Wednesday, July 8, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 27

That was one hell of an America’s birthday last weekend. I was privy to a pretty kickass show put on by one Andy Morton that had the America soundtrack to end all America soundtracks. Good stuff. This week we’ve got the best abortion speech I’ve ever seen on TV, me getting way too angry about tennis, scandal involving “a black guy” and a sporting event who’s time has come.

Birthday shout-out to Loren! July 9th like a motherfucker!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Reading, sleeping, eating? It’s Victor time. Who can fit that stuff in?

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“This must be what it feels like bringing Jesus to the upper Ubangi region.”
--“An abobo, huh? Hoovertown? We used to call it ‘going to Van Nuys.’ Cause the place we’d go to was in Van Nuys. I’ve gone to Van Nuys five times, it’s no big deal. For me. Ladies tended to get a little weepy. Except for Deirdre. But I found out later she had aspergers. My point is this: science.”
--“Something smells like burning.”
“Sorry, that’s probably me.” (Actual conversation between me and a Kwik Shop employee! Guess which one was me!)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’m afraid we’re going to have to murder Roger Federer. Not only did he beat an American last weekend, Fourth of July weekend, no less, at Wimbledon, but he passed American Pete Sampras’s record for total Grand Slams won. This makes America look weak abroad, sir, and this cannot stand. We’re at war. I mean, Federer’s Swiss, for Christ’s sake. They don’t even HAVE a real army. The idea that the nation with the greatest military in all the world, ever, for all time, infinity, can’t beat a Swiss guy at tennis? I’m sure Iran is having a field day with this as we speak.
So, here’s the plan. One of us will dress up as a woman and seduce Roger Federer. I’m not sure which one of us. Probably whichever one looks better in a dress. I’m guessing your rugged and natural handsomeness will make the job yours, but I figure we can have a fun, little dress up party to determine which of us will serve as the honey pot. It’ll be like that scene in Pretty Woman. Except without Richard Gere there talking about Tibet. Unless he’s a friend of yours, in which case, feel free to invite him.
Anyway, the one of us who gets all lady-ed up will approach him and stun him with their remarkable beauty and sexitude. He will be powerless. That’s just science. Then, the other one of us who has been posing as a waiter (we’ll do this in a fancy restaurant. Did I leave that out? Because that way we can enjoy a nice meal, too.) will spring up from behind him and garrotte him to death, screaming “Sic semper tyrannus!” And we’ll leave a little honey bear behind as our calling card. Cause our assassination name will be the Honey Bears. And the Honey Bear will be holding an American flag. And wearing a bow tie. It’ll be great!
Please contact me as soon as possible so we can put this plan into action. And so Richard Gere can clear his schedule, if necessary.
8 July 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Sophie Frost, a 14-year-old girl from outside London, survived a 30,000-volt lightning strike only because it was diverted from her vital organs by an iPod wire.” (How long before Apple makes a commercial about this?)
-“A California man desperate to rid his apartment of cockroaches set off at least 18 bug bombs in his apartment, triggering an explosion that shattered windows and almost blew the roof off. Live roaches were seen crawling through the rubble.” (I like that it’s “at least 18.”)
-“Portuguese tennis wunderkind Michelle Larcher De Brito refused requests to stop grunting and shreiking every time she hit the ball during her matches at Wimbledon. ‘If they have to fine me, go ahead,’ she said. ‘Nobody’s going to stop me from grunting.’”
-“A Pentagon employee leaked an internal anti-terrorism training exam that included the question: ‘Which of the following is an example of low-level terrorism?’ The correct answer was ‘protests.’”
-“The city of Toronto admitted it Photoshopped a black guy into the family on the cover of its new Fun Guide, to show how multicutural the city is.” (I like this particularly because it seems to imply that they just added a black guy randomly to some white family.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-That Wimbledon Men’s Final. Roddick was so fucking close! The man served 39 games without being broken in that thing before dropping his fortieth. Un-fucking-real! And now Federer has the goddamn record for majors, and sure, he seems like a nice guy, but fuck him. He’s neither American, nor my guy. Man, I used to love me some tennis, but watching the American men vanish and Federer coast through a gaggle of chumps really has driven me from that sport for the most part. And, sure, Federer’s amazing, but still, fuck him. Fucking ass.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The weather still holding strong and not turning into pure hellfire yet. Yet.
-Driving around earlier today I saw no fewer than four Virginia license plates. VA represent!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Steve McNair getting murder-suicided execution-style by his 20-year-old girlfriend who worked at Dave and Buster’s. That’s insane. In-sane. And can we go a week without a famous person dying? Seriously.
-The Wife Carrying World Championship in Finland this week. It’s a sporting event where dudes run an obstacle course while carrying their wives, and the winner gets his wife’s weight in beer. Finland, man. Finland.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“How’s the Victor Show coming?”
-Coming right along. Work, work, work. Some funny shit in the works, though. She’s gonna be a jim dandy. July 17th and 18th at Liberty Hall! 10 pm! Tickets now on sale!

Okay, that’s it for now. Victor, Victor, Victor.

See you next week.

–> N.

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