This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 34

Thunderstorms, thunderstorms, thunderstorms. Love those things. Well, when they aren’t flooding my place I love them, which they haven’t been doing lately, so go thunderstorms, I say. It’s the 97th TWiN this week. Number 100 is slouching ever closer to Bethlehem. Make peace with your gods now. This week we’ve got a pretty laid back week. Nothing crazy. Although I’m a big fan of this week’s O’Reilly email. Anyway, here we go.

Birthday shout-out to, ummmmm, nobody? We’ll see, I guess, but I don’t know of anybody off the top of my head.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Actually did some reading this week. Maybe I didn’t so much bring hell with me, but you kind of have to work up to hell. If you try to bring hell with you without stretching first and maybe taking a few practice laps you can blow out a hammy.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I never really enjoyed hats until I was twenty-six.”
--“It’s cool. Robert Downey, Jr. opened the door. Now I’m a walk through that door. Get me some bathroom sex at Applebee’s.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
My love for you allows me to pray to the
spirit of eternal beauty and tenderness
mirrored in your eyes or to fling you down
under me on that soft belly of yours and fuck
you up behind, like a hog riding a sow,
glorying in the very sweat and stink that rises
from your arse, glorying in the open shame
of your upturned dress and white girlish
drawers and in the confusion of your
flushed cheeks and tangled hair.
Sincerely,
Roboman
26 August 2009"

Special thanks this week to James Joyce for providing the body of this email to O’Reilly.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Unfortunately, my news source is lost to me for a couple weeks. My apologies.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-You know what? There’s nothing. I’m just happy. Life is good.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira’s delicious cooking! She’s made me dinner three times this week and each meal was absolutely fantastic. Seriously, life is fucking good.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-KFC has come out with something called the Double Down Sandwich. It’s bacon, two kinds of cheese and some kind of sauce between two pieces of chicken. That’s right, they’re using chicken as bread! Don’t believe me? Check this out: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.huffingtonpost.com%2F2009%2F08%2F24%2Fkfcs-double-down-sandwich_n_266848.html&h=3f1309506d9f7f28bf861d641d1bd8b8
-And, while you’re at it, check this out, too:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nk2wViKSh_M

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--Man, it’s feast or famine with the questions lately. I can’t answer what I’m not asked. That’s simple chemistry.

Took the cats to the vet this week. They both got a clean bill of health. It was a little weird, cause they both lost a little weight from last year, but they’re still in the healthy range and look a-ok. I really appreciate the fact that I can leave food out all the time for those cats so I don’t have to worry so much about feeding schedules and they both eat reasonably and don’t let themselves get fat. It’s just handy. It also helps that they stay fairly active for indoor cats. Anyway, all’s well on that front, too.

Got to see Stu this weekend for his birthday, which was cool. Hadn’t seen him in a while. Always good to catch up with an old friend. I wish he could have stayed a little longer, but what can you do?

Didn’t see any new movies this week, but I went to the midnight movie madness thing at Liberty and watched Pulp Fiction with Saira, which was fun. I love me the hell out of that movie, and I saw it a bunch of times in the theater back in the day, so it was cool to see it on the big screen again. Although, it was kind of a pain that there were some people there who thought they were cooler than everybody else and would occasionally say a line before it got said on screen, which, come on people. Who are you trying to impress?

You know what’s a pretty good show? The Closer. Saira’s got the DVDs and we’ve been watching it and I really enjoy it. It’s just a solid cop show and does a good job of balancing horrible, fucked up shit and wacky misadventures. Check it out. I recommend it.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 33

Running late this week, so I’m writing this at work. Which feels weird. And means I still won’t be able to send it out until tonight, which means you won’t be reading it till even later. My apologies, but it couldn’t be helped. Anywho, this week we’ve got a threatening proclamation towards the written word, a deadly threat that comes from the south, several answers to several questions, the murderous intentions of big cats, one current and one impending anniversary, and bathroom facts from around the globe.

Birthday shout-out to Stu! Fun fact: giving birthday shout-outs to Stu got me through college. Happy birthday, Stu!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I’ve really been meaning to get reading again. It’s been, like, two months since I read anything. It feels really sick and wrong. And I’ve been fucking around with the virtual bookshelf on facebook, which makes me feel even worse that I’m not reading. So, get ready books. I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me. You hear that, books!? Hell’s coming with me!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I. Do not. Engulf. Sugar!”
--“Thou hast besquirted me! The maiden be thine!”
--“Well, that’s the Old Western Nipple Gun.”
--“If you think you’re too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Sir, are you aware that Texas is overrun with murderous feral hogs? It’s true! They roam the countryside, eating crops and small children, stealing money, raping women, and sowing the seeds of an anarchist revolution against the government. And yet the current administration does nothing! The only thing standing between us and certain doom are brave bands of Americans who hunt the beasts with the help of specially trained dogs. They’re doing their best to stem the tide, but how long can they stand alone in this fight before the hogs grow too powerful to stop? Every generation of feral hog is bigger, stronger and smarter than the one before it. Soon they’ll start using tools, and explosives. Maybe even tanks! These men need our help and you’re the only one out there with the stones to stand up to the status quo and call for a war against the hogs! Please, contact the Hog Dog Boys at their website and ask for Zane so you can coordinate with him and develop a proper offensive against these monsters. The fate of our country, and perhaps the entire world, is in your hands, sir! The time for action is now! These colors don’t run! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Sincerely,
Roboman
21 August 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A Melbourne, Australia, pub installed a rear-projector TV on the back wall of its urinal. Now, patrons don’t have to miss a second of the game when they have to go, and can entertain themselves by peeing on the opposing team.”
-“Cuba’s state-run toilet-paper manufacturer said it had run out of paper and money, and warned that the island would face severe shortages until the end of the year, when ‘emergency’ imports would arrive.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The students being back in town. Fucking traffic, parking, crowds, bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-As of today, Saira and I have been going out for a month. I love her more than Pizza Shuttle, PBR, nicotine and oxygen. Best month of my life.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A website called www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com. It’s pictures of cakes that were fucked up, impressive, or just plain crazy. There’s a baby shower cake that features Darth Vader holding out a baby with the words “It’s a girl!” and another one with a construction worker merman. Check it
out. It’s fucking weird.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Really, Mike Lowell; really?”
-Yes, really.
--“Glad to hear you’re feeling better. So, did you have swine flu or was it something else? Also, if the chicken curry was ‘one of the best things to have ever been in my mouth,’ what was the best thing to have ever been in your mouth? Or are there multiple things?”
-The doctor said he thought it was a sinus infection, but one located toward the top and rear of my head rather than the front, which is weird. They tested me for influenza and that came back negative, so no swine were involved it would seem. As for what’s been in my mouth that was better than Saira’s curry, the answer to that would have to be Saira herself.
--“Is it true that swimmin’ ain’t got dick shit to do with divin’?”
-Yes, that is true. The physical act of divin’ does have dick shit to do with swimmin’ and one doesn’t need to know how to swim in order to dive. However, once the act of divin’ has been completed, one might want to have at least a cursory knowledge of swimmin’, or at least the ability to breathe underwater. Or be friends with Aquaman. He doesn’t have anything better to do than spot divers who can’t swim, and he’s lonely.

Saw District 9 and Inglourious Basterds this week. Both were awesome and come highly recommended by me. Seriously, check ‘em out.

Went to the zoo in KC on Wednesday with Saira. That’s a solid little zoo. Lots of adorable animals, and a tiger that wanted us dead. Seriously, that tiger was thinking of nothing but murder.

FYI: This is the 96th edition of TWiN which you just read. Which means the 100th is right around the corner! Only one more month of shopping days left! Prepare yourself for the centennial!

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 32

I looked death in the eye this weekend and death blinked first! Well, death is a strong word. I just had an insane fever for three days. But I’m cool now. They got me on some hardcore antibiotics. So let’s do this thing! This week we’ve got

Birthday shout-out to Ric, belatedly! Also, a birthday shout-out retraction, as apparently Facebook lied and last week wasn’t Laura’s birthday. Happy birthday! (Or not!)

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I couldn’t read! My brain was on fire!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“This just proves what I’ve always said: orphans are terrible.”
--“Your plan isn’t just falling apart, it’s being ripped apart by giant bugs!”
--“Did the sun blow up or was that just a dream?”
--“One should not scream ‘I want tacos!’ really loudly in Uganda...”
--“Where are you calling from?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” (He was calling from a cyborg dog)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Hate to bother you with another medical question, but I can’t really fit in a doctor visit right now. Can you just tell me what this is on my penis?
(Pasted in here was a picture of a penis infected with syphilis, which I spare you)
Thanks for your help!
Sincerely,
Roboman
12 August 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The Wisconsin State Fair introduced two new taste treats this week: chocolate-covered bacon on a stick, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches dipped in pancake batter and deep fried.”
-“China released a list of 100 health requirements for would-be astronauts. Candidates for future space missions must have no scars, cavities, runny noses, or bad breath. ‘The bad smell would affect their fellow colleagues in a narrow space,’ said health official Shi Bing Bing.” (Two things: no runny noses when applying, when going to space, or ever? And, there’s a health official for the Chinese space program that’s a panda?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-9th Street! It’s all better now, but it’s staying on for one last week because it fucking deserves to after what it put me through.
-Illness. It’s bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The dinner Saira made last night. It was this chicken curry dish (the exact name escapes me) that was so delicious it was by far one of the best things to have ever been in my mouth. And she made a cherry pie for dessert! And she looked after me while I was sick! She’s the best girlfriend ever!
-SciFi’s (fuck you, Syfy) insane Saturday night original monster movies. So much fun.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The movie K-9000. Which is from the K-9 series, but the dog is a cyborg. Weird fucking movie.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“I got nothing.”
-Then neither do I.

Saw Funny People last week. It was a good movie. I really enjoyed it. Gonna see District 9 tomorrow. I’m excited to see that bad boy. I’ll let you know how it is.

All right. That’s enough for now. I’m still getting my strength back.

See you next week.

–> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 31

I’m on time this week! Good on me. This week we’ve got even more birthdays, a return to quoting, a quest for truth, the British hatred of brevity and another film recommendation. Have you people watched She yet? I’m telling you, it is the way and the truth. Anyway, here we go:

Birthdays! Birthday shout-outs, some belatedly, others not as much, to Cote, Ceri, Laura Rose Clawson, Obama and Buckley! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

To quote the great Clay Davis, “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“The raphé to the taint is like the source of the Nile.”
--“Quick, Google Lewis Carroll and habby flabby babby.”
--“Please, let’s have no more talk of bestial orgasms.”
--“That gorilla is extremely violent, but extremely polite.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
There’s a lot of crazy rumors swirling around out there these days. And since you’re the one I go to for all my information, I was wondering if you could prove or disprove the validity of the following claims:
1) The moon landing was fake, and all NASA funding at the time was used to pay for the secret war against the Martians.
2) There is a robot with Hitler’s brain at the head of the Starbucks corporation.
3) The Hitler-bot started Starbucks after the defeat of his Martian allies in the battle of Olympus Mons, a day where the red dust of Mars ran redder. With blood!
4) Thomas Edison invented AIDS when trying to make his own horny goat weed.
5) Thomas Edison had sex with a slave woman.
6) Thomas Edison owned slaves well into the 1920's.
7) The child of Thomas Edison and his slave lover was Neil Armstrong, the hero of the battle of Olympus Mons.
8) The child of Neil Armstrong is destined to defeat Hitler-bot in laser sword combat sometime in the next 20 years, and take the Starbucks corporation as spoils of war.
9) The child of Neil Armstrong will use the financial might of Starbucks and the arcane secrets he discovers in Hitler-bot’s dungeons to take over the world and rule with an iron, caffeinated fist.
10) You once had sexual relations with Loni Anderson while she was married to Burt Reynolds.
Those are the main ones. Just let me know which ones are fact and which ones are fiction, please.
Sincerely,
Roboman
5 August 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Transportation officials in China’s Heilongjiang province began outfitting buses with large orange bricks with a string attached to them. ‘Passengers caught in an emergency situation can use the bricks to escape by smashing a window,’ an official explains.”
-“A camp for kids with Tourette’s syndrome, a neurological disorder that causes uncontrollable noises and tics, opened in Winder, Georgia this week. It’s called Camp Twitch and Shout.”
-“The British government issued guidelines for civil servants using Twitter. To explain the service, which transmits messages of no more than 140 characters, the government published a 20-page document.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-9th Street! Still! They closed it down at Sunset again today! Fucking hate you 9th street!
-The flies on the porch at the Pig! They’ve been going bat shit insane these last couple days.
-It was nice out today, but yesterday got pretty hot. I’m afraid we’re in for some late summer heat. Though, on the plus side, I won’t have to fight wolves.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Pulling even with Saira in Trivial Pursuit. 2-2. That next game is gonna be epic! And, the fact that every game so far has been a nail-biter. Love her, love Trivial Pursuit, love it all.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-The fact that I want to watch the G.I. Joe movie, even though I know it’s gonna be fucking awful. But it does look like it might also be hilarious. I think with the proper amount of chemicals in my body it may be a lot of fun. We shall see.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
No questions this week, ergo no answers.

Saw a crazy ass movie called The Ruling Class this week. It’s got Peter O’Toole in it as a British noble who thinks he’s Jesus. If you can find it, check it out. Fucking insane, and a whole lot of fun. And the best use of a gorilla ever in a movie.

Gonna go see Funny People tonight. I’ll let you know how it is.

Being a big Ron Livingston fan, I checked out that new show, Defying Gravity. I don’t know what to think about all that. It’s okay, but logistically, there’s some weird shit going on. First of all, it’s about a huge space mission in the “present,” and flashbacks to the training for the mission over the previous few years. It’s supposed to be the year 2040-something, but aside from the fancy-ass spaceship they’ve got and some other nice space travel technology (clothes that simulate gravity for the wearer?), it all still looks pretty 2009-ish. Think about what things were like 30 years ago. Technology-wise, clothes-wise, socially, etc. Now think about what they might be like 30 years from now. Could you not use a little imagination to try and future-ize that shit up a bit more? Then there’s the mission itself. In the world of the show, they’ve done a Mars mission before, which was apparently successful, but two astronauts died on it. Now, for the follow up, they’re going on this huge 6 planet mission. It seems kind of needlessly complicated and dangerous, and over-reaching. And only supposed to take 6 years. And then there’s some mystery thing in one of the pods with fucked up supernatural powers that’s supposed to be the key to the mission, but it keeps fucking with people’s heads and giving people heart murmurs and hallucinations, and it’s fucking weird. Weird. The whole thing seems like a cross between Grey’s Anatomy and Event Horizon. I don’t know what to think. I figure I’ll watch a couple more, this being summer and light on TV, and for Ron’s sake, but I just don’t know.

Anyway, that’s it for now. See you next week.

–> N.

My dad on the radio

I said I'd share this interview my dad gave to the British guy on KLWN when the site it was on got updated, then I forgot about it. But today I was editing my favorites on explorer and remembered. So, here's the address where the interview can be listened to on a little player in the upper right of the site:

http://www.aboutthehouseshow.com/previousshows/jeremytaylorshows.html

My Dad's bit is from May 12th, and it's the 2nd segment that day.

Check it out if you like. Or don't. I've fulfilled my obligation in this matter.

--> N.

Addendum to TWiN 3.30

Yeah, I forgot more birthdays. Belated birthday shout-out to Cote and regular birthday shout-out to Ceri! Birthdays! Why can't I remember them!?

--> N.

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 30

Running really late this week. Time flies when you’re making an omelet, but you have to break a little fun to get eggs. You know? Anyway, this week we’ve got a light selection of all your favorites, built more for speed than comfort, so buckle on in and let’s haul ass.

Birthday shout-out to I think nobody. I think it’s all clear this week. We’ll see if I’m right.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Yep, still no reading.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It’s just a little bit of pressure that separates a cop from a maniac cop.”

I’ve been awful about writing quotes down this last week. I’ll do my best to get back into the habit, because I feel bad being light on quotes. The quotes are possibly my favorite part of all this.

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've travelled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Let's talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and I'm feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah

I wanna know what love is, let's talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...

That’s right. This shit just got real.

Sincerely,
Roboman
1 August 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“An undercover sheriff’s deputy in Iredell County, N.C., made a drug buy from undercover officers from the nearby Statesville Police Department. One undercover officer arrested the other until it was all sorted out. ‘We need to be working together out here,’ sighed Statesville Police Chief Tom Anderson.”
-I also read a couple articles that said that a cat’s meow when asking for food is meant to mimic the sound of a human baby to illicit a stronger response in people, ands that cursing when in pain helps raise aggression levels which triggers the fight-or-flight response, which can help to dull pain. I also read a study that said that Jon Stewart is the most trusted newsman in America and well ahead of all the major network anchors, so, right on. Science, man, science.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-9th Street! Still! It’s been significantly more passable, but still, fuck 9th Street.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The weather! Still! It’s been weeks of gorgeous Spring-like weather. I fear the other shoe dropping, environmentally speaking, but still, I’d be willing to fight wolves in the arctic wasteland which was once New York City if we can keep the temperature in the mid-to-low 80's through August.
-Saira Khan. To quote the prophet, I can’t get enough of her love, babe.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Minivan hotrodding. Either that or a guy in a minivan having car trouble. But it looked like he was showing off.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Are there words to describe the level of suckdom the Royals have achieved so far?”
-I’m a big fan of catastrofuck. I think that about sums it up. And my fantasy team is really just a step better. Baseball, you haunt me.

Saw a couple movies this week in the theater. Saw Public Enemies, which was all right. I think. I was kind of fucked up while watching it, so my judgment isn’t optimal, but it really felt like the narrative thread running throughout that movie was tenuous at best and occasionally nonexistent. And I thought it was odd to make a movie about Dillinger and seemingly ignore his fame with the common man as a kind of modern day Robin Hood. But it looked pretty good, and was more exciting than the average Michael Mann movie, with a machine gun fight I’d say every twenty minutes. I also saw the new Harry Potter, which I enjoyed the hell out of. Funniest Harry Potter movie yet. Just a lot of awkward social and teenage romantic situations, I deemed it to be like an episode of The Office with wizards in it. I would recommend it. I also saw Maniac Cop 2, which was excellent. Rent it with all due haste.

Okay, that’s enough for now. Sorry about the delay. I’d like to say it won’t happen again, but I’d hate to lie to you at this point in our relationship. See you next week.

–> N.