Wednesday, November 4, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 44

Welcome. Apparently some of you missed out on the email portion last week. Something was weird with gmail, apparently, and I got like five of them sent back to me. Sorry if you missed it. Feel free to check it out on If it fucks up again this week I’ll try to look into it. Anyway, I’ve got to take the GRE.Subject Test for Literature this Saturday morning, so I’ve been dealing with that the last couple days, so let’s waste no time and move on up. This week we’ve got some weird quotes. Seriously. And a fun fact about Newt Gingrich!

Birthday shout-out to Ryan! And Perrin! Happy birthday!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

Not really reading so much this week because of the GRE thing. Finally, a legitimate excuse!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“I’m not checking the corners! I’m running to the bathroom and praying I don’t see dick!”
--“I love Bennigan’s. I watched Magic Johnson announce he had AIDS at Bennigan’s . . . on my birthday.”
--“It’s like Ghandi said, ‘A smile don’t cost nothing, sugar.’”
--“This is a huge asshole!”
“What’s going on? Is that the asshole? Whoooooooooooa!”
--“I want that on my ass! I want that on my ass right now!”
“Take a picture of it!”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and there’s a lot of questions I can’t seem to answer. Can you help?
Ronald Reagan vs. Jack Palance, who would win?
Ronald Reagan vs. Abraham Lincoln, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln vs. Jesus, who would win?
Abraham Lincoln and Jesus, having fought initially and then realizing they should team up to save the world from evil, vs. Jack Nicholson circa 1975, who would win?
Me vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Jesus vs. John Elway, who would win?
John Elway vs. the slow, endless, erosive passage of time which gnaws upon all things until they are but dust and the lingering echo of memory, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Taliban, who would win?
John Wayne vs. lightning, who would win?
John Wayne vs. the Incredible Hulk, who would win?
Spider-man vs. Barack Obama, who would win?
England circa 1907 vs. Rome circa 50, who would win?
Rome circa 50 vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
You and I vs. Steve Henderson, who would win?
Seriously, will you help me kick Steve Henderson’s ass? He’s a major dick and he totally deserves it. I hate Steve Henderson!
4 November 2009
PS- Newt Gingrich stared at my girlfriends boobs today. Please advise."

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“A 19-year-old Boulder, Colorado man was forced into the passenger seat of his car by five kidnappers, but typed out a text message that he’d been kidnapped and was quickly rescued by police.” (Five kidnappers? What kind of car was he driving?)
-“The police force of Budaors, Hungary collectively won $16 million in the lottery. The 15-person squad resigned on the spot.” (Quick! To Budaors, Hungary! There’s no law there! It’ll be like Thunderdome!)
-“The Maldives government held an underwater cabinet meeting to draw attention to the dangers of global warming. The small island nation, which is less than 3 feet above sea level, staged the half-hour meeting at a depth of 20 feet, with Cabinet ministers and the president in full scuba gear.”
-“A Stanford study found that coin flips favor whichever side of the coin was facing up when the flip was initiated, landing on that side as much as 60 percent of the time.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Slow ass drivers. I’ve been caught behind some low-functioning retards at the wheel of cars in the last 48 hours. Driving 13 in a 35 is bullshit.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’re moving in together in December. Sign the lease on the place today. Really, really looking forward to it. And I wasn’t lying to O’Reilly. Newt Gingrich totally showed up at the Natural History Museum at KU while she was working today and checked out her boobs. So, I can check that off my bucket list.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-The only question I got this week was about the whole email snafu from last week, which I have already covered in the intro. So there.

Nelson recommends:
-I saw an empty box of Franzia by the side of the road today. And I’d like to think somebody had just been wandering around, drinking wine straight from the box, and when it was empty they just dropped it on the spot. So this week I’m going to recommend wandering the Earth on a Franzia bender. Somebody get on that.

Studying for this GRE Subject Test is kind of a pain. I probably should have been working on it earlier, but it’s all multiple choice and reviewing the major shit that’s going to be on the test it’s mostly authors and works which I’ve read or am at least familiar with, so I’m not sweating it too hard. And I’ll still be working on Creative Writing during my PhD, so I’m guessing the Lit test isn’t too big a deal as long as I don’t totally blow it. Tonight I’m going to try a practice test without having done any serious studying just to see where I’m at. Should be interesting.

Anyway, I’m going to get back to that, so . . .

See you next week.

–> N.

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