Sunday, November 29, 2009

This Week in Nelson, volume 3, number 47 & 48

Sorry for the whole running late, double week thing. But, you do get the second week earlier than usual, so deal with it. I got a little busy with the holidays, and having the internet die at my house a week ago didn’t help. So, belatedly happy Thanksgiving! This week we’ve got a bunch of food in me, a bunch of quotes, some crazy dance videos, a high recommendation (not that kind of high. particularly, anyway), double O’Reilly letters, and the announcement that Saira and I got engaged. That’s right. Boom! Engaged! Very happy! I love her like mad, so let’s knock this thing out so I can go hang out with her and be all engaged and stuff.

Birthday shout-out to Emily, Neuty, Devin, Kevin, and Keri and Polli’s grandma, belatedly! Birth shout-out to Teddy Gaus! Huzzah! Impending birthday shout-out to Roady, Pat and Gilmore! Big dog birthday ups to you all! Huzzah!

Books read this week:
-Still reading Fates Worse Than Death by, Kurt Vonnegut
-Finished reading I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb
-Started reading Chronic City by, Jonathan Lethem
-I also started reading some collections of Jamie Delano’s work on Hellblazer

I highly recommend I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President! It’s about a 12-year-old evil genius secretly running a multi-billion dollar criminal empire who wants to be 8th grade class president to spite his father, and it’s written by one of the writers for the Daily Show. And it’s one hell of a lot of fun. Possibly even two hells of a lot of fun. I don’t know. The math is beyond me. Seriously, though, highest possible recommendation!

Random out-of-context quotes of the week:
--“A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face . . . My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching.”
--“Let me see your nostrils, bird!”
--“We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out.”
--“Don’t feel bad. If I’d been at that pool party I’d have done the same thing.”
--“My dick again? That’s weird!
--“We’re not gonna have fun tomorrow.
We’ll have fun!
No we won’t! Not unless we dose Grandpa!”
--“I don’t think I could hide a hotdog.”
--“I would never bone three birds and stuff ‘em together.”
--“Three kinds of meat in your mouth at once, that’s pretty fast.”
--“He punches me until I prostitute.”
--“What else does jizz go with?”

My Emails to Bill O’Reilly this week:
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
What means America to me:
1) Macaroni and Cheese
2) Blueberry pie (apple is overrated, and she’s had it too good for too long)
3) Firing a handgun
4) Rice Krispies Treats
5) Firing a handgun in public
6) Chocolate and peanut butter
7) Having consensual sex
8) Firing a handgun in public at a human target
9) PBR
10) Bill O’Reilly
Roll on, brother. Roll on.
25 November 2009"
-“Dear Mr. O’Reilly,
I’m totally getting married! And I want you to attend! And be a groomsman!
Please say yes! Please say yes! Please say yes!
Married! Married! Married! Married! MARRIED!
Please be my groomsman. More details to follow.
29 November 2009"

Interesting news articles of the week:
-“Florida’s Brevard County voted to exclude horses from its pooper-scooper law. ‘To stop a 1,000-pound animal, get off, hold it while you try and put the poop in a bag is just not a good idea,’ horse owner Wanetta Dyer told commissioners.” (Still, what about all the horse poop?)
-“The St. Louis Zoo responded to the death of several polar bears by installing a family of electronic polar bears in its empty polar bear display.” (I don’t know how I feel about this. I feel that robot bears should be in sketch comedy or playing country tunes, but that’s it)
-“The Miller Park Zoo in Bloomington, Ill., began selling necklace pendants and Christmas ornaments made from dried reindeer dung. ‘It may be silly,’ said zoo spokeswoman Susie Ohley, ‘but it not only brings in money and support for the zoo, it brings people smiles.’”
-“A hotel in Nantes, France, opened a ‘Hamster Villa’ suite, where for $148 a night, guests can feast on hamster grain, get a workout by running on a giant wheel, and sleep in haystacks. ‘Often, the adults who come here have wanted or did have hamsters when they were small,’ said owner Yann Falquerho.”

Something(s) I’m tired of/ mad at:
-KU football. That was one of the worst managed last three minutes of a game I’ve ever seen against Missouri. I was on the fence about what to do with Mangino at the end of the season, but now I’m really leaning toward dropping him. That was fucking ridiculous.
-College football in general. Once again we near the end of a season without being ranked in the top 2, so the whole thing is about to become rather pointless.

Something(s) I’m delighted by:
-Saira! My wife to be! Huzzah!
-Saira’s pie! She baked a bunch of pie this last week for the holidays. So delicious!
-Thanksgiving and Friends Thanksgivings. I’m full of foods.
-KU Basketball! Goddamn we look good.
-The Broncos monkeystomping the Giants.

Something(s) I found really kind of odd:
-Steve Wilkos’s face when a dude said he wanted to punch him. Scary! Do not suggest to Steve Wilkos that you want to punch him!

Dan was working overtime on the video suggestions this week. Big dog ups to Dan, and his apparent obsession with Alfonso Ribeiro/Carlton Banks! And make sure you check out that Hovind theory creationist science insanity. Saira found that and it is hilarious.

This Week in Answers to Your This Week in Questions This Week!
-Nothing this week. Sorry.

Nelson recommends:
-I am a Genius of Unspeakable Evil and I want to be your Class President by, Josh Lieb. As stated in the book section. I want you to read it badly enough to recommend it twice in one TWiN! Read it!
-The Investigation Discovery channel. It’s all crazy true crime shit, with re-enactments and all that. Deadly Women is especially good. And fucked up. Check it out if you’ve got that kind of cable.
-Scribblenauts. If you have a DS, check this game out. It’s fun as hell.
-Noodles and Company! They have noodles there and you eat them! I love it!

Well, I think I’ve accomplished enough for these two weeks, what with the Thanksgiving and the getting engaged and all, so I’m wrapping this up.

See you next week.

–> N.

No comments:

Post a Comment