Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 4

Hello, hello. How's it going? Good? Good. You ready to do this thing? You need a minute? Okay. Okay, just let me know when you're ready. Do, do-do, do-do. A-hem. How about this . . . stuff . . . we're having . . . huh? I know. It's really. Yeah . . . Small talk, small talk . . . I had a really tasty sandwich yesterday. Yeah, it was tasty. Totally tasty. Good and tasty. Tasty. Ready yet? Almost? Good, good. No, that's okay. Take your time. No rush. I'll just keep . . . hmmm . . . what to say . . . I had a sex dream last night about Frank— Oh, you're ready now? Okay, well, never mind then. Let's get going.

Belated birthday shout-out to Aaron. I don't believe I dropped that yet. I believe I missed it by a few weeks. Happy birthday! Seriously, people, drop me an email about when your birthdays are. Help me help you. We can do this thing. Also, birthday shout-out to Bob Uecker. For Mr. Belvedere and Major League alone, he deserves it.

Books read this week:
-Still reading The View from the Seventh Layer by, Kevin Brockmeier
-Thirty-Seven Years from the Stone by, Mark Cox

I'd read some of the poems in Cox's book before, but I'd never read the whole thing. I felt like it was time. It's good stuff. I recommend it. And he's from Kansas, so, go Kansas.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--"To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants. Rock on." (From a used car ad on craigslist. The context here, I think, is worthwhile)
--"Maybe you can live on the moon in next century." (From a fortune cookie. Once again, context here is key)
--"If you pooped, call out!"
--"It is undeniable that there are strip clubs and elderly."
--"We're no more than paper lanterns lit by an elegantly worded threat."
--"In New England, after all, every house with more than three bedrooms simply must have its own entrance to hell!"
--"You called me Jo."
"Do you not like the new nickname?"
"Just a little butch. I like bangin' dudes, so . . ."

The O'Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-I'm gonna have to forgo the book this week and make reference to the quote of his they dropped on the Daily Show where he said that it was fine to abandon your values for the sake of safety. Which out of context I would allow him is at least an arguable point, depending on circumstances, but at the end of the day is just basically a definition for cowardice and would have been right at home in Nazi Germany.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-"Bad week for divorce lawyers! A recent survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers found that the recession is making it too expensive for many couples to split up. Couples are 'toughing it out,' the group said, until the recovery." (They have an academy?)
-"The block-stacking videogame Tetris is so demanding of the brain that it blocks thoughts of all else, including traumatic experiences, says a new study. Scientists at Oxford University believe that Tetris so dominates the brain's resources that it can act as a 'cognitive vaccine' that could prevent soldiers or crime victims from developing post-traumatic stress disorder, says New Scientist. If a soldier were to play Tetris in some of the hours following a violent event, the hypothesis goes, his brain would be unable to form the memory links that form the basis of a trauma flashback. Oxford scientists tested their theory by asking volunteers to watch hours of troubling, violent videos. Subjects who played Tetris afterward were less likely to experience flashbacks of what they'd seen." (Videogames. Is there anything they can't do?)
-"What happens when you give bees cocaine? Now we know, thanks to Australian scientists who painted concentrates of freebase cocaine onto the backs of bees in the lab. During the ensuing party, the coked-up bees were ultra-enthusiastic about everyday experiences, buzzing about excitedly and wiggling their bodies when they found nectar-laden flowers. The next day, the bees weren't as happy, and withdrawal symptoms caused lagging reaction times in performance tests. 'What we have in the bee is a wonderfully simple system to see how brains react to a drug of abuse,' researcher Andrew Barron tells The New York Times. By studying how primitive brains react to such drugs, he says, researchers may find ways to stop human brains from responding to drugs and becoming addicted." (Science. Is there anything it won't do?)
-"A security guard at a movie theater showing My Bloody Valentine 3D got into a fight with a patron and stabbed him in the stomach." (I'm not sure whether to make a comment on the realistic level of special effects these days or question why a security guard had a knife)
-"A New York man attempted to exchange a 'bad' lobster at his local supermarket this week. The grocers refused when they discovered that the man had in fact eaten the lobster and reassembled the shell to make it look whole." (Yeah . . .)

I've got to give a shout-out to news! Last week I called it out for not delivering and this week it came with the thunder!

Something I'm tired of/ mad at:
-Weather. It keeps jumping from 60 to 2 from day to day. I'm getting cold whiplash. Fucking ridiculous. And it's still totally fucking with my ability to get serious reading done.

Something I'm delighted by:
-I had to get a new cell phone this week. My old phone was jacked and getting worse. It had to be done. The shitty part was that it wasn't time to upgrade so I had to drop the big money. But, since I was already dropping the big money, I decided to drop a little extra and got me an i-phone, and let me tell you, that motherfucker is sweet and well deserving of a shout-out. I love it. LOVE it. It is everything a phone should be and more. If I could, I would have sex with it. And I would call it the next day. LOVE it. I've been loading it up with the "apps." Best useless though completely awesome 99 cent app? i-pity, which is an animated Mr. T head that randomly drops Mr.T quotes when you tap him. Worth every penny. Love it!

Something I found really kind of odd:
-That i-pity exists.
-Seeing a woman and dog with matching scarves downtown.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-"Would you say that this product makes sex 'sexier'?"
-No, not really. Sex is plenty sexy already. And if it isn't there's always that strangling thing.

A quick shout-out to Jon and Keri for keeping the weekly update thing communal. I can't do this alone, people. Well, I guess I can, but at what cost? Lots of shout-outs this week. My throat is getting sore from all the awesome.

In fact, I'm going to go take a nap so that I can rest that bad boy. Frank, I'll see you soon.

The rest of you, I'll see you next week.

Or maybe sooner if Frank's into three-ways.

–> N.

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