Wednesday, July 22, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, numbers 28 and 29

Victor time has come and gone, hence no missive last week and this week’s double titled entry. She was a doozy, though, that Victor, quite a success. Thanks to all of you who made it out to see the show and laughed at our ridiculousness. And paid top dollar to do it. Cha-ching! This week we’ve got what we’ve got and that’s all that we’ve got.

Belated birthday shout-out to Saira, Jon and Fletcher! And full-on timely birthday shout-out to Keri! Mad July birthdays! It’s hard to keep up! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Victor really put a stranglehold on my reading time. And my sleeping. And eating. But now, I’m a free man and I’ve got the need, the need to read. Yeah.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Gropecunt Lane was street name found in English towns and cities during the Middle Ages, believed to be a reference to the prostitution centered on those areas; it was normal practice for a medieval street name to reflect the street’s function, or the economic activity taking place within it. Gropecunt, the earliest known use of which is about 1230, appears to have been derived as a compound of the words ‘grope’ and ‘cunt.’ Streets with that name were often in the busiest parts of medieval towns and cities, and at least one appears to have been an important thoroughfare. Although the name was once common throughout England, changes in attitude resulted in it being replaced by more innocuous versions such as Grape Lane. Gropecunt was last recorded as a street name in 1561.”
--“Half a hotdog isn’t a lot to have in your mouth at one time.”
--“Nelson, please don’t rain on my face.”
--“Could we have a nice conversation between the horse, the skeleton and the mushroom?”
--“And my new cookbook, A Perfect Recipe for Banana Fish. It’s so delicious, you’ll blow your brains out.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
A recent study conducted by prominent scientific minds has determined that what women want isn’t length, it’s thickness and girth. Apparently, thickness and girth create that special stretch that drives women wild and leaves them feeling full and satisfied. And apparently there’s a product that can deliver real results to this end for the modern man.
What are your thoughts on this? Is there any truth to these radical claims, or are these so-called scientists simply tools of the militant liberal agenda, trying to get us to buy into yet another unsubstantiated flight of conjectural fancy, like global warming, or evolution, or small pox, or leprechauns or rap music?
Do I need this new penis girthening agent or not? I don’t know what to believe! And I’m loathe to add yet another cream regimen to my nightly penis upkeep. Three creams is more than enough, but four? Ludicrous! Stupid science!
Please help me, Mr. O’Reilly. If anyone can instruct me on what a woman needs to be sexually satisfied, it’s you!
22 July 2009"

This will make 10 O’Reilly emails and still no word. And still no more bets in the pool as to how long it will take to garner response save Devin’s $1 bet of 15 emails. Come on gamblers! Get in the game! And honestly, what more can I say to this man to get some kind of response?

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“54% of Icelanders don’t deny the existence of elves.”
-“Low-cost European airline Ryanair asked Boeing to design a plane with standing room to pack in more people. Standing passengers would fly with a belt buckling them to a metal pole.”
-“The price of wine in Australia reached record lows due to an oversupply of grapes. Major wine retailer Dan Murphy’s is selling some wines for $1.99 a bottle— cheaper than bottled water.”
-“A Turkish TV station launched a game show in which a priest, a rabbi, a Buddhist monk, and an imam will compete to convert a group of self-proclaimed atheists. ‘We are giving the biggest prize in the world, the gift of belief in God,’ said TV executive Seyhan Soylu.”
-“A Serbian woman was cured of a potentially deadly heart arrhythmia condition this week after being struck by lightning.”
-“China’s health ministry ordered hospitals to stop using electric shock therapy to treat Internet addiction this week, saying that there was no indication that the 3,000 mostly young people who’d been shocked had been cured.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-9th Street! I remove you from the TWiN and this is how you repay me? By getting more fucked up than ever? I say thee nay!
-The Kwik Shop on 19th and Mass for closing early on Friday night when Willie and I needed cigarettes. Badly. More than the warrior needs food. Consider your strongly worded letter in the mail, Kwik Shop.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-My special lady, the lovely Saira Khan.
-The week and a half or so of gorgeous spring-like weather we’ve been having.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Much like my liver, my odd sensor needs time to recalibrate post-Victor. Nothing seems odd to me now. It just seems like ideas I should have had for sketches.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“How can I maintain a healthy balance between family life, obligations to work, and an unnamed comedy show that just went up last weekend?”
-If I were a doctor, I would undoubtedly prescribe cocaine. As everyone knows, this country’s medical system is deep in the pockets of Big Cocaine. However, I am not a licensed doctor, and may freely prescribe whatever I choose without risk of blacklisting, intimidating correspondence, or the presence of horse parts in my bed. That being said, I’m still prescribing cocaine, but blended on the rocks with a little five hour energy drink. That way, you get all the benefits of cocaine but without all the added sugar. And no crash later!

Everybody must watch the movie She! It is the greatest cinematic achievement of the last thirty years. It takes all the best parts of Conan the Barbarian, Mad Max, a Hope and Crosby road trip comedy, awkward dinner theater, Amazons, religious cults, telekinesis, propaganda, gladiators that live in sealed wooden boxes, and so much more! WATCH! THIS! MOVIE!

Still more celebrity deaths! Arturo Gatti, Walter Kronkite and today, the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
I’m running out of liquor to pour out! Seriously, Gatti being drugged and strangled by his wife, that’s fucked up. Those fights he had with Irish Mickey Ward are still some of the best boxing matches I’ve ever seen.

All right! Good enough for the first week back on track.

See you next week.

–> N.

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