Tuesday, October 13, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 41

Well, hello. Back again so soon, you ask? I told you it’d take less than a fortnight. And as you know, my word is stronger than oak. Or at least particle board which has been decorated to mimic an oak-like appearance. My point is, oak or no, I still make one hell of a bookshelf. All right, we’re gonna do this fast and ugly so we can get back on schedule. This week we’ve got to strap in and get moving. STRAP IN! Fine, don’t. But I’m strapped in and I’m not unstrapping for you, or anybody! Well, maybe for some of you. We may have to handle this on a case by case basis. Feel free to contact me as to your strap-worthiness. I like getting correspondence. Unlike Bill O’Reilly, apparently. Why won’t he write back!? This intro is kind of starting to feel like an O’Reilly email, actually. Where was I? Oh yeah, I was in a hurry. Yeah.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Started reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Zombies: A Record of the Year of Infection by, “Dr. Robert Twombly” (Dan Roff & Chris Lane)

Reading, whooo! New Michael Chabon book, whooo! Whooooooooo!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“No thanks, loose-leaf paper. I prefer abstinence-leaf paper, YOU WHORE!”
--“As far as even numbers go, ‘0' is the worst number of penises to have.”
--“They are goatfuckers, Jon. Pure and simple. Pure and simple. An organization whose sole desire and drive is the pursuit and seduction of goats. For the purpose of fucking them. Perhaps, Jon, if the facts of a story were scribbled inside the sexual organs of goats, CNN may have more of an interest in checking them. Until that time, if you need a goat fucked, CNN will do it.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What was your first sexual experience like? Because I just had mine and I’m wondering if everything was entirely above board and up to par. Let me break it down for you:
So, I meet this lady at a mixer at my church. It was a brisk Sunday evening, coat and scarf weather, and the hot cocoa was flowing freely if you know what I’m saying. I was cocoa-ed halfway out of my mind! Just, like, whoooooo! You know?
So, anyway, cocoa-ed halfway to New Jersey and back, and I meet this lady. And boy howdy, she was a looker. Long, blonde hair. Heavy, red lipstick. And, I mean, it was totally ALL the way around her lips. Right? And boobs! She absolutely had boobs! A real man’s lady, if you follow me. And she’s fully into me, listening to all my stories about how I’m friends with you, and how we talk all the time, and email each other, and I hang out around your neighborhood in my car with the engine running, just smoking cigarette after cigarette and staring at your front door. So, thanks for being my wingman there, because she. Is. A. Fan! Obviously, of course, but still, that’s another one I owe you.
Anyway, she drives me back to her place (no way I was driving after all that cocoa! ;-)!) And we start going at it as soon as we get in the door. Hand holding, cheek rubbing, Eskimo kisses, you name it! This dame was into all kinds of things. And, I’m all, like, “Yeah! Take off your mittens. No, do it slowly. That’s right, it’s getting too hot in here for mittens. Oh, yeah! Yeah, a glass of ice water would really hit the spot. That’s extremely polite of you to offer. You filthy slut.”
So, I just down that ice water in a single gulp. You know? To impress her. And she’s clearly impressed. She’s so impressed she can barely clean her cat’s litter box. And it was good water, cause I was feeling pretty woozy after I drank it. I mean, it packed more of a punch than the cocoa, even. I’m stumbling around, slurring my speech, peeing a little. I was kind of worried I might be ruining the mood, but no worries there! She was sooooooo into it! Seriously, ladies love it when you pee on yourself. But, you probably know that. A real bushmaster like yourself.
But, she’s excited. Like, really excited. Like her pants were down, and her erection was E-NOR-MOUS! I mean, easily three times bigger than mine ever gets. And I must have been really staring at it, because I didn’t even see her fist until after she’d punched me. Right in the face, just POW! And not once, but six or seven times! And me in my weakened cocoa and ice water state.
So, I’m extremely disoriented, and there is no way I’m doing anything when she bends me over the couch and removes my pants. How could I? Besides, with all the urine, I was pretty glad to be rid of my pants.
Well, next thing I know, she’s taken her mighty erection and has inserted it into my butt! I mean, jackpot! I guess!? And she keeps taking it out part of the way and then putting it back in. Like, maybe she was trying to reach a certain depth, and she just couldn’t quite hit it. But, how could she with a penis that big? I’m just one man. But she kept trying anyway, a whole lot of times. I lost count. But, eventually she must have gotten tired of trying because she punched me some more times and took it out of me for good.
After that I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew I was waking up in the lobby of the post office and my wallet was gone.
So, my questions are these:
1) Even though my lovely lady didn’t appear able to insert her penis as far into my butt as she wanted too, did I still lose my virginity? Because I feel like I lost something.
2) Should I cancel my credit cards?
3) How long did your butt hurt after you lost your virginity? Because not being able to sit down is really starting to effect my performance at work.
4) Should I get one of those surgeries where they replace your hymen so you can still be a virgin on your wedding night?
Please get back to me soon. And if you could recommend some kind of salve for my butt, that would also be greatly appreciated.
13 October 2009"

I mean, he’s gotta write back now, right? Or, like, a police officer or something has got to contact me, or something. Which would totally count!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A group of dwarves in China set up a village where nobody taller than 4-foot-3 is allowed. ‘As small people we are used to being pushed around and exploited by big people,’ said resident Fu Tien. ‘But here there aren’t any big people.’”
-“The London Daily Telegraph found documents indicating that Iranian president and notorious Holocaust denier Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has Jewish roots. Ahmadinejad’s family changed its name from Sabourjian, a Jewish name meaning ‘cloth weaver,’ when it converted to Islam after his birth.”
-“It was a bad week for Ralph Needs, 80, of Groveport, Ohio, whose home was invaded by two men who pistol-whipped him, ransacked his house, and stole his truck. A few days later, Needs was accidentally shot through the hand as his son Steve was teaching him to use a 9mm handgun to defend himself from future attacks. ‘Hell,’ said Police Chief Gary York, ‘that would be a bad week.’”
-“Scientists have found a nearly complete skeleton of a newly discovered human ancestor that pushes back the horizon of our species’ evolution by 1 million years, and overturns previous theories about how humans evolved. The new hominid species, named Ardipithecus ramidus, or ‘Ardi,’ lived in Africa 4.4 million years ago— long before the famous ‘Lucy,’ who was previously the oldest known hominid. Ardi, who stood about 4 feet tall and weighed 110 pounds, walked upright, but had flat, grasping feet that could be used to climb trees. In many respects, Ardi is the closest thing to being the proverbial ‘missing link,’ with physical features halfway between those of chimps, and a small, chimp-like brain. ‘It is not a chimp, it is not a human,’ University of California paleoanthropologist Tim White tells The Wall Street Journal. White and his team spent 15 years assembling and analyzing Ardi and the shattered remains of 36 members of her species. The skeletons strongly suggest that humans and chimps diverged on the evolutionary tree much longer ago than was previously thought, with chimps and gorillas developing many of their modern features— such as knuckle-walking and hanging from branches— only after they went down their own evolutionary path. Ardi, says paleoanthropologist David Pilbeam of Harvard University, ‘is one of the most important discoveries for the study of human evolution.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The Redskins! First you lose to the fucking Lions, giving them their first win since December, 2007! 2007! To put that in perspective, do you remember that endless Bataan Death March of a Presidential election we went through? The last time the Lions had won a game was BEFORE THAT HAD ACTUALLY EVEN STARTED! So, they do that, and then two weeks later they lose to the winless, pathetic-looking Panthers? And look like shit doing it! What the fuck!?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Sai-ra! Whooooooooo! Seriously, though, she’s awesome.
-The Broncos! 5-0! They took down the Cowboys and the Patriots! How fucking sweet is that!? The answer is 20! That is 20 sweet! Apparently Jay Cutler can suck a big, fat dick! Who knew?
-The Daily Show, specifically for ripping CNN a new one on Monday. That was well executed.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F1cOvZ3nS8 (It takes a little while to get going, but it’s worth it. And special shout-out to Dan for helping to keep me in weird internet links!)
-Taco Bell going apeshit commercial-wise about the fact that they have black taco shells now. I mean, I like black people and things, but I’m not launching a national ad campaign about it. Some local radio spots and an appearance on Jayni’s Kitchen, sure. But that’s it.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-No questions. Fine, I see how it is.

Nelson recommends:
-See the book section. Zombies and Michael Chabon! Huzzah!

So, yeah. There you have it. Back on track now, week-wise. Let’s see how long I can keep that going. See you next week!

–> N.

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