Wednesday, June 17, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 24

So fucking hot out. And for some reason the trees are blowing in a breeze I can’t feel. Fuck you, trees! This week we’ve got the truth about British moustaches, the truth about crunchberries and the truth about Entertainment Weekly’s balls.

Birthday shout-out to NPH, belatedly. Love that guy.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut


Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Most people who have moustaches in the UK are either gay or a fascist. Or sometimes both.”
--“He was the black guy in the Wiz, right?”
--“The only thing better than Wookiee rape is Ewok rape.” (Rape by, not rape of, to clarify)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Still no word from you, which is disappointing, but I guess I can understand it. Busy man, and all. So, how about all this Iranian election stuff, huh? Pretty crazy! Who did you vote for? I realize that’s kind of an uncouth thing to ask, but we’re friends. I thought about voting for Mousavi, but then decided to just stick with Nader, as usual. Change abhors a vacuum, and I’ve been sucked into enough swirling vortexes for one month, thank you very much.
How about you? Any swirling vortexes of late? Or do you have somebody to take care of that on your staff? I wish I had a staff. I could really use somebody to untie my shoes for me. Tying shoes, I’m great at. I can tie the high holy hell out of some shoes. I tie and tie, and tie. But when it comes time to take them off, what can you do with a knot that big? I prescribe to the Alexander the Great method of using a sword. Sometimes I use an electric turkey carver, cause it makes sounds and I can pretend I’m using a chainsaw. I’ve also tried a chainsaw. Once. Never again! Am I right? Anyway, I’m running out of laces, so having somebody dedicated to working those knots out for me would be great. What would you pay somebody to do that? And would you tip them when they’re done? Or would gratuity be added to the price already, like when I get a massage? Or am I supposed to tip at a massage parlor and my uncle lied to me?
So many questions! Please help me Mr. O’Reilly! You’re the only one I trust!

Apparently the Bryan Adams wasn’t enough. You’re good, O’Reilly. But I will break you yet.

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“It was a good week for fish stories when a Florida man reeled in a live missile from waters used for weapons training by the Navy. The bomb squad that dismantled it said it could have exploded at any time.”
-“A California judge dismissed a lawsuit this week filed by a woman who said she had purchased Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries because she believed crunchberries were real fruit. She found, to her dismay, that they are brightly colored cereal balls.”
-“The National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences has eliminated the category of ‘Best Polka Album’ from the Grammy Awards. The Academy says this was done ‘to ensure the awards process remains representative of the current musical landscape.’”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The fucking heat.
-Kind of tired of the steroids in baseball thing, what with all the Sammy Sosa talk today. It’s surely a big deal, but I don’t know that it needs to dominate the sports news cycle like it does every time a new name comes out. Especially since all the talk is basically the same talk every time, just with a new name added to the rehashing of the story that’s been going on and on. Done to fucking death. On a related note, though, do I remember correctly that the big congressional hearing in 2005 happened on St. Patrick’s Day? I have a vague memory of watching McGwire’s testimony several beers in that day. Does anybody else remember?

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Working on the Victor Show. She’s comin’ on strong like Donkey Kong with a stiff one. You have been warned.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Seeing a dude downtown who looked like Corey Feldman circa Lost Boys.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Are there any Kurt Vonnegut books you haven’t read? Sincerely, I Vonna know.”
-Well, I haven’t read Armageddon in Retrospect, which is the book of previously unpublished bits his son put together that came out last year. And, as the Books Read This Week section very publicly attests, I have yet to finish reading Fates Worse Than Death. But everything else that he’s published in book form, I have read. Which is something like 20 books, I think. Love that guy. One of my all-time favorites. Can’t recommend him highly enough.

Speaking of things I can’t recommend highly enough, I mentioned this independently on the blog-thing last week, but I watched the shit out of Spaced, which was Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg (and others)’s British sit-com from 10ish years ago. It is awesome, which is why I mention it again, in the full-on version of the TWiN. Check out this fucking show. Great, great stuff.

Haven’t caught a movie lately. Need to rectify that. Probably going to see some Transformers action on Tuesday. Robots and explosions, how could I stay away? Read an interview with Megan Fox in EW titled “This Movie Really Isn’t About Acting,” which I thought was kind of ballsy on EW’s part. True, but ballsy.

That’s all. Got to try to do some sketch writing now.

See you next week.

–> N.

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