you, but sometimes you don’t make it easy)
-“68 percent of New York City residents in a recent survey said they’d overheard a neighbor having sex. ‘It’s like a train wreck— you have to stop what you’re doing and listen, even if it’s awful,’ said Melissa Buck, 29, of Manhattan.”
-“In moderation, beer can be a health-food drink that builds strong bones. University of California researchers have found that beer is a rich source of silicon, which increases bone mineral density and helps prevent osteoporosis. The food scientists tested 100 commercial beers for silicon content, and found that beers containing high levels of malted barley and hops are richest in silicon. Pale ales had the highest levels, while light lagers and wheat beers had the lowest.”
-“Typos are earning Google $497 million a year. About 68 million people a day mistype the names of highly trafficked websites, landing on bogus sites (called ‘typosquatters’) to which Google supplies ads, thereby hauling in a fortune.”
-“German luger David Moeller broke his tooth when photographers asked him to take a bite of his silver medal.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I’m sick. I’ve been coughing stuff up the last few days. It sucks.
-AT&T. I had to deal with them for a month now, on the phone for hours, getting disconnected and not called back, getting tossed between departments, being told things that aren’t true, not told other important information, having people not show up, having accounts lost, getting very few apologies and no real help. Those people are a nightmare.
-Pet dander. Saira’s allergies have been going crazy lately. It sucks, too. Rarrgh. That’s the sound of my sadness and latent lycanthropy.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! She’s perfect. I’m looking forward to next week when she’s on spring break. We’ll have time for all kinds of stuff. Like seeing a movie. And robbing a bank. Which the movie will be a nice little alibi for.
-KU Basketball. She’s coming on, boys. She’s coming on strong.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Watched a couple Lady Gaga videos the other night. That chick is batshit insane.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Thank you for addressing my Beard Phone question. I've done some poking around, and I think with appropriate beard growth ratios and beard returns they were most interested. I think with appropriate beard dividends you can start beard production any beard week now. Katie Holmes seemed most anxious. Anyways, i've another question of a personal nature: Do Scrubbing Bubbles have souls? I was watching a very short documentary (only 30seconds!) on them, and while I watch them fall down the drain, looking at the camera with their big doe eyes, I worried about their inevitable death. It does look like they have mouths, and i think they eat soap scum and grime but they can't live for ever. Is my drain littered with the decaying corpses of millions of these poor bastards? Is my shower drain haunted? Should I call in TAPS? (The Atlantic Paranormal Society)
Or worse yet: Do they not die, and I've got a huge scrubbing bubble population growing under my feet? Or what if they become something in between, horrifically changing by the unnatural combination of my Old Spice body wash and hydrating conditioner needed to keep my chest hairs fluffy? Scrubbing Bubble Zombies? Is this how Dawn of the Dead started?
Obviously you can understand my fears, or both a spiritual nature and a physical one. I've stuffed hand towels down my drain for the time being, but I am unfortunately starting to smell a little... off. Your advise would be much appreciated:
--Scared Stinkin in Lawrence
-Katie Holmes, huh? You should probably keep my name out of any dealings with her until the check is cashed. There’s a prior legal situation there which is still not entirely settled (civil suit still pending). To answer your other questions, yes, Scrubbing Bubbles have souls. No, they are extremely biodegradable. No, Scrubbing Bubbles lack the strength of will to remain within the mortal coil postmortem. No, they die. A Scrubbing Bubble, once exposed to air, will consume grime, then take a nap, then watch you take a shower and masturbate, and then die. There is no credible scientific evidence drawing a correlation between Old Spice body wash and zombieism, though in all fairness, only a handful of studies have been performed as of now. Just pour a little cheap whiskey down the drain after showering for antiseptic purposes. You should be fine.

Nelson recommends:
-I Not Stupid. It’s a TV show from Singapore. It’s crazy. Check it out.
-100 Bullets. Like I said in the book section. It’s the goods.

So, I’ve been thinking lately, and I’ve realized something that I believe in very firmly and devoutly. It’s not something I think about on a daily basis, but it’s there, every time I feel lost, or scared, or unsure of myself. It makes me feel that everything’s all right, and that I can handle anything that the world might throw at me. I believe that when Pat Morita died, only his mortal shell was lost. I believe that at that time only Mr. Miyagi remained, and that now he walks the Earth, healing the lame and teaching them karate. Will I ever see him? Perhaps. Perhaps if my need is great enough, and my spirit pure. But I have hope. I have hope, and I want you all to have hope too. That’s why I share this belief with you. Let it be a comfort in dark times.

And with that, I leave you. See you next week, brothers and sisters in Miyagi. See you next week.

–> N.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 4, number 5, 6, 7 & 8

Yeah, yeah. Late again. I am shamed. I’ve been busy, though. Working for a living. Taking what they’re giving. Taking what they’re giving cause I’m working for a living. Whoa-oh. Yeah. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway, let’s try this doing things more regularly again, but this time without fucking it up.

Birthday shout-out to Saira’s mom, grandpa, and cousin! And to Becca and Gus! And to Gaus! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Finished rereading The Two Towers by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread Return of the King by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread The Silmarillion by, J.R.R. Tolkien

Tolkien, Tolkien, Tolkien, yeah!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Immigrants! That’s how they do, you know. Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs.”
--“A solitary bean on a fake marble counter top is so sad.”
--“I had knee surgery.”
“Oh! I better not touch it.”
“No, it’s fine. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
“No! If I touch it, I might have to have knee surgery too!”
--“I can’t keep holding you if you won’t stop screaming.”
--“I need to tell her what time it is. You know. That I’m gay.”
--“It’s great doing this. I remember releasing, and then I remember getting, just, SLAMMED in the face by one of those balls. That was a nice shot, Lace. You’re a stud.”
--“We need to go back to those pissant vulcanologists.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Are you friends with Steve Wilkos? Cause, you both have TV shows, and you’re both big and strong, and you both help people. And you were both former bodyguards on Springer.
So, do you guys hang out a lot? Do you go fishing? Can I come? I’ll even bait the hooks and clean the fish. And whichever one of you catches more fish, I’ll totally reward them (you) with a kiss! I’ll also bring the beer and pretzel chips! And, of course, the STRING CHEESE! (Wink!) LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!
Smell you later, bro!
17 February 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Damn, fucked up the news again. Sorry. Next time?

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Commercials. Most of them. Tired of them. Ugh.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! She makes the most delicious foods. She’s been experimenting with making pizzas from scratch and taking them in interesting directions, like Thai Curry pizza with peanut sauce instead of tomato. So good!
-Lost. Feels like she’s finishing strong. It’s really the only show I still absolutely care about and can’t wait to see.
-KU Basketball. Rolling through the Big 12. And, I got to go see both the Iowa State and Colorado games at the Fieldhouse with Saira and her family, which was crazy awesome. I’d never seen a men’s game at the Fieldhouse before, so it was extra sweet. However, this Oklahoma State game is really pissing me off.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The opening ceremony for the Olympics, and men’s figure skating.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So I had a sudden flash of inspiration while driving home: Beard phone!
The idea is essentially you shove a specially contoured phone into your beard, which has a microphone by the mouth and earpiece close to the ear all cleverly concealed in your beard! It’s simplicity at its best, and you could even construct faux beards for the beard-impaired so they can enjoy it as well.
So the real question of this is: Why haven’t you patented and marketed this? I can’t help but assume you’ve already thought of this and worked it through. What’s holding back this phone/beard revolution?”
-I’m just waiting on some investment capital to build the prototypes. You got a few grand laying around you want to invest in beard phones? Anybody?

Nelson recommends:
-Morningstar Farms Bacon. It’s fake bacon, but it’s the goods.

Saw Wolfman. Not really a good movie, per se, but it looks beautiful, there’s wolfmans going on killing sprees, and it’s balls out insane. So, I enjoyed it.
Been watching a shitload of Olympics. Curling, that’s a good game. Saira and I want to take up curling. For reals.

Okay, I gotta watch the end of this shitstorm of a basketball game and go pick up Saira from work, so I’m out.

See you next week.

–> N.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

This Week in Nelson, volume 3 number 51 & 52 and vol. 4 number 1, 2, 3 & 4

Why, hello there. It’s been a long time. A long, long time. I was busy. What with the moving, Christmas, life, blah, blah, blah thing. Many of you have written and phoned, wondering what the fuck was going on. Wondering if this was the end of TWiN as we know it. As we love it. As we need it. I assure you this is not so. Are we back? Yes. Are we better than ever? Not really. Will we be meeting regularly again after this? Yes, we will. Though, I’ll be totally honest. This Week in Nelson may well start being more These Weeks in Nelson, coming every two weeks instead of every week, but I’ll do my best to keep to my every week mission statement. And I’ll do my absolute best not to let it go longer than two weeks again. There you have it. Our oaths are renewed. You’ve waited long enough, so here we go. This week we’ve got a lot of catching up to do!

Birthday shout-out to my mom, Jesus, Jen, Sam, Chris Shaw, Gary, Stange, Aaron, my dad and Hilary! Most of them belated, but better late than never! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut (finally!)
-Still reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem (To be honest, I never really began.)
-Finished reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer
-Still reading I Drink For a Reason by, David Cross
-Reread The Hobbit by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Reread The Fellowship of the Ring by, J.R.R. Tolkien
-Started rereading The Two Towers by, J.R.R. Tolkien

Saira had the idea to reread The Lord of the Rings over winter break, which I thought was a good idea, too (though I also decided to start with The Hobbit). So, that’s what I’ve been doing, reading-wise, for the most part. I hadn’t read them in, I’m guessing, 17-18 years. Love those books. Don’t know why it’s taken me so long to come back to them. They’re fucking great.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m taking this dress off. It’s covered in blood and urine.”
--“That robot handyman is having a good time.”
--“You wouldn’t expect there to be a drug culture in the opera scene, but there’s a crazy drug culture in the opera scene.”
--“All my life I’ve been looking for a woman with plain hair, a strong jaw and a personality to match.”
--“They’ve been acting really weird. It makes me wonder why they’ve been pooping so much. It makes me wonder why they’ve been pooping so much LATELY.”
--“So, you bought your 10-year-old son a gun AND a crossbow?”
“No!!! Grandma bought him the crossbow.”
(Grandma nods while checking the prime rib.)
--“Did you hear me say I don’t like German people or the Japanese? I didn’t in any way say that. I like them the same as Irish people. And most Mexicans.”
--“Are there any other straight girls who like big boobs? . . . I read a summary of Hitler’s sex life (in a book full of such summaries) that . . . but what those two pigeons did was certainly awful . . . It was more like vegetable oil than it was like, say, coconut milk . . .”
--“Fisting!? Oh, wait, no. I read that wrong. It says ‘The Mighty Ducks.’”
--“2 approaches to poundage progression, and how to make sure the gains keep coming for a long time.”
--“We might need to take another picture after I get this all juicy.”
--“‘yes, ‘tis magic, lad,’ the old man rasped, ‘pirate magic.’”
--“I wish my feet were boners. I would do you so hard right now.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I do not sleep.
I wait.
See you soon!
14 January 2010"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Man, way behind on news. I’m just gonna skip it and start fresh next time.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Eh, I’m good. There was some insane cold awhile back that I was both mad at and soon tired of, but that wrapped up a couple weeks ago, at least.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! For a million reasons, but to name the most recent one, she even makes spending time in Great Bend, Kansas fun. And, she’s made, like, a dozen pies since we moved in together. Love her, love her, love her.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-I had all kinds of stuff for this, but I’m afraid that the delay in TWiN caused me to lose them, or lose track of which ones I might have mentioned before, so I’m just going to start fresh with this section next time, too.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Really, the only questions I got over all that time we were apart were about where TWiN was. It’s right here. Questions answered.

Nelson recommends:
-New Super Mario Bros. Wii. That’s a fun game, and it’s really fun with multiplayer.
-Scotland Yard. It’s a board game. It’s fucking sweet.
-The Lord of the Rings by, J.R.R. Tolkien. Seriously, if you’ve never read them, you really ought to. They’re fantastic.

So, a lot has happened since last we spoke. I’ll try for a quick recap:
-Saira and I moved into our new apartment in Village Square together. It’s a nice place. And Saira keeps us in hot and cold running pie, which is great. There’s been pecan, cranberry chess, key lime, cherry, citrus chiffon, apple cinnamon crumble, apple pandowdy and blueberry, and several of those there’s been two or more of. So much pie!
-Christmas happened. Got some books and money, mostly, from the family. Saira gave me a bunch of sweet stuff, but the sweetest was a build-your-own voice-activated robot. His name is Mini-Vox. The cats aren’t sure what to think of him. He is the future, and the future is now.
-Got an Xbox 360, which is sweet. Saira and I have been playing mad video games. Mostly GTA4, Left 4 Dead 2, Fallout 3 and NCAA Basketball 10. Nothing original, I guess, but all of it awesome.
-There was a shit-ton of snow. It was pretty awesome. I love snow. And it was nice to see that my car can handle its business in some fairly serious snow.
-New Years. Drinking. Yeah!
-KU basketball, barring the Tennessee game, have been looking pretty awesome. Especially that last game against Missouri.
-Got to see Willie and Stu over the holidays, which was great. Always good to catch up with friends.
-We got a couple digital 3-D-capable projectors at work, which is cool. Did I mention that before? I don’t even remember. Saira and I are planning on seeing Avatar in 3-D soon. We haven’t had a chance yet. But soon!
-Saira and I started our last semesters at KU. She much more than I
-Saira and I celebrated our six-month anniversary by taking an overnight trip to Great Bend (she had business there). In fact, we just got back from that a couple hours ago. She’s napping now. Great Bend? Not bad. Much better, I’m sure, for having been there with Saira. There’s apparently a chain of Mexican places in Western Kansas called La Fiesta which look a lot like El Mezcal, and the one in Great Bend has phenomenal food. If you find yourself there, check it out. Also, the breakfast buffet in the Highland Hotel and Convention Center? Not bad. Not bad at all.
-We followed it up with a trip to Eagles Day here in Lawrence. It’s pretty cool. They’ve got eagles and hawks and owls hanging out at Free State High School. It was pretty cool to see a bald eagle up close. They’re majestic as all hell.
-I haven’t trimmed my beard since the last TWiN, so it is full and magnificent, and will soon rule above us all with a terrifying, beardy fist.

I’m sure there was more than that, but that’s all I’ve got for you now.

See you next week. Ish. Hopefully.

–> N.