Thursday, November 19, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 46

Howdy. This week we’ve got my 25th email to O’Reilly (huzzah!), me finishing a book!, not enough quotes, a warning to rail travelers in India and crunchiness!

Birthday shout-out to nobody still? Anybody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon
-Started reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb

The Chabon really is good. And it gave me an idea for a short story I’m now working on. So, double bonus. Perhaps, if you’re really good, I’ll let you read said story when it’s finished. But, in the meantime, you should read the Chabon now.

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“It took a woman to bring this man and elephant together.”
--“You think not eating cat food is putting on airs?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
(I sent him the lyrics to Lady Gaga’s Paparrazi this week, which for some reason wouldn’t paste into here. Feel free to look them up if you’re unfamiliar. They’re creepy)
19 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“India’s Northern Railway hired 36 boxers and wrestlers to collect tickets, and to make sure that ticketless passengers pay the fare andd a fine to remain onboard. ‘There is absolutely no intimidation involved,’ said a company spokesman.”(It would appear theat the writer of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade was something of a prophet)

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-12th Street being closed on campus. I don’t know why you need it closed to complete your Babelonian hotel, people, but get your heads in the game.
-The Broncos losing to the Redskins. I always hate it when my two teams play outside of the Superbowl, but I hate it more when one of them is way out of contention and the other is deep in the hunt and the team who the win will do nothing for is the team to win it. That is my definition of a pyrrhic victory.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! We’ll have been together four months on Saturday. Huzzah! Can’t wait till we’re living together in our own place.
-Zack Greinke winning the Cy Young, and by a resounding margin. That guy had a fantastic year, even with the rest of the team holding him back, and it’s nice to see the shitty, smaller market team player recognized. Go Royal(s)!

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-This week was not so odd. Although I did watch Jack Frost (the horror movie, not the Michael Keaton one) again for the first time in years. That movie’s pretty odd.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“So, here's the thing. I bought a box of Crunchberries, and on the front it says "Crunch-a-tize me, Cap'n!" I would like to know what I have to do to be Crunch-a-tized. Does someone have to nominate me? Do I have to perform an act of valor? Is it something that's only awarded posthumously? (If so, I don't think I'm interested). Or am I completely off base here? Maybe the Crunch-a-tization process is an organic one. Something that occurs in nature. Perhaps like a chemical reaction, or a genetic mutation that will prepare one to enter the next stage of human evolution. If this is the case, then what the fuck does Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch (Ret.)? Can you set me straight?
-The Crunch-a-tization process, on a physical level, is like the end of Superman 3 when that woman gets turned into a robot. But crunchier. However, on a mental level it’s more similar to that scene in Superman 3 where Superman battles with a corporeal manifestation of his own dark side. But crunchier. It’s a hard life, and shouldn’t be entered into lightly, but many who have undergone Crunch-a-tization and survived will tell you that it’s worth it. To be considered as a candidate for Crunch-a-tization, simply send a copy of your current resume, five letters of recommendation, and a 2,000 word essay detailing your desire and qualifications for Crunch-a-tization to the Royal Crunch Institute of Northern Corpusty, U.K. You can feel free to use me as one of those references. I already have a form Crunch-a-tization recommendation letter saved on my computer. It’ll take, literally, minutes to personalize it. And, not to brag, but, my name does carry a bit of weight with the Crunchies (as those members of the Institute are colloquially referred to). Of course, there is a second meaning to consider. To be Crunch-a-tized, sexually, involves the insertion of Crunchberries, milk optional, into the anus and the subsequent consumption of said anal berries by a consenting sexual partner. If this is the meaning you’re referring to, than I can’t really offer any advice as to whether you should pursue an activity of this nature. Such a thing would be between you, the Cap’n himself, your goodly wife, and your God. But crunchier. Good luck!

Nelson recommends:
-I saw 2012 last week. Everything exploded! Everything! And John Cusack, regardless of vehicle size, condition, or handling, or the presence of earthly fissure or lava, is an excellent driver! And Woody Harrelson loves pickles! I would recommend seeing it if you want to see everything explode and Woody Harrelson eat pickles. If you don’t, then a little part of me wonders why you read TWiN, but I still value your patronage.

I was listening to some news on the radio and there was a guy who predicts technological cultural trends (apparently fairly accurately) on, and he was predicting that online retailers and electronic readers were going to render bookstores obsolete in the next 10-20 years. He felt that smaller independent bookstores would be vanishing en masse within five years, and that the larger chains would begin to disappear in their non-electronic forms soon after that. The idea of that kind of bummed me out. Admittedly, I make most of my book purchases on Amazon and those that I don’t I make on other internet sites or the large chain stores. But I do like bookstores. I always have. It is a medium where physical browsing can be very useful and rewarding. Especially when I buy poetry, I like to flip throught the book and read a few poems before I commit. Which just isn’t the same on the internet. And I don’t know if I like the idea of moving toward a system where we read everything electronically. I just like books in every way. Books are the goods. I think the idea of the electronic readers is fine, and it interests me as a second option, or a way to keep one’s bookshelves a little less cluttered, or to take multiple books on the go. But I want it both ways. I don’t know if I’m actually making much of a point here. It was just something on my mind.

Anyway, that’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.

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