This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 15

Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. This week we’ve got my cats’s birthday, innuendo at the Pig, a new reason for Muslims to hate us, a hot dog dream deferred and tweener Spanish Fly.

Birthday shout-out to my cats! They turn two on Monday! They grow up so fast . . . After Easter, they are now both completely addicted to ham. Seriously, fucking love them some ham. You think you love ham? You don’t. Not like they love ham. It’s not possible. It’s just not.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth

I finished the Goodbye, Colombus part of the book, I just haven’t finished the accompanying short stories, yet. It’s Roth’s first book, and the book Michael Chabon read right before he wrote Mysteries of Pittsburgh, so I was interested to check it out. It’s good stuff, kind of a dissection of class amid a summer romance for young Jews in 50's Jersey. Honestly, I kind of thought it could have been longer, but at the same time it was probably the exact length it should have been. Good stuff. I need to read more Roth. I just do.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“This is perfect. Like, creepy perfect.”
“Mmmmm. Just like the way I french.”
--“That is the most offensive, yet skillfully acted black-face I have ever seen.”
--“The monkey is shocked because he told that bitch to get an abortion.”
--“He just kept ramming it into me, but I kept singing along to the song, trying to ignore it. And he didn’t say sorry afterwards, because he didn’t realize how much it hurt, but it really hurt.” (From a conversation on the porch at the Pig. It’s not what you think, but I’ll leave it at that.)
--“When people think of Jim Lehrer, they think sex.” (That is what you think.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A recession-battered New York City launched an ad campaign this week aimed at convincing gays and lesbians that a visit to the city is the equivalent of a Muslim pilgrimage to Mecca. The new ‘Rainbow Pilgrimage’ campaign, timed to the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall riots in Greewich Village, describes a visit to the city as ‘a rite of passage.’”
-I also read a brief article that drinking tea when it’s really hot increases the risk of esophageal cancer eightfold. So, let your tea cool! Yeah, I know, slow news week.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The 9th Street Kwik Shop always being out of Marlboro Lights lately. What’s up with that? It’s been two weeks. Maybe up your order next time. It’s kind of a popular brand, you know?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-That South Park last night. Cause it went from Pinewood Derby, to warp drive, to a space criminal with a 40's gangster voice, to space cops, to nuking Finland, and I’m a big fan of Randy, so hell yeah! That shit was crazy.
-I’d say something about the weather being nice, but then it would just go to hell again, so I’m not saying a damn thing.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Okay, this isn’t really odd, it’s just odd that I spent time thinking about it and checking dates on the internet. So, I’m amused by the Lebron James insurance commercial where he laughs at the guy who’s car got burglarized because he has a Kid N Play album, and in the end he does the dance with another dude. Today, though, I thought about it, and I realized, does Lebron James even know who Kid N Play are? Cause, he was like, eight years old when they were finishing up their careers. And that commercial loses something for me if someone had to teach him about the Kid N Play dance for the commercial. And then I felt old.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Do you like grilled cheese sandwiches?”
-Yes.

The Royals game was fucking good times. Got there nice and early and tailgated up a fucking storm. Much meat was eaten. Had some beer brauts made with Miller High Life. They were the champagne of beer brauts. I recommend them. Hilary made some sweet burgers and Emily rocked the veggies. Good stuff. And the stadium renovations were looking pretty good. The K is all fancified and electronic now. The only downside to the day was the game itself, because the Yankees totally spanked the Royals. And the crowd was fucking stupid with Yankees fans. Fucking Yankees. Also, much as it was with Jesus, Royals stadium betrayed me three times. First, I went out to smoke, and I went all the way over to the railing, where other people were smoking, and an employee told us we had to go all the way down and out to the outer fence to smoke. That’s fucking bullshit. We’re outside. We’re not in anybody’s way. Fucking discrimination. So I get in line to get a beer and a hot dog. I wait in line for ten minutes, and when I get up to the front, they shut the line down. Old woman behind me was ready to start beating motherfuckers down. So I just go grab a beer from the alcohol booth and go back to my seat. A couple innings later, I get back in line to get my beer and hot dog, and when I get up there, they’re out of hot dogs! Why does the K hate me? Still, all in all, I had a great time. Go Royals!

Observe and Report was pretty good. It was funny, but not hilarious, necessarily, though there were some pretty big laughs. It was kind of all over the place, but in some ways that was kind of fun because it was just different. It was something other than a lot of the movies you normally see. I would recommend it, but for those of you who pay to see movies, I wouldn’t necessarily tell you to run out and see it right now, in the theater.

On a side note, I haven’t seen the Hannah Montana movie (sorry), but apparently it’s pretty sexy because there were reports of a guy masturbating in it on Saturday night. So, if you want to spice up your relationship, I guess go see that movie.

See you next week, happy couples!

–> N.

PS- Getting caught having sex in the Hannah Montana movie would NOT be a good time to drop my name at the movie theater. Just FYI.