Thursday, May 14, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 19

Finals week! Which means soon the town will be many college kids lighter. It’s our time! Our time down here! This week we’ve got the return of Bill O’Reilly (kind of), fun with stereotypes, a dream of evil Shatner, the scourge of scream-singing, me actually reading a book again, a plea to Doc Brown to do a guy a solid and more mentions of semen than I’d normally care to include.

Birthday shout-out to nobody, I think. I’m pretty sure. Nobody I know about, anyway.

Books read this week:
-Finished reading Goodbye, Colombus by, Philip Roth
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

That’s right, I actually read this week! Suck it, books! I own you!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Really? You’re going to do the repressed Irish thing? Be Italian for, like, one second. ‘I’m Jack. I don’t know who-a my real father is. I’m so emotional I’m-a gonna smash these barrels.’”
--“Sorry about the whole murder-house thing. That was my bad.”
--“How about this: Time travel, right? Good so far? And? Yep: Reese fucking Witherspoon. And, wait for it: a quaint family-owned bakery . . . threatened by gay vampire developers. Booya!”

Here it is! My new, retooled O’Reilly segment! Worth the wait? Probably not! But enjoy!

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I like air conditioning. It keeps me cool in hot weather. I wish everybody could have air conditioning. Is that socialist? I hope not, because I’d rather be dead than red!
Did you know that the concept of air conditioning is known to have been applied in Ancient Rome, where aqueduct water was circulated through the walls of certain houses to cool them? Similar techniques in medieval Persia involved the use of cisterns and wind towers to cool buildings during the hot season. Modern air conditioning emerged from advances in chemistry during the 19th century, and the first large-scale electrical air conditioning was invented and used in 1902 by Willis Haviland Carrier. Now there’s a guy who knew how to be cool! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL! LOL!
Do you like dragons?
12 May 2009"

These are actual emails I’m be sending to Bill O’Reilly on a weekly basis to the address in the back of his O’Reilly Factor for Kids book. Any replies received will also be included.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Saudi Arabia’s government said that it would consider banning marriage for girls under 18. The possible policy change follows an international outcry over news that an 8-year-old Saudi girl had been married to, and granted a divorce from, a man in his 50s.”
-“A survey this week found that French people spend more time sleeping and eating than do people in any other developed nation. The average Frenchman sleeps nine hours a day, and whiles away two hours a day over is meals.”
-“A racial-sensitivity pamphlet issued by the Delaware Department of Transportation has been accused of insensitivity. The pamphlet advises employees to avoid such ‘workplace faux pas’ as asking gay co-workers whether they’ve ‘thought about getting help’; offering black co-workers ‘chicken or watermelon’ for lunch; and asking Latino co-workers, ‘Can you help me out with my landscaping?’” (I want this pamphlet!)
-“A New York court has ruled that golfers are not legally required to shout ‘Fore!.’ Dr. Azad Anand lost an eye when a friend, Dr. Anoop Kapoor, struck him with a shanked shot in 2002. Anand sued Kapoor for damages, claiming he should have yelled the traditional golfers’ warning, but the state appellate court this week sided with Kapoor, ruling that the danger of getting hit is an ‘inherent risk of the game of golf.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Having to listen to that fucking kid scream-singing on American Idol when it runs a minute or two over into the beginning of Fringe. At least I won’t have to do it again this season. Kid bugs me. The whole show bugs me, but that kid takes it to a new level.
-Fucking Subway commercials. Your idea for a fun commercial is having people sing your jingle badly? What the fuck?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-The new Star Trek movie. Cause it was a whole lot of fun. I recommend you go see it. Good times. If they can find a way to get Shatner in the next one, even better. My suggestion? Make Shatner a Khan-style villain. How much fun would evil Shatner be? Give him a goatee and fucking set him loose. A collection of drunk texts. Funny stuff.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A couple guys on the back porch of the Pig repeatedly talking about semen to this chick who clearly isn’t enjoying the conversation.
-Saw a guy taking his young daughter for a walk and all he was wearing was a pair of pajama pants and a trucker hat. My only guess is he’s in a dance team and he left the shirt and shoes at home so we wouldn’t get served. (rimshot) Thank you. Thank you.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“If JJ Abrams and Joss Whedon come together for a collaboration, will it simply be the greatest piece of pop culture entertainment EVER or will I cream my pants and then die of ecstasy?”
-Very possibly both. If it ever happens, I’m going to have to not watch it with you. I don’t want to have to explain a semen-soaked dead body to the police. Again. I’ve got two strikes!

I was talking to Gaus and Emily yesterday about how there needs to be a Reign of Fire 2. But we want McConaughey in it, so there’s three possibilities. Either scene one is him cutting his way out of the dragon’s stomach. Or it’s a prequel. Or we Godfather 2 it with the past and present mojo. Let’s do this thing, Hollywood!

My dad was on the radio Tuesday morning. On that British guy on KLWN, Jeremy’s show. I’m not sure exactly why he was on there, I think to talk about what he does at the Dole, but I guess he was also talking about some stories from the old days and Jeremy ket trying to get him to say he was a spy. Whenever they update the website so his bit is online, I’ll let you know.

Has everybody heard about the proposed tax on soda to help fund health care? One quarter of one percent per ounce? You know what, I think that’s a fucking good idea. I also think we can add a little tax like that to candy, chips, all kinds of unhealthy, delicious stuff. Why the hell not? Because that shit is reasonable. A nickel more for a 20 ounce soda? Reasonable. Cause when they raise taxes on cigarettes (something else unhealthy and delicious), it’s like fifty cents for a pack of 20. And it funds whatever. I don’t even know what ut funds. But watching people get up in arms on TV about paying a fraction more for soda for a good cause, that’s kind of aggravating. And it adds up. Somebody getting cheaper diabetes medicine because you pay more for drinking sugary drinks or cancer surgery because I pay more to smoke a cigarette, that’s actually contributing to a system you may need to use for the same reason. It makes more sense than me having to help pay for some kid’s education because I smoke a cigarette. Which, sure, makes sense too, on a certain level. I don’t know. It just seems to me like a fair way to help pay for a needed service that’ll be difficult to fund, and at a negligible cost to consumers. Regardless, my point is: cigarettes are too fucking expensive! I would pay a quarter more for 20 ounces of soda if I could get a pack of cigarettes for under four dollars. Remember when cigarettes were 2 bucks a pack? And I mean the good kind, not fucking Sundance or GPC. A pack of Marlboros. 2 bucks. There’s been a couple times where I’ve been asked if I’d like to go back in time to high school, and I would, but only to stock up on cigarettes. Hypothetically, would it be fun to be that age again. Doc Brown hasn’t asked me to actually go back in time. But that would be a sweet way to stock up on smokes too. Doc Brown! If you read This Week in Nelson, pick my ass up! And bring the space train, not the De Lorean. I need room to haul some shit! Let’s do this thing!

Fuck it, I need a smoke. See you next week.

–> N.

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