This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 10

Here we are again. This is the 74th Week in Nelson, so we’re basically just killing time for next week’s 75th anniversary extravaganza. Which will likely bear a striking resemblance to every other Week to date. So let’s not waste any time. This week I watch the Watchmen, I quote Stephen Colbert, I have a suspicion confirmed and I simultaneously lose a little more respect for Utah and discover a secret facet to the impending Norse Armageddon. It’s 75th Week eve. Put out some cookies for me and get reading.

Birthday shout-out to Chuck Norris! I would say something delightful about Chuck Norris’s superhuman capabilities here, but what hasn’t already been said? The fact that he’s a surprisingly tender lover? Yeah, it’s been said, but it bears repeating. If only he didn’t roundhouse kick every time he came. Then I’d still be able to lift my left arm above my head.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Started reading Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy by, Tao Lin
-Started reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard
-I also reread all the issues of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 8 comic book that have been released so far. To help round out the Buffy marathon.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I wish you’d picked an easier theme than Super Jet Dinosaur Fun Monkeys. What does that even mean?”
--“The Laurel and Hardy of being a dick.”
--“Sandy Koufax is all you Jews go on about. Sandy Koufax and the Holocaust. It gets old.”
--“I am just trying to help you Hip Hop-ify the GOP by letting you come on my show and drop more science than a Kansas school board.”
--“Just to be clear, sex swings have been around for thousands of years It’s not like I invented them. I wish I had!”
--“These caplets release a lawsuit-resistant combination of mercury and oven cleaner that targets the parts of your brain responsible for not seeing spider demons.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“In Gainesville, Florida, traffic officers wrote a total of seven tickets for a BMW that had been illegally parked for two weeks. A neighbor finally called the police, who found a dead body in the back seat.” (Well played, Gainesville traffic officers.)
-“A new study found that 84 percent of Germans in their 20s would rather do without their significant others than give up access to the Internet. The young respondents explained that you can always find another man or woman to love, whereas life without the Web is unthinkable.” (Well played, Germans. That’s just the sort of robotic lack of human emotion that never lets us forget your tendency toward stealing pool furniture and massacring Jewish people.)
-“Two restaurants in a Rhode Island mall food court are in the fifth year of a legal battle over the right to sell rice. David Chu, owner of Cathay Cathay, says he pays extra rent to be the mall’s sole provider of white rice, which he calls ‘the backbone’ of Chinese food. But Yogi Sood of Gourmet India says his lease allows him to sell basmati rice— a long-grained strain of white rice— which he calls the ‘must ingredient’ of Indian cuisine. Legal fees so far have totaled $250,000.” (Well played, Rhode Island mall food court. Way to make German people seem more reasonable. Who includes rice-related provisos in a commercial lease agreement?”
-“The state legislature in alcohol-unfriendly Utah is considering a bill that would require bars and restaurants to prepare all alcoholic beverages behind a 10-foot wall. A Senate committee approved the measure, designed to protect children from the tempting sight of drinks being mixed. Liquor commissioner Gordon Strachan voiced his opposition. ‘Not only is the cost significant,’ he said, ‘but it makes Utah look even stranger.’” (I don’t even know what to say to you, Utah. Three questions, though. 1) Utah has a Liquor commissioner? 2) He’s not bat-shit-insane? And 3) Why a 10-foot wall? How tall are the bartenders in Utah? Is every bartender in Utah a Frost Giant, killing time mixing drinks for people who Jesus won’t let drink them while they await the day when they’ll be called upon to take up arms and fight to death in the world-ending conflagration of Ragnarok? If so, then I guess I can see how the sight of them working might be enticing to children. Seriously, Utah, what the fuck?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Don’t even get me started on the Big 12 Tournament.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-That Willie finally sent out a new Averill Report. And that in reading it I learned that Finland is apparently awesome. I always had a good feeling about you, Finland. I’m glad to see my suspicions confirmed.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-I don’t think I can top the Rhode Island and Utah news stories.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Apparently nobody wants to learn anything this week. You people are wasting the powerful resource of my endless font of information for how to make shit up.

I saw Watchmen this week. I dug it. I think they did a fine job. I don’t want to go into too much detail for those of you who haven’t seen it or read the book, but I think they made the virtually impossible more or less possible in doing a pretty faithful adaptation. It’s missing a little, back-story wise, and it loses a little bit in some areas, like the Dr. Manhattan chapter where Moore explores what his perception of time is like. But they did shoot Lee Iaccoca in the head, which is something I never thought I would find entertaining, but did. I recommend catching it. I also recommend reading the book. I recommend the book more, but the movie, she’s good. Definitely the best movie version of Alan Moore’s work to date (granted, the bar was not set so high).

Okay, seriously Kansas. You’re hot, you’re cold, you’re fat, you’re skinny. You’re fucking shit in bed. I want a divorce. I’m fucking freezing right now. Get off your ass, Spring. It’s go time.

In addition to my thesis, I’ve recently been working again on a novel I started a couple years ago and unceremoniously lost interest in. It’s going pretty well. Perhaps I’ll post some chapters on the blog soon. I realize I’ve been a little lax the last few weeks on the non-This Week in Nelson portions of the blog. My apologies. Granted, the only people I know who’ve looked at it are Gaus and Devin, and possibly Stowers, so I don’t feel too bad about it. I’ll try to toss some more random shit on there in the near future. I was tempted to talk about the Watchmen movie on there in more detail, but as in here I didn’t want to ruin it for people who hadn’t seen/read it yet, and if I couldn’t go into more detail I didn’t really see the point. And if I don’t see the point, then by God, who could?

I read a pretty fascinating article in The Atlantic about American fighter pilots this week. About how America is losing air superiority now that other countries have fighters that pretty much match the F-15, and the discussion about the new F-22, and how many we should produce. Whether or not it’s vital these days to possess air superiority. Whether a hybrid force of both F-22s and F-15s could do the job. The possibility that if we lack air superiority, we might not commit to questionable wars, but that it’s more likely that other countries would challenge us with wars we may have to fight. And it also talks about the nature of air combat through the ages. It was a good read. I’m a big fan of the Atlantic. They’ve always got some fascinating shit in there.

Okay, I’m still cold, so I’m wrapping this up. See you next week for the big 7-5.

–> N.