Thursday, September 3, 2009

This Week in Nelson, vloume 3, number 35

It’s This Week in Nelson number 98! Holy shit! This week we’ve got no birthdays, several quotes, no news, beards, a comedic dearth, happiness, web sites and Rasputin’s dick.

Birthday shout-out to ???????

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Yeah, yeah. I did read a little James Tate today to help Jaq and Joe find a poem to be read at their wedding. Always love reading some James Tate.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Cheers on the awesome cheese and sausage party!”
--“Let me be the first to admit that I love shark movies but not horror movies.”
--“Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”
--“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices.”
--“What you SAW was me grab my fork off the table and stab myself in the dick.”
--“Everybody who wants to be hypnotized, go on and get out of the Jacuzzi and get up on the couch.”
--“Anytime good time fo’ moneytime. Moneytime like pussytime. Anytime good fo’ pussytime, an’ pussytime good fo’ anytime. No such thang as too much pussytime, o’ too much moneytime. You know what time it is, son!!”
--“I’m afraid you misunderstand me, madam. I am as gay as the day is long.”
“And it’s summer.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
You should grow a beard. Do you know how many great American patriots have had beards? A lot. Here’s a short list of major bearded American patriots:
-Robert E. Lee
-Abraham Lincoln
-Ulysses S. Grant
-Howard Hughes
-Morgan Freeman
-America’s Legendary Keelboatsman, Mike Fink
-Blackbeard the Pirate
-Amelia Earhart
-Ernesto “Che” Guevara
-Obi-Wan Kenobi
-Leonardo da Vinci
-Vladimir Lenin
-Sean Connery
-Billy Mays
-Commander William Riker
-Santa Claus
-Papa Smurf
-Reese Witherspoon
-Perry Mason
-Socrates Johnson
-Patrick Swayze at the end of Point Break
-Captain Quint
-Anne Frank
-General Cornwallis
How can you not want your name on this list? You’re easily a greater American patriot than Abraham Lincoln, and could take his place with ease after just a couple short weeks of growth. So get growing, sir. Please. We’re at war, and America needs your beard more than ever!
3 September 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Unfortunately, my news source is lost to me for a couple weeks. My apologies.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Daily Show and Colbert having been on hiatus for two weeks with one week left to go before new ones. Three weeks is entirely to long to go without my news satire fix.
-When I check the email account I use when corresponding with O’Reilly, and there’s an email in my inbox and I think for a second, “Holy shit, did he finally write me back!?” But it just turns out to be an email about playing fantasy football on Yahoo! Sports. Boo!

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira, as always. I think she might be baking a pie tonight. Huzzah!
-Sports! Football is right around the corner, and I made the playoffs in my fantasy baseball league. Barely. I finished in 6th with a record of 88-112-20 and the 7th place guy went 88-120-12. So far it’s a tight battle with Chris Goulter in the playoffs. I’d really like to make the second round of the playoffs. Haven’t ever done that in this league. It would be sweet.
-Three new web sites:

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A movie Saira and I watched called Rasputin: Dark Servant of Destiny, starring Alan Rickman as Rasputin and Ian McKellan as Tsar Nicholas. Pretty crazy movie. In one scene Rasputin actually whips his dick out in public. You can watch it on Youtube if you’re interested. That’s how we did it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
–“The Closer? How can you watch cop shows after watching The Wire? Honestly, how can you watch any shows after The Wire? PANDEMIC!”
-If you watch a really great movie, or eat a really great pizza, or have a particularly ball-draining sexual experience, do you then swear off all other movies, pizza and sexual intercourse? I think not, sir. Is The Wire better? Yes, of course, it’s better than everything. But it is gone and I still live. So, I will live, sir. I will live!

You know, I think that’s all I’ve got for now. It’s time to get back to work, and by that I mean spend 20 minutes on my thesis and then 30 minutes dicking around on facebook.

See you next week.

–> N.

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