This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 18

Man, it is full-on Spring up in this. I can tell, because the locks on my car don’t want to work, which is what happens in warm weather. For some reason. I hate it. Anyway, this week we’ve got Mexican drug cartel ethics, stripper-clowns, the best rickshaw ever, the second coming of the Royals, the insidious nature of Facebook, the suckitude of Wolverine, and the homoerotic-sounding physical prowess of an NBA star. Here it comes.

Birthday shout-out to Brad, belatedly! And to Trish! Double the birthdays! Double the intercourse nine months and twenty-something years ago! I know, I went too far, and for too little.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I actually read nothing this week, but if I had, it would have been these two books. Sigh. So lazy.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“You mean you don’t want to talk about my inflamed vagina?”
--“When I think party, I think strippers!”
“When I think party, I think clowns!”
(in unison:) “STRIPPER-CLOWNS!”
“That was the Reese’s of party ideas!”
--“He’s phenomenal at the rear naked choke . . . my chest cavity still hurts.” (I won’t say what this was about, but I will say that the aforementioned he is Shaq.”

The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the week:
-CURRENTLY UNDER RECONSTRUCTION. PLEASE EXCUSE OUR MESS!

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“The leader of one Mexican drug cartel called ‘the Family’ has insisted that when gang members are not selling cocaine and murdering rivals, they should attend gang-run classes in ethics, values, and personal improvement, and should abstain from drugs and alcohol.”
-“The New York Post revealed that some trendy Manhattan restaurants are making up for a downturn in business by sneakily charging diners for bread, the butter to go with it, tap water, and the ice in drinks.” (Damn! They need to go take some Mexican drug cartel classes in ethics.)
-“As a cost-cutting measure, the U.S. Bureau of Prisons has been allowing prisoners to transfer themselves, unescorted, from one prison to another. Officials confirmed that some prisoners at minimum security facilities are given bus tickets and told to make the trip to the next prison on their own, and that some prisoners have seized the opportunity to escape. On the other hand, said spokeswoman Traci Billingsley, ‘the savings is substantial.’” (My only hope is these people are non-violent drug offenders. Seriously, though, that’s an insane test of will. Go back to prison or just keep going?)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Not knowing whether several of the TV shows I watch are going to be back next year or not, yet.
-The Wolverine movie. Cause it sucked. More on that in a minute.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The Royals being a force to be reckoned with. It’s been over a month and we’re still leading the division, a division which looks pretty weak overall, and we have the best ace in the league right now? It’s early yet, but I think we may actually see the playoffs this year. And even if we don’t, we’ll at least be right in this thing till the end. How fucking cool is that? Now, if only they could figure out their hot dog problems.
-Reaper, again. The last episode had a bear, a gentleman’s gentleman being shot with a paintball gun, stripper-clowns, and a semi-religious movement which tangentially involves the song Jessie’s Girl. Great show. Too bad it probably won’t be back next year.
-Lost, again. Shit is really coming to a head on that motherfucker, I tell you what.
-The series finale of Scrubs. What a nice, touching way to wrap all that up. That whole future fantasy at the end was fucking heartwarming. However, I don’t like what I’m hearing about there maybe being another season with some of the stars in limited roles. You ended that thing right. It’s time to let go.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Odd, but AWESOME. I was driving to work recently and next to me on Iowa was a vehicle which defies imagination. It had a motorcycle base, and the front half was still a motorcycle. The back half had two wheels, a red velvet bench seat, and a red metal grate platform for storage which sat over an insane looking motor. And under the handlebars up front was a control panel with colored buttons and silver switches like the weapons controls to a 70's era James Bond car. Coolest! Rickshaw! Ever!

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Why is ‘The O’Reilly Factor for Kids book quote(s) of the Week’ still under construction? It’s becoming the Southwest Trafficway of This Week in Nelson. Could we at least get an idea of what’s to come? I’m mad.”
-Don’t worry. I haven’t forgotten about it. Something is either coming there, or if it doesn’t pan out, an explanation will be provided. Regardless, the Baker Wetlands only play a very small part on why construction is taking so long. Your wait is almost over.

Going to see the new Star Trek tonight. Hoping it’s at least a good time. Feeling like it’ll at least be better than Wolverine. Cause that sucked. Why did it suck? Here’s four reasons:
1) It was fucking ridiculous. They give him the metal bones, try to double-cross him, then they’re surprised when they can’t kill him after saying that they’ve made him indestructible. They send two cars and a helicopter after him, he kills those guys, and they’re like, “What? How?”And he doesn’t remember who he is because they shoot him in the head with bullets made of the same metal and explain that he’ll heal, but his memories won’t. What the fuck? And Cyclops is there, with all the other captured mutants, and his eyes are covered so he doesn’t see Wolverine save everybody, but then Professor X shows up (with ridiculous computer effects to make Patrick Stewart look younger) and takes all those mutants off to form the X-Men, but Cyclops is never like, “who was that guy with the claws?” Even when he meets Wolverine later, no one ever figures this out? And the evil plan is to make a super mutant killer with all kinds of powers, and they pull it off, but even though they pull it off they just drop this project? We’re supposed to think it’s fine that in the future the same bad guy has a plan that isn’t as good to kill mutants? It makes no fucking sense.
2) They did the move I hate of having flashbacks during the movie to things that happened in the movie without providing new information, even flashing back on shit that just happened not ten minutes ago. I know it happened. I’m watching the movie.
3) It was derivative as all hell. It was such a generic action movie with no real imagination. Ryan was sitting next to me, and he said “It’s just got all those shots you always see in an action movie. It’s like the kind of movie I would direct if I were directing an action movie. I’d be like, I’ve seen this before, let’s do this.” I’m paraphrasing him a bit, but what he said is 100% true.
4) This one is a little more of a comic book fan kind of complaint. I’ve always loved me some Wolverine. I’ve read a lot of him over the years. When you make a comic book movie, you have to tweak stuff around, condense stuff, do things to make stuff more cinematic. That’s legit. I don’t care when you fuck around with stuff to make a good movie. Some of these characters have been around for 30, 40 years, or more. But when you do weird, pointless stuff with characters to make a bad movie, it bugs me. And when you have easy openings to drop stuff in and don’t take it, it bugs me too. I won’t go on about that, I’ll just say it bugs me.
Now, it’s not all bad. I’ll admit it. There’s some decent action at points. And there’s some funny lines. And I kind of dug the opening credits montage of Wolverine and Sabretooth fighting in various wars. But honestly, that movie was C- at best. Just thoroughly fucking disappointing. And I hope Star Trek is better. I’ll let you know.

Slightly addicted to the Facebook lately. Checking it out a few times a day. Mostly because I have it on my phone, too. It’s fucking insidious. Though, it’s cool to be in touch with people. She’s a double-edged sword, I suppose. If you’re on it and we aren’t friends, find a brother.

Once again, we’ve lost another hero. Dom DeLuise, let flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. I’d still been holding out hope for another Cannonball Run. Now that dream is dead to me.

No one die this next week! I can’t take any more!

See you next week.

–> N.