Thursday, June 4, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 22

Goddamn I love this weather! I wish it would stay this way for months. But I’m guessing 90s are right around the corner. This week we’ve got thank you’s, praise for hotdogs, the gathering apocalypse in Texas, the stupidest thing I’ve heard in months and the ravages of war.

Birthday shout-out belatedly to Stick, who apparently has the same birthday as I do.

Big shout-out to all who attended the Nelson’s 30th birthday action. That shit was powerful good times. Super deluxe big dog shout-out to Molly and Gary for traveling halfway across the country and surprising the shit out of me with their attendance. That was fucking cool. Thanks everybody! Also, in a related update, Spider-man is getting really big now. I may need to find a bigger container to keep him in.

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I may need to change this segment to Books I’m not reading this week. Seriously, I haven’t read in weeks now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I may have to consult my doctor and see if there’s a pill I can take.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
-Okay, I know funny things were said during the birthday festivities, but I wrote nothing down. I have failed you. My apologies.

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
So, still no word from you about doing a show about me for my birthday. That’s cool. I know you’re a busy man. At least, I hope that’s the reason. I hope it isn’t that you have something against hotdogs. Cause hotdogs, man, that’s baseball, and America, and the flag, and babies. That would not be cool. The terrorists hate us for our hotdogs. Don’t let the terrorists win, sir. God has blessed you with a mighty forum with which to sing the praises of hotdogs across these great 49 states of ours (Missouri doesn’t count as great). You don’t need to do a show about me. But you do need to do a show about hotdogs. Because, I’m just one man. But hotdogs are all of us. “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Jesus said that before he died and was resurrected on the Genesis planet. Don’t let that sacrifice be in vain.
And do feel free to contact me about content for your forthcoming hotdog show. I’d like to think of myself as something of an amateur enthusiast. I wanted to major in hotdogs in college, but I couldn’t get into the prestigious Academy of Hotdog Education. It’s so political, as I’m sure you know. Still, I’d like to think I’ve learned as much as I could without the benefit of the guidance of the hotdog masters.
So please, do not hesitate to contact me. I am literally waiting by the computer.
God bless you, sir. And God bless hotdogs. And America, too. But mostly hotdogs.
4 June 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“It was a good week for heteropaternal superfecundation with Mia Washington of Texas entering the biology textbooks because a DNA test revealed that her 11-month-old twins have different fathers. She admitted to have been sleeping with two men when they were conceived.”
-“A Texas couple bore witness to a miracle this week when they reportedly found a Cheetos cheese snack that bears an incredible resemblance to Jesus. Dan and Sara Bell said they will see what they can get for ‘Cheesus’ on eBay. ‘If it’s only 25 cents, we’re just going to eat it,’ said Dan.” (Eat of this, for it is my body. Seriously, Texas is bringing it this week. Twins born of different fathers and Cheeto-Jesus? Is this a sign?)
-“A Massachusetts man was ticketed for driving erratically while eating a bowl of cereal on his lap. He explained that he was hungry.” (Your shit’s weak, Massachusetts. If this had happened in Texas, the milk would have turned to wine. Or goat’s blood. Step your game up!)
-“Doping officials showed up to do steroid tests at the Belgian bodybuilding championship this week and all 20 muscled competitors grabbed their gear and ran out the door. ‘I have never seen anything like it,’ said doping official Hans Cooman.” (I thought this was funny, but doubly funny for “doping official Hans Cooman.”)
-“Men never change. The latest proof of this truism comes courtesy of a sculpture made from the ivory of a woolly mammoth tusk that may be the oldest piece of art ever discovered— an erotic sculpture of a voluptuous woman from 35,000 years ago. The small ivory sculpture dates to an era in which humans first began to settle in Europe, and depicts a woman with giant breasts, open legs, and a detailed vulva. ‘It’s sexually exaggerated to the point of being pornographic,’ says British anthropologist Paul Mellars. ‘There was all this sexual symbolism bubbling up in that period. They were sex-mad.’”
-“Residents of Butt Hole Road, in South Yorkshire, U.K., finally tired of the jokes and the busloads of American tourists snapping photos of the street sign this week and changed the street’s name to the more respectable Archers Way.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The news that they’re making a remake of Red Dawn. First of all, why? Second of all, how? Third of all, WHY? That’s like making a remake of Rocky 4. Fucking stupidest thing I’ve heard in months.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Conan’s Tonight Show. I’ve been watching that shit. It’s solid. I’ve always loved me some Conan, and it’s nice to have Andy Richter back on there. I’ve decided to watch it this summer, since there’s not much other TV to watch. You know, show my support. I’d like to think Conan can feel me watching. In fact, I know he can.
-Getting to see the last few episodes of Pushing Daisies. Although, it’s bittersweet having had to wait this long and being reminded that the show was canceled.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Running into Roady and Stu’s ex-girlfriend Olivia on Saturday, who I hadn’t seen in 10 years, and the fact that she came with Ashley’s old roommates. That was cool, but really fucking odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, did you do the Humpty Dance when Chris called on people to do it? Were you any good?”
-Mercifully, I was not called upon to serve. Because, sadly, I lost my Humpty Hump in the war. We all lost so many things. Perhaps I was one of the lucky ones. I had a buddy we called Tex (cause he was from Rhode Island, naturally), who lost both his Running Man and his Bartman. And he can only Cabbage Patch with extreme pain now. Damn that war!

Saw the Land of the Lost movie. Pretty funny shit. I totally enjoyed that. I want to see The Hangover, too, but I can’t make the screening. Hopefully I can get out to it sometime soon. Anyway, Land of the Lost has my approval. Take that as you will.

That’s all for now. Sorry it was running so late. Again. I was still recovering a little from Saturday and Monday night’s awesomeness, I guess.

See you next week.

–> N.

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