This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 12

It’s a less auspicious week, what with the post 75th anniversary hangover, but still, let’s make this 76th week just as mildly entertaining as you’ve all come to expect. Thank you to all of your shout-outs and well-wishings over last week’s milestone. I appreciate your continued patronage. So, let’s get going. This week we’ve got the uncertain future of my skin, the hospitable dance of the vagina, cheesy paradise, zombies and a televised plea for robot equality.

Birthday shout-out to no one, I believe. I will, however, drop a shout-out to loyal reader Chris Goulter for his dropping the science of Chuck Norris’s birthday a couple weeks ago. Mr. Goulter recently shared with me his habit of saving all of the Weeks to date, which, when he amasses the proper amount, he will bind together in a book which he will cover in the flesh of my flank and hindquarters, and then carry across the world, converting the populace to his religion of This Week in Nelson worship. I eagerly await your efforts, sir, despite the partial epidermatectomy required. Let Mr. Goulter’s zeal be a lesson to the rest of you.

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Still reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard

Captain Freedom etc., etc. is a hell of a wacky little book. If you enjoy superheroes and crazy, pick it up. It has powerful funny contained within its pages.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Contrary to popular belief, it is not terribly unbearable to poop at 10 degrees.”
--“Chess just got fucked in the face!”
--“Earlier experiments with 3-D TV included 3-D episodes of Third Rock from the Sun and Coach, but the ratings revealed that America found Coach to already be in two dimensions too many.” (Ouch.)

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The first pizzeria in North Korea’s history opened this week in Pyongyang. The Dear Leader, Kim Jong Il, sent chefs to Italy for training, so that his people— who are often starving— could sample the worlds best foods. ‘I’ve learned through TV and books that pizza and spaghetti are among the world’s famous dishes, but this is the first time that I’ve tasted it,’ said customer Jung Un-Suk, 42, describing the flavor as ‘unique.’” (Freedom is on the march!)
-“The owner of a British nightclub wrote to police to deny allegations that her establishment was rife with drug use. Police tested the letter and found it ‘covered in cocaine.’” (I just wonder why they tested it. Was it coated in white powder? And if so, did she not notice when she mailed it. Was she eating those little bite-size powdered sugar doughnuts while she wrote the letter, so she was confused? Or was she actually doing lines off the letter itself as she wrote to keep the magic happening? This news bit fascinated me.)
-“Police in tiny Tenaha, Texas, have pulled over 147 motorists on their way to casinos in Louisiana and threatened to charge them with serious crimes unless they surrendered their cash, jewelry, cell phones, and even their cars, according to a new class-action lawsuit. Police say the seizures— almost all from nonwhites— target drug traffickers, even though in all 147 cases, no drugs were found. ‘We try to enforce the law here,’ said Mayor George Bowers.” (Now, I’m not a lawyer, but something seems a little off here. Gaus? Am I right? And is Boss Hogg to blame?)
-“Human beings can imagine and plan for future events— a capability that scientists have long believed makes us unique among living creatures. But an angry chimpanzee in a Swedish zoo has shown that his species is capable of meticulous preparations for the future: He stockpiles rocks, shapes them into aerodynamic discs, and then waits hours for zoo visitors to come into range so he can pelt them. The chimp, named Santino, began hurling rocks at people 11 years ago, when he was 19— a time when male chimps become aggressive and try to establish dominance. Every morning before visitors start to trickle in, Santino roams his outdoor enclose, searching for small stones. He’s learned to make his own stones, too, by knocking pieces off the concrete walls. At times, Santino shapes his weapons into discs, so they sail through the air more accurately. The chimp stacks the stones in small piles, so that when he becomes irritated by visitors invading his territory, he has an ammunition store on hand and can begin hurling his missiles. No one has been hurt (chimps have lousy aim), but it’s an impressive performance nonetheless. In the wild, chimps use tools, but to address immediate needs, not future ones. Santino’s behavior, Swedish primatologist Mathias Osvath tells the Associated Press, ‘convincingly shows that our fellow apes do consider the future in a very complex way. It is very special that he first realizes that he can make these [stone missiles] and then plans on how to use them.’” (A world where apes evolved from man?)
-“The female orgasm isn’t just for fun, says Israeli scientist David Elad. When a woman has an orgasm, Elad says, her uterus and vagina contract in rhythm— a ‘welcome dance’ that creates a vacuum and pulls extra sperm into the uterus. Since the reproductive tract normally retains only about 65 percent of the semen it takes in, this suction provides an extra boost, giving sperm a better chance of reaching the egg. Female orgasm, Elad believes, has evolved to act as a preference mechanism in a world in which women may have multiple sexual partners. When a woman prefers one man to others, her body can give his sperm an advantage over its rivals, increasing the likelihood that she’ll conceive with the most attractive, attentive partner.” (So, if the vagina can create a vacuum, and science teaches us that nature abhors a vacuum, what does that mean? Why does Mother Nature hate vaginas? Honestly, though, I really only included this for the idea of a vagina performing a “welcome dance,” which makes me think of a bunch of vaginas doing a hula and handing out leis at an airport in Hawaii.)
-“A woman spends $300 getting her hair cut and highlighted. She comes home, waiting anxiously for her husband’s reaction— but he says nothing. It might not be because he’s a jerk, says New Scientist; he simply may be suffering from ‘hair blindness.’ Cognitive neuroscientist Brad Duchaine, who works with prosopagnosiacs— people who can’t recognize faces— has found that the brain generally does not recognize hair as a facial feature, like it does eyes and noses. Prosopagnosiacs, in fact, often make up for their defecit by identifying people by their hairdos. ‘Normal’ men, Duchaine believes, focus mainly on their spouse’s or girlfriend’s face upon greeting them, and therefore may not really ‘see’ that their hair has changed.” (Vindication!)

SO MUCH NEWS! Hopefully it makes up a little for the sorry amount of out-of-context quotes.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Sunflower whatever-the-fuck-they-call-it-now. First, my DVR won’t make series recordings of half the major networks, then they were dicking around with my signal on Tuesday which caused Reaper not to be recorded. Motherfuckers.
-The Yankees, for not putting A-Rod on the official DL yet, so I can’t put him on the fantasy DL and pick up an extra player. Honestly, Yankees, aside from viciously hating you for years, what have I ever done to you to deserve this?
-My laptop battery dying an early death. I’m going to get it replaced for free, but still, it’s a fucking hassle.
-Sams Club, for no longer carrying one of the major ingredients of Dave’s corndogs, which I have already explained, are the King of Awesometown. However,

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Cheesy hashbrowns! In lieu of corndogs, Dave made cheesy hashbrowns for our baseball draft on Sunday and they were so good that if I had a vagina it would have done a welcome dance. Seriously, for an hour after I ate them, I was four inches taller and didn’t need to use my glasses. SO GOOD!
-The final episode of Battlestar Galactica. As usual, to spare those of you who haven’t seen it, yet, especially the many of you I know to be watching the show but not caught up, I won’t go into detail. I’ll just say it was pretty fucking sweet. And, once again, a fine example of fostering equality for our robot brethren, lest we force them to throw off the tyranny of our shackles with rough sex and lasers.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-That they made a 3-D episode of Coach, honestly. I mean, who wants Dobber in their livingroom? Besides me?

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Is there anything that can’t be enlivened by the judicial application of zombies?”
-Not to grammar nerd out on you, but yes, I can think of countless activities: painting, rock climbing, cunnilingus, jumping rope, etc. that would be diminished by the presence of a zombie passing judgment on my efforts. Zombies are notoriously difficult to please, after all. As for a “judicious” application of zombies, then no, not really. That would probably enliven just about anything. Except maybe the cunnilingus. That would just be distracting. And difficult to gauge one’s efforts what with all the extra sources of moaning.

On the subject of zombies, I’ve been playing House of the Dead: Overkill the last couple nights on the Wii, which is basically a game where you shoot zombies structured as a ridiculous buddy cop B-movie. It’s like Lucky and Wild, but with less driving, more zombies, and a lot more uses of the word “motherfucker.” Seriously, I’ve never played a game where they say “motherfucker” anywhere near this much. It’s nothing amazing, but it’s good fun.

Okay, I don’t trust my laptop battery, so I’m calling it a day. See you next week.

–> N.