Thursday, May 21, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 20

All right, no time to fuck around. This is a long one, so let’s get into it. This week we’ve got a birthday party reminder, two diatribes, a new use for cat’s pee, a good name for a video game, Amish people getting down, Fundamentalist Baptists not getting down, and a fuck you to James Monroe.

Birthday shout-out to Rich! For those that don’t know him, Rich is one of the mighty cogs in the Victor Continental production machine. He’s also good people. Salt of the Earth. Go Rich!

Speaking of birthdays . . . Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party update! It’s coming soon! Saturday, May 30th! Harbour Lights at 8:30! Drinking! Eventually the Pig for more drinking! Dinner will be eaten at 6:30. Not sure where yet. If you want to get your eat on, let me know and I’ll tell you where when I decide. If not, I’ll see you at the beers! Be there! BE THERE!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

Yeah, reading. I knew I forgot something.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I had to deny ever being friends with him.”
“Just like Peter did to Jesus in Science class.”
--“I’ve changed into a bad-ass adult! I have a wolf dog! And I have two bad knees! And I have a gun! That I lost!”
--“You couldn’t even get an ankle wet in me.”
“Yes, but I so desperately want to.”
--“You’ve never dug a trough around anything you’ve owned!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What are your thoughts on peanut butter? Awesome, or the most awesome? Smooth or creamy? On a sandwich? On ice cream? On pancakes? On a burger? On a lady?
I love peanut butter. I LOVE IT! I wouldn’t marry it, though. Cause that’s a slippery slope. What would be next? Marrying jelly? Well, okay, fine. Jelly is really good, too. But marrying mayonnaise? That’s gross!
Did you know that some people dip freedom fries in mayonnaise? What’s wrong with those people? We should invade those countries and export proper American ideals of eating fries. If we won’t, who will? Boo to the Monroe Doctrine, I say. Boo!
But, seriously, you should do a show about peanut butter.
20 May 2009"

Still no reply from last week’s email. That’s cool. I’ve got nothing but time, O’Reilly.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Parvin Jannati of Alton, NH, thought she lost everything when a fire destroyed her home in October. But last week, during a town cleanup, Arie Johnston, 10, discovered a burned backpack containing $8,160 in cash across the street from the scene of the blaze. He promptly returned it. Police theorize that the parcel was thrown clear of the house by a powerful stream of water spurting from a fireman’s hose. Jannati’s family said they plan to reward Johnston for his honesty. ‘I hope my kids do the same thing,’ said her sister, Parvaneh Anderson.” (That’s a nice story. But it made me wonder why she had a backpack full of cash in her place. Was the fire caused by a meth lab explosion?)
-“Hospitals in the Houston area are preparing for a 25 percent surge in births nine months after Hurrican Ike knocked out power for days. ‘You can only do so much when there’s no television, nothing open, and there’s nowhere to go,’ said obstetrician Rakhi Dimino, who is eight months pregnant.” (My apologies to Chad and Ryan for including this story.)
-“A six-year, $12 million scientific study identified the flavors in New Zealand’s signature Sauvignon Blanc as a combination of passion fruit, asparagus, and cat’s pee. ‘If you had a whole lot of cat’s pee it obviously wouldn’t be great,’ said researcher Sue Blackmore. ‘It’s amazing what a little can do.’” (So, if I get some passion fruit and asparagus, I’m sitting on a gold mine?)
-“An Ohio teenager was suspended from his fundamentalist Baptist school for taking his public school girlfriend to her senior prom. ‘It was worth it,’ said Tyler Frost, who violated a school contract against dancing and rock music.” (Damn it, people! Did Kevin Bacon teach us nothing!?)
-“Police in rural New York ticketed a 17-year-old Amish boy this week for having beer in his horse-drawn buggy.” (Well played, Amish.)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-ESPN talking about Michael Vick ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I love sports. I love ESPN. But whenever there’s a story that is bigger than a single game, they get obsessed with it like a monkey who just figured out how to masturbate. “Will Michael Vick get to play in the NFL again? Should he?” He’s still under home confinement for two more months. This isn’t even a story for TWO MORE MONTHS. Fucksake. Still, I’m just gonna say it, no he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t be allowed back into the NFL. Should he get out of prison? Sure. He did the time he was sentenced to, he should get to go free and move on. That’s the justice system. Maybe he should have had to spend more time in there, but at this time that’s how things are. But playing in the NFL is a privilege, not a right. And the man made it to step two out of three for being a serial killer. Step one, of course, being your mother flushing the parts of you that would have made a legitimate human being down the toilet when she shat you out, and step two being torturing animals to death. That just leaves step three: torturing humans to death. He is closer to being a serial killer than I am to being thirty years old (please refer back to Nelson’s 30th Birthday Party Update). You know what, he can play in the NFL again, but he has to donate every cent he makes a year above 30K to the ASPCA, and Pete Rose gets to be the Commissioner of Baseball. Seriously, what is wrong with American prisons? How was this waste of sperm and egg not raped to death in the showers? Apparently Oz was less than accurate. Ernie Hudson, you’ve failed me for the last time!
-I’m not really tired of or mad at this, but I picked up the latest Yeah Yeah Yeahs album and was less than impressed. It’s like they made a whole album out of songs that sound like Maps, but none of the songs are as good as Maps. Kind of a neutered feel to the whole thing. Kind of bland.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Chuck and Dollhouse getting renewed! Granted, for only 13 episode seasons, but 13 pieces of goodness are better than 0 pieces of goodness. That’s just science.
-Connor Oberst’s new album. Good stuff. He even kind of mixes up the sound a little more from song to song than he normally does, which was fun. Like that kid.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-How angry I got writing that Michael Vick thing. Cause it’s one thing to joke about prison rape. I was being serious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Damnit, where’s my TWIN?!?!?!??!!? What, am I supposed to work today?”
-Here it is! And, no. God, no. No, no, no. No.

I’ve been playing a lot of Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass on the DS lately. That’s a sweet little game. Using a stylus is a little odd. But it’s cool being able to draw whatever path you want the boomerang to take. And it’s nice being able to point where you want to throw or shoot things. I just wish you could also jump vertically, not only horizontally. Still, it’s sweet, sweet Zelda action. Fucking puzzles and swords and yeah! They should call the next one that. The Legend of Zelda: Fucking Puzzles and Swords and Yeah! Get to work, Nintendo!

I saw the new Terminator last night. It was all right. There was some good action. I think it looked really good. Maybe a little too Road Warrior here and there, but there were some pretty good shots in there. Some playing around with extended action single shots. But that script was rough. I had three main problems, none of which gives a lot away, but if you’re worried about knowing too much, skip over point 3.
1) They should never have shown in the previews that the one dude was actually a Terminator. Cause it’s not like that was the selling point of the movie. All-out fucking robot war is the selling point of the movie. And knowing from the get-go that the dude is actually a Terminator undercuts the majority of the dramatic tension of the first half of the movie. That would be a sweet fucking reveal. As it was, not so much.
2) I could have honestly used more all-out fucking robot war. There’s no such thing as too much.
3) Skynet is a fucking Bond villain! They capture Kyle Reese and use him as bait to lure John Connor into a trap. Why don’t you just fucking kill Kyle Reese when he’s sitting helplessly in one of your prison cells? Because, if you do, John Connor doesn’t exist. That’s beyond a James Bond deathtrap. That’s like an old Adam West Batman fucking death trap. And not a Joker one. That’s like a Maxie Zeus death trap. I know Christian Bale is Batman now, but in the Dark Knight Heath Ledger didn’t try to kill him with a giant flyswatter or something retarded like that. I mean, isn’t that the machines’s plot in the first three movies, make it so John Connor doesn’t exist in their time? And sure, that doesn’t really work out for them those three times, but still, the guy’s future father is locked up in a prison cell in your headquarters. A headquarters that is hip-deep in Terminators. What more do you need? Do you need me to walk through the screen into movie world and hold him down for you? No, you want to take the most roundabout fucking way to get to your goal? Say you want a beer. And the beer isn’t a twist off, it needs a bottle opener. And you try to use the bottle opener, but that bottle cap is really on there, so even after three times it’s still on there. What do you do? You use the bottle opener again, right? You don’t go buy a new car, right? Still, it would have made more sense if Skynet just went and bought a new car. Jesus.

However, it was still so much better than Wolverine. Seriously, Wolverine fucking sucked.

All right, that’s more than enough Nelson for one week. I’m out of here.

See you next week.

–> N.

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