Friday, June 26, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 25

Hey hey hey. Little late this week, but I’ve been high for three days. As such, I’m coming to you tonight from the inside of a lightning bolt. It’s pretty cool, I guess, being one with a pure electrical force, but the drink specials suck and Jesus keeps trying to get me to take a ride with him on his motorcycle. It’s a pretty nice motorcycle, though. I’m gonna try and win it off him in poker once I’m done with this whole thing. So let’s get on with it! This week we’ve got a whole grip of shout-outs, proper genital care, Tyranno-people, a friendly ultimatum, and the most difficult question I’ve ever had to answer in TWiN.

Birthday shout-out to Willie, whose return to this land of freedom is imminent. This land of PBR, Perkins and more PBR. Also, Chloe’s birthday is this week, so she gets a shout-out too. And I also need to belatedly birthday shout-out Auman, who I missed last week. And, more still, a belated anniversary shout-out to Loren and Margaret, though to be fair I still haven’t missed their civil ceremony’s anniversary yet. So, happy birthday/anniversary to all y’all!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I didn’t have time to read, but on a side note, the ceiling is fucking moving!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m just wondering if he’s a fan of Bert and Ernie or circumcision.”
--“Recently, my Doctor told me that i have seriously sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness.”
--“Carload of Farts is like his Thunder Road.”
--“See how the genitals make use of the gap. Gap in the seat is needed to keep pressure away from sensitive genitals. Loose trousers are the best. Try without underwear. That is most comfortable.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Well, sir, I don’t know if you’ve realized it, but I have been writing you quite faithfully for the last several weeks, but still I hear nothing from you. Friendship is a two way street. Not a cul-de-sac. Love has to move freely back and forth between friends. One friend’s love shouldn’t be poured solely into the other’s bowl-like receptacle to be noisily devoured as an aphrodisiac before a night of engaging in the love-making process with one’s goodly wife (do you see now how my cul-de-sac metaphor is apt?). You are eating my love and using it to fuel the furnace of your marital bed without reciprocity. For shame!
And so, I’ve had to cease a few of my friendly duties until such time as you respond to me and earn my love. I will henceforth no longer be:
1) Checking your mail for poison
2) Checking your meals for mail
3) Sacrificing goats so that their life force might be absorbed into your dread machine
4) Sacrificing goats to make you Greek food
5) Eating Greek food in your driveway
6) Screaming
7) Shopping at Sears
Of course, all these actions will be quickly resumed the moment I receive word from you. And fear not, no matter how long you may take to respond, I will continue to send you weekly missives. Even if you prove not to be beholden to the laws of friendhip, I wouldn’t want to deprive the missus of all the joy your ingesting my words brings her. Sexually.
Write soon! I may need to scream on Tuesday!
26 June 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-Nothing really strong this week. Though I did read something I found kind of interesting. They did a study on human skin called the Human MicroBiome Project to determine all the different kinds of bacteria that live on our skin and where they live, and in what numbers. They found out that the most highly populated area on the body is the forearms, and the area with the least bacteria is behind the ears. So, the moral of the story is, stop washing behind your ears and have your forearms removed. Don’t worry, you can still have hands. They’ll attach the right to the elbow, no problem. Then mankind will be like Tyrannosaurus Rexes, with their oddly short arms and their massive jaws filled with bone-crunching razor sharp teeth. The jaws and teeth I’m expecting us to naturally develop through evolution to make up for our ineffectual arms. Which will be AWESOME! Tyranno-people are just two steps away! The line for forearmectomies starts behind me.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Fucking 9th street construction. I’m keeping it on here until it stops pissing me off.
-The heat. Fucking taking it a little too far, Earth. It’s summer, not Super Fire Hot Time Explosion Party (which is, of course, the Japanese word for summer.)

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-There was a review I read of Transformers 2 from the London Guardian where the reviewer talks about Michael Bay saying that his style is “fucking the frame,” and then responds to this idea by saying “Mr. Bay gives the frame a right good seeing to.” He goes on and on with the idea, and it’s all pretty good, but that one little oh so British phrase really pleased me.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Watching some dude totally Star Wars Kid it up in a downtown parking lot Tuesday night around midnight, spinning and striking at the air with a long piece of PVC pipe. It was hypnotic.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!

Saw two movies on Tuesday. Transformers 2 and The Hangover. Transformers was explosions, explosions, robots, robots, robots, explosions, and could have been 30 minutes shorter. The Hangover was pretty funny, but maybe a little standard issue. A little vanilla. I don’t know.

Speaking of movies, has everyone heard how the Oscars are now going to have 10 Best Picture nominees? Now, I admit, I don’t know the details, but the impression I get is just a straight field of 10, which seems extremely unnecessary. I can see doing the Golden Globes thing and having a best drama and a best comedy with 5 nominees for each, but just boom, ten movies, pick one? It just seems like that’ll make the selection even more relative and arbitrary than it already tends to be. The whole thing’s apples and oranges, is what I’m saying, and now they’re throwing in grapes.

Now, we’re going to take a second to pour some liquor for Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Sad times.

And now that I’m feeling sad, it’s time for me to evaporate into the evening air. And get me some Jesus cycle.

See you next week. Probably less high.

–> N.

No comments:

Post a Comment