Friday, August 21, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 33

Running late this week, so I’m writing this at work. Which feels weird. And means I still won’t be able to send it out until tonight, which means you won’t be reading it till even later. My apologies, but it couldn’t be helped. Anywho, this week we’ve got a threatening proclamation towards the written word, a deadly threat that comes from the south, several answers to several questions, the murderous intentions of big cats, one current and one impending anniversary, and bathroom facts from around the globe.

Birthday shout-out to Stu! Fun fact: giving birthday shout-outs to Stu got me through college. Happy birthday, Stu!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut

I’ve really been meaning to get reading again. It’s been, like, two months since I read anything. It feels really sick and wrong. And I’ve been fucking around with the virtual bookshelf on facebook, which makes me feel even worse that I’m not reading. So, get ready books. I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me. You hear that, books!? Hell’s coming with me!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I. Do not. Engulf. Sugar!”
--“Thou hast besquirted me! The maiden be thine!”
--“Well, that’s the Old Western Nipple Gun.”
--“If you think you’re too small to be effective, you have never been in bed with a mosquito.”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
Sir, are you aware that Texas is overrun with murderous feral hogs? It’s true! They roam the countryside, eating crops and small children, stealing money, raping women, and sowing the seeds of an anarchist revolution against the government. And yet the current administration does nothing! The only thing standing between us and certain doom are brave bands of Americans who hunt the beasts with the help of specially trained dogs. They’re doing their best to stem the tide, but how long can they stand alone in this fight before the hogs grow too powerful to stop? Every generation of feral hog is bigger, stronger and smarter than the one before it. Soon they’ll start using tools, and explosives. Maybe even tanks! These men need our help and you’re the only one out there with the stones to stand up to the status quo and call for a war against the hogs! Please, contact the Hog Dog Boys at their website and ask for Zane so you can coordinate with him and develop a proper offensive against these monsters. The fate of our country, and perhaps the entire world, is in your hands, sir! The time for action is now! These colors don’t run! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
21 August 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A Melbourne, Australia, pub installed a rear-projector TV on the back wall of its urinal. Now, patrons don’t have to miss a second of the game when they have to go, and can entertain themselves by peeing on the opposing team.”
-“Cuba’s state-run toilet-paper manufacturer said it had run out of paper and money, and warned that the island would face severe shortages until the end of the year, when ‘emergency’ imports would arrive.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-The students being back in town. Fucking traffic, parking, crowds, bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-As of today, Saira and I have been going out for a month. I love her more than Pizza Shuttle, PBR, nicotine and oxygen. Best month of my life.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-A website called It’s pictures of cakes that were fucked up, impressive, or just plain crazy. There’s a baby shower cake that features Darth Vader holding out a baby with the words “It’s a girl!” and another one with a construction worker merman. Check it
out. It’s fucking weird.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Really, Mike Lowell; really?”
-Yes, really.
--“Glad to hear you’re feeling better. So, did you have swine flu or was it something else? Also, if the chicken curry was ‘one of the best things to have ever been in my mouth,’ what was the best thing to have ever been in your mouth? Or are there multiple things?”
-The doctor said he thought it was a sinus infection, but one located toward the top and rear of my head rather than the front, which is weird. They tested me for influenza and that came back negative, so no swine were involved it would seem. As for what’s been in my mouth that was better than Saira’s curry, the answer to that would have to be Saira herself.
--“Is it true that swimmin’ ain’t got dick shit to do with divin’?”
-Yes, that is true. The physical act of divin’ does have dick shit to do with swimmin’ and one doesn’t need to know how to swim in order to dive. However, once the act of divin’ has been completed, one might want to have at least a cursory knowledge of swimmin’, or at least the ability to breathe underwater. Or be friends with Aquaman. He doesn’t have anything better to do than spot divers who can’t swim, and he’s lonely.

Saw District 9 and Inglourious Basterds this week. Both were awesome and come highly recommended by me. Seriously, check ‘em out.

Went to the zoo in KC on Wednesday with Saira. That’s a solid little zoo. Lots of adorable animals, and a tiger that wanted us dead. Seriously, that tiger was thinking of nothing but murder.

FYI: This is the 96th edition of TWiN which you just read. Which means the 100th is right around the corner! Only one more month of shopping days left! Prepare yourself for the centennial!

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

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