This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 45

Welcome back. I missed you. This week we’ve got actual reading being accomplished, an unprovoked attack on Plato’s Closet, Chiropteraic fellatio, further colonic counsel, alien invaders and quite possibly the most important question I’ve ever asked O’Reilly.

Birthday shout-out to nobody?

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Still reading Manhood for Amateurs by, Michael Chabon

I’ve actually almost finished reading the Chabon book. It’s good stuff. Essays and all that. I just like the cut of that guy’s gib. I feel like he’s one of the people who’s taught me the most as a writer. It’s also nice to really read a book again. After two and a half years of pretty prolific reading I guess I needed a break those last few months, but it’s still good to be back on the old book horse, trotting slowly back into Booktown to meet with the Mayor, Bartholomew P. Bookington about books and book related matters over steaming hot cups of books and a delightful assortment of dipping books. And for dessert? Book pie!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“Passes the ‘they can hardly fit in my mouth’ test.”
--“Maximilian, we must break into the torture chamber immediately!”
--“It don’t have to be pretty, as long as there ain’t flames comin’ out it!”
--“Hey, I’m Chad, and I work, and shop, at Plato’s Closet. Plato’s Closet, is all about great style, and great values, for teens and twenties. The cool thing about us, is, that we pay cash, on the spot, for your gently used, brand-name clothing. People are watching their money, trying to live a green lifestyle, so what we do is important. You can’t forget, that we have cool clothes. We were green, before green was cool. Plato’s closet. It’s a fun, cool place to shop. And even work.”
(Apparently Plato’s Closet is cool. And their employees address the nation as if recently recovered from a stroke. And they’re cool!)

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
How come you didn’t have a moustache in the 80's?
Sincerely,
Roboman
11 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“43-year-old Susan Finkelstein, a die-hard Philadelphia Phillies fan, was charged with offering an undercover officer sex in exchange for World Series tickets. Her lawyer called her ‘a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever.’” (How did that scenario present itself? Was the cop running some ticket scalping for sex sting? Is that a thing? Is that entrapment? Gaus?)
-Want more news? Check out the odd section. Half of it is actual news.

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-Illness! It has plagued the woman I love for weeks now in various forms and I’m close to killing it with a knife.
-Congress. Both parts. Both parties. Full on.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! That’s right, I said it. Even battling against the trials of Job she’s still amazing.
-Jon Stewart, South Park and God all taking masterful shots at Glenn Beck this week.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sd5cjOlv_Uw
-http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2009/nov/10/oral-sex-bats-improbable-research
-http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8352107.stm
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-5AMapzFWg

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
--“Way back in issue 42/43 you counseled me concerning Colon Ninjas and the necessity of caring for my colon. Well, taking that to heart I’ve dived in with a gusto you would be proud of! But I’m now worried I may have taken it too far, and have another colonic conundrum for you.
I just received an e-mail from SurgeryPrepNotice@onsetopen.com who has told me that “Bowel Cleaning Products Linked To Serious Kidney Problems”. Obviously this information cannot be taken lightly. I mean, it’s a Surgery Prep Notice! Have I killed myself? Can I trust that safe methods have been used? Back there? I mean, I can’t really watch. It’s a really awkward position, in more than one way if you know what I mean. So the real question is: Can I sue? Is there some sort of ninjlomatic immunity that would prevent me getting the “Compensation that is Entitled to Me”?
--In a tizzy about my tushy”
-Yes, yes. I remember you. And I am proud! To answer your questions: Probably not. Probably not. Yes. Yes. Probably, but you should consult my lawyer about that. Not currently, although insurance law is an ever-changing, ever-expanding gauntlet of rotating swords. And, as we’ve already learned in TWiN, the human rectum is almost nightmarishly elastic. So, I’d suggest taking a lap and not doing any heavy lifting with your anal cavity for the next few days and see how well it snaps back, so to speak.

Nelson recommends:
-Bob Dylan. Like me some Bob Dylan. They were playing nonstop Dylan at the Pig a couple mornings ago. Made me smiley.

The GRE Literature Subject Test went well. I think it went well anyway. I won’t know for sure for a while. It was a lot of interpretation and recognition, so I think it went all right. It was just a big pain in the ass. I’m glad to be done with it.

I’ve been watching the new V series. I was a big fan of the old miniseries. The old series that came after it, not as much, but still, big fan. I even wrote a paper about it once. The new one seems solid, but I’m not sure about it, yet. Mostly because I’m not sure V works as a 9/11 allegory as well as it worked as a Nazi/World War 2 allegory. Especially because V means Visitor now instead of Victory, which kind of rubs me the wrong way. There were some other things that kind of bugged me, but some other stuff I dug. For now I’m interested, but not sold. And it’s kind of gay that they’re showing four episodes and then going on hiatus until some time next year. Seems like an odd strategy, and one which flirts dangerously with failure. Plus, as of yet, there’s no Mark Singer, Robert Englund or Michael Ironsides, so they’re going to have to do something about that.

That’s all for now. See you next week.

–> N.