Wednesday, October 28, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 42 & 43

Sorry for the lateness and double-week action. Saira had the swine flu last week, so I was more focused on that. More on that later. This week we’ve got double the pleasure and double the fun. Well, 1.63 times the pleasure anyway. But 2.14 times the fun! Let’s do this!

Birthday shout-out to Adri! Belatedly! Had I been on my game last week it would have been more timely.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Are you a pre-op trans-centaur?”
--“Fuck you! Tell a bear!”
--“It’s like the Ernest movies, but with pants.”
--“Elmo is an Uncle Tom”
--“What’s gentlemen’s relish? Ewwwww! Ewwwwwwww! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Eeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Grooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooossssss!
--“Nothing say ‘Party’ like sparkling wine.” (The poor grammar makes it even better!)
--“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting ... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
--“I’m like this invincible, fearless black guy. Like Shaft. Or Bryant Gumble.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
In all seriousness, what’s the deal with Obama quietly removing tariffs on Israeli dairy imports when American dairy farmers are struggling to the point of having to take some herds to the slaughterhouse in order to pay the bills?
Also, in all seriousness, is it true that every male employee at Fox News had their penises measured for insurance purposes, and if so, how did you rate? The database I saw only had patient IDs, not names.
28 October 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing of note. Sorry.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Watkins! So, Saira had the swine flu, and the infection had spread to her eyes. We don’t know this, yet, exactly. Just that she feels sick, achy, tired, congested, and her eyes have been swollen for a few days. So we go to Watkins. They diagnose the problem as asthma. They don’t know what’s wrong with her eyes other than it isn’t pink eye, but don’t think it’s relevant. They admit it might be influenza, but don’t want to test for it. They just send her on her way to class with a prescription for an asthma inhaler. Saira suspects bullshit, so we go to Promptcare. They immediately diagnose it as a viral infection that has spread to her eyes, test her for influenza which comes back positive, and prescribe antibiotics. Consequently, she’s feeling much better. And Watkins is apparently negligent to a ridiculous degree. It’s no wonder there’s a flu epidemic on campus.
-The Redskins! What are you guys, the fucking Chiefs now? I think that’s how it works. You lose to the Chiefs, and your punishment is you have to be the Chiefs. Seriously, guys, shitting the bed is one thing, but shitting it every week is something else all together.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ve been going out for three months as of last Wednesday. Happiest three months of my life. I couldn’t love her more if you paid me. But I would still accept your money and use it to buy her pretty things.
-The Broncos! They can’t be stopped! They will kill you and take your power!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

You’re welcome!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Dear TWiN,
The Silent Killer: Colon Ninjas
I’ve been getting suspicious e-mails lately from (true story) telling me to buy bottles and bottles of pills and liquids (surely to be taken in a suppository fashion) and threatening me that if I don’t I will die! (of cancer).
Why are ninjas so interested in my colon? And if one was interested, how can one join the fraternal sisterhood of those who assassinate through the colon?
Yours truly,
Colonically Confused in Quebec (or at least the French speaking portion of Lawrence)
-Ninjas are interested in your colon because your colon is important. Do you know how many people die of colon cancer every year? A lot. And are you checking your colon regularly? I doubt it. That’s why the ninjas are there to do it for you. And they’re ninjas so their examinations are as silent, swift and unobtrusive as possible. And, during those instances where there’s a price on your head, they will kill you while they’re in there. As for joining their ranks, there’s nothing you can really do. You don’t find them, sir. They find you. And if they take the measure of you from your colon and find you worthy, they will contact you and perhaps, if you’re lucky, they will teach you the medically helpful and deadly colon martial arts. Good luck with that. Tell them you know me. That might help. We go way back.

Nelson recommends:
-Buffalax! He writes fake phonetic translations for foreign music videos. Check out his channel on YouTube. Especially check out Benny Lava and Benny Lava 3.0, but it’s all good.
-Flashforward! I finally caught up with that show and I dig it.

It was brought to my attention that I haven’t mentioned my cats in a while, so let me take a second to tell you that they’re doing fine. Eating, napping, playing, sleeping, cuddling. They have a sweet life. Also, lately, there’s been some cave crickets infiltrating the house and they’re having a hell of a time hunting them down. In short, they’re great. Thanks for asking.

I’m gonna let it go at that. Happy Halloween! Remember to wear reflective markers on your clothing, be careful crossing the street, and don’t accept unwrapped candy from strangers!

See you next week. One hopes.

–> N.

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