This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 47 & 48

Sorry for the whole running late, double week thing. But, you do get the second week earlier than usual, so deal with it. I got a little busy with the holidays, and having the internet die at my house a week ago didn’t help. So, belatedly happy Thanksgiving! This week we’ve got a bunch of food in me, a bunch of quotes, some crazy dance videos, a high recommendation (not that kind of high. particularly, anyway), double O’Reilly letters, and the announcement that Saira and I got engaged. That’s right. Boom! Engaged! Very happy! I love her like mad, so let’s knock this thing out so I can go hang out with her and be all engaged and stuff.

Birthday shout-out to Emily, Neuty, Devin, Kevin, and Keri and Polli’s grandma, belatedly! Birth shout-out to Teddy Gaus! Huzzah! Impending birthday shout-out to Roady, Pat and Gilmore! Big dog birthday ups to you all! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb
-Started reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I also started reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer

I highly recommend I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President! It’s about a 12-year-old evil genius secretly running a multi-billion dollar criminal empire who wants to be 8th grade class president to spite his father, and it’s written by one of the writers for the Daily Show. And it’s one hell of a lot of fun. Possibly even two hells of a lot of fun. I don’t know. The math is beyond me. Seriously, though, highest possible recommendation!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face . . . My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”
--“Let me see your nostrils, bird!”
--“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.”
--“Don’t feel bad. If I’d been at that pool party I’d have done the same thing.”
--“My dick again? That’s weird!
--“We’re not gonna have fun tomorrow.
We’ll have fun!
No we won’t! Not unless we dose Grandpa!”
--“I don’t think I could hide a hotdog.”
--“I would never bone three birds and stuff ‘em together.”
--“Three kinds of meat in your mouth at once, that’s pretty fast.”
--“He punches me until I prostitute.”
--“What else does jizz go with?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What means America to me:
1) Macaroni and Cheese
2) Blueberry pie (apple is overrated, and she’s had it too good for too long)
3) Firing a handgun
4) Rice Krispies Treats
5) Firing a handgun in public
6) Chocolate and peanut butter
7) Having consensual sex
8) Firing a handgun in public at a human target
9) PBR
10) Bill O’Reilly
Roll on, brother. Roll on.
Sincerely,
Roboman
25 November 2009"
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’m totally getting married! And I want you to attend! And be a groomsman!
Please say yes! Please say yes! Please say yes!
Married! Married! Married! Married! MARRIED!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Please be my groomsman. More details to follow.
Sincerely,
Roboman
29 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Florida’s Brevard County voted to exclude horses from its pooper-scooper law. ‘To stop a 1,000-pound animal, get off, hold it while you try and put the poop in a bag is just not a good idea,’ horse owner Wanetta Dyer told commissioners.” (Still, what about all the horse poop?)
-“The St. Louis Zoo responded to the death of several polar bears by installing a family of electronic polar bears in its empty polar bear display.” (I don’t know how I feel about this. I feel that robot bears should be in sketch comedy or playing country tunes, but that’s it)
-“The Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Ill., began selling necklace pendants and Christmas ornaments made from dried reindeer dung. ‘It may be silly,’ said zoo spokeswoman Susie Ohley, ‘but it not only brings in money and support for the zoo, it brings people smiles.’”
-“A hotel in Nantes, France, opened a ‘Hamster Villa’ suite, where for $148 a night, guests can feast on hamster grain, get a workout by running on a giant wheel, and sleep in haystacks. ‘Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small,’ said owner Yann Falquerho.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-KU football. That was one of the worst managed last three minutes of a game I’ve ever seen against Missouri. I was on the fence about what to do with Mangino at the end of the season, but now I’m really leaning toward dropping him. That was fucking ridiculous.
-College football in general. Once again we near the end of a season without being ranked in the top 2, so the whole thing is about to become rather pointless.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! My wife to be! Huzzah!
-Saira’s pie! She baked a bunch of pie this last week for the holidays. So delicious!
-Thanksgiving and Friends Thanksgivings. I’m full of foods.
-KU Basketball! Goddamn we look good.
-The Broncos monkeystomping the Giants.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Steve Wilkos’s face when a dude said he wanted to punch him. Scary! Do not suggest to Steve Wilkos that you want to punch him!
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ocre0kXgvg
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd4C8_FMdjA
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3ANUkOyDNQ
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=po0jY4WvCIc
-http://www.kent-hovind.com/theory.htm

Dan was working overtime on the video suggestions this week. Big dog ups to Dan, and his apparent obsession with Alfonso Ribeiro/Carlton Banks! And make sure you check out that Hovind theory creationist science insanity. Saira found that and it is hilarious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing this week. Sorry.

Nelson recommends:
-I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb. As stated in the book section. I want you to read it badly enough to recommend it twice in one TWiN! Read it!
-The Investigation Discovery channel. It’s all crazy true crime shit, with re-enactments and all that. Deadly Women is especially good. And fucked up. Check it out if you’ve got that kind of cable.
-Scribblenauts. If you have a DS, check this game out. It’s fun as hell.
-Noodles and Company! They have noodles there and you eat them! I love it!

Well, I think I’ve accomplished enough for these two weeks, what with the Thanksgiving and the getting engaged and all, so I’m wrapping this up.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 46

Howdy. This week we’ve got my 25th email to O’Reilly (huzzah!), me finishing a book!, not enough quotes, a warning to rail travelers in India and crunchiness!

Birthday shout-out to nobody still? Anybody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Started reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb

The Chabon really is good. And it gave me an idea for a short story I’m now working on. So, double bonus. Perhaps, if you’re really good, I’ll let you read said story when it’s finished. But, in the meantime, you should read the Chabon now.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It took a woman to bring this man and elephant together.”
--“You think not eating cat food is putting on airs?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
(I sent him the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s Paparrazi this week, which for some reason wouldn’t paste into here. Feel free to look them up if you’re unfamiliar. They’re creepy)
Sincerely,
Roboman
19 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“India’s Northern Railway hired 36 boxers and wrestlers to collect tickets, and to make sure that ticketless passengers pay the fare andd a fine to remain onboard. ‘There is absolutely no intimidation involved,’ said a company spokesman.”(It would appear theat the writer of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was something of a prophet)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-12th Street being closed on campus. I don’t know why you need it closed to complete your Babelonian hotel, people, but get your heads in the game.
-The Broncos losing to the Redskins. I always hate it when my two teams play outside of the Superbowl, but I hate it more when one of them is way out of contention and the other is deep in the hunt and the team who the win will do nothing for is the team to win it. That is my definition of a pyrrhic victory.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ll have been together four months on Saturday. Huzzah! Can’t wait till we’re living together in our own place.
-Zack Greinke winning the Cy Young, and by a resounding margin. That guy had a fantastic year, even with the rest of the team holding him back, and it’s nice to see the shitty, smaller market team player recognized. Go Royal(s)!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-This week was not so odd. Although I did watch Jack Frost (the horror movie, not the Michael Keaton one) again for the first time in years. That movie’s pretty odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, here's the thing. I bought a box of Crunchberries, and on the front it says "Crunch-a-tize me, Cap'n!" I would like to know what I have to do to be Crunch-a-tized. Does someone have to nominate me? Do I have to perform an act of valor? Is it something that's only awarded posthumously? (If so, I don't think I'm interested). Or am I completely off base here? Maybe the Crunch-a-tization process is an organic one. Something that occurs in nature. Perhaps like a chemical reaction, or a genetic mutation that will prepare one to enter the next stage of human evolution. If this is the case, then what the fuck does Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch (Ret.)? Can you set me straight?
-The Crunch-a-tization process, on a physical level, is like the end of Superman 3 when that woman gets turned into a robot. But crunchier. However, on a mental level it’s more similar to that scene in Superman 3 where Superman battles with a corporeal manifestation of his own dark side. But crunchier. It’s a hard life, and shouldn’t be entered into lightly, but many who have undergone Crunch-a-tization and survived will tell you that it’s worth it. To be considered as a candidate for Crunch-a-tization, simply send a copy of your current resume, five letters of recommendation, and a 2,000 word essay detailing your desire and qualifications for Crunch-a-tization to the Royal Crunch Institute of Northern Corpusty, U.K. You can feel free to use me as one of those references. I already have a form Crunch-a-tization recommendation letter saved on my computer. It’ll take, literally, minutes to personalize it. And, not to brag, but, my name does carry a bit of weight with the Crunchies (as those members of the Institute are colloquially referred to). Of course, there is a second meaning to consider. To be Crunch-a-tized, sexually, involves the insertion of Crunchberries, milk optional, into the anus and the subsequent consumption of said anal berries by a consenting sexual partner. If this is the meaning you’re referring to, than I can’t really offer any advice as to whether you should pursue an activity of this nature. Such a thing would be between you, the Cap’n himself, your goodly wife, and your God. But crunchier. Good luck!

Nelson recommends:
-I saw 2012 last week. Everything exploded! Everything! And John Cusack, regardless of vehicle size, condition, or handling, or the presence of earthly fissure or lava, is an excellent driver! And Woody Harrelson loves pickles! I would recommend seeing it if you want to see everything explode and Woody Harrelson eat pickles. If you don’t, then a little part of me wonders why you read TWiN, but I still value your patronage.

I was listening to some news on the radio and there was a guy who predicts technological cultural trends (apparently fairly accurately) on, and he was predicting that online retailers and electronic readers were going to render bookstores obsolete in the next 10-20 years. He felt that smaller independent bookstores would be vanishing en masse within five years, and that the larger chains would begin to disappear in their non-electronic forms soon after that. The idea of that kind of bummed me out. Admittedly, I make most of my book purchases on Amazon and those that I don’t I make on other internet sites or the large chain stores. But I do like bookstores. I always have. It is a medium where physical browsing can be very useful and rewarding. Especially when I buy poetry, I like to flip throught the book and read a few poems before I commit. Which just isn’t the same on the internet. And I don’t know if I like the idea of moving toward a system where we read everything electronically. I just like books in every way. Books are the goods. I think the idea of the electronic readers is fine, and it interests me as a second option, or a way to keep one’s bookshelves a little less cluttered, or to take multiple books on the go. But I want it both ways. I don’t know if I’m actually making much of a point here. It was just something on my mind.

Anyway, that’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 45

Welcome back. I missed you. This week we’ve got actual reading being accomplished, an unprovoked attack on Plato’s Closet, Chiropteraic fellatio, further colonic counsel, alien invaders and quite possibly the most important question I’ve ever asked O’Reilly.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

I’ve actually almost finished reading the Chabon book. It’s good stuff. Essays and all that. I just like the cut of that guy’s gib. I feel like he’s one of the people who’s taught me the most as a writer. It’s also nice to really read a book again. After two and a half years of pretty prolific reading I guess I needed a break those last few months, but it’s still good to be back on the old book horse, trotting slowly back into Booktown to meet with the Mayor, Bartholomew P. Bookington about books and book related matters over steaming hot cups of books and a delightful assortment of dipping books. And for dessert? Book pie!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Passes the ‘they can hardly fit in my mouth’ test.”
--“Maximilian, we must break into the torture chamber immediately!”
--“It don’t have to be pretty, as long as there ain’t flames comin’ out it!”
--“Hey, I’m Chad, and I work, and shop, at Plato’s Closet. Plato’s Closet, is all about great style, and great values, for teens and twenties. The cool thing about us, is, that we pay cash, on the spot, for your gently used, brand-name clothing. People are watching their money, trying to live a green lifestyle, so what we do is important. You can’t forget, that we have cool clothes. We were green, before green was cool. Plato’s closet. It’s a fun, cool place to shop. And even work.”
(Apparently Plato’s Closet is cool. And their employees address the nation as if recently recovered from a stroke. And they’re cool!)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
How come you didn’t have a moustache in the 80's?
Sincerely,
Roboman
11 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“43-year-old Susan Finkelstein, a die-hard Philadelphia Phillies fan, was charged with offering an undercover officer sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Her lawyer called her ‘a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever.’” (How did that scenario present itself? Was the cop running some ticket scalping for sex sting? Is that a thing? Is that entrapment? Gaus?)
-Want more news? Check out the odd section. Half of it is actual news.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Illness! It has plagued the woman I love for weeks now in various forms and I’m close to killing it with a knife.
-Congress. Both parts. Both parties. Full on.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! That’s right, I said it. Even battling against the trials of Job she’s still amazing.
-Jon Stewart, South Park and God all taking masterful shots at Glenn Beck this week.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5cjOlv_Uw
-http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/nov/10/oral-sex-bats-improbable-research
-http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8352107.stm
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-5AMapzFWg

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Way back in issue 42/43 you counseled me concerning Colon Ninjas and the necessity of caring for my colon. Well, taking that to heart I’ve dived in with a gusto you would be proud of! But I’m now worried I may have taken it too far, and have another colonic conundrum for you.
I just received an e-mail from SurgeryPrepNotice@onsetopen.com who has told me that “Bowel Cleaning Products Linked To Serious Kidney Problems”. Obviously this information cannot be taken lightly. I mean, it’s a Surgery Prep Notice! Have I killed myself? Can I trust that safe methods have been used? Back there? I mean, I can’t really watch. It’s a really awkward position, in more than one way if you know what I mean. So the real question is: Can I sue? Is there some sort of ninjlomatic immunity that would prevent me getting the “Compensation that is Entitled to Me”?
--In a tizzy about my tushy”
-Yes, yes. I remember you. And I am proud! To answer your questions: Probably not. Probably not. Yes. Yes. Probably, but you should consult my lawyer about that. Not currently, although insurance law is an ever-changing, ever-expanding gauntlet of rotating swords. And, as we’ve already learned in TWiN, the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. So, I’d suggest taking a lap and not doing any heavy lifting with your anal cavity for the next few days and see how well it snaps back, so to speak.

Nelson recommends:
-Bob Dylan. Like me some Bob Dylan. They were playing nonstop Dylan at the Pig a couple mornings ago. Made me smiley.

The GRE Literature Subject Test went well. I think it went well anyway. I won’t know for sure for a while. It was a lot of interpretation and recognition, so I think it went all right. It was just a big pain in the ass. I’m glad to be done with it.

I’ve been watching the new V series. I was a big fan of the old miniseries. The old series that came after it, not as much, but still, big fan. I even wrote a paper about it once. The new one seems solid, but I’m not sure about it, yet. Mostly because I’m not sure V works as a 9/11 allegory as well as it worked as a Nazi/World War 2 allegory. Especially because V means Visitor now instead of Victory, which kind of rubs me the wrong way. There were some other things that kind of bugged me, but some other stuff I dug. For now I’m interested, but not sold. And it’s kind of gay that they’re showing four episodes and then going on hiatus until some time next year. Seems like an odd strategy, and one which flirts dangerously with failure. Plus, as of yet, there’s no Mark Singer, Robert Englund or Michael Ironsides, so they’re going to have to do something about that.

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 44

Welcome. Apparently some of you missed out on the email portion last week. Something was weird with gmail, apparently, and I got like five of them sent back to me. Sorry if you missed it. Feel free to check it out on thisweekinnelson.blogspot.com. If it fucks up again this week I’ll try to look into it. Anyway, I’ve got to take the GRE.Subject Test for Literature this Saturday morning, so I’ve been dealing with that the last couple days, so let’s waste no time and move on up. This week we’ve got some weird quotes. Seriously. And a fun fact about Newt Gingrich!

Birthday shout-out to Ryan! And Perrin! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Not really reading so much this week because of the GRE thing. Finally, a legitimate excuse!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m not checking the corners! I’m running to the bathroom and praying I don’t see dick!”
--“I love Bennigan’s. I watched Magic Johnson announce he had AIDS at Bennigan’s . . . on my birthday.”
--“It’s like Ghandi said, ‘A smile don’t cost nothing, sugar.’”
--“I’LL WASH MY MANHOOD WHEN I’M GOOD AND READY!”
--“This is a huge asshole!”
“What’s going on? Is that the asshole? Whoooooooooooa!”
--“I want that on my ass! I want that on my ass right now!”
“Take a picture of it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and there’s a lot of questions I can’t seem to answer. Can you help?
Ronald Reagan vs. Jack Palance, who would win?
Ronald Reagan vs. Abraham Lincoln, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln vs. Jesus, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln and Jesus, having fought initially and then realizing they should team up to save the world from evil, vs. Jack Nicholson circa 1975, who would win?
Me vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. John Elway, who would win?
John Elway vs. the slow, endless, erosive passage of time which gnaws upon all things until they are but dust and the lingering echo of memory, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Taliban, who would win?
John Wayne vs. lightning, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Incredible Hulk, who would win?
Spider-man vs. Barack Obama, who would win?
England circa 1907 vs. Rome circa 50, who would win?
Rome circa 50 vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You and I vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Seriously, will you help me kick Steve Henderson’s ass? He’s a major dick and he totally deserves it. I hate Steve Henderson!
Sincerely,
Roboman
4 November 2009
PS- Newt Gingrich stared at my girlfriends boobs today. Please advise."

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A 19-year-old Boulder, Colorado man was forced into the passenger seat of his car by five kidnappers, but typed out a text message that he’d been kidnapped and was quickly rescued by police.” (Five kidnappers? What kind of car was he driving?)
-“The police force of Budaors, Hungary collectively won $16 million in the lottery. The 15-person squad resigned on the spot.” (Quick! To Budaors, Hungary! There’s no law there! It’ll be like Thunderdome!)
-“The Maldives government held an underwater cabinet meeting to draw attention to the dangers of global warming. The small island nation, which is less than 3 feet above sea level, staged the half-hour meeting at a depth of 20 feet, with Cabinet ministers and the president in full scuba gear.”
-“A Stanford study found that coin flips favor whichever side of the coin was facing up when the flip was initiated, landing on that side as much as 60 percent of the time.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Slow ass drivers. I’ve been caught behind some low-functioning retards at the wheel of cars in the last 48 hours. Driving 13 in a 35 is bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’re moving in together in December. Sign the lease on the place today. Really, really looking forward to it. And I wasn’t lying to O’Reilly. Newt Gingrich totally showed up at the Natural History Museum at KU while she was working today and checked out her boobs. So, I can check that off my bucket list.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XtXm_FT1vY

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-The only question I got this week was about the whole email snafu from last week, which I have already covered in the intro. So there.

Nelson recommends:
-I saw an empty box of Franzia by the side of the road today. And I’d like to think somebody had just been wandering around, drinking wine straight from the box, and when it was empty they just dropped it on the spot. So this week I’m going to recommend wandering the Earth on a Franzia bender. Somebody get on that.

Studying for this GRE Subject Test is kind of a pain. I probably should have been working on it earlier, but it’s all multiple choice and reviewing the major shit that’s going to be on the test it’s mostly authors and works which I’ve read or am at least familiar with, so I’m not sweating it too hard. And I’ll still be working on Creative Writing during my PhD, so I’m guessing the Lit test isn’t too big a deal as long as I don’t totally blow it. Tonight I’m going to try a practice test without having done any serious studying just to see where I’m at. Should be interesting.

Anyway, I’m going to get back to that, so . . .

See you next week.

–> N.