Sunday, October 11, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 39 & 40

Yes, yes. I know it’s been forever since the last week. I’d like to say the 100th took a lot out of me and I had to rest up, but that would be fibbing. Don’t worry, this isn’t turning into This Fortnight in Nelson. We’ll get back on track. Anyway. This week we’ve got to get going cause its been two and a half weeks and damn, that’s a long time.

Birthday shout-out to Nate, Dave and Jacqueline! And congratulations to Austin and Megan on getting married!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut


Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’ll tell you this. I’m not doing this show with some rookie monkey. We get one of these five monkeys, or I’m out.”
--“Look how sleazy that guy is. I’m having a hard time imagining ever peeing again looking at that guy.”
--“Midgets can’t play pro baseball. No strikezone. One time back in the day a midget jumped out of a cake and then played in the game. Now it’s illegal. It’s true! Look it up!”
--“It’s Billy Joel! Suck it!”
--“It’s a little weird walking into a home and the first thing you see is rockets and pictures of children with guns.”
--“Those who truly understand felines know that the cat lord is neither good nor evil but concerned with cat-things alone.”
--“If you’re looking for a better steak in an arcade atmosphere, you’re shit out of luck.”
--“It’s like in a romance novel when the girl is about to get raped and then realizes she wanted it in the first place.”
--“We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed . . . What’s Footloose? . . . That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”
--“Okay, the holy spirit just made the wow answer.”
--“Does this cat know who he’s fucking with? I’m the Dalai fucking Lama. Here’s one he hasn’t heard: What’s the difference between a pit bull and the Dalai Lama? A pit bull won’t rip off your head and then fuck your neck.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
The liberal media has gone too far this time! Just look at this screed against you I found in a prominent journal!:
‘Bill O’Reilly:
Bill O’Reillys live in loose bands, and are typically found in the same areas as are goblins. Unlike their smaller cousins, however, these hairy giants operate equally well in bright daylight or great darkness, so they are as likely to choose a habitation above ground as they are to select a subterranean abode.
If 12 or more Bill O’Reillys are encountered there will be a leader. If 24 or more are encountered there will be the following additional Bill O’Reillys: a chief and a sub-chief. If encountered in their lair there will always be a chief and sub-chief, and there will be females and young equal to 50% each of the number of males. Neither of the latter types of Bill O’Reillys will fight unless in a life or death situation.
The arms carried by Bill O’Reillys range the gamut of available weapons— from swords to wooden clubs with spikes set in them. A fair number of spears are carried by these monsters, and they tend to use them, along with axes, maces, and hammers, as missile weapons. As Bill O’Reillys are strong they can throw these weapons.
Although Bill O’Reillys are clumsy looking and walk with a shambling gait, they are actually able to move very quickly and with great stealth.
Description: The skin of Bill O’Reillys is light yellow to yellow brown— typically dull yellow. Their hair ranges in color from lusterless tannish brown to brick red. Their eyes are greenish white with red pupils. The odds and ends of armor they wear, as well as whatever cloth, skins, or hides they drape themselves in, tends to be ill-kept, dirty, and dingy.’
How dare they!
8 October 2009"

On a side note, that was the twentieth email to Bill O’Reilly and still nothing. A smaller anniversary than last week’s, but still.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Jonathan Parker, 19, of Fort Loudon, Pa., allegedly broke into a home and stole some jewelry, but left his Facebook account logged into the victim’s computer— which is how police identified him.”
-“Kings Island amusement park, in Mason, Ohio, took down its ‘Halloween Haunt’ display of skeletons of dead celebrities, including Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, and slain NFL quarterback Steve McNair and his late mistress. ‘We weren’t intending for it to be distasteful,’ said a park spokesman.” (I wonder what their Halloween display was like in 2001)
-“16 Polk County, Fla., drug investigators who raided a home in search of drugs were caught on a security camera playing the suspect’s Wii Bowling for nine straight hours.”
-“A British man wearing a gorilla costume for a sponsored run was stopped by police who thought he’d escaped from a zoo. Rory Coleman, 45, was running 143 miles to benefit the Gorilla Organization, a great-ape preservation charity. But after calls from alarmed motorists, police stopped Coleman, pulled him to the side of the road, and questioned him as to his species. ‘I told the police I’d come quietly,’ said Coleman, ‘as long as they gave me bananas.’”
-There were also some articles about a new dinosaur discovered which is exactly like a tyrannosaurus rex but the size of a human being, a new AIDS vaccine which has been cutting the risk of infection by 31%, and that of the people in the U.S. killed by lightning 80% are men.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-I know there’s a couple things that bugged me over the last few weeks, but they’ve slipped my mind.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! I know. You’re shocked. Still, I love her.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Congratulations on hitting 100 episodes. Does this mean you’re getting a syndication deal, now? Can we expect to catch the reruns on TBS?”
-Yes and no. Yes, I’m going into syndication. But no, it’s not on TBS. Instead it’ll be on Univision. Sabado, sabado, sabado!

Nelson recommends:
-That new Community show. I like that Joel McHale, so perhaps I’m biased, but still. Pretty funny, pretty solid.

Well, that ought to do it. See you next week. Hopefully.

–> N.

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