This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 11

Holy shit! It’s the 75th episode of This Week in Nelson! Is it an episode? Or an issue? I’m not sure. I think I’ve used both before. Anyway, this is 75th time I’ve sent one of these motherfuckers out. And what does that mean, exactly? I don’t know. But I do know that it’s good for me, good for you, and by God good for America. So sacrifice a goat at the altar of my awesomeness, and commune, for the 75th time, with this thing which slouches forth from the tangle of my brainular region and onto your computers. This week we’ve got the elasticity of the second holiest of holies, a comforting lack of snakes, the pornography habits of Mormons, possible legal action against a great American sitcom and the very nature of time itself, kind of. For the 75th time, let’s do this.

Birthday shout-out to St. Patrick? Is it his birthday? Or the snakes? Anyway, I got drunk and I didn’t see any snakes, so mission accomplished.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Infinity Blues by, Ryan Adams
-Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy by, Tao Lin
-Started reading Captain Freedom: A Superhero’s Quest for Truth, Justice, and the Celebrity He So Richly Deserves by, G. Xavier Robillard
-I also reread all of Bendis’s Avengers-y stuff from Disassembled and the Secret War through Secret Invasion, to see how it all adds up. It adds up pretty well. Love me some Bendis.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“He ain’t flung poo since I bought him his hat.”
--“My heart feels like a medium-erect penis wrapped in saran wrap.”
--“Today the headbutt is a sign of friendship, stability, and inner calm.”
--“Skinny little Jewish guy from The Lord of the Rings, what’s his name? Gollum, that’s right.”
--“Guys, women like three things: men in kilts, Southern Comfort and Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game.”
--“Why would you need more than one pair of pants? Who are you, Jude Law?”
--“Did you know the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic?”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The porn paradox! Guess which states are most interested in online pornography? That’s right— those with the highest concentrations of politically conservative and traditionally religious people. Of the top 10 porn-buying states in the nation, says a new Harvard University study, eight voted Republican in the last presidential election. In states in which laws have been passed banning gay marriage, subscription rates to porn sites are 11 percent greater than in states without gay-marriage bans. In Utah, most people agreed with the statement, ‘I have old-fashioned values about family and marriage.’ Yet Utah boasts the highest porn-buying rate in the entire nation. Why are people in ‘red’ states more likely to indulge in online porn? Perhaps they’re simultaneously repulsed and fascinated by sexuality, study author Benjamin Edelman tells New Scientist. ‘One natural hypothesis is something like repression: If you’re told you can’t have this, then you want it more.’” (I KNEW IT, UTAH! I was reading this, and I’m like, ‘it’s gonna be Utah. Utah, number one with a bullet-shaped dildo.’ And I was right!
-There was also an article about a kangaroo breaking into a home in Australia and wreaking havoc, and the father putting it in a headlock to get it out of the house, but the headlock was the best detail, so I figured that’s all I’d mention. It seems like a stereotype, though, doesn’t it? An Australian stereotype where kangaroos come into houses and jump around and these crazy Aussie bastards throw them into headlocks and wrestle them out of the house. But apparently it’s true. This is what happens in Australia. And they all carry huge knives.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The tax increase on cigarettes. Fucking things are like 5+ dollars a pack now. When I was a boy, they weren’t but 2 bucks. America, what’s happened to you?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The NCAA Tournament starting up. Love the fucking tournament. The first four days are easily the best sports event of the entire year. So much basketball. So much awesome. Love it. I spent all morning and early afternoon waist deep in basketball. Eating basketball. Drinking basketball. Rolling around in basketball. Sensuously rubbing basketball all over my naked body.
-The fact that I’ve done 75 of these things. That’s a shitload, and I have to admit I didn’t really expect to go on for this long. Go me!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Stu mentioned something about an article in Harper’s where archeologists were digging up Star Wars sets or something. I’m not sure what the deal was, I didn’t read the thing, but it sounds weird, whatever the story is.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear This Week in Nelson: As this is an anniversary issue (which is a celebration of time), I was hoping you would dissertate the implications of going from 1 BC to 1 AD without the year 0. Doesn’t this defy all conceptions of mathematics, logic, and common sense? Yours, ‘Calendrically Confused in Copenhagen.’”
-First of all, I haven’t dissertated anybody since the war, and I’m not starting now. Second of all, math is a tool of the devil, just like egg timers and dental dams, and I eschew all three. Third of all, the measurement of time as we observe it is only an abstract aggregate construction to help maintain an orderly observance of the linear sequence of events as human beings perceive their existence upon the mortal plane, and therefore it only possesses whatever structural properties and absolute authority with which we choose to endow it. And fourth of all, damn Stu, haven’t you ever heard of a Leap Year? Year 0 totally got leapt over. Apparently somebody slept through Calendars 101 in school. Don’t worry, buddy. Your secret’s safe with me.

Okay, so I love me some 30 Rock. That’s already been established. But did anyone else notice this last week’s episode where they had a sketch called Robot Bear Talk Show? Cause robots and bears, aside from historical figures, are my thing. Now granted, they didn’t have Davy Crockett, or robot herpes, or Robo-Santa Ana and the Robo-Mexican Army, or sex between bears and robots, or the Robot-Bear Adoption Center (when bears fuck robots, what can you do?), so I’m not considering legal action. But I’ve got my eyes on you, 30 Rock. If I see Abraham Lincoln smacking some bitches up or a Peanut Butter Solution, you’ll be hearing from Gaus.

On a sad note, I heard the news yesterday that Ron Silver of bad guy in Time Cop fame passed away this week. Pour some liquor, people. We’ve lost another angel back to heaven.

I hate to end on the sad note, so I’ll end on the news that Dave Gaus is going to be a dad. That’s right, a little half-Chinese, half-Gaus baby is forthcoming. So, every time God closes a bad guy in Time Cop door, he opens a mixed race baby window. Mysterious ways? Check.

See you next week.

–> N.